Me, of course. The better question is Who's More Now?

ESPN or MTV?

It's a toss-up, thanks to ESPN reaching a level of stupidity with their "original segments" once thought to only be reachable through inbreeding. Playamakers? Oh, that was a gem. Thank God for DVDs. And the oversized magazine? Nice move. Now I have something with which to pad the middle of my Creativity stack. Nothing gets the Urban Outfitters crowd wetter than a tower of sensitive, artistic awesomeness. Yeah, oddly shaped, unwieldy publications are pretty darn creative. It's like making a square hamburger patty. Only without a bun to hold it. Genius! Truthfully, I would have gone smaller. Like Reader's Digest small. Talk about thinking outside of the bun!

So if you've missed the recent tournament of athletes on ESPN, you've missed a crazy showdown in the Billie Jean King bracket: Jeff Gordon ran over Barry Bonds with the 24. Then backed over him. Again and again. Then Reggie Bush was like, "I'm so now! Show me the money!" and then the bracket was busted by Dancia Patrick. And then everything went to a black screen. And then Stuart Scott said "dog". And then the people said, "and also with you."

ESPN, please let your testicles descend. Your Vagina Dialogues cannot end soon enough. Til then, I'm starting my own brackets. I'm calling it Who's Trying So Hard To Strengthen Their Brand That They're Actually Ass-Raping Their Brand?

I think my Alma Mater, The University of the South (Sewanee), might make a decent run. And Vitamin Water should fare fairly well. But, trust, no one can hang with the rad dogs over at ESPN.