Cold Coffee and Facials

The Way You Coach is Frightening

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 15:07:00 +0000

Tammy, Tammy, Tammy. The greatest thing you ever gave Clemson may just turn out to be that loss last night. After all, it might just cement your exit. I'd call it an early exit, but it's late. Not by your contract's language, but by reality as I see it. It's the same story. Every. Year. And playing in the ACC gives you few excuses. This isn't the SEC. It would have been a big win last night and you were facing the Demon Deacons - a traditional football powerhouse. A juggernaut on the gridiron. I'd understand if the Tigers lost to Wake in basketball or in a debate or in a science fair. But football? That's about the only thing the tiny town of Clemson has to offer. Sure, it's a good school with great baseball and soccer programs, but football is its identity. And since you've taken the reins, Tammy, it's been one identity crisis after the next. I'm not saying you're a bad coach, I'm only saying you're not good enough. You're not good enough for that multimillion dollar contract and you're not good enough to win the pathetic ACC. Too bad no one is left on your schedule to prove the naysayers wrong. There's not a top-ten team there for you to miraculously "upset," thereby salvaging the season and saving your job in the process. My friends, if you're truly a Tigers fan, you'll be rooting for a couple more losses. It's in your best interest, my friends.

Trig Didn't Fall Far From the Tree

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 18:20:00 +0000

From The NY Times:

I only wish she had been asked: "Governor Palin, if paying taxes is not considered patriotic in your neighborhood, who is going to pay for the body armor that will protect your son in Iraq? Who is going to pay for the bailout you endorsed? If it isn't from tax revenues, there are only two ways to pay for those big projects - printing more money or borrowing more money. Do you think borrowing money from China is more patriotic than raising it in taxes from Americans?" That is not putting America first. That is selling America first.

Read it here.

My Friends

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 02:28:00 +0000

My friends, Sen. McCain did not look as though he'd make it through the debate. The heavy breathing, the stammering, the Men's Wearhouse suit. It all rendered him rather elderly - and in stark contrast to the svelte Obama. Or O'Bama, as Bill Maher would like us to start referring to him as. He's Irish, after all. Not black at all. So there, you racists. You can now vote for him without conflict.

Also Ran

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 14:07:00 +0000

Palin said a lot of words last night. Mostly "also." I lost count at 96. Afterward, many pundits were saying she was readying herself for a 2012 bid for the Oval Office. Really? Look, I'm all for straight talk, but why is it that we feel the need for Joe Six Pack to run our country? And didn't we just have eight years of that? I guess eight more could be cool. We'd have Rose Garden speeches about football, shotguns and chili dogs. That'd be awesome. And it's just what we need, also. I'm sure the writers of every late-night talk show are, in some way, hoping Palin sticks around. Talk about writing in your sleep.

The only thing more frightening - or disheartening - than Palin as our Vice President is Palin as our President. If she were a man, we'd all be so much harder on her. On her fumbling for words, lack of knowledge, her folksy way of speaking, her contradictory statements. Imagine it. If she were an older man, everyone would have a field day with it. But as it is now, Fox News is chalking up a victory for her simply because she tells it like it is while sounding like an outsider. Whatever that means. I think it means you play with the hand you are dealt. And they're doing just that, even though they've got a pair of twos. Ugh. Here's to Palin-Sixer '12!

An excerpt:

Palin: Patriotic is saying, government, you know, you're not always the solution. In fact, too often you're the problem so, government, lessen the tax burden and on our families and get out of the way and let the private sector and our families grow and thrive and prosper.

Palin (minutes later): There is not. And how long have I been at this, like five weeks? So there hasn't been a whole lot that I've promised, except to do what is right for the American people, put government back on the side of the American people, stop the greed and corruption on Wall Street.

And the rescue plan has got to include that massive oversight that Americans are expecting and deserving.

Nike Still Going Strong

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 00:54:00 +0000

Er, Wieden+Kennedy.

Politics as Usual

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 18:28:00 +0000

I believe I pulled this from The Washington Post. It doesn't really matter, though. All that matters is you're not going to get anything remotely truthful out of the candidates these days. And I don't want to sound biased, but the McCain-Palin camp is especially guilty of spewing half-truths.

UnMcBelievable

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 04:10:00 +0000

From a Times Op-Ed piece:

Look at Carly Fiorina, John McCain's top economic surrogate - if you can find her this week, after the news and her narrative fused in a negative way. Dismissed as head of Hewlett-Packard after the company's stock plunged and nearly 20,000 workers were let go, she was rewarded with $44 million in compensation. Sweet!

Thank God McCain wants to appoint a commission to study the practice that enriched his chief economic adviser. On the campaign trail this week, McCain and Palin pledged to "stop multimillion dollar payouts to C.E.O.'s" of failed companies. Good. Go talk to Fiorina at your next strategy session.

Click here for the whole thing.

Fanstasmic Fridayish

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 01:19:00 +0000

Yeah, we've all been to CBS Sportsline to read what Mr. Roto or whoever is spewing on and on about. This week it's all about how sweet Julius Jones is and how not sweet the Bengals are. Great. I'll pick Julius Jones up tomorrow. And I'll drop T.J. Houshmanchampionship.

Everyone is lubing up for Matt Cassel already. I say wait it out another week. Sure, he might toss a couple of TDs. In fact, I bet he will, but Bill Parcels won't lose by 21 points. There are more than 8 QBs who are a safer play than Matt Cassel.

