I believe I pulled this from The Washington Post. It doesn't really matter, though. All that matters is you're not going to get anything remotely truthful out of the candidates these days. And I don't want to sound biased, but the McCain-Palin camp is especially guilty of spewing half-truths.

From a Times Op-Ed piece:

Look at Carly Fiorina, John McCain's top economic surrogate - if you can find her this week, after the news and her narrative fused in a negative way. Dismissed as head of Hewlett-Packard after the company's stock plunged and nearly 20,000 workers were let go, she was rewarded with $44 million in compensation. Sweet!

Thank God McCain wants to appoint a commission to study the practice that enriched his chief economic adviser. On the campaign trail this week, McCain and Palin pledged to "stop multimillion dollar payouts to C.E.O.'s" of failed companies. Good. Go talk to Fiorina at your next strategy session.

Click here for the whole thing.

Labels: ny times, palin, sucks

Yeah, we've all been to CBS Sportsline to read what Mr. Roto or whoever is spewing on and on about. This week it's all about how sweet Julius Jones is and how not sweet the Bengals are. Great. I'll pick Julius Jones up tomorrow. And I'll drop T.J. Houshmanchampionship.

Everyone is lubing up for Matt Cassel already. I say wait it out another week. Sure, he might toss a couple of TDs. In fact, I bet he will, but Bill Parcels won't lose by 21 points. There are more than 8 QBs who are a safer play than Matt Cassel.

Last week, I was right about a fair amount of my predictions. And wrong about a fair amount, too. Ricky Williams? Great game last week. My biggest mistake, though, was banking on Vernon Davis and Jeremey Shockey. What had happened was. Right. Anyway, you can't win them all. And that's why they play the game. It is what it is. Am I right or am I right? So without further Apu, my predictions for the forthcoming week. Again, I am not going to state too many obvious starts. Just a few:


Quarterbacks . . .

Tony Romo - 311yds, 3TDs, INT - Owens and Witten make him a safe play every week.

Aaron Rodgers - 287yds, 2TDs, INT - McNabb was okay against them. He should be better. By the way, you know Brett has him in his fantasy league and just benches him every week out of spite.

J.T. O'Sullivan - 292yds, 2TD, INT - Is he a quarterback? Check. Playing Detroit at home? Check.

Jon Kitna - 275yds, 3TDS, 2INT - At San Francisco? Playing from behind - again? Sign me up.

Jason Campbell - 262yds, 2TDs, INT - Don't be scared off just yet. This might be his game even though everyone is taking Arizona to The Olive Garden and shit.

Phillip Rivers - 273yds, 3TDs, INT - LaDanian is hurting. Rivers is feeling good.

Matt Hasselbeck - 286yds, 2TD, INT - You can do it, Matt! It's The Lambs.

Tavaris Jackson - 3snickers, 2cokes, 1stripclub, 3INT - Somehow, he'll still manage to throw a few picks.

Other thoughts:

Eli Manning is a better play than Drew Brees. Delhomme might have a better game than McNabb. Trent Edwards isn't a terrible play. I bet he has better stats than Favre.

Running Backs . . .

Marion Barber - 114yds Rushing, 41yds Receiving, 2TDs - Wish I had drafted him.

Frank Gore - 121yds Rushing, 53yds Receiving, TD - He should implode. I mean explode.

Chris Johnson - 108yds, TD - I'm starting him every week until he's injured. Or sucks for three weeks in a row.

Michael Turner - 123yds, TD - He did have a down week last week, which I predicted sorta, but he's got the Chefs this week.

Willis McGahee - 102yds, TD - The Browns? And his QB blows? Hand that man the ball.

Selvin Young - 74yds, TD - Risky play, but worth it against the Saints.

Michael Bush - 84yds, TD - If McFadden is out, add 20 yards to that total.

Joseph Addai - 68yds Rushing, 47yds Receiving, 2TDs - Everyone is saying it won't happen, which is why it will.

