Firewall, starring Harrison Ford, is currently airing on HBO. I had the good fortune of catching this spectacular movie on Friday night.

Harrison Ford is the high-powered head of security for a national bank. He's loaded and has this awesome house and semi-hot wife played by that annoying bitch in Sideways. He also has two kids and a Chrysler 300M. Harrison Ford gets into a little bit of trouble when some foreign guy, played by Jennifer Connelly's husband, and his lackeys use him to break into a bank - the very bank he works for!! Harrison Ford is allowed to go into work while his family is being held hostage, but he can't really say anything to anyone because the crooks are monitoring him. Harrison Ford is totally pissed about the predicament. His brow is furrowed often.

Harrison Ford tries to outsmart the crooks, but is not succesful early on. I really thought he'd send that email through and the movie would end right then and there, but it didn't happen like that. The crooks had access to his email and when he was typing an SOS, the crooks intercepted it and delelted it, and then warned Harrison Ford that those kinds of shenanigans would not be tolerated. Totally didn't see that one coming.

Harrison Ford then had to fire his assistant because Jennifer Connelly's husband didn't like the way she looked. Harrison Ford pulled this off deftly. The crooks then got mad at Harrison Ford for plotting an escape with his family.

At this point, I turned the channel to watch a rerun of Nigella Bites. Nigella was not being held hostage, as far as I could tell, so I turned the channel back to Firewall.

When I rejoined Harrison Ford, he was driving like a madman out to some country house with the assistant he had earlier fired. I thought I'd see a sex scene, but it didn't happen like that. Instead, Harrison Ford drove the car into a shed and a huge explosion exploded.

At this point, I went to the kitchen to get a beer and make some cookies. I was not being held hostage, so I returned to the TV room to see what Harrison Ford was up to.

You know what he was up to? I'll give you one guess and it better rhyme with kicking the crooks' asses.

Spoiler Alert!!

Harrison Ford then kicked the crooks' asses and saved his family from death. He also jumped like he does in Patriot Games and The Fugitive and Air Force One - you know, both hands up in the air like he's reaching for monkey bars, and one knee raised toward his chest - to avoid danger.

Roll Credits . . .

Harrison Ford - Head of Security for a National Bank
Annoying Bitch from Sideways - Harrison Ford's wife
Jennifer Connelly's Husband - Crook #1

Okay Times To Cry:

When Old Yeller dies.

When someone calls you to tell you they're pregnant and they "expect you to do something about it".

The last week of American Idol, if you are the winning contestant, or have, like the sobbing losing contestant (whose crying is not acceptable), an estranged relationship with your father.

While watching Jeopardy!

The episode of Friends where Rachel looks into the cafe at Ross and that awesome U2 song is playing over my tears.

When you find out it's not just a bunch of mosquito bites.

When the vending machine takes your quarters.

When you drop your ice cream cone.

If you're eating at Denny's.

When it rains.

When you get a pimple.

If you go blind like Laura's sister, Mary, in Little House on the Prairie, and you're shipped off to school in Iowa.

If you go blind like a Bangkok whore and you're left with a big mess to clean up.

When you masturbate.

Mondays.

Sundays.

Wednesdays.

Januarys.

When Goose Dies in Top Gun.

While listening to Jewel.

If you find yourself caught in the middle of a war you have nothing to do with, but you're going to be beheaded anyway.

If you find yourself caught between the moon and New York City.

Not Okay Times To Cry:

At your audition for American Idol.

While reading a Mitch Albom "book".

While you're being molested by that tall guy next door.

While watching the Hallmark Movie of the Week, unless you are being forced to watch the Hallmark Movie of the Week, and that is, in fact, why you're crying. But don't disguise those tears behind that loophole. You'll be found out sooner or later.

When that kid in My Girl gets stung to death by a bunch of bees.

During any ESPN piece that's narrated by Jeremy Schaap, unless you get that call about someone being pregnant and wanting you to do something about it during the piece, in which case, cry away.

