Something Is Rotting In Reddick. Those of you watching the Blue Devils last night were treated to some mighty fine bitchketball. The Dukies shot about 25%, looked lethargic and handled the ball like a church-league center. It was like they were all battling for the highest trillion. Reddiculoso.

Basketball Aliaseseses. How can you not register as Michael Jordan every time? Or Jesus Christ?

Breaking News: Cheney Likes Fox News! No mention of oil or a battery charger. What Robots Want.

Exit Chef. The episode summed up in a line: "We shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us," Kyle says at the funeral. "We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains." She blinded me with Scientology.

Maverick Jumps Around On Furniture Again. Convincing me, finally, that his love is real and his mind is sane. And his abs are fabulous!

Omega 3 Fatty Acids May Not Be As Phat As Once Thought. So it must be the rice. Want to blow out 100 candles one day?

Tiger Said To Be Trying To Win a Tournament. Which, by the way, is depressing to watch, because the weather there is as dreary as it is here. What happened to spring?


Recipe of the Day:
Emeril's Old-Fashioned Creamed Corn With a Side of Essence

6 ears corn, shucked
4 tablespoons unsalted butter
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 cups water
Salt and white pepper

Use a sharp paring knife to cut the tips of the corn kernels off the cob, keeping as much of the kernel intact on the cob. Transfer the corn tips to a bowl. Using the back of a heavy chef's knife, scrape the corn cobs thoroughly to release the remainder of the corn off the cob into the bowl, making sure to include any released corn "milk" that is released from the corn-cob-wielding rapist.

Heat the butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Once melted, add the corn and flour to the pan and cook, stirring often, until thickened, about 5 minutes. Add some commas. Reduce the heat to medium-low and add the water, salt and pepper, and continue to cook, stirring occasionally. A crust will form on the bottom of the pan from time to time - be sure to scrape the bottom of the pan well when stirring and continue to cook, stirring frequently towards the end, until the corn is very creamy, 30 to 40 minutes. Rub all over your body. Salt and pepper to taste.

Yield: 4 side dish servings, 2 years probation, 7 minutes in Chad Rucker's lap.

Near Bracket Busters. Boston College nearly pulled a Big East yesterday (nice knowing ya, Seton Hall and Syracuse). Gonzaga played like the WCC Champs they are. And I hope you aren't banking on TN at this point. Dunk you very much.

Jacko Closes Down Ride For Good. Neverland Ranch, the wackiest, wettest overnight of your life, is bolted up. This is where, in your best soprano, you let out a big "Awwwww Shucks" Let me ride. But check out the picture: 'Tis hard to walk out with blue balls. Even when you're 8.


Nougat Found To Be Nothing More Than Nebulae. Rich, delicious nebulae. Milky Way.

The Smiths Reject $5 Million To Reunite. During a public interview at the South By Southwest Music & Media Conference in Austin, journalist David Fricke asked Morrissey if he had considered it. Morrissey replied, "No, because money doesn't come into it," a response that drew applause from the crowd. Until they realized their all-time favorite band wasn't going to reunite. Then they did some drugs.

Let's See . . . I'll Have The Moons Over My Hammy . . . And A Bodybag. To Go, Please. Denny's is serving up the freshest blood in town. Grand Slam!

Atkins Diet Minus The 'T'. That low-carb diet you're on will help you fit into that bikini - and coffin. You've never looked deader.

Another McSweeney's List. This one had me giggling like a schoolgirl at recess. Thanks for the list tip, Goldenfiddle!

I don't know about you, but I've got the Lakers losing in the Final Four to the Globetrotters.

Bad Idea Jeans. If you're deaf, it's a good general rule to not hang out around railroad tracks. Choo Choo!

Men and Women Differ When It Comes To Money. Also, men have penises and women have vaginas. But back to the money . . . Women have cooties and no concept of money. Right?

TO Released By Philly. Donovan to celebrate with some Chunky Soup. Make it the Clam Chowder.

86 The Chef. Isaac Hayes quits South Park - and Scientology is to blame. Making fun of retards, Jews, Jesus and gimps is okay, though.

More Scientology Stonewalling? TomKat RS story: Hmmmm.

Daunte Moors His Ship In South Beach. I still say his season is closer to last year's than the year before. He'll go 4th Round to Hobo Bush.

Mike Wallace Retires To Work On His Tan. Or maybe it's because he realized he's almost 90. Tic Toc.

Crestor: Miracle Drug Today. Class Action Lawsuit Tomorrow. But today it's still today. Miracle!

My Vacation Sucked Arse.jpg. Pretty farny. McSweeny's!

Google Mars. If you look closely, you can see NASA's failures. And maybe some of your tax dollars. Life on Mars?

