Cold Coffee and Facials

Fire!

2008-07-08T23:04:00.003-04:00

This is what I experienced last night:

This is the view from about five houses down at the end of the street (yeah, they photoshopped the edges, but the fire is real). Our house is across from the fence where the fire is.

This is an email I sent to my folks - edited a bit - around 5:15am this morning . . .

I woke up this morning around 3am to some people screaming for their lives. I heard some popping noise and more screaming. Screaming that really freaks you out - like someone is definitely dying. And it was all coming from outside my door. Then I heard a bunch of running upstairs and I thought my friend and landlord who lives upstairs was involved in whatever it was - that really freaked me out. I couldn't really process it. I dialed 911 and told the lady something crazy was going on outside my house - like a fight maybe. She asked what part of Sires and when I told her she said there was a fire at 21 Sires. I grabbed my dog, put on some clothes - no shoes - and then heard banging on my door - it's my friend yelling "fire!" I actually couldn't find my keys at first to open the door, so my friend ran upstairs to get his - by the time he got back I found mine and we both ran out. It was like daylight outside. And even in my house it was bright. Just bright orange everywhere. And hot. So hot. My friend said his entire bedroom was just lit up. We ran outside and watched as the biggest fire I've ever seen totally engulfed the blue house across the street - or really diagonally across the street. The house next to it then caught fire - the one directly across from us. People were screaming - when we ran out of our house we saw people running out of the burning house. A bunch of college kids. Some of them were lying in the street crying. Then the fire trucks showed up and it was pretty much mayhem. Tons of trucks and firemen. Hoses stretched down the street. Firemen breaking out windows. People still crying. Neighbors all out of their houses. Live 5 news. Ambulances. Cops.

Only three kids were truly injured - and only one was burned - amazingly. One of them broke a leg jumping out of a window.

At 5am they let us back into our house. I showered b/c I think I walked in someone's blood in the street and I smelled like smoke - and now am heading back to bed. There are still firemen all on the street. All of Sires was taped off. Spring Street was blocked off and news people were around. My landlord gave an interview. I initially thought the fire was started by a cigarette outside of the house. Anyway, it was probably the most frightening thing I've ever seen - the screaming was probably the worst thing. The fire was so huge - just raging. The house is gutted now. And it burned in like 5 minutes tops - the majority of the house. All I really learned is you better have a fire detector that works because you pretty much have no time to get out. Seriously, it is crazy how intense a house fire is. I highly recommend you getting smoke detectors for your house - today. The house directly across the street was doused with water and was saved - with the exception of everything inside the place, which is now soaked in water, and the upstairs which was burned. Anyway, that was my night.

We learned some more about the fire today. Hopefully, I'll have some pictures of the house - or what remains of it - to upload. So, apparently, they think the fire was arson. Someone lit a couch on fire on the front porch of the house while everyone was sleeping.

I will say the firemen were quite impressive. They were asking repeatedly if anyone was left in the house - and they were ready to go in. And they were very organized. Fortunately, everyone managed to get out.

Coverage: Scroll down for a picture of the house after the fire was put out.

A possible arsonist?

Forever Ever? Forever Ever.

2008-06-27T12:05:00.003-04:00

So Tiny Mix Tapes had a lukewarm review of the new Girl Talk album a few days ago (3/5 dots or whatever). I was wondering where Pitchfork was on this one. They kinda slurped up Night Ripper - and rightly so. Well, there it is today on their front page - a "recommended" listen. But it doesn't matter what Pitchfork has to say about the album. You know it'll be unbelievably creative as far as the uncleared sample sources go. And you know it will demand the knob being turned to 11. Yes, 11. Anyway, there are a lot of classic rock clips on this new one, Feed The Animals, including Argent. Who doesn't love Argent? And plenty of guilty pleasures are on there too, including Prince's/Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U." Oh, and of course that ubiquitous Air Thin commercial ditty "New Soul" or whatever. God, and Soul 2 Soul? Love it. And is that Sufjan, Tom Petty, Air, The Cardigans, Big Country, Looking Glass, Nirvana? Yep. Anyway, you'll catch yourself playing that game for the entire 55 minutes - some being more obvious than others. And ultimately this is probably more accessible than Night Ripper if for no other reason than it isn't as stricken by ADD. But probably the best news out there - after the fact that the album is finally out - is that, like Radiohead before him, Gregg Gillis is letting you name your own price. For real? Hell maybe! Actually, hell yes.

