1. Lose 5 pounds. Then gain it back. Then lose it. Then gain it back. Then lose it. Then gain 10 pounds. Then lose 5 and call it a day.

2. Buy some books to go along with the other books I've bought over the years. Think about joining a book club. Think better of joining a book club.

3. Have some gym draft $60/month out of my bank account.

4. Substitute ground turkey for ground beef up until around the end of February when Publix has a sale on ground beef, at which point institute a ban on ground turkey after rediscovering the sweet, sweet taste of ground beef.

5. Date less. Rape more.

6. Stack up a bunch of aluminum cans and glass bottles outside my laundry room where they'll collect dust, bugs and a lovely odor come spring. Then throw them away after a fruitless 2-minute search for a recycling bin.

7. Feign interest when told of someone's novel they've been working on. Actually, feign interest generally.

8. Drink less often for a week or two, but don't count bowl games or cocktail parties or visits from friends. Forget about this resolution with the first sign of spring.

9. Spend more time with my neighbor's kids. The girl is growing up rather nicley and the boy has a good arm. The folks are rarely at home . . . and the kids sure do seem hungry for wisdom. The girl is growing up rather nicely.

10. Try to connect with God in situations other than turbulent plane flights and massive hangovers. Watching old George Burns movies counts.

11. Try to make less money this year than last. Even if it means owing money at the end of the year. It's always real cool to see parantheses around dollar amounts when it comes to your personal finances.

12. More TV.

13. Promise more. Deliver less.

14. Talk about learning an instrument. By summer, though, just talk about how other people suck at their instruments.

15. Buy some cds to learn a second language. Trade in said cds two weeks later for The Very Best of Badfinger.

16. Volunteer to volunteer more, but never really volunteer.

17. Be more tolerant of Native Americans.