You know what women who hang off the arms of closeted gay men are called? Beards. I'm sure you all know that already, but I thought a refresher would be in order seeing as how a couple of weeks ago the James Beard awards were handed out. I guess - ultimately - a beard masks things. And, yes, they are manly. The award itself recognizes the country's finest chefs and restaurants, according to Wikipedia. The only recipient of the apparently prestigious award in South Carolina runs a kitchen two blocks from my apartment: Hominy Grill. Back when Hominy opened, it was a hidden gem among one of the more rundown neighborhoods on the western side of the peninsula. As is it now, it is one restaurant among three at the corner of a thriving - yet still rough around the edges - intersection of college-kid-populated streets.

As for Hominy Grill, I don't know how it keeps winning. The food has definitely taken a backseat to the logistics of seating throngs of curious tourists and hungover college kids. You can plan on waiting at least 30 minutes for breakfast on the weekends, typically closer to an hour. So what about the food? It's average at best. The other morning I had a biscuit that fell apart like termite-infested wood. And that's not a good thing - especially considering it tasted, I imagine, marginally better than said wood. I ended up using a fork to eat the thing. And because of all the press and tourists, everyone in there assumes you're a tourist. One waitress a few months ago tried to explain to me what homefries were when I asked her how theirs were. "Oh, they're like what you call hashbrowns." Oh, really? Well, this is what you might call "The back of my hand across your face." No one at our table was happy with our meal. Too much bread on the sandwiches. Overly greasy fries. Bland grits. So I really just want to know if anyone from the James Beard Foundation has eaten at Hominy Grill lately. I have serious doubts. So as it is, the award will continue to mask what Hominy Grill really is: a tourist trap. Hyman's anyone?

In other neighborhood eatery news, across the street from Hominy is a new restaurant called "Fuel." It's an old filling station converted into an open-air Caribbean bar and grill where fish tacos and jerked chicken are staples. The food is okay. A little on the meager side. And a little overpriced because of it. But the service is tortuous. I mean, the worst service in Charleston. Hands down. It makes Granville's seem like The Charleston Grill. Expect to wait half an hour for a beer. And you better pray for a lime. They have a bocci court in the courtyard, which seems like a great idea. However, one of my friends was pelted in the back of the head from an errant toss while waiting for her beer. That's the problem with the place: it's fraternity row. Not only does that mean it's full of drunks with collared shirts who can't control their bocci balls, but it means the vast majority of the clientele doesn't mind waiting for beer or food. They don't care about anything. And it rubs off on the staff. That's also why you'll find some of the best pizza in town next to some of the most satisfied roaches in town. At D'Allesandro's, the pizza and the beer are good and cheap. However, the roaches also like their pizza and dine on it often. There was actually an email recently circulating around the Charleston area warning folks of the roaches at D'Allesandro's. I already knew about them, by the way, so whoever you are who 'replied all' with that grammatically incorrect attack on the sender of the initial email, shut the fuck up already. Anyway, for the same reason Fuel won't fix their waitstaff problems, D'Allesandro's won't fix their roach problem: college kids. They don't care about those things. When I was in college, I probably didn't care all that much either, so I can't blame them. Still, I'd like a place to eat in this town that doesn't sacrifice food or service or sanitation in the name of price. That's right, Moe's Crosstown. See you there. And for all you CofC students: how about skipping a night out and pooling some of daddy's money to fund an actual college radio station? Surely this town could use another Jack Johnson outlet interspersed with the kind of vapid musings normally found on blogs. Hey, wait a minute. Sign me up when you get that antenna!

It's old news, but it's worth retreading. In an effort to boost tourism and capitalize on gay disposable income, some ads ran in London recently that promoted Charleston as tres gay. Charleston is sooooo Homosexual.