Here ya go: It's worth at least a gallon of gas.

Addendum. Uh, Correction: That Sufjan like sample is actually Yo La Tengo's "Autumn Sweater." Don't know how I missed that at first.

86 the AIDS

2008-06-10T23:13:00.003-04:00

You know what song I really like by The Bruce? Yep, "Streets of Philadelphia." If Forrest Gump hadn't played the lead role, I bet more people would like it. It's really uplifting. So why am I rummaging through old albums (um, digital files) of mine? Exactly. The radio in this town is abominable. And it's not even those new-fangled, dj-less stations that are popping up everywhere that has created the disaster that is Charleston radio. It blew long before The Chuck came to town. Yeah, right, The Chuck couldn't be much worse of a name. I think Atlanta has The Dave. I think I've also listened to The Steve somewhere. They're all the same. Some dude's name that is supposed to mask the fact each robot dude is pretty much playing today's version of Muzak (even though Muzak has apparently morphed into some sort of specialized music programming that isn't at all what you remember hearing in elevators back in the 80s). Come to think of it, I don't remember ever hearing elevator music - anywhere. Maybe it's because there isn't an elevator in SC that takes you up more than four floors. I guess it'd end up sounding more like a clip from that wonderfully boring old show "Name That Tune." But anyway that's what people call it: elevator music. My bet is that most people in Charleston don't mind The Chuck. And they might not even mind the agro-rock stations peppering the dial (which isn't really a dial anymore, obviously). That's because the majority of people wandering the streets in Charleston are helpless jackasses. The other day I was driving past a Gold's Gym that occupies an old windowless warehouse across the river. I commend them for reusing an existing eyesore, but at the same time I found it tremendously depressing. No windows. Probably just a ton of metal and mirrors. And probably one of those agro-rock stations blaring out of the drop ceiling. I wondered how that place stays in business. Then I went out for drinks later that night and it became fairly clear. There are a lot of guys who look like they could have played Division Three football or could possibly be in gay porn (or both) hanging out at most of the bars along King Street. The mating ritual is full effect at these bars. They're like those little Fiddler crabs raising their elephantiasis-stricken claws in unison. "Look at my biceps." "I belong to a gym." "I read Maxim on the john." "Wings aren't appetizers; they're dinner!" And they're just as indistinguishable: Lacoste shirt, tucked into khaki shorts or pants, and no socks between their tan feet and their boat shoes. Okay, I pretty much just described the uniform of my entire law school, but that's okay. Like I said earlier, I'm guilty of succumbing to the pressure of conformity. I belong to this large group of conforming non-conformists. You know, disheveled hair and beat-up sneakers. It's a very cool group to be in. First, it lets people know you don't give a fuck. Unless it comes to looking like you don't give a fuck, in which case, you do give a fuck. It's confusing, but it's calculated. Oh, and you should probably name Sonic Youth or Television as one of your major influences, even though you don't know who Thurston Moore or Tom Verlaine is. I know, I'm back to music again. That living accessory. I guess in the end we should just listen to what we like. And if you truly like Animal Collective then listen to them. And if you really dig Sweet Baby James then so be it. Or even Maroon Five or Creed or Nickelback or whoever they're playing right now on the majority of stations across the greater Charleston metropolitan area. I guess all I'm asking is that you not roll down your windows in that entry-level Acura coupe you leased. And maybe put the hardtop on your Wrangler. I don't want to hear that shit.

Women Rule

2008-05-31T21:54:00.002-04:00

So they're halving the delegates.

"Shut up!" one woman shouted at another.
"You shut up!" the second woman shouted back.

Seriously. That's from the story. Awesome.

Spectacle

2008-05-27T21:22:00.005-04:00

Charleston Magazine had a feature last month that documented architects' love for eyepieces and individuality. Each shot seemed to scream, "Look at me, I'm creative." I guess there are few things left to cling to when your creativity can only go so far as your client lets it. But what is it they say about glass houses? That you need a really good architect to design one? No. Not exactly. Anyway, I'm guilty of it, as well. I don't wear a monocle or anything to help define who I am, but I do wear some really rad shoes. And I don't think I own a t-shirt that wasn't around to see the Challenger explode. I guess this ties into my rant below somehow. I mean, it's all about buying happiness and somehow thinking you're better than everyone who shops at Urban Outfitters or LensCrafters. So you go, Charleston architects, design that palatial spread out at Kiawah and see if you can't get a spread in Charleston Home. Or at least a mention in the Mercury. You, Mr. Roark, are a miracle worker. That tap you feel on your shoulder isn't your client asking for another bathroom on the first floor, it's me congratulating you on a job well done. Or maybe it's the lady at Saks telling you those Varvatos glasses are on backorder.

