So I've been out of touch lately. Fine. I decided to re-post an old fave while I get my shiite together. Yes you can access this post on the sidebar. No I don't care. Anyway, I'll be back to regular posts one day. And we will be better for it. Until then, enjoy . . . Oh, and kudos to Yonteff . . . and to those kids from VCU who apparently did some fine ads for my line of awesome cards - check the sidebar for those cards - and then buy some . . .

What Do Tattoos Really Mean?

We've all got tats. Or know someone who does. I'm all for the right to get one. I actually wanted one back in junior high. I just didn't know what to get. I didn't know what kind of tat I was. So I never got one. And because times change, and people change, it's likely that the tat you got in 8th grade isn't the tat you'd get today. If you'd even get one at all. But maybe that tat reminds you of your salad days. Or is it your salad-tossing days?

Anyway, I've put together a little Tat Guide to help us all out. These are generalizations. There are exceptions to every rule. But for the most part they are dead on, according to my research.

I've not included anything about people who have their entire arms, legs or bodies covered in tats. They are to be avoided at all costs. Or simply tipped when they carry your bags up.

So find out who you are. Find out what that guy you just met is really like without rifling through his medicine cabinet or wallet. Find out what Verizon Wireless was billed 7 hours for back when I was writing award-winning ads for the creative powerhouse known as Erwin-Penland.


BEASTS/ANIMALS:

Unicorn: F/GM For the first 12 years of your life you wanted one. But then you realized your parents couldn't afford one. So you dream about them often. And boys, too. You're a hand-holder. A heavy spooner. And your favorite movies are Beaches, The Princess Bride and The Never-Ending Story.

Turtle: M You love the water. Specifically, riding it while atop your Kawasaki Jet Ski. You've been arrested on marijuana possession charges once. That's when you learned the word "expunged". You wear bandanas on your head. You're a badass. Or so the decal on your Probe would have us believe.

Dolphin: F/GM A smart mammal, in deed. Unfortunately, the same can't necessarily be said about you. A dolphin on your body means that you love a lot. You love too much, actually. And you've been taken advantage of many times because of it. You've sworn off dating hotties; they inevitably use you. You also swear to never share your ATM card with future boyfriends. That was an expensive lesson. One the dolphin should have warned you about.

Rose: M/F Thank the Lord for the Dark Star Orchestra. Thank the Lord the cops didn't find your dugout.

CELESTIAL

Crescent Moon: M/F/GM You're into poetry and Medeski Martin and Wood. You swear Birkenstocks are the most comfortable shoes on the planet, and you always tell your conservative friends that a man once ran a marathon in a pair. They don't believe you. Or like you that much.

Full Moon: M/F/GM/A You don't mind anal sex. You shave your back. You have a telescope in your bedroom that you use to watch your neighbors' kids going to the bathroom.

Star: M/F You love the night life. You like to boogie. You ate 7 hits of acid one time. You wear sunglasses everywhere you go. You noodle often.

Sun: M/F You listen to a lot of Dave Matthews. You love the beach. And convertibles. You made out with the guy behind the counter at Payless Shoes last week.

Sun with Sunglasses: M/F You can't afford corrective surgery.

IDEOLOGICAL/SPIRITUAL

Peace Sign: M/F You've been planning to write a book entitled, "Tofurkey Soup for the Soul", but you're too lazy. That's why you don't shave. You think everything was better in the 60s. And you're right. You weren't alive then.

Guns: M/GF God bless Charlton Heston. God bless the US of A. God bless the bunker you built in the woods up past Highway 9.

Cross: M/F Jesus died for your sins. Jim Caviezel will forever be on your Hot List. You have a sticker of Calvin kneeling before a corss on your Silverado. It's next to the one of him urinating on the Ford logo.

Anarchy: M/GF You like the rock music. You hate the establishment. You must also hate brushing your teeth and working, because you haven't done either in over 3 years.

Star of David: M You got the tat thanks to a coupon you found in a free weekly promising you 10% off any tat (black only). But, unlike many of your cross bearing counterparts, you actually know a thing or two about religion. Shut up about it already.

Feather: M/F/GF You reference the Trail of Tears in many of your stories. You vacationed in Hawaii once. You tried surfing. It didn't take. Neither will your liver transplant.

Rebel Flag: M/F/GM/MM You are really smart. And open-minded. You tell everyone that it's "heritage" not "hate", but if pressed you'll admit that you hate "darkies". Well, you'll at least claim that they shouldn't hold any sort of public office. You'd bang your sister on a dare. Or maybe just a Friday.

CORPORATE

Nike Swoosh: M/GF You like the way they dribble up and down the court. You like the way your muscles look right after you do 50 push-ups. You like talking about yesteryear. You also like your Kia.

McDonald's Golden Arches: M/F/GF/O You're hungry. But you're hot. Like real hot. Because you're standing next to a Fry Daddy. You have diarrhea 4 times a day. You read Adbusters and People while on the john.

Bank of America: M/GM You heart cocaine. You heart neckties and Allen Edmunds. Your car is spotless. And thanks to the maid, so is your house. The same house where the authorities will find some of your blood. Unfortunately, they'll never find you.

NAMES

Mom: M/F Deadbeat Dad. Nuff said.

Dad: M/F So mom wasn't around? She skipped town with a salesman from Oklahoma City? She let her boyfriend slap you around in the diner that day? Poured some coffee on your crotch? Yeah, that's why you smoke two packs a day. And why Daddy's a hero.