I recently went a bird shootin' in south Alabama and have the bruise on my shoulder to prove it. Not to mention, that condom in my stool. I shoot stuff and stuff about once a year. I do it because the bird population needs thinning out. Especially the pen-raised bird population. I think we murdered something like 140 birds. They didn't stand a chance, what with their flapping wings and all and us with our double barrel shotguns. The only problem is that occasionally you bite into a bird and get a little shot in your mouth. It hurts. Luckily, another genius - not the one who created the Daytona 500 fragrance - has invented this: Bam! Now we can shoot the birds and bite into them right after they fall to the ground. Now we can use our pouches to store bread, mashed potatoes and other picnic essentials instead of dead birds. In other words, I can't wait for next year.

As part of my resolutions, I have been participating in a group therapy of sorts. We discuss Injuns and learn to live with - and not throw things at - Injuns. I have learned that Injuns are a kind and generous people. Though they might drink like the Irish and gamble like the disenfranchised, they are generally thoughtful souls with much to teach. What I have learned in just two sessions so far:

Let he who is without sin cast the first tomahawk.

Cigars make great gift for Injun.

When we smoka the peace pipe we better understanda the Injun way.

White Man is no better than three Red Mans combined.

When the chips are down, the Injun is nearby.

Thanksgiving is our gift to Injuns.

My baby she's a Chippewa.

Go Braves.

The Trail of Tears wouldn't have been so tearful had Injuns been provided with non-Injun footwear.

Though none of them filed taxes for it, Dances With Wolves employed over 200 Injuns.

If a tree falls in the woods, an Injun probably had something to do with it.

Injun names make for great SUV names.

Injuns can be trusted so long as you have it in writing and have someone follow the Injun to make sure he can be trusted.

Injuns invariably double down.

Injuns are careful with your bags.

Injuns claim to be resourceful, but an Injun would have 100 acres and use only one acre, whereas the the White Man would use all 100 acres for things ranging from a Wal-Mart to a McDonald's, thereby wasting no acres.

And talk about generous! Columbus met Injuns and Injuns decided to rape themselves and decimate their own population to give Columbus more room to roam!

1. Lose 5 pounds. Then gain it back. Then lose it. Then gain it back. Then lose it. Then gain 10 pounds. Then lose 5 and call it a day.

2. Buy some books to go along with the other books I've bought over the years. Think about joining a book club. Think better of joining a book club.

3. Have some gym draft $60/month out of my bank account.

4. Substitute ground turkey for ground beef up until around the end of February when Publix has a sale on ground beef, at which point institute a ban on ground turkey after rediscovering the sweet, sweet taste of ground beef.

5. Date less. Rape more.

6. Stack up a bunch of aluminum cans and glass bottles outside my laundry room where they'll collect dust, bugs and a lovely odor come spring. Then throw them away after a fruitless 2-minute search for a recycling bin.

7. Feign interest when told of someone's novel they've been working on. Actually, feign interest generally.

8. Drink less often for a week or two, but don't count bowl games or cocktail parties or visits from friends. Forget about this resolution with the first sign of spring.

9. Spend more time with my neighbor's kids. The girl is growing up rather nicley and the boy has a good arm. The folks are rarely at home . . . and the kids sure do seem hungry for wisdom. The girl is growing up rather nicely.

10. Try to connect with God in situations other than turbulent plane flights and massive hangovers. Watching old George Burns movies counts.

11. Try to make less money this year than last. Even if it means owing money at the end of the year. It's always real cool to see parantheses around dollar amounts when it comes to your personal finances.

12. More TV.

13. Promise more. Deliver less.

14. Talk about learning an instrument. By summer, though, just talk about how other people suck at their instruments.

15. Buy some cds to learn a second language. Trade in said cds two weeks later for The Very Best of Badfinger.

16. Volunteer to volunteer more, but never really volunteer.

17. Be more tolerant of Native Americans.