Last week, I was right about a fair amount of my predictions. And wrong about a fair amount, too. Ricky Williams? Great game last week. My biggest mistake, though, was banking on Vernon Davis and Jeremey Shockey. What had happened was. Right. Anyway, you can't win them all. And that's why they play the game. It is what it is. Am I right or am I right? So without further Apu, my predictions for the forthcoming week. Again, I am not going to state too many obvious starts. Just a few:

Start 'Em

Quarterbacks . . .

Tony Romo - 311yds, 3TDs, INT - Owens and Witten make him a safe play every week.

Aaron Rodgers - 287yds, 2TDs, INT - McNabb was okay against them. He should be better. By the way, you know Brett has him in his fantasy league and just benches him every week out of spite.

J.T. O'Sullivan - 292yds, 2TD, INT - Is he a quarterback? Check. Playing Detroit at home? Check.

Jon Kitna - 275yds, 3TDS, 2INT - At San Francisco? Playing from behind - again? Sign me up.

Jason Campbell - 262yds, 2TDs, INT - Don't be scared off just yet. This might be his game even though everyone is taking Arizona to The Olive Garden and shit.

Phillip Rivers - 273yds, 3TDs, INT - LaDanian is hurting. Rivers is feeling good.

Matt Hasselbeck - 286yds, 2TD, INT - You can do it, Matt! It's The Lambs.

Tavaris Jackson - 3snickers, 2cokes, 1stripclub, 3INT - Somehow, he'll still manage to throw a few picks.

Other thoughts:

Eli Manning is a better play than Drew Brees. Delhomme might have a better game than McNabb. Trent Edwards isn't a terrible play. I bet he has better stats than Favre.

Running Backs . . .

Marion Barber - 114yds Rushing, 41yds Receiving, 2TDs - Wish I had drafted him.

Frank Gore - 121yds Rushing, 53yds Receiving, TD - He should implode. I mean explode.

Chris Johnson - 108yds, TD - I'm starting him every week until he's injured. Or sucks for three weeks in a row.

Michael Turner - 123yds, TD - He did have a down week last week, which I predicted sorta, but he's got the Chefs this week.

Willis McGahee - 102yds, TD - The Browns? And his QB blows? Hand that man the ball.

Selvin Young - 74yds, TD - Risky play, but worth it against the Saints.

Michael Bush - 84yds, TD - If McFadden is out, add 20 yards to that total.

Joseph Addai - 68yds Rushing, 47yds Receiving, 2TDs - Everyone is saying it won't happen, which is why it will.

Reggie Bush - 68yds Rushing, 76yds Receiving, TD - Like I said, all year long. Until he's hurt. Brees loves that screen pass. And he apparently doesn't love Shockey as much as I had predicted last week. Plus, Denver has solid DBs.

Other thoughts:
Johnathon Stewart will score another TD - even against The Vikings. Jones-Drew will not blow up like everyone thinks he will this week. Still, I'd start him if he ain't injured; he'll score. Every time I think Westbrook will be stopped by a great D, he scores like 9 TDs. I'll give him 2 short runs at home. Kevin Smith is worth a start this week if you've got a flex position open.

Wide Receivers . . .

Calvin Johnson - 102yds, TD - The dude is a beast. He looks like a character I created on Madden and then didn't tell anyone else I created. And then they'd get all pissed when they saw this behemoth line up across from them. But I'd convince them it was just a glitch. And then they'd get really pissed when the graphics would come up after the behemoth scored: "Touchdown Black Anus!"

Wes Welker - 87yds, TD - Matt Cassel should buy (or give) this guy a blowjob or something before the season is over.

Eddie Royal - 93yds, TD - And that's with about 8 receptions.

David Patten - 74yds, TD - Who else besides Bush?

Issac Bruce - 88yds, TD - I thought he was dead. But like my dad said when I told him I was too old for him to be giving me suppositories, "That's what you get for thinking."

Vincent Jackson - 79yds, TD - He should get about 6 catches - he's targeted about as much as Chambers, as far as I can tell.

Greg Jennings - 112yds, TD - Great mid-round pickup thanks to Rodgers.

Hank Baskett - 347yds, 7TDs - WWJD?

Other thoughts:
I still think Marvin has it. I still think Matt Jones uses cocaine. What else can explain his concentration level in catching all them pigskins? I still think Holmes will outplay Ward this year - and I'll keep saying that until week 16, at which point, if my prediction has not been proven correct, I'll just say, "I meant the other way around." Also, I bet Gus airs it out a few times to Berrian to silence the critics. That's not saying he'll catch them, though.

Tight Ends . . .

Jason Witten - 89yds, TD - Balls.

John Carlson - 78yds, TD - Bandwagon? On it.

Todd Heap - 67yds, TD - If not Willis, then Todd. Still, risky considering the QB.

Dallas Clark - 81yds, TD - If he plays, he plays well.

Owen Daniels - 52yds, TD - Whoever the hell is throwing the ball for Houston won't have much time to get rid of it. Enter: TE.

DST . . .

Patriots - My number one DST for the week. Even minus the ST. Wait, I mean number thirty-one. What the fuuug is up with that game?
Panthers - Don't sleep on these guys. New QB. Gimpy RB. Not a bad play. No one else seems to think so.
Titans - Houston? They have a problem.
Bills - Oakland Blackouts.
Colts - Don't be afraid to start them this week. The Jaguars O-Line is MIA.
Ravens - I'm a bit scared here for some reason, even though I don't have much faith in Derek and his entire offense. Still, I say play them.

Kickers . . .

Fist kickers.

Shart 'Em:

Again, these are guys I'd sit, who I might not normally sit, if I have better options. Don't feel bad about sitting them, in other words. Their names ain't gonna get you points.

Derek Anderson - Not a terrible start, but a pretty good shart.

