Exams took their toll on Keller's Kards. Funniness and timeliness were obvious casualties. Sexiness was also a casualty, though a bit less apparent to you folks at home. Regardless, I'm not dead yet again. Unfortunately. Why 'unfortunately'? One word: the motherfuckin' news, man. All I've been getting since awakening from my quasi-exam-stupor, is gay-ass news. Another troubled teen giving me another reason not to go to the mall - or to church. Another presidential hopeful giving me another reason not to go to the polls. Another group of scientists giving me another reason to not own a glow-in-the-dark cat. And another ESPN special-breaking-news-all-day-conference giving me another reason to watch What's Happenin' reruns.

If you were to believe everything you see and hear on ESPN, you'd think the twin towers just collapsed. Steroids in baseball? Oh my fuggin' God! Is 'so and so' still a Hall-of-Famer? Let's discuss it ad nauseam. This. Shit. Sucks. I really just want to watch some games. Too bad I can't do that because of this other thing that really sucks: The NFL Network. Great. I'm finally compelled to watch a bunch of overpaid caricatures, thanks to Fantasy Football, and the rug is just yanked out from underneath me. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you've probably got great tits. What the fuss is over is the NFL's essential blackout of some of their games; we're now forced to pay for something called 'The NFL Network' to watch good ole American football. How about some antitrust lawsuit or something? If this isn't a monopoly - and a blatant exploitation of it - I don't know what is. Actually, I've heard a few rumblings that may suggest just such a suit is in the works.


In other law-related news: warning labels for retards.

Let's see. What else? Oh, I recently had my ten-year reunion at The University of the South aka Sewanee. So that school is totally heading in the wrong direction. When I started back in the fall of '93, US News ranked the school somewhere in or near the top 15 of all national Liberal Arts Colleges and Universities. Sewanee hovered around that number for a couple of years, but ever since has been plummeting toward Charleston Southern. I'm so glad my education is not even keeping up with inflation. My diploma has been devalued, and I think the administration - and the new marketing team it hired - is a big reason for it. Marketing gurus are generally idiots* collecting bad information and disseminating worse information. That's the case when it comes to re-branding a school steeped in as much tradition and history as Sewanee. I know! Let's change the name so people don't think the school condones lynching. And let's ban kegs and kick fraternities off campus so our students will study more. Or just drink and drive more. Whatever looks good on paper, Dean Wormer.

*Some marketing gurus are actually gurus. They are few and far between. And worth the money.

As for the reunion itself, it was an overwhelming success. Apparently, all it takes to convince people you're a doctor and a lawyer and a veterinarian is a half dozen initials after your name. Yes, it's been a busy ten years for me, but it's been worth it. I also informed my alma mater that I had included them in my will, so I'm now part of some club with a really cool-sounding, archaic name. Little do they know, though, when I die I plan to die intestate. It's all in my will. Oh. Wait.

So what have I really been doing? Clearly, I haven't been studying. Everyone knows that. Surprisingly, I haven't been bowling since Thanksgiving. All I've really been doing is working on a few websites, eating a few Juan Elways at Moe's Crosstown and shotgunning a few Natty Lights. Oh, I did see Into the Wild. Recommend that one. Going to No Country tonight. I've heard nothing but praise for it. Haven't met a Coen Brothers film I haven't enjoyed, so I imagine I'll be blogging my praise, too. But sometime in spring, no doubt.