Currently Listening To: Levert
Currently Growing A: Moustache

No, I'm not referring to the talent on Last Comic Standing in my title up there. I have been obsessed with Hayden's "Bad As They Seem" lately. Hey, I'm only like 10 years late. Anyway, download that song if you get the chance and the 99 cents. And if you like it, try "Dynamite Walls" from his Skyscraper National Park album. Oh, and laugh with us all if that guy with Palsy turns out to not have Palsy as his final joke on LCS. That would totally redeem the show in my mind. As for the Levert and the "prison pussy", well I'm just getting ready for Friday night.

Great Taglines For The Next Great Ultra-Light Beer To Hit The Market:

1. Keep the weight off. As well as the ladies.
2. It's the water drinker's light beer.
3. Get drunk slower.
4. Watch as I make love to your mouth.
5. Tell people you're watching your weight and order a beer at the same time!
6. You can't play Cups without it.
7. Ask for it by name. Just de-emphasize the last part of the name.
8. Goes great with a burger and 9 cigarettes.
9. You belong to a gym!
10. Because you don't have the sack to ask for a Zima.
11. It's not poisonous.
12. It's not as poisonous as some beers.
13. Okay, it's got some poison in it, but it won't kill you - quickly.
14. As seen on the Poison Control Center's website!
15. God, Poison was a great band.
16. But not as great as Levert.

Mad props, as my neighbors say, go out to Goldenfiddle! The Slack! and Consumating! for finally giving me the recognition I've never deserved. As can be easily gathered here on a daily basis, this site is first and foremost a site that attempts to push my greeting cards onto the unsuspecting public. I occasionally type new words on my homepage. That's about it. Thanks for clicking on the card links, you two. Anyway, my cards are all printed on 100# card stock - so they're hefty - and they come with envelopes - which I haven't even licked.

OMG! Your first post on the iTunes poetry movement was brilliant! I read it and read it and read it and read it, because that's how good it is. If anyone disagrees with me they are totally gay and maybe retarded and stuff. Life-changing is too weak a word for that post of the century. 3/5 stars only b/c I liked the previous posts better. *** - Jeanyus

Oh, this world would be so dull without the average man and his average brain. Yeah, and who would teach our kids for that matter? Or beat guilt into our criminals? Or transform our countryside into Quail Ridge Estates Phase 3? Or pay our banks ridiculous interest rates? Yes, we need the average man. We need his average cash. We need his desperate ways. We need him to remind us just how fortunate we are (even if we're not*). And we definitely need his yearning to be something other than who he really is. In the case of iTunes, a fucking genius. A hip, early-adopting genius.

* I'm not wealthy. I am the CEO of Sallie Mae's golden parachute. I just despise a lot of things that come with the middle class. I do, however, realize how important the middle class is (kinda how Republicans see Mexicans). And, anyway, it's not entirely the average man's fault that he gets short shrift. I mean, someone could profit a little less from him, thereby giving him a little more. But that's not the American way. At least I don't think that's capitalism. Anyway, I'm starting to sound like I belong on iTunes, which was the whole point of this. Yep, I've found some more Chad Ruckers out there . . .

Apparat & Ellen Allien: Orchestra of Bubbles - Ellen is the Beethoven of electronica. Most people will not recognize this work as true genius upon first listen. ***** - aimso1gh And you are the Chopin of diarrhea.

M83: Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts - I actually just bought this album yesterday, but already I feel like I've changed. ***** - IndieAndy I bet you've hated your name all your life. That is, until you had that stroke of near rhyme genius.

Arcade Fire: Funeral - They're a good indie band, not anywhere close to the goodness of my 2nd favorite band Modest Mouse or close to The Killers infectious indie pop songs. This is a different kind of indie - it's more sad and somber without being boring like Bright Eyes. It almost has a Brittish quality to it, which I like since Oasis is my favorite band and is the greatest band to have ever existed. ***** - Sweetness Liam? Is that you?