Brett Favre - Gunslinging will cost him a TD or two.

Marc Bulger - Whoooaaa!

Donovan McNabb - Steelers will clamp down on his Chunky-Soup ass.

Steven Jackson - Almost as bad a first-round pick as Tom Brady.

Thomas Jones - I thought about keeping him off this list, but The Chargers are pissed.

Jamal Lewis - If he gets a TD, he gets that TD from the 1.

Lawrence Maroney - I'd sure hate to have Steven Jackson and Lawrence Maroney as my backfield.

Matt Forte - The Bucs gotagoot defense. See: last week.

Torry Holt - Yeah, he had a great catch. A. A. A Great catch.

Steve Smith - He'll score - maybe. But this is not his breakout game. I just don;t see it. I'd give him one week to get up to speed.

Braylon Edwards - See: Steve Smith. The dude is just now getting his shit together. He'll be fine after this week. Still, you have to start him unless you've got Eddie Royal or Roy Williams stashed away.

DeSean Jackson - I bet The Steelers hit him hard. Real hard.

Cowboys DST - Did you watch Monday night?

Other Thoughts:
Clinton Portis is not a top-ten RB this week. The NE-MIA game might be low-scoring. It sucks for Slaton that his first start is against The Titans. Christ, they made a movie about those guys! They must be good.

Dead Men Walking

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 16:59:00 +0000

I haven't watched the video on CNN - I just don't think I can stand it - but I've read the accompanying story, the one about the pig abuse. I have a hard time reconciling my love for sausage with a story like that. I mean, sausage tastes sooo good. I just don't know if I could give it up entirely. Still, I think there are more humane ways to harvest a little bacon, though many would argue that's oxymoronic. What needs to happen to those men is jail. Like years in prison. They'll get out on parole after 18 months, but the precedent will be set. And the plant? Shut it down. Plain and simple. And Hormel? Some sort of hefty fine. The negative publicity alone won't cost them enough dollars to teach them a lesson in vigilance, humanity and accountability. I urge you to, at the very least, buy your hog from someone other than Hormel. And I also urge you to do your homework. Free range chickens? There is no USDA definition of that. Don't be fooled. They still probably don't have beaks. I'm not saying you should give up meat and dairy products; that's a message that people tune out before you get to the part where you tell them soy milk tastes great and is blah, blah, blah. Exactly. So what you should do, in the real world, is find out from whence your ham hock comes. Buy your eggs from some local hippie you know. And don't fucking beat animals. People who beat animals have small penises and jerk off to Toys-R-Us ads. You know, we had a pig when I was younger. Not one of those fake Vietnamese pigs, a real, big pig. They are smart. They are playful - at least before they get immobile from obesity. And they generally kick ass. And, yes, they go well with eggs. They do not, however, go well with abuse.

Fish Out of Water

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 13:17:00 +0000

Michael Phelps sank in his hosting duties over at SNL. Then again, no one would have done well with that material. The only thing I took away from the show was that Lorne Michaels misses Tina Fey. Badly. And comedy writers are clearly opting for The Cartoon Network over a chance to write for SNL. Totally snoring.

Southern Calculated

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 15:39:00 +0000

Sweater Vest is doing his best Tommy Bowden. Let's not play our best player so that when we lose we can argue we would have won if we had our best player in there. And, because of that, we can argue we're still in the BCS hunt. Genius. Or vajjy. Whatever.

Shart 'Em

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 14:11:00 +0000

What I hate most about fantasy sites is not how they go out on limbs and tell you to start, oh, say, Tom Brady against the Lions. Or maybe Joseph Addai against the Saints. Yeah, we can figure that out on our own. Although, starting Brady this year is unfortunately a bad decision. I still can't believe he's out for the year. Yep, even though starting Westbrook at the Jets ain't a bad play, we can't forget there are no guarantees in fantasy. And that's why they play the game. Oh my God! I think I just coined a new phrase. Whatever. So, anyway, I'm gwine try to forecast some fantasy predictions every Friday-ish here at Keller's Kards. Why? Because that's what Jesus would do. Oh my God! I think I just coined a new phrase.

As for my teams, as someone who bought into the Jason Campbell hype (for two of my teams), I am concerned. This is starting to look a lot like the Alex Smith show of last year. Granted, it's only one game and I never freak out after the first week, but I will give the dude two more games before I really consider cutting him. And you don't need me to tell you the Raiders suck more ass than Charlie Weis. Wait. (That somehow would have made more sense if the expression had something to do with hotdogs. Or riding coattails.) Can you believe the Raiders went to the Super Bowl six years ago? And can you believe Vince Young was on the cover of Madden two years ago? And that's why they play the game.

