Yeah, we've all been to CBS Sportsline to read what Mr. Roto or whoever is spewing on and on about. This week it's all about how sweet Julius Jones is and how not sweet the Bengals are. Great. I'll pick Julius Jones up tomorrow. And I'll drop T.J. Houshmanchampionship.

Everyone is lubing up for Matt Cassel already. I say wait it out another week. Sure, he might toss a couple of TDs. In fact, I bet he will, but Bill Parcels won't lose by 21 points. There are more than 8 QBs who are a safer play than Matt Cassel.

Last week, I was right about a fair amount of my predictions. And wrong about a fair amount, too. Ricky Williams? Great game last week. My biggest mistake, though, was banking on Vernon Davis and Jeremey Shockey. What had happened was. Right. Anyway, you can't win them all. And that's why they play the game. It is what it is. Am I right or am I right? So without further Apu, my predictions for the forthcoming week. Again, I am not going to state too many obvious starts. Just a few:


Quarterbacks . . .

Tony Romo - 311yds, 3TDs, INT - Owens and Witten make him a safe play every week.

Aaron Rodgers - 287yds, 2TDs, INT - McNabb was okay against them. He should be better. By the way, you know Brett has him in his fantasy league and just benches him every week out of spite.

J.T. O'Sullivan - 292yds, 2TD, INT - Is he a quarterback? Check. Playing Detroit at home? Check.

Jon Kitna - 275yds, 3TDS, 2INT - At San Francisco? Playing from behind - again? Sign me up.

Jason Campbell - 262yds, 2TDs, INT - Don't be scared off just yet. This might be his game even though everyone is taking Arizona to The Olive Garden and shit.

Phillip Rivers - 273yds, 3TDs, INT - LaDanian is hurting. Rivers is feeling good.

Matt Hasselbeck - 286yds, 2TD, INT - You can do it, Matt! It's The Lambs.

Tavaris Jackson - 3snickers, 2cokes, 1stripclub, 3INT - Somehow, he'll still manage to throw a few picks.

Other thoughts:

Eli Manning is a better play than Drew Brees. Delhomme might have a better game than McNabb. Trent Edwards isn't a terrible play. I bet he has better stats than Favre.

Running Backs . . .

Marion Barber - 114yds Rushing, 41yds Receiving, 2TDs - Wish I had drafted him.

Frank Gore - 121yds Rushing, 53yds Receiving, TD - He should implode. I mean explode.

Chris Johnson - 108yds, TD - I'm starting him every week until he's injured. Or sucks for three weeks in a row.

Michael Turner - 123yds, TD - He did have a down week last week, which I predicted sorta, but he's got the Chefs this week.

Willis McGahee - 102yds, TD - The Browns? And his QB blows? Hand that man the ball.

Selvin Young - 74yds, TD - Risky play, but worth it against the Saints.

Michael Bush - 84yds, TD - If McFadden is out, add 20 yards to that total.

Joseph Addai - 68yds Rushing, 47yds Receiving, 2TDs - Everyone is saying it won't happen, which is why it will.

Reggie Bush - 68yds Rushing, 76yds Receiving, TD - Like I said, all year long. Until he's hurt. Brees loves that screen pass. And he apparently doesn't love Shockey as much as I had predicted last week. Plus, Denver has solid DBs.

Other thoughts:
Johnathon Stewart will score another TD - even against The Vikings. Jones-Drew will not blow up like everyone thinks he will this week. Still, I'd start him if he ain't injured; he'll score. Every time I think Westbrook will be stopped by a great D, he scores like 9 TDs. I'll give him 2 short runs at home. Kevin Smith is worth a start this week if you've got a flex position open.

Wide Receivers . . .

Calvin Johnson - 102yds, TD - The dude is a beast. He looks like a character I created on Madden and then didn't tell anyone else I created. And then they'd get all pissed when they saw this behemoth line up across from them. But I'd convince them it was just a glitch. And then they'd get really pissed when the graphics would come up after the behemoth scored: "Touchdown Black Anus!"

Wes Welker - 87yds, TD - Matt Cassel should buy (or give) this guy a blowjob or something before the season is over.

Eddie Royal - 93yds, TD - And that's with about 8 receptions.

David Patten - 74yds, TD - Who else besides Bush?

Issac Bruce - 88yds, TD - I thought he was dead. But like my dad said when I told him I was too old for him to be giving me suppositories, "That's what you get for thinking."

Vincent Jackson - 79yds, TD - He should get about 6 catches - he's targeted about as much as Chambers, as far as I can tell.

Greg Jennings - 112yds, TD - Great mid-round pickup thanks to Rodgers.

Hank Baskett - 347yds, 7TDs - WWJD?

Other thoughts:
I still think Marvin has it. I still think Matt Jones uses cocaine. What else can explain his concentration level in catching all them pigskins? I still think Holmes will outplay Ward this year - and I'll keep saying that until week 16, at which point, if my prediction has not been proven correct, I'll just say, "I meant the other way around." Also, I bet Gus airs it out a few times to Berrian to silence the critics. That's not saying he'll catch them, though.

Tight Ends . . .

Jason Witten - 89yds, TD - Balls.

John Carlson - 78yds, TD - Bandwagon? On it.

Todd Heap - 67yds, TD - If not Willis, then Todd. Still, risky considering the QB.

Dallas Clark - 81yds, TD - If he plays, he plays well.

Owen Daniels - 52yds, TD - Whoever the hell is throwing the ball for Houston won't have much time to get rid of it. Enter: TE.

DST . . .

Patriots - My number one DST for the week. Even minus the ST. Wait, I mean number thirty-one. What the fuuug is up with that game?
Panthers - Don't sleep on these guys. New QB. Gimpy RB. Not a bad play. No one else seems to think so.
Titans - Houston? They have a problem.
Bills - Oakland Blackouts.
Colts - Don't be afraid to start them this week. The Jaguars O-Line is MIA.
Ravens - I'm a bit scared here for some reason, even though I don't have much faith in Derek and his entire offense. Still, I say play them.

Kickers . . .

Fist kickers.


Again, these are guys I'd sit, who I might not normally sit, if I have better options. Don't feel bad about sitting them, in other words. Their names ain't gonna get you points.

Derek Anderson - Not a terrible start, but a pretty good shart.

Brett Favre - Gunslinging will cost him a TD or two.

Marc Bulger - Whoooaaa!

Donovan McNabb - Steelers will clamp down on his Chunky-Soup ass.

Steven Jackson - Almost as bad a first-round pick as Tom Brady.

Thomas Jones - I thought about keeping him off this list, but The Chargers are pissed.

Jamal Lewis - If he gets a TD, he gets that TD from the 1.

Lawrence Maroney - I'd sure hate to have Steven Jackson and Lawrence Maroney as my backfield.

Matt Forte - The Bucs gotagoot defense. See: last week.

Torry Holt - Yeah, he had a great catch. A. A. A Great catch.

Steve Smith - He'll score - maybe. But this is not his breakout game. I just don;t see it. I'd give him one week to get up to speed.

Braylon Edwards - See: Steve Smith. The dude is just now getting his shit together. He'll be fine after this week. Still, you have to start him unless you've got Eddie Royal or Roy Williams stashed away.

DeSean Jackson - I bet The Steelers hit him hard. Real hard.

Cowboys DST - Did you watch Monday night?

Other Thoughts:
Clinton Portis is not a top-ten RB this week. The NE-MIA game might be low-scoring. It sucks for Slaton that his first start is against The Titans. Christ, they made a movie about those guys! They must be good.

Labels: fantasy, football, stats