I've got my first date in years! Okay, so that's not true. But I am all about hot Christian women. If you didn't click on that link, you should. This self-described "hot Bible-beater" seeks out hunky men to date in order to convert them into God-fearing Christians. She also seems to break their hearts - callously. Loves 'em and leaves 'em. It's brilliant, really. But what if you want to convert people to Satanism? Or just atheism? Someone needs to create that site. Lord knows I'm already living it. Three of my past girlfriends no longer believe there's a God. Yep, I'm a great boyfriend. A joy. Anyway, at first I was thinking "Date to Enslave". But it just doesn't have that ring to it, you know? So I settled on "Rape to Save". It doesn't just make for a great t-shirt, it makes for a great scene outside of Longhorn Steakhouse.

Now, I wouldn't need a mission or vulnerable prey if I had skills like this McDreamy. Check out tip #3: On an airplane, ask to borrow a pen. If you're feeling really courageous, once you've got her pen, shake her hand and say very seriously, "Nice to meet you, I'm ranked #2 among America's Most Wanted Pen Thieves. Ever seen it?" Sure it's kinda cheesy, but it's also the kind of off-the-wall thing women love. It also works really well at the bank. Just yesterday when I asked to borrow a pen from the teller, she smiled and pointed to one on the counter. I started using it and said, verbatim, "Did you know I steal pens all the time and I'll probably steal this one because like I said earlier I'm single and I steal pens all the time. Have you ever seen that show?" She smiled at me!! Smiled at me and said something about how I'd have to steal the entire counter, because the pen I was using was chained to it. I said to her, "Yeah, well, then maybe I'll just steal all the money from that motherfucking register, bitch." Next thing I know I'm being escorted out of Wachovia. I think she'll remember me, though. And it probably won't be long before I make a little deposit of my own, if you know what I mean. A little transferring of funds, if you catch my drift. A little ATM balance inquiry, if you're picking up what I'm putting down. A little second-mortgage with a new equity line of credit, if you're feeling my heat. Okay, I have no idea what I'm talking about anymore. Suffice it to say, I'll be watching Mr. 3000 over at her place next week. And converting her to Satanism.

Current obsession: Man vs. Wild. I watch it just to hear the guy pronounce "glacier" "glah-see-eh".