But before I get into fantasy, I'd like to vent a bit about the RNC, the DNC and politics in general. Nothing is more frustrating than watching a smiling candidate promise you he (or she this year) is going to shake things up and set in motion all kinds of change in our stubborn nation's capital. We hear it every four years. And more if we tune into state races. And every year, if there is change at all, it seems it's for the worse. Hmm. Maybe the past eight years have clouded my memory. But more often than not there is no change. Just a bunch of talking. Christ, McCain has been in DC for a couple of decades and yet he's still promising some sort of change. Change we need because we're all so sick and tired of do-nothing politicians. What the fuck? Are you serious? You're criticizing yourself. Wait. No you're not. You're a war veteran. And a former POW. I forgot what you were saying. USA! USA! USA! I think a good idea would be to elect every former POW to a governmental position. That's all it takes, right? Now if you can find me a black POW - or better yet a black female POW - then we're in business. My favorite part of the RNC was when the cameras panned out to the crowd and some slap-happy old white man was swaying to Heart and waving a "mavrick" sign. That's right. No "E." Either the sign was a show of the guy's maverick ways or was the best spelling in politics since potatoe. I could say the same things about the DNC. A bunch of words. A bunch of clapping to 70s classics. Come to think of it, why is it that every four years they play the same old classic rock and R&B? Remember Fleetwood Mac? I thought this year was all about change. After watching the Palin interview with Charles Gibson, I know without a doubt it's about nothing more than the lowest common denominator - once again. That lady didn't answer one of Gibson's questions. I think the media has actually been too kind to her since the interview. She was terrible. Just pathetic. "You know, Charlie, what we need to do, Charlie, is look out our window and see the changing world and know, Charlie, how much we need change, Charlie. Not the same old politics as usual, Charlie. No more earmarks, Charlie. By the way, Charlie, that's Russia right over there! I know it like the back of my hand. And, oh yeah, I think Obama is definitely regretting not choosing Clinton as his VP - especially now. I mean, I've got a vagina. Biden? No vagina. No vagina, Charlie."

Because the race is unbelievably close, the pundits were predicting the election would come down the debates. Here's a prediction: If you tune into Fox after the debates, the GOP will have won the debates handily. If you tune into CNN afterwards, they'll tell you the Dems took care of business. It's a shame. Unless you're making over 600k a year, your financial life will likely be better off with those tax-crazed Democrats. I know. It doesn't make sense, does it? And if you haven't figured out that those evil terrorists don't care who's in office, well then, Charlie, keep your eyes on that spit of land over there; it's the Ruskies and they're up to no good.

Okay, so my surefire picks:

People are slurping McNabb after his week one assault. Well, I say if you've got someone with a better matchup, sit McNabb. I'm going to. I'm sitting him in favor of Rivers. Sure, it could come back to haunt me, but McNabb has little to throw to and the Cowboys have a pretty solid D. Not to mention, Rivers has Gates. With Bailey and Bly roaming the secondary, Gates should have a big game. I don't trust LJ Smith as much. And I imagine the Cowboys will focus in on Westbrook. Plus, the Eagles had their success against the Lambs. That doesn't tell us anything. I'm sitting McNabb.

And a word about your first-round picks: unless you are very deep at one position, start them every week unless they're injured. Could I have qualified that anymore, Charlie?

Start 'Em

Quarterbacks . . .

Drew Brees - 3TDs, INT, 315yds - I don't care that Colston is out. The dude will throw for 300 yards. He'll have to.

Aaron Rodgers - 3TDs, INT, 294yds - Throwing against Detroit? I'd start Kyle Orton here.

Jon Kitna - 2TDs, 2INTs, 242yds - Yeah, Green Bay has a good defense. But the Lions have no defense, which means they'll be playing from behind, and they have freaks for WRs.

Eli Manning - 3TDs, INT, 286yds - The Lambs.

Jake Delhomme - 2TDs, INT, 243yds - Not a bad play this week, even against the Bears.

Running Backs . . .

Earnest Graham - 121yds, TD - They ain't got much else, and they're facing the Falcons.

Reggie Bush - 81yds Rushing, 89yds Receiving, TD - Unless he gets hurt, he'll have a big year. I tried to get him in the 3rd round in all my drafts. I don't have him on ant of my teams.

Willie Parker - 111yds, 2TDs - Browns stink. Willie don't.

Chris Johnson - 117yds, TD - LenDale is fat. The Bengals suck. The Titans like to run.

Michael Turner - 94yds, TD - Won't be balls-deep like last week, and I imagine the Bucs will try to make Matt "$70 Mil" Ryan beat them, but he should score.

Ryan Grant - 126yds, 2TDs - Oh, Detroit. When will you ever learn? Yep, I've got Green Bay putting up 35 points.

Justin Fargas - 91yds, TD - He may split carries with McFadden, but he's about the only thing worth a start for Oakland - depending on the matchup. This week it's the Cards.

Ricky Williams - 83yds, TD - You could start worse. See below.

Wide Receivers . . .

Plaxico Burress - 147yds, 2TDs - He should have a monster game.

Marvin Harrison - 83yds, TD - He's a great #2 WR until further notice.

Roddy White - 112yds, TD - They'll have to throw (see above) and he should benefit.

Patrick Crayton - 79yds, TD - The Eagles will try to stop TO, which should leave Crayton open a few times.

Santonio Holmes - 108yds, TD - The Browns can't stop anybody, and I think Ward's big week last week was an anomaly. That's not to say he won't have a good year, only that Holmes should outplay him this year.

Hank Baskett - 437yds, 8TDs - He puts the football in the basket. I could be way wrong here, though.

Tight Ends . . .

Jason Witten - 97yds, TD - Best TE start of the week, thanks to Romo and the Eagles DBs.

Antonio Gates - 93yds, TD - Broncos DBs will open it up for Gates.

Chris Cooley - 71yds, TD - Yeah, terrible start last week, but if he can't do it against the Saints, it's going to be a long year.

Dante Rosario - 74yds, TD - If healthy, he's a top-5 TE this week.

Jeremy Shockey - 83yds, TD - Colston's situation helps him immensely.

Vernon Davis - 72yds, TD - J.T. like him, and he's athletic.

DST . . .

Top 5 for the week:
Panthers - Moving Peppers was a good idea.
Colts - Jackson cannot throw. Plus, they lost last week.
Bears - They'll get a couple of turnovers.
Patriots - They should have some incentive to prove everyone wrong about their season.
Steelers - Cleveland looks horrible.

