Maybe because driving is their handicap. More on this later.

I'm in a public library right now trolling for preteens in the Young Adult section. And what do we have here? Oh my. Enter: girl who seems a bit too curious about a book titled Boy Proof. Exit: me.

KooKoo For Calexico. You can pretty much read the teaser blurb on Pitchfork's homepage and guess within .5 the rating that each album gets. Find phrases like "infectious hooks" "best to date" "underrated" "tiny flourishes" "lush soundscapes" "pure songcraft" and other indie superlatives and you've got yourself an album of at least 7.5. Only when you see the word "brilliant" or "stunning" are you truly approaching 9 points. Conversely, if you see groupings like "lacking the dynamics of its predecesor" "mainstream" "uninspired" "straightforward" "much-hyped" or "I wouldn't be caught dead around the office bopping my head to this album", then you've got something closer to 5. "Har Mar Superstar" and you're closing in on 2. The only thing shocking for me is that the new Calexico isn't "Recommended". I guessed 7.8 because of that. Close. Worth checking out.

Kung Fu Snafu. UGA cops will have none of your ninjatude.

Jacko Fans Have Something To Cheer About. He's refinancing!

April Fools! We Aren't Having Sextuplets After All. But we are having 6 Double Whoppers With Cheese. That's good for some sympathy, right? Classy, classy, classy.

Paltrow and Martin Stick With Biblical References. According to sources really far from the couple, in naming their newborn, they said that "'God' might be asking too much of our son, especially if turns out to have Down Syndrome, and 'Jesus' was simply too Hispanic, so 'Moses' was just an easy choice, really." Asked whether or not their son would be able to part seas, Martin replied, "What do you mean?" Have you heard my new album?

Dateline Really Opening Eyes To MySpace. In case you missed it, here's a very accurate recap and response: I mean very accurate.

Fat-Busting Laser May Help Cellulite, Heart Disease and Acne. In other words, it'll make Star Jones disappear. Well, what are we waiting for?

One Green Jacket Is Never Enough. In what looked to be an extremely exciting back 9, but what turned out to be as boring as watching golf can sometimes be, Phil won his second Masters in 3 years. With Couples putting like me and Rocco Mediate looking like Van De Velde, no one really challenged the medicated Mickelson. Tiger has to be kicking himself. So now the question is 'Will Phil cut his mullet-threatening hair before the next Major?' I'm betting he'll be sporting a Miguel Angel Jimenez before too long.

Pitchfork Interviews Neko Case. Keep your dictionary handy. The actual interview.

A nearly accurate excerpt:

Pitchfork: Sooo, are you related to Nico?

Case: I am Neko.

Pitchfork: No, like Velvet Underground's Nico?

Case: Oh, no.

Pitchfork: The reason I ask is because Chelsea Girls was an album that really changed my life, you know? It came to me at a time of, how do you say, my nadir. It really pulled me out of the darkness. I love Nico.

Case: Oh.

Pitchfork: Anyway, like myself, you seem like somebody who would be especially annoyed by the "American Idol"-ization of modern pop.

Case: You mean the horrible singing?

Pitchfork: Yes! That's exactly what I mean! Oh my God, we should go out!

Case: When I think about Jackie Wilson or the Platters and then I think about modern, Top 40 music that's really horrible, it makes me mad. Singing isn't important anymore. I'm not a genius--

Pitchfork: I am.

Case: Ah, anyway, if I had been around during the time of Jackie Wilson or Rosemary Clooney or Patsy Cline, I would be shit. I would be singing in some bar somewhere for $5 a week and that's as far as I would ever go. But I'm living now and I write songs, it's different.

Pitchfork: Wait, were any of those guys you mentioned blind?

Case: No.

Pitchfork: But you say they were good?

Case: Yes, like I was saying, now there's technology like auto tune and pitch shifting so you don't have to know how to sing. That shit sounds like shit! It's like that taste in diet soda, I can taste it-- and it makes me sick.

When I hear auto tune on somebody's voice, I don't take them seriously. Or you hear somebody like Alicia Keys, who I know is pretty good, and you'll hear a little bit of auto tune and you're like, "You're too fucking good for that. Why would you let them do that to you? Don't you know what that means?" It's not an effect like people try to say, it's for people like Shania Twain who can't sing. Yet there they are, all over the radio, jizzing saccharine all over you. It's a horrible sound and it's like, "Shania, spend an extra hour in the studio and you'll hit the note and it'll sound fine. Just work on it, it's not like making a burger!"

Pitchfork: She's pretty busy making videos and shit though. Hell, yeah. Shit. Shit. Hell. Shit.

Case: It's rough -

Pitchfork: Rough making shit.

Case: She's so rich she could get somebody else to do the other stuff while she spends that extra hour in the studio.

Pitchfork: She's so rich she wipes her ass with dollar bills! She's so rich that, upon setting just one foot in her home, Robin Leach combusted!

Case: Yeah, I get it. Take Madonna! Just hit the note! Don't pretend it's William Orbit being crafty-- we know you're not hitting the note because you have other shit to do. You can do it, I have faith in you. But don't leave the studio before you hit that fucking note.

Pitchfork: She's so rich the Treasury Depart -

Case: Okay. I get it. Anyway, if Celine Dion is supposedly the great singer that she says she is why is there auto tune on every fucking word in her songs? Can't you just hit it, Celine? Do you have another baby book to shoot? You gotta paint your baby to look like a pot of peas? What are you doing that you can't be singing in the studio? It's your fucking job!

Pitchfork: Hey, that baby book is beautiful.

Case: You know that's the grossest thing I've ever seen. That was so nasty I almost had to hate some babies for that. But babies came back and said, "I'm not responsible for this, they made me do it." So I decided that I still love babies.