Reggie Bush - 68yds Rushing, 76yds Receiving, TD - Like I said, all year long. Until he's hurt. Brees loves that screen pass. And he apparently doesn't love Shockey as much as I had predicted last week. Plus, Denver has solid DBs.

Other thoughts:
Johnathon Stewart will score another TD - even against The Vikings. Jones-Drew will not blow up like everyone thinks he will this week. Still, I'd start him if he ain't injured; he'll score. Every time I think Westbrook will be stopped by a great D, he scores like 9 TDs. I'll give him 2 short runs at home. Kevin Smith is worth a start this week if you've got a flex position open.

Wide Receivers . . .

Calvin Johnson - 102yds, TD - The dude is a beast. He looks like a character I created on Madden and then didn't tell anyone else I created. And then they'd get all pissed when they saw this behemoth line up across from them. But I'd convince them it was just a glitch. And then they'd get really pissed when the graphics would come up after the behemoth scored: "Touchdown Black Anus!"

Wes Welker - 87yds, TD - Matt Cassel should buy (or give) this guy a blowjob or something before the season is over.

Eddie Royal - 93yds, TD - And that's with about 8 receptions.

David Patten - 74yds, TD - Who else besides Bush?

Issac Bruce - 88yds, TD - I thought he was dead. But like my dad said when I told him I was too old for him to be giving me suppositories, "That's what you get for thinking."

Vincent Jackson - 79yds, TD - He should get about 6 catches - he's targeted about as much as Chambers, as far as I can tell.

Greg Jennings - 112yds, TD - Great mid-round pickup thanks to Rodgers.

Hank Baskett - 347yds, 7TDs - WWJD?

Other thoughts:
I still think Marvin has it. I still think Matt Jones uses cocaine. What else can explain his concentration level in catching all them pigskins? I still think Holmes will outplay Ward this year - and I'll keep saying that until week 16, at which point, if my prediction has not been proven correct, I'll just say, "I meant the other way around." Also, I bet Gus airs it out a few times to Berrian to silence the critics. That's not saying he'll catch them, though.

Tight Ends . . .

Jason Witten - 89yds, TD - Balls.

John Carlson - 78yds, TD - Bandwagon? On it.

Todd Heap - 67yds, TD - If not Willis, then Todd. Still, risky considering the QB.

Dallas Clark - 81yds, TD - If he plays, he plays well.

Owen Daniels - 52yds, TD - Whoever the hell is throwing the ball for Houston won't have much time to get rid of it. Enter: TE.

DST . . .

Patriots - My number one DST for the week. Even minus the ST. Wait, I mean number thirty-one. What the fuuug is up with that game?
Panthers - Don't sleep on these guys. New QB. Gimpy RB. Not a bad play. No one else seems to think so.
Titans - Houston? They have a problem.
Bills - Oakland Blackouts.
Colts - Don't be afraid to start them this week. The Jaguars O-Line is MIA.
Ravens - I'm a bit scared here for some reason, even though I don't have much faith in Derek and his entire offense. Still, I say play them.

Kickers . . .

Fist kickers.


Again, these are guys I'd sit, who I might not normally sit, if I have better options. Don't feel bad about sitting them, in other words. Their names ain't gonna get you points.

Derek Anderson - Not a terrible start, but a pretty good shart.

Brett Favre - Gunslinging will cost him a TD or two.

Marc Bulger - Whoooaaa!

Donovan McNabb - Steelers will clamp down on his Chunky-Soup ass.

Steven Jackson - Almost as bad a first-round pick as Tom Brady.

Thomas Jones - I thought about keeping him off this list, but The Chargers are pissed.

Jamal Lewis - If he gets a TD, he gets that TD from the 1.

Lawrence Maroney - I'd sure hate to have Steven Jackson and Lawrence Maroney as my backfield.

Matt Forte - The Bucs gotagoot defense. See: last week.

Torry Holt - Yeah, he had a great catch. A. A. A Great catch.