Kickers . . .

Fuck kickers.

Shart 'Em

In no particular order, these are guys I would sit, who I normally wouldn't sit, if I had better options. In other words, these folks are overvalued. That doesn't mean, though, that you start Ted Ginn, Jr. over Chad Whatever:

Joseph Addai - I know, I said never sit your first-rounders. But you might have RB depth. I don't know. I'm not in your goddamn league.

Braylon Edwards - Doesn't seem like himself. Plus, the Steelers have a good D. Still, unless you have two other great WR options, I'd consider leaving him in.

Steven Jackson - Long year? Probably.

Derek Anderson - I hope I'm wrong here, but the Steelers look good and the Browns look like Poo.

Maurice Jones-Drew - His offensive line is basically The Replacements without the holdout.

Laurence Maroney - No telling who will get the carries for Hoodie.

Chad Johnson - Ocho Stinko until further notice. Yeah, he still might get a TD, though.

Torry Holt - He's what everyone was saying Marvin Harrison would be this year.

Dallas Clark - He might not even play. There are at least eight better TEs this week.

Jags DST - I think they'll be on the field too much this week. They're not bad. Just too little offense means too few breathers.

Another Successful Draft

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 02:14:00 +0000

In keeping with our Dolemite theme this year, to determine draft order we shot at each other with paintguns. One guy would stand on the deck with a loaded gun and a cold beer. The other guy would run from one end of the backyard to the other. Fewest shots to record a hit had the first overall pick. I got hit by subscriber to Field & Stream. Still, my draft was solid.

Living the Fantasy

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 04:04:00 +0000

Four drafts down. One to go. That's right. For some strange reason, I've had the third overall pick in all my drafts. Here's hoping Addai, Westbrook and Peterson all have good years - that means injury-free. I'm staying away from the Bengals for many reasons. Here's one:

Chad Johnson has partially torn labia!

Ignorance is Bush

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 22:49:00 +0000

Over at the NY Times, Thomas Friedman has been beating his energy drum about as hard as Kristof was beating his Darfur drum two years ago; his Op-Ed pieces have been must-reads. Most recently, his piece on Denmark was particularly both inspiring and distressing. Here is an excerpt:

Unlike America, Denmark, which was so badly hammered by the 1973 Arab oil embargo that it banned all Sunday driving for a while, responded to that crisis in such a sustained, focused and systematic way that today it is energy independent. (And it didn't happen by Danish politicians making their people stupid by telling them the solution was simply more offshore drilling.)

And even more maddening:

Because it was smart taxes and incentives that spurred Danish energy companies to innovate, Ditlev Engel, the president of Vestas - Denmark's and the world's biggest wind turbine company - told me that he simply can't understand how the U.S. Congress could have just failed to extend the production tax credits for wind development in America.

Why should you care?

"We've had 35 new competitors coming out of China in the last 18 months," said Engel, "and not one out of the U.S."

Anyway, you should read the one-page piece. And maybe start being scared of more than just terrorists.

Phelps With a PH!

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 22:28:00 +0000

God, I am sick of that jackass. He's swimming for eight medals, in case you're deaf, blind, retarded and live in a cave under a rock on a moon in another galaxy. And, after last night, he might just get them. Still, I'm predicting his vanity will lead him to wear his seven medals for his final event. Yep, he will wrap all that gold around his neck in an effort to intimidate his opponents and, of course, get a few more cameras pointed his way. Unfortunately, after diving into the pool, he will not resurface. He will struggle on the bottom, fighting the weight of the seven medals around his neck. He will be fished out with a skimmer by Mark Spitz. Wait! Mark ain't even there.

More Gay-Related News

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 02:24:00 +0000

You know what women who hang off the arms of closeted gay men are called? Beards. I'm sure you all know that already, but I thought a refresher would be in order seeing as how a couple of weeks ago the James Beard awards were handed out. I guess - ultimately - a beard masks things. And, yes, they are manly. The award itself recognizes the country's finest chefs and restaurants, according to Wikipedia. The only recipient of the apparently prestigious award in South Carolina runs a kitchen two blocks from my apartment: Hominy Grill. Back when Hominy opened, it was a hidden gem among one of the more rundown neighborhoods on the western side of the peninsula. As is it now, it is one restaurant among three at the corner of a thriving - yet still rough around the edges - intersection of college-kid-populated streets.

As for Hominy Grill, I don't know how it keeps winning. The food has definitely taken a backseat to the logistics of seating throngs of curious tourists and hungover college kids. You can plan on waiting at least 30 minutes for breakfast on the weekends, typically closer to an hour. So what about the food? It's average at best. The other morning I had a biscuit that fell apart like termite-infested wood. And that's not a good thing - especially considering it tasted, I imagine, marginally better than said wood. I ended up using a fork to eat the thing. And because of all the press and tourists, everyone in there assumes you're a tourist. One waitress a few months ago tried to explain to me what homefries were when I asked her how theirs were. "Oh, they're like what you call hashbrowns." Oh, really? Well, this is what you might call "The back of my hand across your face." No one at our table was happy with our meal. Too much bread on the sandwiches. Overly greasy fries. Bland grits. So I really just want to know if anyone from the James Beard Foundation has eaten at Hominy Grill lately. I have serious doubts. So as it is, the award will continue to mask what Hominy Grill really is: a tourist trap. Hyman's anyone?

