What I hate most about fantasy sites is not how they go out on limbs and tell you to start, oh, say, Tom Brady against the Lions. Or maybe Joseph Addai against the Saints. Yeah, we can figure that out on our own. Although, starting Brady this year is unfortunately a bad decision. I still can't believe he's out for the year. Yep, even though starting Westbrook at the Jets ain't a bad play, we can't forget there are no guarantees in fantasy. And that's why they play the game. Oh my God! I think I just coined a new phrase. Whatever. So, anyway, I'm gwine try to forecast some fantasy predictions every Friday-ish here at Keller's Kards. Why? Because that's what Jesus would do. Oh my God! I think I just coined a new phrase.

As for my teams, as someone who bought into the Jason Campbell hype (for two of my teams), I am concerned. This is starting to look a lot like the Alex Smith show of last year. Granted, it's only one game and I never freak out after the first week, but I will give the dude two more games before I really consider cutting him. And you don't need me to tell you the Raiders suck more ass than Charlie Weis. Wait. (That somehow would have made more sense if the expression had something to do with hotdogs. Or riding coattails.) Can you believe the Raiders went to the Super Bowl six years ago? And can you believe Vince Young was on the cover of Madden two years ago? And that's why they play the game.

But before I get into fantasy, I'd like to vent a bit about the RNC, the DNC and politics in general. Nothing is more frustrating than watching a smiling candidate promise you he (or she this year) is going to shake things up and set in motion all kinds of change in our stubborn nation's capital. We hear it every four years. And more if we tune into state races. And every year, if there is change at all, it seems it's for the worse. Hmm. Maybe the past eight years have clouded my memory. But more often than not there is no change. Just a bunch of talking. Christ, McCain has been in DC for a couple of decades and yet he's still promising some sort of change. Change we need because we're all so sick and tired of do-nothing politicians. What the fuck? Are you serious? You're criticizing yourself. Wait. No you're not. You're a war veteran. And a former POW. I forgot what you were saying. USA! USA! USA! I think a good idea would be to elect every former POW to a governmental position. That's all it takes, right? Now if you can find me a black POW - or better yet a black female POW - then we're in business. My favorite part of the RNC was when the cameras panned out to the crowd and some slap-happy old white man was swaying to Heart and waving a "mavrick" sign. That's right. No "E." Either the sign was a show of the guy's maverick ways or was the best spelling in politics since potatoe. I could say the same things about the DNC. A bunch of words. A bunch of clapping to 70s classics. Come to think of it, why is it that every four years they play the same old classic rock and R&B? Remember Fleetwood Mac? I thought this year was all about change. After watching the Palin interview with Charles Gibson, I know without a doubt it's about nothing more than the lowest common denominator - once again. That lady didn't answer one of Gibson's questions. I think the media has actually been too kind to her since the interview. She was terrible. Just pathetic. "You know, Charlie, what we need to do, Charlie, is look out our window and see the changing world and know, Charlie, how much we need change, Charlie. Not the same old politics as usual, Charlie. No more earmarks, Charlie. By the way, Charlie, that's Russia right over there! I know it like the back of my hand. And, oh yeah, I think Obama is definitely regretting not choosing Clinton as his VP - especially now. I mean, I've got a vagina. Biden? No vagina. No vagina, Charlie."

Because the race is unbelievably close, the pundits were predicting the election would come down the debates. Here's a prediction: If you tune into Fox after the debates, the GOP will have won the debates handily. If you tune into CNN afterwards, they'll tell you the Dems took care of business. It's a shame. Unless you're making over 600k a year, your financial life will likely be better off with those tax-crazed Democrats. I know. It doesn't make sense, does it? And if you haven't figured out that those evil terrorists don't care who's in office, well then, Charlie, keep your eyes on that spit of land over there; it's the Ruskies and they're up to no good.

Okay, so my surefire picks:

People are slurping McNabb after his week one assault. Well, I say if you've got someone with a better matchup, sit McNabb. I'm going to. I'm sitting him in favor of Rivers. Sure, it could come back to haunt me, but McNabb has little to throw to and the Cowboys have a pretty solid D. Not to mention, Rivers has Gates. With Bailey and Bly roaming the secondary, Gates should have a big game. I don't trust LJ Smith as much. And I imagine the Cowboys will focus in on Westbrook. Plus, the Eagles had their success against the Lambs. That doesn't tell us anything. I'm sitting McNabb.