Steve Smith - He'll score - maybe. But this is not his breakout game. I just don;t see it. I'd give him one week to get up to speed.

Braylon Edwards - See: Steve Smith. The dude is just now getting his shit together. He'll be fine after this week. Still, you have to start him unless you've got Eddie Royal or Roy Williams stashed away.

DeSean Jackson - I bet The Steelers hit him hard. Real hard.

Cowboys DST - Did you watch Monday night?

Other Thoughts:
Clinton Portis is not a top-ten RB this week. The NE-MIA game might be low-scoring. It sucks for Slaton that his first start is against The Titans. Christ, they made a movie about those guys! They must be good.

Labels: fantasy, football, stats

I haven't watched the video on CNN - I just don't think I can stand it - but I've read the accompanying story, the one about the pig abuse. I have a hard time reconciling my love for sausage with a story like that. I mean, sausage tastes sooo good. I just don't know if I could give it up entirely. Still, I think there are more humane ways to harvest a little bacon, though many would argue that's oxymoronic. What needs to happen to those men is jail. Like years in prison. They'll get out on parole after 18 months, but the precedent will be set. And the plant? Shut it down. Plain and simple. And Hormel? Some sort of hefty fine. The negative publicity alone won't cost them enough dollars to teach them a lesson in vigilance, humanity and accountability. I urge you to, at the very least, buy your hog from someone other than Hormel. And I also urge you to do your homework. Free range chickens? There is no USDA definition of that. Don't be fooled. They still probably don't have beaks. I'm not saying you should give up meat and dairy products; that's a message that people tune out before you get to the part where you tell them soy milk tastes great and is blah, blah, blah. Exactly. So what you should do, in the real world, is find out from whence your ham hock comes. Buy your eggs from some local hippie you know. And don't fucking beat animals. People who beat animals have small penises and jerk off to Toys-R-Us ads. You know, we had a pig when I was younger. Not one of those fake Vietnamese pigs, a real, big pig. They are smart. They are playful - at least before they get immobile from obesity. And they generally kick ass. And, yes, they go well with eggs. They do not, however, go well with abuse.

Labels: abuse, animal, pig, sausage

Michael Phelps sank in his hosting duties over at SNL. Then again, no one would have done well with that material. The only thing I took away from the show was that Lorne Michaels misses Tina Fey. Badly. And comedy writers are clearly opting for The Cartoon Network over a chance to write for SNL. Totally snoring.

Sweater Vest is doing his best Tommy Bowden. Let's not play our best player so that when we lose we can argue we would have won if we had our best player in there. And, because of that, we can argue we're still in the BCS hunt. Genius. Or vajjy. Whatever.

What I hate most about fantasy sites is not how they go out on limbs and tell you to start, oh, say, Tom Brady against the Lions. Or maybe Joseph Addai against the Saints. Yeah, we can figure that out on our own. Although, starting Brady this year is unfortunately a bad decision. I still can't believe he's out for the year. Yep, even though starting Westbrook at the Jets ain't a bad play, we can't forget there are no guarantees in fantasy. And that's why they play the game. Oh my God! I think I just coined a new phrase. Whatever. So, anyway, I'm gwine try to forecast some fantasy predictions every Friday-ish here at Keller's Kards. Why? Because that's what Jesus would do. Oh my God! I think I just coined a new phrase.

As for my teams, as someone who bought into the Jason Campbell hype (for two of my teams), I am concerned. This is starting to look a lot like the Alex Smith show of last year. Granted, it's only one game and I never freak out after the first week, but I will give the dude two more games before I really consider cutting him. And you don't need me to tell you the Raiders suck more ass than Charlie Weis. Wait. (That somehow would have made more sense if the expression had something to do with hotdogs. Or riding coattails.) Can you believe the Raiders went to the Super Bowl six years ago? And can you believe Vince Young was on the cover of Madden two years ago? And that's why they play the game.