In other neighborhood eatery news, across the street from Hominy is a new restaurant called "Fuel." It's an old filling station converted into an open-air Caribbean bar and grill where fish tacos and jerked chicken are staples. The food is okay. A little on the meager side. And a little overpriced because of it. But the service is tortuous. I mean, the worst service in Charleston. Hands down. It makes Granville's seem like The Charleston Grill. Expect to wait half an hour for a beer. And you better pray for a lime. They have a bocci court in the courtyard, which seems like a great idea. However, one of my friends was pelted in the back of the head from an errant toss while waiting for her beer. That's the problem with the place: it's fraternity row. Not only does that mean it's full of drunks with collared shirts who can't control their bocci balls, but it means the vast majority of the clientele doesn't mind waiting for beer or food. They don't care about anything. And it rubs off on the staff. That's also why you'll find some of the best pizza in town next to some of the most satisfied roaches in town. At D'Allesandro's, the pizza and the beer are good and cheap. However, the roaches also like their pizza and dine on it often. There was actually an email recently circulating around the Charleston area warning folks of the roaches at D'Allesandro's. I already knew about them, by the way, so whoever you are who 'replied all' with that grammatically incorrect attack on the sender of the initial email, shut the fuck up already. Anyway, for the same reason Fuel won't fix their waitstaff problems, D'Allesandro's won't fix their roach problem: college kids. They don't care about those things. When I was in college, I probably didn't care all that much either, so I can't blame them. Still, I'd like a place to eat in this town that doesn't sacrifice food or service or sanitation in the name of price. That's right, Moe's Crosstown. See you there. And for all you CofC students: how about skipping a night out and pooling some of daddy's money to fund an actual college radio station? Surely this town could use another Jack Johnson outlet interspersed with the kind of vapid musings normally found on blogs. Hey, wait a minute. Sign me up when you get that antenna!

Extreme Makeover: Foreclosure Edition

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 02:10:00 +0000

It's old news, but it's worth retreading. In an effort to boost tourism and capitalize on gay disposable income, some ads ran in London recently that promoted Charleston as tres gay. Charleston is sooooo Homosexual.

More recently - and actually more hilariously - is the news that an Extreme Makeover "Home Edition" house is now in foreclosure. Turns out the family used the new home as collateral for a $450,000 loan a couple of years back. The family says it was for a failed business. I'm guessing the business was called "Pink Ice & Corvettes" or maybe "Weekends in Daytona." Either way, I find it extremely funny. Get it? Extremely funny? Anyway, you gots to love America.

Ms. Silverman

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 02:21:00 +0000

I never found Jimmy Kimmel that funny; I now no longer find him that intelligent. I'm betting he forgot to DVR Cookie Time.

Also, the debate, er, the banging-your-head-against-a-brick-wall has been renewed - not long after this state handed Barrack a decisive victory over a cracker. The story from the Post and Courier.

Apparently, neither Don Imus nor that chick from the Golf Channel has opened their mouths this week. And I don't know if you happened to see the South Park "Chef Goes Nanners" episode back in 2000, but it had a pretty interesting take on the flag issue. Their city's flag depicts a black stick figure being hanged and two white stick figures are on either side of the gallows. You can watch the episode here.

Fire!

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 03:04:00 +0000

This is what I experienced last night:

This is the view from about five houses down at the end of the street (yeah, they photoshopped the edges, but the fire is real). Our house is across from the fence where the fire is.

This is an email I sent to my folks - edited a bit - around 5:15am this morning . . .

I woke up this morning around 3am to some people screaming for their lives. I heard some popping noise and more screaming. Screaming that really freaks you out - like someone is definitely dying. And it was all coming from outside my door. Then I heard a bunch of running upstairs and I thought my friend and landlord who lives upstairs was involved in whatever it was - that really freaked me out. I couldn't really process it. I dialed 911 and told the lady something crazy was going on outside my house - like a fight maybe. She asked what part of Sires and when I told her she said there was a fire at 21 Sires. I grabbed my dog, put on some clothes - no shoes - and then heard banging on my door - it's my friend yelling "fire!" I actually couldn't find my keys at first to open the door, so my friend ran upstairs to get his - by the time he got back I found mine and we both ran out. It was like daylight outside. And even in my house it was bright. Just bright orange everywhere. And hot. So hot. My friend said his entire bedroom was just lit up. We ran outside and watched as the biggest fire I've ever seen totally engulfed the blue house across the street - or really diagonally across the street. The house next to it then caught fire - the one directly across from us. People were screaming - when we ran out of our house we saw people running out of the burning house. A bunch of college kids. Some of them were lying in the street crying. Then the fire trucks showed up and it was pretty much mayhem. Tons of trucks and firemen. Hoses stretched down the street. Firemen breaking out windows. People still crying. Neighbors all out of their houses. Live 5 news. Ambulances. Cops.

Only three kids were truly injured - and only one was burned - amazingly. One of them broke a leg jumping out of a window.

At 5am they let us back into our house. I showered b/c I think I walked in someone's blood in the street and I smelled like smoke - and now am heading back to bed. There are still firemen all on the street. All of Sires was taped off. Spring Street was blocked off and news people were around. My landlord gave an interview. I initially thought the fire was started by a cigarette outside of the house. Anyway, it was probably the most frightening thing I've ever seen - the screaming was probably the worst thing. The fire was so huge - just raging. The house is gutted now. And it burned in like 5 minutes tops - the majority of the house. All I really learned is you better have a fire detector that works because you pretty much have no time to get out. Seriously, it is crazy how intense a house fire is. I highly recommend you getting smoke detectors for your house - today. The house directly across the street was doused with water and was saved - with the exception of everything inside the place, which is now soaked in water, and the upstairs which was burned. Anyway, that was my night.