More recently - and actually more hilariously - is the news that an Extreme Makeover "Home Edition" house is now in foreclosure. Turns out the family used the new home as collateral for a $450,000 loan a couple of years back. The family says it was for a failed business. I'm guessing the business was called "Pink Ice & Corvettes" or maybe "Weekends in Daytona." Either way, I find it extremely funny. Get it? Extremely funny? Anyway, you gots to love America.

I never found Jimmy Kimmel that funny; I now no longer find him that intelligent. I'm betting he forgot to DVR Cookie Time.

Also, the debate, er, the banging-your-head-against-a-brick-wall has been renewed - not long after this state handed Barrack a decisive victory over a cracker. The story from the Post and Courier.

Apparently, neither Don Imus nor that chick from the Golf Channel has opened their mouths this week. And I don't know if you happened to see the South Park "Chef Goes Nanners" episode back in 2000, but it had a pretty interesting take on the flag issue. Their city's flag depicts a black stick figure being hanged and two white stick figures are on either side of the gallows. You can watch the episode here.

This is what I experienced last night:

This is the view from about five houses down at the end of the street (yeah, they photoshopped the edges, but the fire is real). Our house is across from the fence where the fire is.

This is an email I sent to my folks - edited a bit - around 5:15am this morning . . .

I woke up this morning around 3am to some people screaming for their lives. I heard some popping noise and more screaming. Screaming that really freaks you out - like someone is definitely dying. And it was all coming from outside my door. Then I heard a bunch of running upstairs and I thought my friend and landlord who lives upstairs was involved in whatever it was - that really freaked me out. I couldn't really process it. I dialed 911 and told the lady something crazy was going on outside my house - like a fight maybe. She asked what part of Sires and when I told her she said there was a fire at 21 Sires. I grabbed my dog, put on some clothes - no shoes - and then heard banging on my door - it's my friend yelling "fire!" I actually couldn't find my keys at first to open the door, so my friend ran upstairs to get his - by the time he got back I found mine and we both ran out. It was like daylight outside. And even in my house it was bright. Just bright orange everywhere. And hot. So hot. My friend said his entire bedroom was just lit up. We ran outside and watched as the biggest fire I've ever seen totally engulfed the blue house across the street - or really diagonally across the street. The house next to it then caught fire - the one directly across from us. People were screaming - when we ran out of our house we saw people running out of the burning house. A bunch of college kids. Some of them were lying in the street crying. Then the fire trucks showed up and it was pretty much mayhem. Tons of trucks and firemen. Hoses stretched down the street. Firemen breaking out windows. People still crying. Neighbors all out of their houses. Live 5 news. Ambulances. Cops.

Only three kids were truly injured - and only one was burned - amazingly. One of them broke a leg jumping out of a window.

At 5am they let us back into our house. I showered b/c I think I walked in someone's blood in the street and I smelled like smoke - and now am heading back to bed. There are still firemen all on the street. All of Sires was taped off. Spring Street was blocked off and news people were around. My landlord gave an interview. I initially thought the fire was started by a cigarette outside of the house. Anyway, it was probably the most frightening thing I've ever seen - the screaming was probably the worst thing. The fire was so huge - just raging. The house is gutted now. And it burned in like 5 minutes tops - the majority of the house. All I really learned is you better have a fire detector that works because you pretty much have no time to get out. Seriously, it is crazy how intense a house fire is. I highly recommend you getting smoke detectors for your house - today. The house directly across the street was doused with water and was saved - with the exception of everything inside the place, which is now soaked in water, and the upstairs which was burned. Anyway, that was my night.

We learned some more about the fire today. Hopefully, I'll have some pictures of the house - or what remains of it - to upload. So, apparently, they think the fire was arson. Someone lit a couch on fire on the front porch of the house while everyone was sleeping.

I will say the firemen were quite impressive. They were asking repeatedly if anyone was left in the house - and they were ready to go in. And they were very organized. Fortunately, everyone managed to get out.

Coverage: Scroll down for a picture of the house after the fire was put out.

A possible arsonist?