My one problem with my greeting card company is that I constantly come down with a case of writer's block. I just can't seen to find anything to write about. Fortunately, my prayers were answered when I received this email today:

Hi! My name is Sally W. (name changed to protect the innocent) and I am a freelance greeting card writer. I would love to submit greetings for your company. To give you a short bio, I've had greetings accepted by Graphique de France, Peaceable Kingdom Press, Yippie Cards, Chuckleberry's, Gallant Greetings, etc.

Below are five greetings I'm submitting for your consideration.

If you have writer's guidelines and/or a needs list, I'd really appreciate receiving them. Many thanks and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best, Sally (W.)

l. B-628-1 Birthday

Art: Picture of a jazzy lady with a lot of outfits.
O) Thanks much for letting me borrow your outfits...
I) ... I feel very clothes to you!
Happy Birthday!

2. B-628-2 Birthday

O) Don't worry that your kids gave you a hard time giving birth to them.
I) ... It won't happen again!
Happy Birthday!

3. B-628-3 Birthday

Art: Picture of an impish character wearing a hula skirt.
O) If you live in Hawaii...
I) ... you'll always get a lei!
Happy Birthday!

4. B-628-4 Birthday

Art: Two women talking.
O) Remember, there's nothing wrong with having another birthday...
I) ... as long as you're dating two hunky twenty-year-olds!
Happy Birthday!

5. B-628-5

Art: Woman with a somewhat big tush.
O) The trouble with resting on one's laurels is...
I) ... the more we rest on them the bigger they get!
Happy Birthday!

Not only did Sally W. give me some much-needed birthday greetings (they do account for around 70% of all card sales), but she nudged me out of my writer's funk. Here are some of my new ones . . . which I'll include with hers . . . kinda goes without saying:

1. B-789-0 Birthday

Art: Man with large testicles hanging from a flagpole.
O) Check out my large testicles . . .
I) . . . You can have them since it's your birthday!

2. B-054-9 Anniversary

Art: Dog licking a cat's vagina.
0) There's only one thing you need to do on your birthday . . .
I) . . . Buy a timeshare in Myrtle Beach, you jazzy hag!

3. B-231-6 Funeral

Art: Motorcycle burning in a lava pit.
0) I feel like it's your birthday again . . .
I) Guess we should take that trip we always talked about, you filthy whore!

4. B-752-3 Jew Holiday (for Yonteff)

Art: Astronaut swimming in the Arctic Ocean with otters.
0) How about calling your birthday off?
I) Better yet, how about calling me "daddy" and letting me "rape" your "ear" "holes"?

5. B-912-8 Wedding

Art: Country bumpkin playing the fiddle while children are singing along in overalls and bowler hats.
0) You say it's your birthday . . .
I) That must be why I'm going to present you with a bag of diarrhea on your birthday. Happy birthday!