We learned some more about the fire today. Hopefully, I'll have some pictures of the house - or what remains of it - to upload. So, apparently, they think the fire was arson. Someone lit a couch on fire on the front porch of the house while everyone was sleeping.

I will say the firemen were quite impressive. They were asking repeatedly if anyone was left in the house - and they were ready to go in. And they were very organized. Fortunately, everyone managed to get out.

Coverage: Scroll down for a picture of the house after the fire was put out.

A possible arsonist?

Forever Ever? Forever Ever.

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 16:05:00 +0000

So Tiny Mix Tapes had a lukewarm review of the new Girl Talk album a few days ago (3/5 dots or whatever). I was wondering where Pitchfork was on this one. They kinda slurped up Night Ripper - and rightly so. Well, there it is today on their front page - a "recommended" listen. But it doesn't matter what Pitchfork has to say about the album. You know it'll be unbelievably creative as far as the uncleared sample sources go. And you know it will demand the knob being turned to 11. Yes, 11. Anyway, there are a lot of classic rock clips on this new one, Feed The Animals, including Argent. Who doesn't love Argent? And plenty of guilty pleasures are on there too, including Prince's/Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U." Oh, and of course that ubiquitous Air Thin commercial ditty "New Soul" or whatever. God, and Soul 2 Soul? Love it. And is that Sufjan, Tom Petty, Air, The Cardigans, Big Country, Looking Glass, Nirvana? Yep. Anyway, you'll catch yourself playing that game for the entire 55 minutes - some being more obvious than others. And ultimately this is probably more accessible than Night Ripper if for no other reason than it isn't as stricken by ADD. But probably the best news out there - after the fact that the album is finally out - is that, like Radiohead before him, Gregg Gillis is letting you name your own price. For real? Hell maybe! Actually, hell yes.

Here ya go: It's worth at least a gallon of gas.

Addendum. Uh, Correction: That Sufjan like sample is actually Yo La Tengo's "Autumn Sweater." Don't know how I missed that at first.

86 the AIDS

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 03:13:00 +0000

You know what song I really like by The Bruce? Yep, "Streets of Philadelphia." If Forrest Gump hadn't played the lead role, I bet more people would like it. It's really uplifting. So why am I rummaging through old albums (um, digital files) of mine? Exactly. The radio in this town is abominable. And it's not even those new-fangled, dj-less stations that are popping up everywhere that has created the disaster that is Charleston radio. It blew long before The Chuck came to town. Yeah, right, The Chuck couldn't be much worse of a name. I think Atlanta has The Dave. I think I've also listened to The Steve somewhere. They're all the same. Some dude's name that is supposed to mask the fact each robot dude is pretty much playing today's version of Muzak (even though Muzak has apparently morphed into some sort of specialized music programming that isn't at all what you remember hearing in elevators back in the 80s). Come to think of it, I don't remember ever hearing elevator music - anywhere. Maybe it's because there isn't an elevator in SC that takes you up more than four floors. I guess it'd end up sounding more like a clip from that wonderfully boring old show "Name That Tune." But anyway that's what people call it: elevator music. My bet is that most people in Charleston don't mind The Chuck. And they might not even mind the agro-rock stations peppering the dial (which isn't really a dial anymore, obviously). That's because the majority of people wandering the streets in Charleston are helpless jackasses. The other day I was driving past a Gold's Gym that occupies an old windowless warehouse across the river. I commend them for reusing an existing eyesore, but at the same time I found it tremendously depressing. No windows. Probably just a ton of metal and mirrors. And probably one of those agro-rock stations blaring out of the drop ceiling. I wondered how that place stays in business. Then I went out for drinks later that night and it became fairly clear. There are a lot of guys who look like they could have played Division Three football or could possibly be in gay porn (or both) hanging out at most of the bars along King Street. The mating ritual is full effect at these bars. They're like those little Fiddler crabs raising their elephantiasis-stricken claws in unison. "Look at my biceps." "I belong to a gym." "I read Maxim on the john." "Wings aren't appetizers; they're dinner!" And they're just as indistinguishable: Lacoste shirt, tucked into khaki shorts or pants, and no socks between their tan feet and their boat shoes. Okay, I pretty much just described the uniform of my entire law school, but that's okay. Like I said earlier, I'm guilty of succumbing to the pressure of conformity. I belong to this large group of conforming non-conformists. You know, disheveled hair and beat-up sneakers. It's a very cool group to be in. First, it lets people know you don't give a fuck. Unless it comes to looking like you don't give a fuck, in which case, you do give a fuck. It's confusing, but it's calculated. Oh, and you should probably name Sonic Youth or Television as one of your major influences, even though you don't know who Thurston Moore or Tom Verlaine is. I know, I'm back to music again. That living accessory. I guess in the end we should just listen to what we like. And if you truly like Animal Collective then listen to them. And if you really dig Sweet Baby James then so be it. Or even Maroon Five or Creed or Nickelback or whoever they're playing right now on the majority of stations across the greater Charleston metropolitan area. I guess all I'm asking is that you not roll down your windows in that entry-level Acura coupe you leased. And maybe put the hardtop on your Wrangler. I don't want to hear that shit.

Women Rule

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 01:54:00 +0000

So they're halving the delegates.

"Shut up!" one woman shouted at another.
"You shut up!" the second woman shouted back.

Seriously. That's from the story. Awesome.

