Remember that Tammy Wynette commercial that SNL did a while back? Funny stuff. Anyway, I, too, am not dead. I've been on a slow tour of the Southeast. Specifically, Nashville, Highlands, Greenville and some lame beach called DeBordieu. Actually, I liked that beach. Anyway, since I've been gone a lot has happened. But the biggest story has to be (no, not T Rav's MySpace account being shut down) the Vick drama.

Here's what I hate about it:

1. It is not a race issue. You know what a race issue is? Some black guys dragging a white trucker out of his cab and beating him within inches of his life. I also would have accepted that Southern pasttime known as lynching. I also would have taken anything having to with Denny's. It's an ignorance issue. If you think dogs should be raised to fight each other in a pit, you are retarded. You can be a black retard or you can be a white retard. It doesn't matter what color your skin happens to be. The only thing that matters is that, in the grand scheme of things, you don't. You are a nobody, with nothing, going nowhere.

2. Claiming that it's a cultural issue - and excusing it for that reason - is akin to claiming white supremacy is a cultural issue and therefore acceptable. I mean, Cletus was raised that way so we can forgive him of his differences and let him live his life in peace, right? He hates minorities because Daddy taught him real good like. We just don't understand his background. Actually, retards, the only thing to understand is that Cletus is wrong; Cletus is a dumbass.

3. $130 million well spent. Yep, I'm glad we turn thugs into overnight idols. Seriously, $130 mil and this guy still throws down on some good ole dog fightin'. I'm just waiting for MTV Cribs to profile his Virgnia pad. "Over here we got some dog carcasses. I paid mad cash for these chain collars here. And that's actually not my pool, but my drownin' tank. Oh yeeeeah."

4. This case is different from the Duke Lacrosse case in this way: it's not one person crying wolf. And there is actual evidence. Sure, it's not directly linked to Vick at this point, but a. Logic would suggest that Vick's friends did not have the money to run such a large-scale operation without Vick's help and b. The evidence was pulled from Vick's house and c. The name of the "kennel" is named after Vick's hometown (or at least what Vick referred to his hometown as). If the investigators go on 60 Minutes and tell us that the dead dogs and dog-fighting paraphernalia were planted or part of some elaborate movie set, then I'll believe Vick is innocent. That isn't likely to happen.

5. Marcus Vick.

6. Vick was only occassionally good for his fantasy team and rarely good for his real team.

7. Dogs rule.

Geting a few practice bowls in at the Charleston Rifle Club before the charitable party began and before I broke my index finger.

As you both know, I'm starting law school this August. I've had a lot of people tell me that it's a terrible idea. They've likened it to ESPN's Who's Now tourney. Well, to them I say, "I love terrible ideas. In fact, just yesterday I ate at Sweetwater Cafe!"

Anyway, here's further proof that I'm not the only one willing to pay dearly for a cool-to-tool transformation.

Also, if you can, avoid Sweetwater Cafe at all costs. Unless you want to wait two hours for a meal that you could make at home. Drunk. With a George Foreman grill.

Speaking of electric grills, has anyone out there seen the Cuisinart ads they keep running in Dwell? Two words: What the fuck are they smoking?

Picture three gay dudes hanging out in a small kitchen with two Anthropologie models. Here's the copy:

When the burgers and 'ritas are as good as the gossip!

She did what? He didn't! Sometimes, the greatest dish isn't the gossip. Invite Cuisinart into your kitchen (or what you're calling your kitchen) and discover how easy it is to make great stuff for friends. Get the secrets over smoothies; tidbits over Thai-burgers and get the 411 over frozen margaritas. Let your Cuisinart Griddler and Blender get into the mix, and see how gossip can leave a great taste in your mouth.

No they didn't! Use an exclamation point in the headline! No they didn't! Assume the same guy flipping through a magazine that pushes $7000 sofas and a $60,000 bed still uses a compact cube fridge with a faux-wood finish to keep his Beast Lite cold. Here's the 411: Worst copy ever!

Me, of course. The better question is Who's More Now?

ESPN or MTV?

It's a toss-up, thanks to ESPN reaching a level of stupidity with their "original segments" once thought to only be reachable through inbreeding. Playamakers? Oh, that was a gem. Thank God for DVDs. And the oversized magazine? Nice move. Now I have something with which to pad the middle of my Creativity stack. Nothing gets the Urban Outfitters crowd wetter than a tower of sensitive, artistic awesomeness. Yeah, oddly shaped, unwieldy publications are pretty darn creative. It's like making a square hamburger patty. Only without a bun to hold it. Genius! Truthfully, I would have gone smaller. Like Reader's Digest small. Talk about thinking outside of the bun!

So if you've missed the recent tournament of athletes on ESPN, you've missed a crazy showdown in the Billie Jean King bracket: Jeff Gordon ran over Barry Bonds with the 24. Then backed over him. Again and again. Then Reggie Bush was like, "I'm so now! Show me the money!" and then the bracket was busted by Dancia Patrick. And then everything went to a black screen. And then Stuart Scott said "dog". And then the people said, "and also with you."

ESPN, please let your testicles descend. Your Vagina Dialogues cannot end soon enough. Til then, I'm starting my own brackets. I'm calling it Who's Trying So Hard To Strengthen Their Brand That They're Actually Ass-Raping Their Brand?

I think my Alma Mater, The University of the South (Sewanee), might make a decent run. And Vitamin Water should fare fairly well. But, trust, no one can hang with the rad dogs over at ESPN.