a Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Stupidity

In 2002, some words weren't as offensive as they are today.

In 2002, some words weren't as offensive as they are today.

Keller’s Kards Rose from the Ashes of a String of Dead-End Relationships and Mindless Jobs.

The year was 2002. Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” was huge. This was long before designers were neatly arranging their overly wrought products and related ephemera into geometric perfection. No, Keller’s Kards had already been rotting in the dumpster for five years when Pinterest was flooded with those images.

For those of you pursuing your MBA, the first iteration of this business is a case study in mismanagement. In fact, the second chapter of its creator’s book, How to Fail in Three or Four or Whatever Easy Steps, tells us that to properly fail one should raise a small amount of money, like maybe enough to buy a water-damaged Yaris, and then blow half of that on a party announcing your new enterprise. Then blow the remainder on a road trip disguised as a sales trip.

What a Total Fucking Idiot.

Frankly, it’s no small miracle that Keller’s Kards actually produced anything other than a few hangovers. But it did. Somehow over sixty different greeting cards saw the light of day and the company functioned in some way, shape or form for a few years. Heck, Keller’s Kards even displayed its wares at the National Stationery Show. Twice.

This was all before Facebook. All before LinkedIn. Instagram. Etsy. McCain-Palin. None of that crap existed. The cards relied on word-of-mouth and the business acumen of the same idiot who decided to blow half the company’s capital on a party. No surprise, folks, the business went belly-up faster than a goldfish you win at the state fair.

But thanks to a massive initial run of the cards and a slight hoarding problem, here we are again. Pulled from the dark recesses of an abandoned storage unit, the mildly offensive greeting cards are back and, well, the same as ever.

But that’s good news. The same means they are still fabulously quirky, oddly humorous and inappropriately appropriate. And there’s no better time than the present time. Particularly considering nothing has filled the massively small void that Keller’s Kards left behind back in 2000-something. And particularly considering that we found all those cards in the dark recesses, so, you know, do the math or whatever.