Spectacle

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Wed, 28 May 2008 01:22:00 +0000

Charleston Magazine had a feature last month that documented architects' love for eyepieces and individuality. Each shot seemed to scream, "Look at me, I'm creative." I guess there are few things left to cling to when your creativity can only go so far as your client lets it. But what is it they say about glass houses? That you need a really good architect to design one? No. Not exactly. Anyway, I'm guilty of it, as well. I don't wear a monocle or anything to help define who I am, but I do wear some really rad shoes. And I don't think I own a t-shirt that wasn't around to see the Challenger explode. I guess this ties into my rant below somehow. I mean, it's all about buying happiness and somehow thinking you're better than everyone who shops at Urban Outfitters or LensCrafters. So you go, Charleston architects, design that palatial spread out at Kiawah and see if you can't get a spread in Charleston Home. Or at least a mention in the Mercury. You, Mr. Roark, are a miracle worker. That tap you feel on your shoulder isn't your client asking for another bathroom on the first floor, it's me congratulating you on a job well done. Or maybe it's the lady at Saks telling you those Varvatos glasses are on backorder.

Blogging

noreply@blogger.com (keller) — Tue, 27 May 2008 01:01:00 +0000

Why does someone suddenly stop writing lame posts for his three readers? I don't know. I guess I haven't had anything to say. Sure, there have been some decent stories out there worth mentioning. I can't think of them now, though. Recently, however, I guess Hillary's assassination comment was interestingly blown out of proportion. But I think that proves that even CNN has run out of things to talk about. Yeah, that goes without saying when you have around-the-clock media coverage. Maybe my life and musings have just become boring. Or more boring. I'll tell you what is undeniably boring: the nightlife in Charleston. The only thing less gratifying is the radio in this town. Douchebags abound. That's probably the best summation of King Street. So there's Moe's Crosstown and The Rifle Club. That is all that's left in this town. Until I have kids. Or recognize the ones I've already had. Then I can start hanging out at city parks and Chuck E. Cheese's without seeming pedophiliac.

The only true noteworthy thing for my immediate future is a job with the city's legal department. I really don't know what I'll do there - other than research - but it should be interesting. Maybe I'll have some more insight on how a city functions these days - you know, with all of the legal obstacles out there, including overly litigious freeloaders. What I probably won't learn about, though, is how a city comes to be. That is, how a community sprawls and what leads people to approve or disapprove of developments that push the boundaries of a metropolitan area. The answer is certainly beset with legal issues, but I'm sure it's far too complex to understand in one summer. I don't think anyone truly understands it anyway. Or, at least, everyone has their opinions. But because I've been certifying buildings for te USGBC and writing copy for a local developer - and, of course, weighing my own student loan-riddled future - I've been giving it more thought than those other topics I generally blather on about. Even more thought than the absurdity of a college town without a college radio station. No amount of agro-rock can blind me from the light at the end of the tunnel - a light that Richard Hawley suggests might be a train coming the other way.

I was reading a book called The Death and Life of Great American Cities and another called On Paradise Drive. I didn't really finish either, because I'm lazy. But they both address suburbia, the former painting a much bleaker picture. And suburbia is such a popular topic these days. Suburbia is everything that's wrong with America, right? It's not smart planning, right? And now that everyone wants to say "green" at the end of all their sentences the argument seems pretty clear. Is my company green? Is my house green? Is my car green? Is my detergent green? Is my food green? Look, I have no idea if your car is green. The word has morphed into one with about nine alternate definitions. So maybe everything is green. Advertisers would have you believe that. And they are the same people that would have you believe your dreams can be fulfilled in some gated community 30 minutes from downtown. Yep, your wife won't cheat on you, your kid will make the team, your boss will give you a raise at the cookout you have on your patio on Sunday night, your neighbor will mow your yard while he's mowing his, your cancer will go into remission. God, pretty much whatever you want, you can get in that gated community. So we all laugh and make fun of those people who live there. They are suckers. Buying into some fabricated version of reality that only exists in a pamphlet. Everyone smiles in those pages. And the dogs don't bite. But aren't we faulting the wrong people? Of course we are. It's not some middle class family's fault for buying into the dream. They cant be blamed for wanting a yard. Or wanting a fence for their dog or kids. Or a community pool. It's too easy to blame them. So is it the developer's fault? Maybe. Or the advertiser's? Maybe.

But what's more important is that everyone who belittles those communities has bought into the same dream. They can just afford a house closer to town. Or one with an acre and really long, winding driveway. And a country club membership. And slimming clothes. But they want the same things. They want their kid to play lacrosse for the high school, they want to get another raise, they want to have cookouts on Sunday night with people they occasionally like and almost always tolerate. They want neighbors who know their first names and a faithful, thin spouse. Guess what? It might happen. But it likely won't. No amount of paint or granite or fertilizer will save you from those things they don't talk about in pamphlets. I guess honesty and truth is too big of a pill to swallow. And I guess that's why advertising is such a big business. So the truth as I see it is this: Regardless of the sex or race of our next president, the vast majority of Americans will still have a hard time buying a house. Iraq will still be a mess. Health insurers will still be reluctant to pay. And Nancy Grace will have another abducted white girl to cry about. But I guess it's all okay. I mean, thanks to Madison Avenue, your 20mpg Tahoe will be "environmentally friendly," the tree you plant in your yard will feed a hungry child in Africa, the vacation you take to Florida will bring you closer to your family, the sports camp you send your son to will ungay him, and the money you give to your church will guarantee you a spot in Heaven. Oh yeah, that exists, too.

So I'm off to shine my shoes for my first day tomorrow. The first in a long line dedicated to paying my student loans off and finding my idealized version of reality. It's not here. And it's not in the upstate of South Carolina. I can tell you that. I'd also tell you I'll keep you posted, but I've decided to stop over-promising. The next post will probably have something to do with venereal diseases and douchebags. Or maybe fantasy football. Right back in my wheelhouse.