Interesting post on my comment section, alter-ego. But what would the difference be if instead of beer the thing they were buying were oxygen? And why did the rich guy buying all that beer for everyone not run away in the 90s? And isn't the point, anyway, that we're all selfish and just want what's best for us as individuals? And if, by chance, the side-effects of helping me happen to help you, well, then, all the better. It seems like you're supporting a flat tax. That surely isn't fair. Look, I understand none of it is fair, but don't we need to ask, "What is least unfair?" And then, "What will ultimately help our country the most?" I'm just concerned we're slipping closer to those South American countries where 2% of the population holds 98% of the wealth. They may be great places to visit, but I don't think they're great places to live - at least they weren't in the 80s and 90s. Anyway, for me, it's about more than taxes. It's about education, the environment, alternative energy and personal liberties. I do not want to see a bunch of off-shore drilling - for the same reason I'm not too thrilled to see gas prices fall. Christ, aren't we just delaying the inevitable? Fuck quick fixes. The only way to quicken a real fix is to continue to have a situation that most Americans can't stand: namely, high oil prices. It's bad enough that we're borrowing money from the Far East and sending it to the Middle East, but we're ass-raping the environment.

I also do not want to see Polar Bears disappear. I also do not want to see Roe v. Wade overturned. I also do not want to see school vouchers become our answer for a failing public education system. You know, it's funny how education has taken a backseat to EVERYTHING this election. We've spent more time trying to figure out if Palin bought her pantsuits at Sax or at Neimans. Anyway, there are a lot of reasons Keller's Kards is officially endorsing Obama. OMG! Someone book me a seat on Meet the Press. For real, though, I am voting for Obama for many reasons, and I am not voting for McCain for just as many. So you could say I'm both voting for change and out of spite.

Palin is a fucking joke. Joe the Plumber is a fucking moron. And McCain had to make so many concessions to the GOP to secure the nomination that he's now a spooky, shaky shadow of his former self. And it's pathetic. Sad and pathetic. The good news, though, is it won't be too difficult to convince McCain that he's won, even if he has lost. The man is growing more senile by the day. Those closest to him could probably send him to a retirement home, a white one, of course, and tell him he's President. He can meet with foreign leaders in the cafeteria, like Sal from Hoboken. And he can give Rose Garden speeches to other residents' visitors while in a rocking chair on the front porch. They can even give him a red phone. It'll go directly to the nurses' station whenever he picks it up. They can play MASH DVDs on his TV and tell him it's a live feed from Afghanistan. USA! USA! USA!

Whatever. Go out and vote tomorrow.

Oh, Joe. Not only do you not pay fines in Arizona, nor have a business license, but you apparently do not have a clue. Taxes, by their very nature, spread the wealth. They always have and always will - unless we have some sort of flat tax, which no legitimate candidate has ever suggested. About eight years ago, Steve Forbes thought it was a good idea. But no one thought it was a good idea to vote for him. Anyway, if by some miracle - or nightmare - McCain and Palin take office, the taxes we pay under them will be redistributed. Or I guess they could just put all that money under a mattress. Guess whose mattress it won't be under, Joe? Yours. Then again, maybe things will trickle down to you and your business. You know, those empty lots on the outskirts of town might one day be home to six-bedroom Colonials with seven bathrooms that all need a good snaking. And that's when your phone might ring. And that's when you might meet the folks who would really benefit from permanent Bush tax cuts. They might even call you by name. But make sure you wear those little bootie things; they hate it when the help gets dirt on their Persians. Look, Joe, if it's about money, read the tax plans of each candidate. If it's about voting for a POW and someone who believes life starts at conception, push that GOP button. That's fine. If that's what you believe in, I'm not going to convince you that what I believe is somehow better. Those issues are mostly philosophical - mostly. The tax issue, on the other hand, is factual. There are numbers you could compare. Numbers, Joe. Numbers you cannot dispute. That's the beauty in numbers. Those other things, like abortion and building fences around our borders, are not so black and white. Argue about those things. If you vote for McCain and Palin on those issues, I will understand. If you vote for them thinking your closet will one day house a $150,000 wardrobe, I only hope you're pro-abortion. Because, my friend, we don't need any more retards on our streets.

We all know by now that the word "maverick" comes from a Texas dude who refused to brand his cattle. He apparently later abandoned them, and some say, and by "some" I mean Wikipedia, he wasn't interested in cattle; he paid it little attention, and that's why he didn't brand his herd. Regardless, these days it's synonymous with independent thinkers and actors, nonconformists, if you will. Well, up until McCain and Palin bogarted and bastardized it. What strikes me as funny, though, through all of this is the relationship between Trooper Gate and their favorite adjective. It's now known that Palin did abuse her powers in attempting to have fired her former brother-in-law. Not illegal, mind you, but somewhat unethical. I still don't quite understand that part of it, but that's neither here nor there. What is important is the McCain camp's statement, which went something like this, according to The NY Times:

"A pre-emptive report on the investigation by the McCain-Palin campaign, released late Thursday, said that beginning in October 2007, the governor and members of her administration repeatedly clashed with Mr. Monegan over budgetary issues and the direction of his agency.