Significant Other: M/F/GM/GF You know who you're making sweet love to. You know who you're beating. When the cops ask 'who dunnit?' You only have to point to your arm or pelvis. You're thrice-divorced. But your soul mate is out there somewhere. You'll fuck them one day. In the back of your 'Stang.

Jesus or God or Allah: M/F This is a step below the visage. But you're more than a religious dabbler. You owe your life to the man upstairs. We're hoping whoever that may be takes you up on it real soon.

Sonny Bono: GM/F/C He had you, babe. And now you've got him on your shoulder blade. Or maybe the small of your back, the most fertilized part of your body. When he died, you watched his funeral on TV, cut down every tree in your yard and read all about the Sonny Bono Copyright Term Extension Act. You also had 'RIP' burned just below his name. The dot over the "I" made to look like a tear. Too soon.

Elvis: M/F/GM The King is cool. Therefore, you are cool.

PORTRAITS

Mom: M She loved you like no one can love you. Especially your girlfriend. That's why you cheat on her and occasionally beat her. She ain't Momma.

Dad: M/F Papa don't take no mess. He's the reason you are the person you are today. He'll be getting out of jail in 7 years.

Fallen Sibling: M You're probably black. Or at least think you are. You play basketball but are out of shape. However, your trademark sweat suits tell a different story. Everything you do you do for your lost sib. Except the drugs. Those you do to perpetuate a stereotype.

Jesus: M/F/TD Christ is your Savior, but somehow He didn't save you from making this mistake. You'd like to remove the tat, but fear retribution from the Lord. I mean, getting Jesus lasered off your arm has to be a sin.

Significant Other: M/F Yeah, this one is heading for the Big D. And we're not talking about Detroit. If you're not already married, don't do it. It's all downhill after the tat, because there is no greater show of affection than the visage of one's lover etched into one's skin. You can't top that. No matter how hard you try. That realization will tear you apart. That and the tornado heading for your trailer park.

Dave (from Wendy's): M Open late. Or so we hear. Dude, you got a serious fixation on squares. You're also a genius who will one day climb Everest and cure Cancer. At the same time!

Ghandi: GM/F This one is tricky. If you've got a tat of Ghandi's countenance on your person, you only did it to get noticed by that guy behind you in your yoga class. Turns out he was gay. But the tat rocks!

*Editor's Note: If the tat is actually that of Ben Kingsley who played Ghandi in the movie of the same name, we salute you. Ben!

Self: M/RD You got yourself tattooed on your self? We have to meet. I love crotch rockets and Tesla, too! You bring the meth; I'll bring the gun so we can kill ourselves! This tat is popular with NBA players and a few down-and-out movie stars. Robert Downey Jr. - a doomed man? I know it's old news, but it still roxxx. Read Story

MISCELLANEOUS

POW/MIA: M/GM You have a motorcycle. You do not have a helmet. You drink bourbon and cheap beer. And you let everyone at the county fair know both. You also frequent other outdoor festivals. You haven't taken your mandals off since '87. You know, back when the country was strong.

Semper Fi: M/GM/GF The only guns you carry around these days are busting out of your sleeves. That's right, you lift weights. Lots of weights. You like your women a little on the trashy side. You support Bush. You got in three fights last month. Nice Ford Ranger.

Chinese Characters: M/F/GM/TC You're not Chinese. But you like Chinese food. You're deep. You occasionally smoke grass. But always someone else's. You've been laid twice this year. Once for free. Oh, and the framed Samurai sword is a nice touch.

Skull: M No one understands you, man. Especially not that 12 year old you've got locked up in your basement. He doesn't know shit. He definitely doesn't know why you display old grenades next to your bed.

Anchor: M/GM/TA You have a pipe, a sailor's hat and a speech impediment. You eat tons of spinach. And a wiry little number named Olive calls you her man. Well, when she's not face down in the lap of Bluto.

Heart: GM/GF Two words: Gay.

Barcode: M Clever about 15 years ago. Still, it tells the world that you can be bought and sold. Not surprisingly, no takers.

Dancing Bear: M/F/LB There are some Devil Sticks under your Futon. Your tapestries look awfully Indian. You've heard of the Sitar, but aren't quite sure what it sounds like. After a backstage visit with WSP, your life has been nothing but failure after failure. But it's cool, though, you've got some incense and two cats to lift your spirits.

Stuart Scott: SS You suck arse. Keep biting the other side of the pillow, hoss.

666: M Ah, I like you. Please don't hurt me. Nice tat!

Robotics: M, AB You don't remember, you don't remember, why don't you remember my name? Off with his head, man, off with his head, man. Why don't you remember my name? I guess he does.

Spider Webs: M, GF I think it means you've been to prison if you've got one of these on your elbow. Or maybe that's a tear on your face. Whatever. You need a bath and a job. And you have got to stop it with the meth already. Meth only leads to one thing: meth mouth. And meth mouth leads to only one thing: the best idea for a calendar ever!

Frat Tats: M, GM Dude. You are cool. You are popular. You have friends that you may or may not have paid for. You're a true gentleman: you don't rape and tell. Here's to the GOP, nepotism and Adderall.

Tramp Stamp: F This isn't a tat, rather it refers to any tat that is located on the small of a gal's back. In other words, you're classy. And probably just now getting back in from the ole bang bus. Tough day at the office? DAP will always do that to you.

Do you have a tattoo story? Did you know that, according to his grandmother, Chad Rucker doesn't have pubic hairs, but tattoos of them? Do you know someone with a tat of his likeness on his bicep? Are you a regular on Miami Ink? Do tell!