But before I get into fantasy, I'd like to vent a bit about the RNC, the DNC and politics in general. Nothing is more frustrating than watching a smiling candidate promise you he (or she this year) is going to shake things up and set in motion all kinds of change in our stubborn nation's capital. We hear it every four years. And more if we tune into state races. And every year, if there is change at all, it seems it's for the worse. Hmm. Maybe the past eight years have clouded my memory. But more often than not there is no change. Just a bunch of talking. Christ, McCain has been in DC for a couple of decades and yet he's still promising some sort of change. Change we need because we're all so sick and tired of do-nothing politicians. What the fuck? Are you serious? You're criticizing yourself. Wait. No you're not. You're a war veteran. And a former POW. I forgot what you were saying. USA! USA! USA! I think a good idea would be to elect every former POW to a governmental position. That's all it takes, right? Now if you can find me a black POW - or better yet a black female POW - then we're in business. My favorite part of the RNC was when the cameras panned out to the crowd and some slap-happy old white man was swaying to Heart and waving a "mavrick" sign. That's right. No "E." Either the sign was a show of the guy's maverick ways or was the best spelling in politics since potatoe. I could say the same things about the DNC. A bunch of words. A bunch of clapping to 70s classics. Come to think of it, why is it that every four years they play the same old classic rock and R&B? Remember Fleetwood Mac? I thought this year was all about change. After watching the Palin interview with Charles Gibson, I know without a doubt it's about nothing more than the lowest common denominator - once again. That lady didn't answer one of Gibson's questions. I think the media has actually been too kind to her since the interview. She was terrible. Just pathetic. "You know, Charlie, what we need to do, Charlie, is look out our window and see the changing world and know, Charlie, how much we need change, Charlie. Not the same old politics as usual, Charlie. No more earmarks, Charlie. By the way, Charlie, that's Russia right over there! I know it like the back of my hand. And, oh yeah, I think Obama is definitely regretting not choosing Clinton as his VP - especially now. I mean, I've got a vagina. Biden? No vagina. No vagina, Charlie."

Because the race is unbelievably close, the pundits were predicting the election would come down the debates. Here's a prediction: If you tune into Fox after the debates, the GOP will have won the debates handily. If you tune into CNN afterwards, they'll tell you the Dems took care of business. It's a shame. Unless you're making over 600k a year, your financial life will likely be better off with those tax-crazed Democrats. I know. It doesn't make sense, does it? And if you haven't figured out that those evil terrorists don't care who's in office, well then, Charlie, keep your eyes on that spit of land over there; it's the Ruskies and they're up to no good.

Okay, so my surefire picks:

People are slurping McNabb after his week one assault. Well, I say if you've got someone with a better matchup, sit McNabb. I'm going to. I'm sitting him in favor of Rivers. Sure, it could come back to haunt me, but McNabb has little to throw to and the Cowboys have a pretty solid D. Not to mention, Rivers has Gates. With Bailey and Bly roaming the secondary, Gates should have a big game. I don't trust LJ Smith as much. And I imagine the Cowboys will focus in on Westbrook. Plus, the Eagles had their success against the Lambs. That doesn't tell us anything. I'm sitting McNabb.

And a word about your first-round picks: unless you are very deep at one position, start them every week unless they're injured. Could I have qualified that anymore, Charlie?


Quarterbacks . . .

Drew Brees - 3TDs, INT, 315yds - I don't care that Colston is out. The dude will throw for 300 yards. He'll have to.

Aaron Rodgers - 3TDs, INT, 294yds - Throwing against Detroit? I'd start Kyle Orton here.

Jon Kitna - 2TDs, 2INTs, 242yds - Yeah, Green Bay has a good defense. But the Lions have no defense, which means they'll be playing from behind, and they have freaks for WRs.

Eli Manning - 3TDs, INT, 286yds - The Lambs.

Jake Delhomme - 2TDs, INT, 243yds - Not a bad play this week, even against the Bears.

Running Backs . . .

Earnest Graham - 121yds, TD - They ain't got much else, and they're facing the Falcons.

