Okay Times To Cry:

When Old Yeller dies.

When someone calls you to tell you they're pregnant and they "expect you to do something about it".

The last week of American Idol, if you are the winning contestant, or have, like the sobbing losing contestant (whose crying is not acceptable), an estranged relationship with your father.

While watching Jeopardy!

The episode of Friends where Rachel looks into the cafe at Ross and that awesome U2 song is playing over my tears.

When you find out it's not just a bunch of mosquito bites.

When the vending machine takes your quarters.

When you drop your ice cream cone.

If you're eating at Denny's.

When it rains.

When you get a pimple.

If you go blind like Laura's sister, Mary, in Little House on the Prairie, and you're shipped off to school in Iowa.

If you go blind like a Bangkok whore and you're left with a big mess to clean up.

When you masturbate.

Mondays.

Sundays.

Wednesdays.

Januarys.

When Goose Dies in Top Gun.

While listening to Jewel.

If you find yourself caught in the middle of a war you have nothing to do with, but you're going to be beheaded anyway.

If you find yourself caught between the moon and New York City.

Not Okay Times To Cry:

At your audition for American Idol.

While reading a Mitch Albom "book".

While you're being molested by that tall guy next door.

While watching the Hallmark Movie of the Week, unless you are being forced to watch the Hallmark Movie of the Week, and that is, in fact, why you're crying. But don't disguise those tears behind that loophole. You'll be found out sooner or later.

When that kid in My Girl gets stung to death by a bunch of bees.

During any ESPN piece that's narrated by Jeremy Schaap, unless you get that call about someone being pregnant and wanting you to do something about it during the piece, in which case, cry away.