Bloc Party: Silent Alarm - Indie Rock could be defined by many albums this year but the fact is in my book that this was one of the best. I will rate the songs as they blast out of my computer . . . ***** - Concert Guy I will rate your choice of words as the letters explode into my eyes.

Neil Young: After The Goldrush - This is the best of his early period. Buy it thrice!!! Peace. ***** - CoolFreeHardBop You know what else is great? Your computer. You should buy that three times, too.

Adam Green: Friends of Mine - My fave is "Friends of Mine". Though the lyrics make no sense, I love to jam to it. It would be the song to choose when buying. The rest are soso. I mean they don't make you want to get up and dance around. **** - Darn Darn-tootin'! "If the song don't make you jam, the song ain't worth a damn." - John Lennon

Air Supply: Ultimate Air Supply - This album summarizes a fabulous career that spanded decades. ***** - Anonymous Your stupidity spandes galaxies.

Bel Biv Devoe: The Milennium Collection - "Poison" could have been written about me! I mean, they say, "Never trust a big butt and a smile!" I do have a big butt and a bright smile but you can always trust me, as I tell the truth! **** - larbear Therefore this song could not have been written about you and is filled with bad advice, fatass.

Cake: Prolonging the Magic - I haven't actually heard this album yet, but it's Cake, so it must be absurdly good. Buy it!! ***** - Orangutan The only thing that's absurd is your name, your review and your logic. Okay, that's three things. Hey, buy it thrice!

DJ Shadow: Endtroducing . . . - If rock is vanilla, hip-hop chocolate, funk strawberry, and DJ Shadow a banana, then this album is the best banana split ever! ***** - Bronzelion You were right about DJ Shadow being a banana, but wrong about funk, rock and hip-hop. Rock is Rocky Road, naturally. Hip-hop is actually raisins. And funk is, believe it or not, razor wire. So your banana split theory is pretty much ruined. Or is it?

The Earlies: These Were The Earlies - The Doves, Franz Ferdinand, Arcade Fire . . . if these names do not ring a bell, get in the loop. The Earlies deliver the goods in their long awaited US release of their second album. ***** - samantha donen Gee, Sam, you sure do seem to hang out with the in-crowd. Sure wish I were more like you.

Farquet: The View From This Tower - I remember the day I first heard this album. Honestly, it changed my life. ***** - Realalternativeisinyourhead Because on that day I was gang-raped by 7 men in Native American headdresses. The album was just a coincidence, really.

The Features: Exhibit A - This album is a hidden gem waiting to be discovered. Need I say more? ***** - Cassandra Nope. You summed it up perfectly, Lester Bangs.

Mum: Yesterday Was Dramatic - Today Is OK - In such a masterpiece (as in all her works), one may find oneself flush with an energy so pure an colorful, yet at the same time melancholic and sorrowful. ***** Raskolnikov One may also find oneself charming and personable, yet friendless and lonely.

Boards of Canada: The Campfire Headphase - It's like viewing still images from an attic. Dust comes off the photograph and you project the place and time as though it had been your own. That ephemeral moment expands to a pool of memories, all feigned, but it doesn't matter that none of this happened. Instinctively, making up a story with pictures from an attic storage bin that doesn't exist continues. At some moment your own memories of people seamlessly splice into this fiction and you slightly start to wonder if these series of thoughts are indeed from your own past. Eventually you have to ask yourself how much of this was spontaneously written in your head or how much you intercepted from something out there. Boards of Canada have made another fantastic soundtrack for magnificent daydreaming. The final moments drip you either further into a dream or dissolve you back to reality with strong impressions of the daydream that just passed through your mind. The still life fragrance of this record will wash through the rest of the day. Press track one and let it happen. ***** John Pemble You take drugs, Danny? Seriously, you have got to lay off the acid, man. If, when talking to people, you get the sense that other people are standing behind you looking at the person you're talking to, while pointing to their heads with twirling index fingers, it's probably the only thing you've been right about since HORDE.