Blogging

2008-05-26T21:01:00.003-04:00

Why does someone suddenly stop writing lame posts for his three readers? I don't know. I guess I haven't had anything to say. Sure, there have been some decent stories out there worth mentioning. I can't think of them now, though. Recently, however, I guess Hillary's assassination comment was interestingly blown out of proportion. But I think that proves that even CNN has run out of things to talk about. Yeah, that goes without saying when you have around-the-clock media coverage. Maybe my life and musings have just become boring. Or more boring. I'll tell you what is undeniably boring: the nightlife in Charleston. The only thing less gratifying is the radio in this town. Douchebags abound. That's probably the best summation of King Street. So there's Moe's Crosstown and The Rifle Club. That is all that's left in this town. Until I have kids. Or recognize the ones I've already had. Then I can start hanging out at city parks and Chuck E. Cheese's without seeming pedophiliac.

The only true noteworthy thing for my immediate future is a job with the city's legal department. I really don't know what I'll do there - other than research - but it should be interesting. Maybe I'll have some more insight on how a city functions these days - you know, with all of the legal obstacles out there, including overly litigious freeloaders. What I probably won't learn about, though, is how a city comes to be. That is, how a community sprawls and what leads people to approve or disapprove of developments that push the boundaries of a metropolitan area. The answer is certainly beset with legal issues, but I'm sure it's far too complex to understand in one summer. I don't think anyone truly understands it anyway. Or, at least, everyone has their opinions. But because I've been certifying buildings for te USGBC and writing copy for a local developer - and, of course, weighing my own student loan-riddled future - I've been giving it more thought than those other topics I generally blather on about. Even more thought than the absurdity of a college town without a college radio station. No amount of agro-rock can blind me from the light at the end of the tunnel - a light that Richard Hawley suggests might be a train coming the other way.

I was reading a book called The Death and Life of Great American Cities and another called On Paradise Drive. I didn't really finish either, because I'm lazy. But they both address suburbia, the former painting a much bleaker picture. And suburbia is such a popular topic these days. Suburbia is everything that's wrong with America, right? It's not smart planning, right? And now that everyone wants to say "green" at the end of all their sentences the argument seems pretty clear. Is my company green? Is my house green? Is my car green? Is my detergent green? Is my food green? Look, I have no idea if your car is green. The word has morphed into one with about nine alternate definitions. So maybe everything is green. Advertisers would have you believe that. And they are the same people that would have you believe your dreams can be fulfilled in some gated community 30 minutes from downtown. Yep, your wife won't cheat on you, your kid will make the team, your boss will give you a raise at the cookout you have on your patio on Sunday night, your neighbor will mow your yard while he's mowing his, your cancer will go into remission. God, pretty much whatever you want, you can get in that gated community. So we all laugh and make fun of those people who live there. They are suckers. Buying into some fabricated version of reality that only exists in a pamphlet. Everyone smiles in those pages. And the dogs don't bite. But aren't we faulting the wrong people? Of course we are. It's not some middle class family's fault for buying into the dream. They cant be blamed for wanting a yard. Or wanting a fence for their dog or kids. Or a community pool. It's too easy to blame them. So is it the developer's fault? Maybe. Or the advertiser's? Maybe.

But what's more important is that everyone who belittles those communities has bought into the same dream. They can just afford a house closer to town. Or one with an acre and really long, winding driveway. And a country club membership. And slimming clothes. But they want the same things. They want their kid to play lacrosse for the high school, they want to get another raise, they want to have cookouts on Sunday night with people they occasionally like and almost always tolerate. They want neighbors who know their first names and a faithful, thin spouse. Guess what? It might happen. But it likely won't. No amount of paint or granite or fertilizer will save you from those things they don't talk about in pamphlets. I guess honesty and truth is too big of a pill to swallow. And I guess that's why advertising is such a big business. So the truth as I see it is this: Regardless of the sex or race of our next president, the vast majority of Americans will still have a hard time buying a house. Iraq will still be a mess. Health insurers will still be reluctant to pay. And Nancy Grace will have another abducted white girl to cry about. But I guess it's all okay. I mean, thanks to Madison Avenue, your 20mpg Tahoe will be "environmentally friendly," the tree you plant in your yard will feed a hungry child in Africa, the vacation you take to Florida will bring you closer to your family, the sports camp you send your son to will ungay him, and the money you give to your church will guarantee you a spot in Heaven. Oh yeah, that exists, too.

