Did Ya Miss Me? Exactly. And I know you all know that I heart Swayze like mad. Well, this was forwarded to me today, so enjoy . . .


Barry Bonds Injects Some Excitement Into Our National Pastime. Did you catch that? How about that? Because I can be really clever.

Liz Taylor Says She Doesn't Have Alzheimers. But this Liz Taylor person people keep asking her about might. Depends are a girl's best friend.

This Is What They Meant By "All Is Fair In Love And War", Right? Nothing like a little unprovoked slaughter to boost morale.

Clemens An Astro Again. So that's about $3mil/win?

Bear Attacks Woman Inside Their Home. That's right, their home. No more pic-i-nic baskets.

Kennedy Visits Lithuania? Dude didn't just blow over. He blew a liter of Stoli. Dude, where's my liver?

Luke Skywalker Will And Can Kick Your Ass. Welcome to the fucked-up shop.

3 Climbers Die After Reaching Everest Summit. Probably from the Chalupas. At least their relatives won't have to sit through the slideshows.

And a final word on the new KFC ads: WTF? To bring you up to speed . . .

Man: What's good here?

Woman: Well, our creamed corn, our mashed potatoes, our fried chicken, our coleslaw, our biscuits and I really love our Key Lime Pie!

Man: Perfect. I want it all. But in layers. Starting with the coleslaw.

Woman: What say we top it all off with our spicy gravy and three-cheese blend?

Man: What say you just read my mind, biatch!

VO: Introducing our newest way to keep you from visiting one of our chains, unless you're either retarded or morbidly obese. Or both.

"Sweet Home Alabama" Up and Under . . .

Bar-Bar-Bar-Bar-Barbaro. Funny how every year the Kentucky Derby winner is a shoo-in for the Triple Crown. It's also funny how, right there at the tracks, we still euthanize horses with similar breaks to Barbaro's. One would think we would have made enough medical breakthroughs in the past century or so to obviate that sort of thing. Then again, one would hate to see all those glue jokes suffer. Perhaps there are lobbyists for that. Pony Time.

Got Twins? Consuming milk and other dairy products, it has been discovered, makes your chances of giving birth to twins 5 times more likely! Unless you're a man, of course. That's right, if you're a man you're now just 5 times more likely to throw away all of the dairy products in your fridge. And beat your wife the next time you see her eating yogurt.

If You Saw A Bloodbath At Church Yesterday, This Story Might Open Some Day-Old Wounds: Too soon?

Nagin Avoids Defeat Thanks To The Chocoholic Vote. They do always turn out. New Orleans: Now with even more creamy nougat!

Someone better come forward and tell me where I can get my HeadOn. Oh, what? You haven't heard about HeadOn? Don't play coy with me, whore. I know you've heard about HeadOn. In fact, I heard you talking with some friends at the arcade about HeadOn. So don't even go there. Just man up and give me some goddamned HeadOn. Show me your onions, baby. And then show me that HeadOn. That's what we all came for. No need pretending otherwise.

In other news, I can't believe you haven't heard about HeadOn!! Then again, you are a whorebag, Cvammen.

Oh, and Heather Mills has become sooooo attractive overnight. Or just as soon as they settle.

And as far as MySpace is concerned, it's become clear to me that the same people who claim they visit the site for "friendship" are the same folks telling us they subscribe to Playboy for the "articles". Make no mistake about it; I visit MySpace for the sluts.

I just relocated my main branch to Charleston, SC. The checking is free. The perks are myriad. Especially if you count free checking many times over.

Diabetes Boy Eliminated. Yes, I was wrong about Chris last week. But weren't we all? Simon certainly looked shocked, but not worried Simon gets $36 Mil/yr. and royalties from every contestant. So now it's down to Taylor and Katherine. The Grey Boy can't really sing that well. And Katherine is borrrring. That means smart money is now on Taylor. I just can't imagine Taylor Hicks selling a ton of records. He's fun to watch, but is he that great to listen to? Charm doesn't really come pouring through speakers. I guess we'll find out, though. Back to the ole Insulin grind.

Violence Rocks Gaza Strip! Putting aside their differences, the punk rockers reunited for an '06 Summer Tour, ending their 25-year hiatus. Those lucky enough to see the kickoff show in the Gaza Strip were treated to everything that made their live performances legendary: gun shots, IEDs and religion. Encore!

Your Love Of Chimp Porn May Be Genetic. "My problem is imagining what it would be like to have a pibedal hominid and a chimpanzee viewing each other as appropriate mates. Not to put it too crudely. Or offend Patrick Ewing's wife." Every Which Way But Loose!

Housewife Charged With Killing Husband Feared More Abuse, She Claims. No, I thought she'd testify that things were going swimmingly. That she feared nothing but surprise parties and public speaking. Defense 101.

Cvammen on Cvammen. That lucky Cvammen!

Seriously, I can't believe you don't know about HeadOn.

Since When Did Life In Prison Qualify as a Win? Apparently, Moussaoui hasn't seen one single episode of Oz. You should have been a martyr, Moose. That would have been a "win". But it wasn't to be, so open up and say "ahhhh". Someone's future bitch.

I Had a Match, But She Had a Needle. Mexico turns its 'Book of Law' into one big pinata. Pretty much everything is legal there now. Yep, they took the Outback Steakhouse tagline to heart. So next time you cross the border for a 10 peso handjob through the fence at that elementary school, pick up some heroine to enhance your experience. It's legal, dude. Don't sweat it. No shake. No seeds.

Enjoy Coke. Just Not At Your School. Bill Clinton (and that Schlosser guy) are awfully proud today. The three largest soft drink makers are agreeing to stop offering their sugary products in our nation's schools. It's official: you can now get absolutely nothing out of a public school education. 'Cept shot.

Trade Winds Weaken! Throw your horses overboard! We must make it to America! Okay, so there are other - more relevant - effects of global warming and weakened trade winds . . . Blow, wind, blow.

Smart Money's On Chris . . .

No.

Sorry (again) for the lapse. I'm in the process of moving operations from a small corner in my parents' house and a conspicuous seat at the public library to a house - and office - in Charleston, SC. If anyone wants to help me move, take a number. Seriously, the line is loooong.