I'm sure you've all heard this by now, but it's worth repeating. Screech, the white Urkel, is in a homemade porn. Yes, that goofy guy from Saved By The Bell who somehow managed to go through puberty for 12 straight seasons. He was one of the only original cast members to appear as a regular in the Saved By The Bell: The New Class series. Everyone claimed he was the brother of Mike D from the Beastie Boys. He's not. And some people said he was Neil Diamond's son. He's not. He's Lisa Turtle's gentleman caller. That's about it. Oh, and the Bayside Tigers mascot.

You may also remember that a couple of years ago he was back in the news trying to pay off the mortgage on his house. He had a website that sold tshirts that told the world that you helped save Screech's house. Wearing one was as noble as wearing one of those yellow Livestrong bracelets. I don't think this is the original site, but you'll get the idea. I remember that site as being a bit more JV. Kinda like my site. I don't know. Maybe he updated it.

Anyway, probably the most shocking part of this story, though, is that Screech is with two women on the video and apparently gives one of the gals the ole Dirty Sanchez. You might remember that term from this post. Or you might just remember it from Saturday night. And you say we've lost touch, Chad. Anywho, the only letdown is that Miss Bliss is nowhere to be seen. And Mario Lopez does not give Screech a wedgie at any point in the film. Guess he was too busy goading the judges of Dancing With The Stars.

The Screech story.

Without a doubt, the best TV theme song ever. Okay, maybe Knight Rider's is up there. And The Facts of Life's. Damn, I almost forgot about 60 Minutes'. I put that on so many of my mixes. Nothing gets a party started quite like a 1971 stopwatch. Anyway, suicide is the topic today, so MASH's theme song should be running through your head. If I could figure out how to post mp3s or small clips of music a la iTunes, this site wouldn't be so JV. Anyone have any suggestions?

Back to suicide. If you haven't heard yet, Terrell Owens of the Dallas Cowboys attempted suicide last night. Talk about burying your leads! Anyway, it was first reported that he had an adverse reaction to some pain medication he was taking for his broken finger. This morning, however, the police report revealed that he had taken about 30 painkillers last night and admitted to trying to harm himself. He also said he was depressed. Kinda goes without saying.

The first thing that came to my mind was, "Wow, how did he find out he was on my fantasy team?" The season's not looking good for the ole Hobo Bush, but was it really looking that bad? Then I really thought about it. Sure, TO seems to have everything. He has endless amounts of money. A great job. Celebrity. But he doesn't have much respect, I guess. At least not off the field. He's the target of so many sports writers and muckrakers. But, hell, he made his bed. He is selfish. He is a child. These things were not fabricated by writers or reporters. Still, he seemed to take all of that in stride. And things seemed to be looking up in Dallas, aside from the recent injury(ies).

This is a guy who pumps iron, does sit-ups and shoots hoops while holding news conferences at his house. He loves the spotlight. Above all else, he seemed to love himself. It just really shocked me to hear that someone who seems so proud to be TO would want to stop being TO. This would certainly be news if it happened to any player in the NFL, but it's pretty unbelievable when it's TO. I believe he's depressed. I believe this was a cry for help. But I'm sure there'll be cynics out there who think it's just the latest in a long line of Rosenhaus/Owens PR stunts. I don't buy it. The bottom line: He hasn't had much sympathy, and he probably won't have this much again for the rest of his life. However long TO decides that will be.

Stay tuned to see how this affects his season. Will he come back this year? I'm betting against it. He might be done for good. Like all those guys on Around The Horn will say this afternoon, this is bigger than football.

Then again, maybe he'll deny all the reports. The only way he comes back to football is if he does just that. It won't do as much for his sympathy factor, but I think people will still feel sorry for him, because he is obviously in pain. The brain kind of pain.

Tony liked it better the first time he heard it . . .

Update!!!

He's apparently denying the reports. Press conference on ESPN right now (1:00pm). Which sucked, so don't even bother tuning in. BUT! TO is having his own allergic reaction coverup, er, conference at 1:30 EST.

A friend told me I might know this guy who is not named Beavers and is therefore not wicked phat. But I don't think I know him. And it doesn't really matter. I enjoyed it and thought you might, too. Kinda funny.

Here is that guy's site: I don't know how to love him because he's retarded.

Also, I have almost finished my long-awaited Creative Circus piece. It will be magical. I'm just waiting on a few more pieces. If any of my fellow classmates are out there and happened to keep anything from Reva's class, other than regrets, please send it my way in jpeg form.

Til then, I've got some awesome tees for you. Like this one about God.

Or this one about your neighbor's pet.

Or maybe you're more of a traditionalist.

Thanks, Management

I get like three of those emails per day. They're starting to convince me. Anywho, in a couple of months you'll see my cards come to life thanks to this guy. It should be a gas. If you have anything you'd like a couple of my characters to discuss, let me hear it. As for the fantasy season, which got underway last week, I'm 0 for 2 in my leagues. My big money league's starting lineup for week 2:

Jake Delhomme
LT
Warrick Dunn
Deuce McCallister
Randy Moss
Donte Stallworth
Todd Heap
Tynes (the kicker)
Ravens DST

Yeah, I know, why the hell did I take Randy Moss? I shoulda grabbed Holt. I'll be regretting that all season.

Unrelated news (surprise) . . . I've been watching Weeds thanks to Netflix. Nice soundtrack. And like all premium channel series, beautiful opening. Gotta love suburbia. Also unrelated: the best ads out there right now are on the radio. A tough format, yet those suckers at Crispin Porter make me turn the radio up when their BK 'patty on patty on patty technology' spots come on. The best thing on the radio since Bud Light's Real American Heroes. More commendable than anything they've recently put in a magazine.

Hey, since you're not doing anything, help me pay my fantasy football transaction fees by purchasing some of my awesome cards. They're the links on the sidebar over there . . .

Parenting can be difficult. Just ask my father. He had a terrible time leaving three kids and a pregnant wife behind. I just know it ate him up on that beach in Mexico. How he stomached those 'ritas, day in and day out, is beyond me. Difficult in deed. Anywho, most parents want their kids to love them, so I've made that easy with 11 simple rules by which to live and govern. And I know what you're thinking, but I don't want to make a living advising parents like some new-age Dr. Spock. My advise is free. Valuable, but free.

1. Get your kid involved in beauty pageants at an early age. Not only will they thank you later, but also their winnings might pay for a family trip to Panama City.

2. Give your kids credit cards with no spending limits. But tell them you won't always be around to pay the bill. Then laugh to hammer home the weightlessness of that last sentence.

3. A new car, preferably an Escalade with 24" rims, for their 15th birthday.

4. Buy your kid and his or her friends beer for spring break, and teach them how to roll a really tight joint. Also, dissuade them from using crack with a viewing of New Jack City.

5. Blow smoke rings on command. Nothing says "I've still got it" quite like smoke rings.

6. Tell racist jokes. Often. Everyone knows that being a racist is the new black.

7. Two words: Whoopee Cushion.

8. Badmouth teachers and other authority figures. Maybe get one of those 'Bad Cop - No Donut' stickers for your Suzuki Sidekick.

9. Sunday night is Pictionary night. Or is it porn night? Let the kids decide!

10. Practice tough love. In other words, beat your kids before raping them. Which brings me to Number 11 . . .

11. Always practice safe sex with your children. Unless you're both drunk. You can't get pregnant when you're drunk - anyone fit to wear scrubs will tell you that.