So I'm off to shine my shoes for my first day tomorrow. The first in a long line dedicated to paying my student loans off and finding my idealized version of reality. It's not here. And it's not in the upstate of South Carolina. I can tell you that. I'd also tell you I'll keep you posted, but I've decided to stop over-promising. The next post will probably have something to do with venereal diseases and douchebags. Or maybe fantasy football. Right back in my wheelhouse.

Bottom Feelers!

2008-03-21T09:29:00.002-04:00

Get it? I know. Hilarious, right? Anyway, there's a show on one of those channels you find out you have when you accidentally sit on the remote where 'noodling' is front and center. I cannot find clips from that show, because I didn't really look that hard, but those characters are much better than the ones here. Still, this should dovetail nicely with the Snapper Keeper. Get it? How was I not the last comic standing?!

Turtle Head

2008-03-20T11:00:00.000-04:00

This post is for rellek:

Stuff I Like: Soapboxes

2008-03-19T23:33:00.000-04:00

As you are now aware, Stuff White People Like is a blog exploding faster than something that explodes really fast. Whatever. Anyway, the thing is only two months old, yet it's been forwarded to me eighteen times already. I've overheard people talking about it more than that, and, the other morning, Very Short List featured the blog on its faux-hip website. Faux-hip? Hmmm. That might be redundant. At any rate, the blog lists all the absurd things white people enjoy. A quick aside: the guy next to me in class is reading the blog as we speak. So what am I doing blogging during a lecture? Decent question. Anyway, in addition to the guy next to me and that very short list that is surprisingly very long, as it's sent daily, the SWPL blog was linked to on one of my favorite sites, goldenfiddle. Yes, SWPL has arrived. Yes, it is well-written. Or at least written. And it is, at times, funny.

But I have a problem with it. First, I should preface this by saying that I am not a sensitive or politically correct person. I just think the blog is telling of our culture. Obama has been talking about the racial divide ever since his pastor threw him and the white man under the bus a few days ago. And Obama talks much more eloquently than I have ever pretended to write. Still, the message is clear: the race crisis is alive and well in America. Christ, I live it everyday. Whether it's getting yelled at for riding my bike the wrong way or driving the wrong way, I can assure you the yellers know my skin color before they yell. Plus, I am asked for money nearly everyday in my neighborhood. Now, mind you, I'm a student with no money, absolutely none, yet some people assume I have money because I am white. That's right, I'm being profiled. I have never seen anyone, black or white, ask a black man walking in my neighborhood for money. Come to think of it, that might be my new tactic. When I am asked for a dollar, I'll respond by saying, "Sorry, I don't have a dollar. Oh, hey, man, do you have $70,000 I can pay my student loans off with?" I'm sure that'll work. Anyway, the blog isn't directly about my neighbors. But indirectly it is. By giving me a list of things white people like, I'm given a list of things black people - and other minorities you can assume - don't like. Here's a sample of things white people like, without the fluff of comedy:

They looooove graduate degrees!

They looooove hybrid vehicles!

They looooove fresh fruits and vegetables!

They looooove yearly check-ups with their GP.

They looooove family vacations!

They looooove exercising!

Here's another list of things white people like that the creator of SWPL (who is a copywriter or art director or something for an ad agency in California or New York or something) has not yet tackled:

They looooove working!

They looooove to read books!

They looooove not going to jail!

They looooove paying for stuff!