Journey: Escape - This album is one of the absolute best purchases I have made in my life! ***** - Me =) I'm gonna go ahead and say that, on behalf of the rest of us, you should put that abortion you purchased on that list too.

Journey: Escape - It's like viewing still images from an attic. Dust comes off the photograph and you project the place and time as though it had been your own. That ephemeral moment expands to a pool of memories, all feigned, but it doesn't matter that none of this happened. Instinctively, making up a story with pictures from an attic storage bin that doesn't exist continues. At some moment your own memories of people seamlessly splice into this fiction and you slightly start to wonder if these series of thoughts are indeed from your own past. Eventually you have to ask yourself how much of this was spontaneously written in your head or how much you intercepted from something out there. Journey has made another fantastic soundtrack for magnificent masturbating. The final moments drip you either further into a dream or dissolve you back to reality with strong impressions of the daydream that just passed through your mind. The still life fragrance of this record will wash through the rest of the day. Press track one and lube it up. ***** - Chadrucker14 Chad Rucker was recently arrested in a sting at the Brushy Creek Park for undisclosed reasons. But sources close to the perp tell us that it may have something to do with young boys, glory holes and Krispy Kreme donuts. Also, you should note, corn cobs were found at the scene.

Off the subject (almost) completely, but did Rockapella open Game 6 in Dallas? Where in the world is your dignity, people?

Faith that another post on the genius of iTunes is coming soon. Yes, I've found more - and better - goodies. Faith that the US team will score a goal. Faith that Bruce Arena is not a Weeble Wobble. Faith that one day a teacher as hot as that one in Texas will have sex with your son, too. Faith that you'll pass no solids. People, you gotta have faith!

iTunes Is Bigger and Better Than Jesus. This we all know. But one of the best things about iTunes isn't the accessible music, it's the customer comments. They run the gamut from idiotic all the way to idiotic. It's essentially a blog like this one. No news. Terrible writing. Rarely updated. Just plain fun. Hey, like the South Carolina Education Lottery. Just plain. Just plain fun! But I digress. So, anyway, some highlights from the pages of iTunes, all of which inspired me to click the 'buy album' button:

* I've left those errors unedited in cases where it helps the overall feel of the piece. I think editors insert 'sic' or something like that. But I'm not an editor, so I don't.

The High Llamas: Retrospective, Rarities and Instrumentals - The idea of musical genius grows and changes in close association with the evolution of music itself. The history of that idea is inseparable from the history of music and the concept of the musician as it developed from the ancient times. ***** - bartwell Ahhh, the ancient times. Where blowhards like you were mauled, mid-sentence, by saber toothed tigers.

Animal Collective: Feels - The more I listen to this album the closer I feel to finding the meaning of life. ***** - JD Luker But I bet today you'll settle for finding the prize in your King Vitamins, huh?

Frank Black: Honeycomb - Give this album five spins or more before judging the disk (pardon my vinyl analogies). **** - fleabag Oh, you must have a mad vinyl collection. Can we fuck already?

Calexico: Garden Ruin - These guys are great. Check 'em out. And the people who gave ONE STAR are obviously not real music fans. **** Sentimentalmachine.com I mean, Sentimentalmachine, that goes without saying.

Grandadddy: Just Like The Fambly Cat - I am trying to learn how to skateboard at the moment and "Skateboarding Saves Me Twice" is perfect for inspiring me :) sets a chill tone with a good beat. I love it. ***** HYDROG3N FYI: Skateboarding won't save you even once. Anyway, good luck with that, Tony Hawk :)

The Stills: Without Feathers - I know it's not totally fair to rate this album without actually purchasing it, but I feel I must speak. ** - Anonymous Spoken like a true critic.