Pitchfork: You seem to be following this book closely. Should I?

Case: It's so easy to follow! I don't even have a TV or a radio in my house and it's easy to follow.

Pitchfork: Yeah, my only TV is on the radio, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I take it you're not a fan of Auto Tune. Or as I call it "Auto Gay".

Case: I'm not a perfect note hitter either but I'm not going to cover it up with auto tune. Everybody uses it, too. I once asked a studio guy in Toronto, "How many people don't use auto tune?" and he said, "You and Nelly Furtado are the only two people who've never used it in here." Even though I'm not into Nelly Furtado, it kind of made me respect her. It's cool that she has some integrity.

Pitchfork: So you're willing to write off the entire Top 40 at this point? I know I have.

Case: Pretty much.

Pitchfork: What about R. Kelly? Because we give his albums mad points. It's the whole backlash to the backlash thing.

Case: He amuses me from time to time. And I'm not going to say I don't love the new Kanye West record. I do. I'm not going to go, "Kanye's not very good," because he's pretty badass. It's a difference in taste, like the New Pornographers and myself have different taste in production as well but it all works out in the end.

Pitchfork: Do you think if Mass Romantic didn't take off like it did you'd still have a need to make that type music along with your solo stuff?

Case: Definitely. I -

Pitchfork: Because that's what I'm going through with my bandmates right now. They're all post-punk. And I'm all slow-core. We had a gig at Wild Wings the other night and we nearly got in a fight on stage! That's the importance of setlists, huh?

Case: I'm not sure I -

Pitchfork: Who are you currently listening to?

Case: Let's see . . . Martha Wainwright, Feist. And I love Rufus Wainwright. Pretty much any of the Wainwrights. And Eno's Taking Tiger Mountain.

Pitchfork: Wrong and wrong . . . but I'll give you one point for Brian Eno. Does it irk you that you can't play shows with my band?

Case: You mean The New Pornographers?

Pitchfork: Whatever. Let's talk about Can.

David Duval Is 10 Over After 12. Tiger Woods is off to a slow start, as is Jose Maria Olazabel, a guy who always shows up for Augusta. Anyway, watching the final round on Sunday is a treat. So start following the drama today: Home of the $2 sandwiches.

Doc Gooden Back In Jail. The most interesting thing about this story is that he could have forgone time in prison if he agreed to a probation that, in violating it, would have sent him back to prison for 5 years. He chose 1 yr and no new probation. Maybe he's smarter than we think. Nah.

Evolution: 12,347. Creationism: 0. Missing link found in fish's arm/fin. And, no, I'm not talking about Patrick Ewing.

Katie Couric To Co-Anchor CBS Nightly News With Katie Couric's Lips. She's gonna ruin 60 minutes.

Episodes of House That You Shouldn't Bother to Tivo:

1. Common Cold, Pt. 2
2. Whose Bruised Arm?
3. Find The Hangnail
4. Secrets of Menstruation
5. Bless You: The Mysterious Case of The Sneezes
6. Turns Out Nothing's Wrong At All
7. Just a Little Gas
8. Aspirin Should Take Care of It
9. Cancer? Hardly!
10. Required Physicals For Summer Camp
11. Silent Pagers
12. The Taxman Cometh
13. Diarrhea: Cha Cha Cha

MySpace Is Off The Hizzy. Or Rocker. Whatever. Anyway, two of my closest friends on MySpace have recently written great bligs of their own. Jesus addresses God's appearance on Smackdown: From the top ropes!

And then Balwinderjit's Movie Script: Green light it, boys.

Tom Cruise Hates Bullies. According to the psycho, he was teased as a kid, at school and even at home. It kinda makes you feel sorry for the guy. Until you remember who the guy is. One part Jack, one part Ass.

Semi-Famous Man Just Made More Than Famous. That's right, infamous, thanks to a little thing I like to call family-way-too-friendly pornography. If you're too lazy to click on the link, all you need to know is that a Homeland Security aide was busted in a child sex sting. And this from Reuters: The Homeland Security department is one of the federal agencies responsible for investigating child pornography and online exploitation of children, through its immigration and customs unit and the Secret Service. And it's only ironic until you learn that this guy's nickname around the office was "Pedi". At that point, it's just plain sad. But it kinda turns me on.

Obesity In Women Has Leveled Out. Something about reaching the saturation point. Don't worry, boys, you've still got more mountain to climb.

Duke Lax Gets Axe. Now that's an awful headline worthy of the Spartanburg Herald Journal. Anyway, the cancelled season should give the guys some more time to concentrate on raping minorites.

American Idol Eliminates 4 Contestants! Yep, Mandeisel got the boot. Pity, too, because the junk in her trunk included some mighty powerful lungs. God didn't answer all of her prayers, apparently.

Let Me Ride. As you probably know by now, Volkswagen went all Big Lebowski in their latest ads for the GTI, and though this website doesn't let you ride with Peter Stormare (as far as I can tell), you can ride with another hot Nazi. I built this car special like for you: Logjammin'

Swan Lake Rocks. Destroyer (Dan Bejar) teams up to form a Canadian indie lover's version of The Traveling Wilburys. Is that a painter in your pocket?

Ghostface Killah. Pitchfork drops 9 points on the new album. All in the name of street cred.

One More From Pitchfork: RJD2 dates. I've seen Mr. Krohn a couple of times. The first, in NYC, was sick. The second, in Asheville, was not. Let's hope he gets hold of some great coke for these shows (see ya in SC): Mount Pleasure.

Hate My Chutzpah. Hate My Pisk. Hate My Putz. Kobe Steak Bryant goes all Sammy Davis Jewy on us. He shoots, he shhcores.