But first I feel like I have to get something off my chest so that we might move forward as a society, you know, evolve: Unless you're under the age of ten, please stop dancing and waving behind people while they're being interviewed on TV. That means you with the buzz cut and Flyers hat, gripping your GoPhone in one hand and crotch in the other, no doubt asking some slack-jawed dolt back in Cleveland if he can see you on TV or whether you should slide over to the left a couple of feet. And that means you with the mustache and Brian Urlacher jersey, holding a bag from Champs Sports and a 64-ounce beer at 10AM, raising both as if anyone other than your retarded kids gives a shit. And it definitely means you mouthing the words "I love you, Jen" while telling the world that your team is Number One! with your sausage fingers. Guess what, guys . . . You look dumber than you actually are. And I'm guessing that's no easy feat. Still, you manage it beautifully. Nothing drives me bonkers quite like watching a couple of ex-NFL players talking about the Super Bowl while a half dozen tiny heads bob around their shoulders, holding up illegible signs that I can only assume read, "They let me out! They actually let me out!" Get a fucking life, people.

Okay, so remember that Peter Pan freak? Sure you do. Here's another one people won't stop forwarding to me that I'm sure you've seen: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

And this is just unspeakably disgusting: Talk about your lipo!