After months of "repeatedly ignoring the governor's budget priorities, making public statements that directly challenged the governor's policy agenda and taking numerous unilateral actions in conflict with the governor in support of his own policy agenda . . ."

They went on to say the removal of Monegan (who refused to fire Wooten) was justified given Wooten's (the brother-in-law's) "rogue behavior" while a state trooper.

Hmm. Sounds like Alaska is filled with mavericks. I just find it funny that the McCain-Palin camp basically refers to these two guys as mavericks. And somehow the two guys should be reprimanded for it. I bet they wrote the word "maverick" initially in their press statement - partly because they're accustomed to typing it over and over again and partly because it's appropriate - only to quickly cut and paste it into their online thesaurus.

And, by the way, I am having a complete lapse, will someone please tell me the word for "public criticism." It's a great word. I have forgotten it.

Also, my running back picks were awful last week. I guess I was trying too hard to be a maverick. Goes to show it doesn't pay. But how about them wideout picks? Let's focus on that, my friends.

If you drafted Kitna, you're probably looking back on draft day every time you set your lineup thinking to yourself, "Man, I was so close to drafting Cutler instead. If only I had shotgunned one more beer and forgotten my infallible draft strategy for one round - just one round. I was that close. Now my season is over." Hopefully, you have a solid backup - like not David Garrard. Or Derek Anderson! Ugh. Who'd of thunk it? No one. That's what you need to remind yourself. No one thought Derek Anderson was going to suck so much ass that a shaky QB from Notre Dame's blue period would have a good chance to replace the dude midseason. No one thought The Lions would struggle to put up points. N one thought LT would play like a third-round running back and Lawrence Maroney would play like a ground-round running back. That won't save your season, but at least it will bring you back next year. Don't hate the game, playa.


Eli Manning - 278yds, 3TDs - I like him more than I like Jason Campbell who everyone seems to looooooove this week. Dude, Clinton Portis will get a heavy workload in that game. Sure, I'd start Campbell over a lot of QBs, but not Manning this week. I would start him over McNabb, by the way. Anyway, Eli should have a solid game against a less-than-solid Browns team.

Gus Ferotte - 253yds, 2TDs - Great bye-week replacement. The Lions blow and Gus will air it out a couple of times. And then give it to Peterson to kill the clock.

Jeff Garcia - 211yds, 2TDs, 2INTs - Not a bad replacement this week - if he starts and isn't pulled. The Panthers have a great D, but Garcia will get a score or two. You could start worse. And you can probably pick the dude up and drop your backup DST for a week. Or something.

Fred Taylor - 92yds, TD - He gets the bulk of carries for Jacksonville - and Denver does not have a good D. Should have a decent game for someone likely on your bench.

Felix Jones - 77yds, 2TDs - I'm thinking he gets two scores against Arizona. They need to give him the ball - and they probably will. At least one of those TDs will upset a few Barber owners. That game should be high-scoring. Very high.

Stewart/Williams - 124yds, 2TDs - It's a crap shoot. No one thinks they will run well against Tampa Bay, but they've run well pretty much all year. I'd start either one without much hesitation - unless you've got Peterson and Portis on your bench. Both Carolina backs should have a decent game. Not great, but decent.

Justin Fargas - 91yds, TD - If he plays, he's a good start. Especially if McFadden does not play - he likely won't. Check the game-time decisions.

Julius Jones - 102yds, TD - Green Bay will likely crowd the line because Matt is out (probably). Still, Green Bay doesn't do much against the run, and Seattle has little else. He's not a bad play today.

Larry Fitzgerald - 86yds, 2TDs - Should explode with Boldin out again.

Steve Breaston - 109yds, TD - Should also explode with Boldin out.

Isaac Bruce - 87yds, TD - Still not dead yet.

Marvin Harrison - 63yds, TD - I still believe in him. For some weird reason. And Gonzalez might be out.

Reggie Bush - 68yds Rushing, 72yds Receiving, TD - Too bad you can't get those special-teams yards and scores. Still, he's a must-start every week even with Deuce back. Especially if you're getting a point for every reception.

Miles Austin - 73yds, TD - Less risky than New Orleans WRs - and this should be a high-scoring affair. I'd play him over Crayton any week of the year.

Owen Daniels - 69yds, TD - He's a reliable TE pretty much every week. Unless you have Witten or Cooley, I'd start him.

Hank Baskett - 589yds, 7TDS - Give that Baskett the Biscuit!

Packers DST - If they're facing a backup QB, put them in your lineup. Otherwise, just go ahead and start The Vikings, Redskins or Giants. I bet The Bears don't explode like everyone is thinking. I'd also start The Panthers this week. They'll be scored on a couple of times, but they'll also force a couple of turnovers and record a few sacks.