Drive-By Truckers: The Dirty South - Wow! Drive-By Truckers are amazing. I wanna go see them and the Black Crowes and Robert Randolf in concert this summer, but it's unlikely. ***** - Anonymous Yeah, I bet you'll be busy curing cancer or something.

Modest Mouse: Good News For People Who Like Bad News - This album has some incredible songs, especially if you don't listen to the radio (I hear "Float On" gets tiring). **** - badamshockey (I hear you work at Radio Shack.)

Belle and Sebastion: The Life Pursuit - Another outstanding Belle and Sebation CD. Too many good songs to list, but "We Are The Sleepyheads" is a standout song, along with "Funny Little Frog" and "To Be Myself Completely" and "Another Sunny Day". ***** - Crabbito You just got through telling us there were too many to list. So which is it, Crabbito?

Scott Walker: Drift - Album of the decade! ***** - Anonymous I'd want to remain anonymous, too.

Scott Walker: Drift - This guy is joking right? He is obviously joking. I would listen to Ashlee Simpson, The Spice Girls, Kelly Clarkson and Aaron Carter on repeat all day before buying this guy's album. * Anonymous Hmmm. Those names sure seemed to roll off your tongue pretty easily.

J Dilla: Donuts - His beats changed my life. Rest in peace James Yancey. ***** - Anonymous So what were you doing before you were sharing your opinions on iTunes?

Murs: Murray's Revenge - I had never heard this guy to be honest with you. I was hooked after 2 seconds. I have got to get this CD. ***** - Yonicman So hooked, apparently, that you still haven't bought this CD.

Soul Position: Things Go Better With RJ and AL - Expected better from this CD. True to its underground roots and not any of that crappy stuff marketed as rap nowadays. However, too much hating on the mainstream. ** Anonymoun The crappy mainstream.

Heiruspecs: A Tiger Dancing - I'm no hip-hop or rap afficianado, but this group is simply spectacular. **** - Zeller I'm no doctor, but you're fucking retarded.

Madonna: Confessions On a Dance Floor - As a fan who has followed madonna since the beginning of her career, I feel like we've grown up together. ***** - Leo1221 And I'm sure she feels the same way. You should call her up!

Shakira: Oral Fixation, Vo.l 2 - OMG "Hips Don't Lie" is the BEST song I've ever heard! ***** - Anonymous Sure you don't mean ONLY?

Nick Lachey: What's Left Of Me - While Jessica Simpson may be the media's darling, I say Nick is the cat's meow. ***** - Kyan I say you know a thing or two about restraining orders.

Jewel: Goodbye Alice In Wonderland - Jewel has a voice that resonates with me at the core. It doesn't hurt that she is a poet, which means that every song is a gift from deep inside. ***** - Richie920 No comment.

Styx: The Complete Wooden Nickel Recordings - Fuck all! This Styx album is the only thing I've got on my iPod. It moves me. It tells me what to do. Who to be. Who to kill, etc. ***** - Chadrucker14 Go get 'em, Tiger!

Sorry Rucker.

Apple iPod Goes U2 On Us. Again. I bought the last one right when it came out. The only thing I ever put on it is U2. And some Coldplay. But the ratio is like 20:1. Anyway, I've already ordered one of the new ones. So do you think Bono will sleep with me now? I don't want to settle for The Edge again.

That Video Is Hot! No, Seriously, That Video Is On Fire. If one side of your face recently caught flames while recording your son's groundout to first, there may be an explanation. Still nothing to explain your child's ineptitude.

The 12th Beatle Dies. Yoko Ono Nowhere To Be Found. Will it go up to heaven? Heaven?

Houston Oilers Lose To Miami Hurricanes In Game 1. Or something like that. That Gretzky was some player.

Sperm Don't Age Well? Tell that to the washcloth under my bed. That thing is lookin' grrrreat! To say nothing of its taste.

Road Rage Is a Medical Disorder? Sure. Maybe I'll ask my doctor about that when I go in to take care of my Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) once and for all. Is it bad, Doc?