And a word about your first-round picks: unless you are very deep at one position, start them every week unless they're injured. Could I have qualified that anymore, Charlie?


Quarterbacks . . .

Drew Brees - 3TDs, INT, 315yds - I don't care that Colston is out. The dude will throw for 300 yards. He'll have to.

Aaron Rodgers - 3TDs, INT, 294yds - Throwing against Detroit? I'd start Kyle Orton here.

Jon Kitna - 2TDs, 2INTs, 242yds - Yeah, Green Bay has a good defense. But the Lions have no defense, which means they'll be playing from behind, and they have freaks for WRs.

Eli Manning - 3TDs, INT, 286yds - The Lambs.

Jake Delhomme - 2TDs, INT, 243yds - Not a bad play this week, even against the Bears.

Running Backs . . .

Earnest Graham - 121yds, TD - They ain't got much else, and they're facing the Falcons.

Reggie Bush - 81yds Rushing, 89yds Receiving, TD - Unless he gets hurt, he'll have a big year. I tried to get him in the 3rd round in all my drafts. I don't have him on ant of my teams.

Willie Parker - 111yds, 2TDs - Browns stink. Willie don't.

Chris Johnson - 117yds, TD - LenDale is fat. The Bengals suck. The Titans like to run.

Michael Turner - 94yds, TD - Won't be balls-deep like last week, and I imagine the Bucs will try to make Matt "$70 Mil" Ryan beat them, but he should score.

Ryan Grant - 126yds, 2TDs - Oh, Detroit. When will you ever learn? Yep, I've got Green Bay putting up 35 points.

Justin Fargas - 91yds, TD - He may split carries with McFadden, but he's about the only thing worth a start for Oakland - depending on the matchup. This week it's the Cards.

Ricky Williams - 83yds, TD - You could start worse. See below.

Wide Receivers . . .

Plaxico Burress - 147yds, 2TDs - He should have a monster game.

Marvin Harrison - 83yds, TD - He's a great #2 WR until further notice.

Roddy White - 112yds, TD - They'll have to throw (see above) and he should benefit.

Patrick Crayton - 79yds, TD - The Eagles will try to stop TO, which should leave Crayton open a few times.

Santonio Holmes - 108yds, TD - The Browns can't stop anybody, and I think Ward's big week last week was an anomaly. That's not to say he won't have a good year, only that Holmes should outplay him this year.

Hank Baskett - 437yds, 8TDs - He puts the football in the basket. I could be way wrong here, though.

Tight Ends . . .

Jason Witten - 97yds, TD - Best TE start of the week, thanks to Romo and the Eagles DBs.

Antonio Gates - 93yds, TD - Broncos DBs will open it up for Gates.

Chris Cooley - 71yds, TD - Yeah, terrible start last week, but if he can't do it against the Saints, it's going to be a long year.

Dante Rosario - 74yds, TD - If healthy, he's a top-5 TE this week.

Jeremy Shockey - 83yds, TD - Colston's situation helps him immensely.

Vernon Davis - 72yds, TD - J.T. like him, and he's athletic.

DST . . .

Top 5 for the week:
Panthers - Moving Peppers was a good idea.
Colts - Jackson cannot throw. Plus, they lost last week.
Bears - They'll get a couple of turnovers.
Patriots - They should have some incentive to prove everyone wrong about their season.
Steelers - Cleveland looks horrible.

Kickers . . .

Fuck kickers.


In no particular order, these are guys I would sit, who I normally wouldn't sit, if I had better options. In other words, these folks are overvalued. That doesn't mean, though, that you start Ted Ginn, Jr. over Chad Whatever:

Joseph Addai - I know, I said never sit your first-rounders. But you might have RB depth. I don't know. I'm not in your goddamn league.

Braylon Edwards - Doesn't seem like himself. Plus, the Steelers have a good D. Still, unless you have two other great WR options, I'd consider leaving him in.

Steven Jackson - Long year? Probably.

Derek Anderson - I hope I'm wrong here, but the Steelers look good and the Browns look like Poo.

Maurice Jones-Drew - His offensive line is basically The Replacements without the holdout.

Laurence Maroney - No telling who will get the carries for Hoodie.

Chad Johnson - Ocho Stinko until further notice. Yeah, he still might get a TD, though.

Torry Holt - He's what everyone was saying Marvin Harrison would be this year.

Dallas Clark - He might not even play. There are at least eight better TEs this week.

Jags DST - I think they'll be on the field too much this week. They're not bad. Just too little offense means too few breathers.