Now, if he were to list those last things, I'd imagine more people would say he's racist. I'm not saying he's racist at all. I don't think that's the point - and I think he's far from that anyway. The point is that we're laughing at minorities for all the wrong reasons. And, damn, there really couldn't be an easier target. Truthfully, he gets it wrong in the title. He could say Americans or Yuppies, as has been suggested by some. That would make it seem less divisive, to use the word of the week. Further, the things it lists, or a lot of them, should be things we all like - regardless of color. The humor, I think, lies in why people like those things, not in liking the things alone. The pathetic thing about Americans is what motivates many of us to travel to 3rd world countries or to buy organic fruit. But organic fruit isn't a bad thing. And neither is recycling. And, yes, SWPL does get it right sometimes. And, yes, like I said earlier, it is funny when it does. But I do think there is a problem with a bunch of people sitting in cubicles laughing at all the things they do - or their friends do - that the majority of Americans don't for one reason or another, but should, in most cases. So go ahead and rad the blog and forget what I said. It's funny and worth forwarding. After all, white people are soooo crazy!

New Asshole Torn

2008-03-19T18:53:00.001-04:00

Excellent story.

Bam! Bam! Bambi.

2008-03-11T19:54:00.003-04:00

"She emptied her clip and reloaded." Officer Friendly sends deer to heaven - then proceeds to have a little target practice - in front of motorist.

No God For Sexy Men

2008-03-05T18:39:00.001-05:00

This story breaks my heart, though I take some solace in the fact that, for some, pain, in fact, don't hurt.

Things That Make You Go Yummm

2008-02-25T22:35:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I don't really know what that means, though I do really enjoy Stacy's Soy Chips, for what that's worth. Anyway, the main thing I wanted to get off my chest is actually a heartwarming story, like something you'd see around 8pm on Lifetime. Anyway, a friend and her husband (also a friend) were trying to have a child for what seemed to me to be a few years. After exhausting a lot of options, they were excited to be adopting. Well, that process is extremely involved - and time-consuming. Fortunately, Emily, the patient mother, chronicled it all in her blog, Looking for Lulu. The series, which is how it reads, culminated this past week when both Emily and her husband landed in Singapore to finally meet their child. My words don't really do it justice, so you should just read her story if you want to forget about politics and car bombs for a second. You should go back at least a week or two. Otherwise, it'll just come off as another doting mother with a premium account at Shutterfly.

Looking Forward to Something

2008-02-21T20:08:00.005-05:00

What am I looking forward to? Michael Gondry's latest creation, or re-creation, Be Kind Rewind. Times review!You can have all the fun I had on Thursday night yourself. Just click that there link.
The official site.

Dynamite Walls

2008-02-20T12:51:00.000-05:00

Bud Gay

2008-02-11T18:47:00.000-05:00

Yeah, their ads pretty much blow. But I am glad they're keeping those 7th graders busy after school. They don't seem to stop by offering me lame-ass wrapping paper anymore - and no one has tried to turn my living room into a doctor's office in at least six years. Seriously, as I told the guy who sent me the link below, Bud Light makes Maxim seem like The New Yorker. No joke. And that's the other thing. There are no jokes in Bud Light spots. Just fart noises and Dirty Sanchezes. I know! Let's drill a hole through the wall to the girl's locker room and, wait, that was Porkey's. Okay. I know! Let's sleep with a huuuuuge black girl and whip out her huuuuuuge undies and, oh, right, Road Trip. Um. Okay. Let's just take a dump there. Show some tits there. And call it a wrap. But not before winking to the camera, y'all. You gotta wink to the camera, y'all. Oh no he diiin. Wink. Wink.

Anyway, Will Ferrell is a one-man selling machine. I've purchased a gross of Old Spice since watching these things. I don't know how many a gross is, but it's probably like 900. That's a fact. Yes, I doubt he had a script. I mean, aren't writers everywhere on strike? That's why I've been so slack lately. Solidarity.

Whatever. They shame Bud Light's version. Watch them all. And I know there was a campaign a while back that did a similar thing. It was like for a video game or something. I can't find it. Still, these are good. And thanks to the Diesel for sending me the link all the way from Iowa or wherever.

Super Thought of the Day

2008-02-03T15:49:00.000-05:00

If the Patriots have been cheating since the beginning of the Brady era, why didn't they win last year? And why haven't they been undefeated before? I'm guessing it's because of all the ball sucking going on these days with the kids and drugs and guns and all.

That's Not What She Said

2008-01-28T23:08:00.000-05:00

If you're a woman, you'll probably want to get your husband or caretaker to read this for you. According to science people, men are extremely intelligent and women are just plain dumb. In fact, my own IQ is well over 320. The average woman estimates her IQ at 57, which turns out to be about the only thing the average woman can get right, according to science, as the average woman's IQ is in fact 57. Look, I really didn't read past the headline, which I think was "Men Are Smartier Than Women Folk" or something like that; I'm too busy making lots of money and driving fast cars for a paragraph or two telling me something I already done learned.