Every player for The Lions - Kitna is out. The backup is injured. The Vikings have a decent defense. Sure, they'll be down all game and be forced to throw, but only Roy Williams was ever really targeted when this backup saw playing time last week.

Marques Colston - They say he might play, but it looks as though he'll only be used in certain formats. That means he's a risky start. Still, I'd start him over someone like Amani Toomer.

Robert Meachem - Just get rid of him. You're basically hoping for one or two long throws his way every week. That's a high-risk start. And depends on more luck than most other starts in fantasy. Not to mention, he dropped a ball or two last week and Colston will see some action this week. Brees spreads that ball way too thin.

Todd Heap - You can go ahead take a dump in your hand and rub it all over your scoreboard if you're starting this dude.

Ravens DST - I'm worried about this start. Peyton can't be this bad. Not to mention, The Ravens have had their greatest success against shitty teams. The Colts are not that shitty.


Pick up Tony Gonzalez. Or hold onto him. He might be traded, which could help your team come playoff time (after he's adjusted to a new offense). Steve Slaton has turned into a reliable starter. Ryan Grant is worth a start this week. He gets no credit, but he ain't bad.

Tammy, Tammy, Tammy. The greatest thing you ever gave Clemson may just turn out to be that loss last night. After all, it might just cement your exit. I'd call it an early exit, but it's late. Not by your contract's language, but by reality as I see it. It's the same story. Every. Year. And playing in the ACC gives you few excuses. This isn't the SEC. It would have been a big win last night and you were facing the Demon Deacons - a traditional football powerhouse. A juggernaut on the gridiron. I'd understand if the Tigers lost to Wake in basketball or in a debate or in a science fair. But football? That's about the only thing the tiny town of Clemson has to offer. Sure, it's a good school with great baseball and soccer programs, but football is its identity. And since you've taken the reins, Tammy, it's been one identity crisis after the next. I'm not saying you're a bad coach, I'm only saying you're not good enough. You're not good enough for that multimillion dollar contract and you're not good enough to win the pathetic ACC. Too bad no one is left on your schedule to prove the naysayers wrong. There's not a top-ten team there for you to miraculously "upset," thereby salvaging the season and saving your job in the process. My friends, if you're truly a Tigers fan, you'll be rooting for a couple more losses. It's in your best interest, my friends.

From The NY Times:

I only wish she had been asked: "Governor Palin, if paying taxes is not considered patriotic in your neighborhood, who is going to pay for the body armor that will protect your son in Iraq? Who is going to pay for the bailout you endorsed? If it isn't from tax revenues, there are only two ways to pay for those big projects - printing more money or borrowing more money. Do you think borrowing money from China is more patriotic than raising it in taxes from Americans?" That is not putting America first. That is selling America first.

Read it here.

My friends, Sen. McCain did not look as though he'd make it through the debate. The heavy breathing, the stammering, the Men's Wearhouse suit. It all rendered him rather elderly - and in stark contrast to the svelte Obama. Or O'Bama, as Bill Maher would like us to start referring to him as. He's Irish, after all. Not black at all. So there, you racists. You can now vote for him without conflict.

Palin said a lot of words last night. Mostly "also." I lost count at 96. Afterward, many pundits were saying she was readying herself for a 2012 bid for the Oval Office. Really? Look, I'm all for straight talk, but why is it that we feel the need for Joe Six Pack to run our country? And didn't we just have eight years of that? I guess eight more could be cool. We'd have Rose Garden speeches about football, shotguns and chili dogs. That'd be awesome. And it's just what we need, also. I'm sure the writers of every late-night talk show are, in some way, hoping Palin sticks around. Talk about writing in your sleep.

The only thing more frightening - or disheartening - than Palin as our Vice President is Palin as our President. If she were a man, we'd all be so much harder on her. On her fumbling for words, lack of knowledge, her folksy way of speaking, her contradictory statements. Imagine it. If she were an older man, everyone would have a field day with it. But as it is now, Fox News is chalking up a victory for her simply because she tells it like it is while sounding like an outsider. Whatever that means. I think it means you play with the hand you are dealt. And they're doing just that, even though they've got a pair of twos. Ugh. Here's to Palin-Sixer '12!

An excerpt:

Palin: Patriotic is saying, government, you know, you're not always the solution. In fact, too often you're the problem so, government, lessen the tax burden and on our families and get out of the way and let the private sector and our families grow and thrive and prosper.

Palin (minutes later): There is not. And how long have I been at this, like five weeks? So there hasn't been a whole lot that I've promised, except to do what is right for the American people, put government back on the side of the American people, stop the greed and corruption on Wall Street.

And the rescue plan has got to include that massive oversight that Americans are expecting and deserving.

Er, Wieden+Kennedy.