Silver Jews Last Night At Cat's Cradle. David Berman's reluctant star portrayal was Oscar-worthy, Cassie was looking mighty fine and the band sounded less than tight, but definitely good. Edith Frost did not open. And she didn't open in Asheville either. They said she lost her voice, but only a couple of shows into the tour it sounds a bit made-up to me. What I do remember: They played a little over an hour, took a break to smoke and another to deal with Berman's contacts. Highlights: Random Rules (the opener), Smith and Jones Forever, a great Trains Across The Sea, Dallas, I Loved Them Everyone (TG Sheppard Cover), Horseleg Swastikas, Punks in The Beerlight, How Can I Love You If You Won't Lie Down, There Is a Place and then some others that I can't recall right now. Anyway, there is another place where you can download their sets from The 40 Watt and maybe The Earl. It's right here (if it's not, scroll down) : ATLBloggers Site.

Who In The Hell Is TG Sheppard? This is who in the hell he is.

Rucker: I'll bring the winning brackets over tomorrow. And some lube.

The Oscars Got It All Wrong. Crash wins Best Picture? Come on. Paul Haggis seems like such a hack. And wasn't this movie ridiculously heavy-handed? Give me gay love in a lean-to over that formula any day of the week. No Oscar for the Oscars: You're black therefore you steal.

Engineer Robson. A great friend of mine on MySpace documents his talks with an "African" who needs an American bank account to deposit his riches into. Hilarious: He's good for it.

Just When You Think It Can't Get Any Worse For The Super Family. Kinda makes you think your life isn't so bad after all. Then again, I never was faster than a speeding bullet. And I suck at flying.

Yanni Beats His Girlfriend (BF?) After Catching Her In Bed With Kenny G. Oh, and absolutely crucial to your understanding of this story is that Yanni told police that he thinks he "may have injured his finger during the incident". My money says it got caught on something when he scratched her. The horror!

Brad Renfro, A Dolly Grip's Dolly Grip. Okay, but certainly a cliche. Heroine? Now, that's original!

Apparently, We're All Doomed To Darkness. 'Cept Brad Renfro. I'm skeerd.

I'll be gone for a couple of days. I'm going to pummel somebody into liking me. Til my return, buy some of my cards to the left over there.

NASA Blasts Away What Little Ice Was Left In Antarctica With a $7 Billion De-Icer. But, again, I didn't really read the article. I mean, the picture pretty much tells the story. Well played, son. Well played.

That's Some Squirrel. SugarBush!Bush!

Does Paula Abdul Write For The New York Daily News? Either way, Chappelle should light a ciggy after this review of Block Party: Was it good for you?

Brownie Calls For Buzzard's Resignation. Seriously, Michael Chertoff is two wings short of not being shot by Dick Cheney. Ca-caw.
It's Not a Sandwich. Props, not quite mad, but props none the less, go out to the new Nextel commercial (new to me). The one where the skier falls into the crevasse. Is that a sandwich? The old man crawling out of the hole at the first sound of "sandwich" is pretty darn funny. And no props whatsoever go out to the boring, old Raisin Bran Crunch campaign. It's not only stupid, but worse, it's annoying.

The Judges Swayed The Votes. That Jose dude who was just booted from American Idol is better than half of the boys who are still singing their little fame-craving hearts out. And had it not been for Simon and Co. badmouthing Jose's Stevie Wonder performance, he might still be alive. Instead, we get to hear an extra from Freaks and Geeks (Kevin) go through puberty for one more week. Let's just hope that's all it is. Song Choice.

Sway Conspiracy? Maybe.

Vagina Conspiracy? Definitely.

The Replacements? Is the NFL heading for a lockout? Have they even thought about what this is going to do to Hobo Bush, not to mention the other fantasy teams out there? Hobo Bush would have no choice but to actually get some work done. Damn.

Not On The Office Bandwagon Yet? Dwight's Mussolini speech last night was moving. Fascist. But moving. Is he the most entertaining character on the show? I know I'd like to sleep with him to find out. Must See TV.

Dwight's MySpace page: Schrute

Want A Fake Username and Password For The Times? Or just about any other website out there? I know I do. Bug Me.

Gary Glitter's Hit Song "I'm Going To Jail For 3 Years For Molesting a Couple of 11 Year Old Viet Congs" Is At The Top Of The Charts. And Tipper Gore's watch list. Love the melody.

And if any of yous missed it:

Moesha Goes Psycho On The Bachelor. I saw one episode of this show: the final one. And all I want to know is who chiseled Travis' face? The man looks like Claymation. And who names their Caucasian child Moana? Folks, it's not even her stage name - and we all know that whore has one. Cry to me. On second thought, cry to him.

Greg Gumbel's Brother Goes Racist On HBO. The best observation since this story came out (actually, it aired on HBO's Real Sports a couple of weeks ago) belongs to Howard Stern who said that he thought Bryant Gumbel was actually white. Anyway, you should read this if you missed it: Bryant!