Hopeful Debate

2008-01-21T21:41:00.000-05:00

A fight! A fight! A black and a white! If the black don't win then John Edwards probably had something to do with it.

Oh, the democratic debate.

In other news, a California Raisin says goodbye to the fashion world the only way he knows how: With a Mongolian Chop a la Kin Corn Karn.

Tiger Butter

2008-01-18T01:50:00.000-05:00

This comes as little surprise: the kids provoked the tiger in the CA zoo. You hate to say, "They had it coming." But they had it coming.

Oh, and I'm on day three of Dual Action Cleanse. Bottom of the ninth. Nothin's doin'.

With Great Mustache Comes Great Responsibility

2008-01-15T12:33:00.000-05:00

Family Guy came back strong. Real strong.

In other news:

Clinton and Obama Argue Over Who's Blacker.

He Has 25 Million Reasons To Cry.

Huckabee to SC: "I am Jesus."

The Golden Globes Become the Golden Globes of Award Shows.

Rube Goldbergs Are So 2007

2007-12-20T11:25:00.000-05:00

Say It Ain't Sosa, Pt. CMXVI

2007-12-14T08:21:00.000-05:00

Exams took their toll on Keller's Kards. Funniness and timeliness were obvious casualties. Sexiness was also a casualty, though a bit less apparent to you folks at home. Regardless, I'm not dead yet again. Unfortunately. Why 'unfortunately'? One word: the motherfuckin' news, man. All I've been getting since awakening from my quasi-exam-stupor, is gay-ass news. Another troubled teen giving me another reason not to go to the mall - or to church. Another presidential hopeful giving me another reason not to go to the polls. Another group of scientists giving me another reason to not own a glow-in-the-dark cat. And another ESPN special-breaking-news-all-day-conference giving me another reason to watch What's Happenin' reruns.

If you were to believe everything you see and hear on ESPN, you'd think the twin towers just collapsed. Steroids in baseball? Oh my fuggin' God! Is 'so and so' still a Hall-of-Famer? Let's discuss it ad nauseam. This. Shit. Sucks. I really just want to watch some games. Too bad I can't do that because of this other thing that really sucks: The NFL Network. Great. I'm finally compelled to watch a bunch of overpaid caricatures, thanks to Fantasy Football, and the rug is just yanked out from underneath me. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you've probably got great tits. What the fuss is over is the NFL's essential blackout of some of their games; we're now forced to pay for something called 'The NFL Network' to watch good ole American football. How about some antitrust lawsuit or something? If this isn't a monopoly - and a blatant exploitation of it - I don't know what is. Actually, I've heard a few rumblings that may suggest just such a suit is in the works.

In other law-related news: warning labels for retards.

Let's see. What else? Oh, I recently had my ten-year reunion at The University of the South aka Sewanee. So that school is totally heading in the wrong direction. When I started back in the fall of '93, US News ranked the school somewhere in or near the top 15 of all national Liberal Arts Colleges and Universities. Sewanee hovered around that number for a couple of years, but ever since has been plummeting toward Charleston Southern. I'm so glad my education is not even keeping up with inflation. My diploma has been devalued, and I think the administration - and the new marketing team it hired - is a big reason for it. Marketing gurus are generally idiots* collecting bad information and disseminating worse information. That's the case when it comes to re-branding a school steeped in as much tradition and history as Sewanee. I know! Let's change the name so people don't think the school condones lynching. And let's ban kegs and kick fraternities off campus so our students will study more. Or just drink and drive more. Whatever looks good on paper, Dean Wormer.

*Some marketing gurus are actually gurus. They are few and far between. And worth the money.

As for the reunion itself, it was an overwhelming success. Apparently, all it takes to convince people you're a doctor and a lawyer and a veterinarian is a half dozen initials after your name. Yes, it's been a busy ten years for me, but it's been worth it. I also informed my alma mater that I had included them in my will, so I'm now part of some club with a really cool-sounding, archaic name. Little do they know, though, when I die I plan to die intestate. It's all in my will. Oh. Wait.