Reggie Bush - 81yds Rushing, 89yds Receiving, TD - Unless he gets hurt, he'll have a big year. I tried to get him in the 3rd round in all my drafts. I don't have him on ant of my teams.

Willie Parker - 111yds, 2TDs - Browns stink. Willie don't.

Chris Johnson - 117yds, TD - LenDale is fat. The Bengals suck. The Titans like to run.

Michael Turner - 94yds, TD - Won't be balls-deep like last week, and I imagine the Bucs will try to make Matt "$70 Mil" Ryan beat them, but he should score.

Ryan Grant - 126yds, 2TDs - Oh, Detroit. When will you ever learn? Yep, I've got Green Bay putting up 35 points.

Justin Fargas - 91yds, TD - He may split carries with McFadden, but he's about the only thing worth a start for Oakland - depending on the matchup. This week it's the Cards.

Ricky Williams - 83yds, TD - You could start worse. See below.

Wide Receivers . . .

Plaxico Burress - 147yds, 2TDs - He should have a monster game.

Marvin Harrison - 83yds, TD - He's a great #2 WR until further notice.

Roddy White - 112yds, TD - They'll have to throw (see above) and he should benefit.

Patrick Crayton - 79yds, TD - The Eagles will try to stop TO, which should leave Crayton open a few times.

Santonio Holmes - 108yds, TD - The Browns can't stop anybody, and I think Ward's big week last week was an anomaly. That's not to say he won't have a good year, only that Holmes should outplay him this year.

Hank Baskett - 437yds, 8TDs - He puts the football in the basket. I could be way wrong here, though.

Tight Ends . . .

Jason Witten - 97yds, TD - Best TE start of the week, thanks to Romo and the Eagles DBs.

Antonio Gates - 93yds, TD - Broncos DBs will open it up for Gates.

Chris Cooley - 71yds, TD - Yeah, terrible start last week, but if he can't do it against the Saints, it's going to be a long year.

Dante Rosario - 74yds, TD - If healthy, he's a top-5 TE this week.

Jeremy Shockey - 83yds, TD - Colston's situation helps him immensely.

Vernon Davis - 72yds, TD - J.T. like him, and he's athletic.

DST . . .

Top 5 for the week:
Panthers - Moving Peppers was a good idea.
Colts - Jackson cannot throw. Plus, they lost last week.
Bears - They'll get a couple of turnovers.
Patriots - They should have some incentive to prove everyone wrong about their season.
Steelers - Cleveland looks horrible.

Kickers . . .

Fuck kickers.


In no particular order, these are guys I would sit, who I normally wouldn't sit, if I had better options. In other words, these folks are overvalued. That doesn't mean, though, that you start Ted Ginn, Jr. over Chad Whatever:

Joseph Addai - I know, I said never sit your first-rounders. But you might have RB depth. I don't know. I'm not in your goddamn league.

Braylon Edwards - Doesn't seem like himself. Plus, the Steelers have a good D. Still, unless you have two other great WR options, I'd consider leaving him in.

Steven Jackson - Long year? Probably.

Derek Anderson - I hope I'm wrong here, but the Steelers look good and the Browns look like Poo.

Maurice Jones-Drew - His offensive line is basically The Replacements without the holdout.

Laurence Maroney - No telling who will get the carries for Hoodie.

Chad Johnson - Ocho Stinko until further notice. Yeah, he still might get a TD, though.

Torry Holt - He's what everyone was saying Marvin Harrison would be this year.

Dallas Clark - He might not even play. There are at least eight better TEs this week.

Jags DST - I think they'll be on the field too much this week. They're not bad. Just too little offense means too few breathers.

In keeping with our Dolemite theme this year, to determine draft order we shot at each other with paintguns. One guy would stand on the deck with a loaded gun and a cold beer. The other guy would run from one end of the backyard to the other. Fewest shots to record a hit had the first overall pick. I got hit by subscriber to Field & Stream. Still, my draft was solid.