So what have I really been doing? Clearly, I haven't been studying. Everyone knows that. Surprisingly, I haven't been bowling since Thanksgiving. All I've really been doing is working on a few websites, eating a few Juan Elways at Moe's Crosstown and shotgunning a few Natty Lights. Oh, I did see Into the Wild. Recommend that one. Going to No Country tonight. I've heard nothing but praise for it. Haven't met a Coen Brothers film I haven't enjoyed, so I imagine I'll be blogging my praise, too. But sometime in spring, no doubt.

iHate 'Em

2007-10-23T21:50:00.000-04:00

I'm a little late with this, but I wanted to give the earbuds a fair chance. It's been a few years now, and I still can't figure them out. My workouts, sporadic as they may be, essentially consist of adjusting my earbuds. That's my workout. One falls out. And one: I put it back in. Then one starts sounding faint, so I mash it in a little farther, at which point the other needs adjusting. And two: then one of them falls out again. Then I throw the earbuds down. Then I just hold them in my ears with my hands and sit on a workout mat while I watch other people exercise. That's when I start crying, but after a while it just looks like sweat. And three: I've made a lot of friends at the gym. What happened to those Walkman Sport earphones? Or whatever they were called. They're hard to find, but they actually work. I've come to expect more from Apple. Thanks to their advertising. So I'm giving the least user-friendly earphones on the market, from the most "user-friendly" company in the market, the title of worst invention ever.

Ways To Get By

2007-10-21T22:47:00.000-04:00

To bastardize a Spoon hit from a few years ago. Anyway, living in the ghetto on a student's budget while trying to make it through the first year of law school takes some work. Just as important, though, it takes some creative thinking and some relatively cheap distractions. In my orientation packet, I received a pamphlet entitled "How to Succeed in Law School". I didn't read it, but I imagine it's packed with useful tidbits. Instead, I read a fantasy football guide and it has definitely helped me out. My team is currently steamrolling through my league, thanks to the handsome Tom Brady and late round pickups like Braylon Edwards and Wes Welker. But that's just one of my keys to success. Here are a few more keys if you find yourself in a similar situation to mine:

Buy a lot of records. I highly recommend the above album by Jens Lekman. I'm actually going to see him in Atlanta pretty soon. I also recommend taking road trips to transient-filled cities teeming with smog. As for the show, there should be plenty of gay hand clapping and gentle swaying, both of which are hobbies of mine. The album itself, Jens' latest, is superb. If you wish Stephin Merritt would take his Lexapro and Jonathon Richman would listen to a little more Motown, then this is for you. And if you like Scott Walker, you'll put the first track on the next mix you make for that girl who won't sleep with you.

Watch classic films. I saw the above film when I couldn't sleep one night. It made me want to kick a lot of ass. Here's a brief synopsis:

The Rock returns to his small hometown only to find it wasn't the wholesome place it used to be. He gets mad at first. And then he gets even. He takes a piece of lumber and smashes up a casino. He then takes that same piece of lumber and smashes up some people. He then becomes sheriff of the small town and starts smashing up some more people - legally. He bangs an old girlfriend and then smashes up some more stuff with the aforementioned lumber. He flexes. Roll credits.

That kind of inspiration is important when you're feeling like the world is on your shoulders. Like maybe you just can't pass Civil Procedure. Or like maybe you just can't deal with another bicycle being stolen from your porch. The Rock is a hero for our troubled times.

Invest your low-interest student loan money in EBay. Specifically, the goods EBay has to offer. I bought this Ham Radio set for $129 last week. I've been talking to truckers and other Home Hammers ever since. Not only do I enjoy my new Ham Radio, but I'm sure I could go back on EBay and sell it for like $130 or something. Like I would ever do that!

Be real. A great way to do that is by watching reality TV. I am currently enjoying Kid Nation. It airs all the time on my TV because I paid extra for DVR - I'm still waiting for them to kill the fat kid. A good friend of mine says he likes the show because it beats the JC Penny insert when it comes to "yanking material". I told Chad I had no idea what he was talking about, and I urged him to take his hands out of his pockets. I enjoy this show because it teaches us grownups how to live our lives more purposefully. We'd smile a lot and laugh a lot, and we'd say things like "doodie" and "cooties". We'd also wear tshirts all the time letting other people know of our respective hometowns, and reminding us which bus to hop on when we're really disoriented. Kid Nation is the most important reality show since Big Brother 7.

If you have other suggestions or secrets for success, I'm all ears.