Silent But Deadly. Jens Lekman has recently rocked me to my core, to borrow a phrase from The Bachelor 2's Lackawanna. So I went searching the web. BTW, tons of porn out there, guys! Anyway, I've found a little video to "You Are The Light" - not my favorite song, but some choice lyrics, no doubt: Nice armor!

Out of Site (His). Dude, his site has a fair amount of songs to download from various tour-only EPs. And, in the future, a kick-anus tee. But you need to pick up his new album. I ignored it and regret it. It's like listening to 69 Love Songs for the first time. Well, almost. Downloads: Download some tight shiite.

Shrigley Pushes The Panic Button. Too late?

In summary, if you're penurious, drop the 99 cents on "Maple Leaves". Then donate some of your iron-defecient blood and pick up the new "best of" album. Also, David Shrigley is still relevant.

But Will Every Johnny Utah Get His Own Page On IMDB? Yonteff is pretty much supplying all (though that may be too grand of a word seeing as how my blig is essentially a weekly) of the content for Cold Coffee and Facials (the name of the Keller's Kards blig). This just in: the best show in the history of best shows! Point Break And Cue Cards!

Breaking News: Pitchfork Loves Liars. An excerpt, because their reviews are way too fucking long: But my favorite detail of this feel-good story-- popular Brooklyn post-punk band falls out of favor by changing directions and ultimately produces an album that eclipses its debut-- is that Liars are still waltzing along on their own terms. This, their third LP, shows zero concessions to the criticisms they received from publications like Spin and Rolling Stone, who awarded They Were Wrong their lowest possible marks. Succeeding rather than regressing or retreating, Liars have had the last laugh: Drum's Not Dead is a majestic victory lap, and on all levels, a total fucking triumph. Buy it cuz they said so.

Pitchfork Also Loves Those Word-of-the-Day Calendars. And I'm guessing the word on their office's calendar on Monday was 'Labyrinthine'. Here's hoping the word on Friday is 'Renal Failure'. I'd really like to see the guys work that one into their verse.

Today (from the Liars review) 1st paragraph: The acoustically rich radio facility in the former East Germany boasts a labyrinthine system of rooms, each with its own distinct acoustic advantages. - Brandon Stosuy

Monday (from the Destroyer review) 1st paragraph: It wasn't until I actually sat down and gave Destroyer's Rubies a few good listens that the aptness of such a rumor really hit me: The album is structurally complex, thematically dense, and labyrinthine in its self-referentiality. - Matt Lemay

Best Buy. Late Story. The mega-chain was offering many of your Indie faves for the hobo-friendly price of $7.99. They cut deals with record labels like Merge and Matador, something that incensed more than a few in the Indiestry. But it kind of excited me, because I've netted like $80/month for the past 8 months. But then I got to the end of this story about how we should support our local music stores and found out that the promotion over at Best Buy is over. Those bastards! Anyway, point of my story: Pitchfork coulda helped a brotha out by covering this during the promotion. Also, when at all possible, shop at Best Buy. It's a lovely experience. I mean, lonely.

No No No. No No No. EPSN is getting it all wrong yet again. First, they won't shut the fuck up about Barry Bonds. Is he retiring? Will he be in the Hall of Fame? Will he pass Hank Aaron? Will he distract his team? Will he endorse Proactive? Will he eat egg salad for lunch? TEnough! The only people who care live in California and Bristol. How do you not realize that? But, ESPN, that is not your biggest flub. No, that would have to be showing the Accenture Match Play Whatchamacallit all afternoon, pushing PTI out of the rotation. Don't you guys own like forty channels. How about pushing the golf to the Deuce or putting PTI over there? Yesterday you had coverage of some gripping poker on there. Again, Pardon The Interruption is your best show. Don't put it in the corner.

Chris Penn's Toxicology Report Suggests He May Have Been Moonlighting As a Pharmacist. I'm no expert, but I've been watching a lot of CSI and Criminal Intent and figure that's what Goren or that Albino would have speculated, then proven true with the help of a 14th century manuscript found near the scene and a stunning admission from Sean. Case closed.

WHNS: A Goldmine of Gold and Journalism and Stuff. What's the hottest story of the year after Cheney's facial? Two words. Well, really one. Let's call it one and a half: MySpace. Vanity Fair has a fascinating story that pretty much hits the nail on the head. And includes some quotes from the coolest cat in LA, Hobie Hasselhoff. Fortunately for us, WHNS is now on the tip:

My Space is exactly what the name says, a little corner of the world that's all yours. You can post your pictures, your friend's pictures, and even keep a sort of diary called a blog. All of it' s free and in full view for anyone to see. If you have ever watched it; it happens quick. We got approaches pretty fast by the predators. So we went to the mall to hear what kids think.

Although the food court was half empty it was full of My Space users and here's what they had to say about this website: "It' s addicting; I'm on it like all day all the time;" "Every day I check it at least 2 or 3 times a day;" "Addicting, very very addiciting;" "I think it' s a little outrageous; everyone in high school is on it."

A couple of things: Why the negativity? Why not see the food court as half-full? And if it's half-empty how can it be full of anything? Oh, WHNS, you always give us an unbiased, fair perspective on the Upstate. The other thing, and I think it's a bit funny, is that you say "If you've ever watched it; it happens quick. We got approaches pretty fast by predators." Okay, I use MySpace, granted it's to prey on preteens, but I'm in the minority, I imagine, and, anyway, I'm betting the 'fast approach' was by none other than Tom, one of the founders of MySpace. His picture turns up as a friend on your profile page whenever you open an account. It may be creepy, but it's not predatory. I digress, visit my profile (kellerskards) if you have small, soft hands. And just need a good friend who understands that your parents are sucky.

Part 2 of The WHNS MySpace Invasion: The guys over at Fox (WHNS) went a-lookin' for some people they found on MySpace in the Greenville area. They wanted to show how easily a perp could go online and track down innocent young girls, like Amber, a Hooters employee: She's only twenty but some of her pictures look very adult. She listed both of her jobs. One at a photography studio and another here at Hooter's. We went inside and asked . . . and had some delicious wings. Seriously, her job kinda hurts your story's credibility. Let me guess: the next innocent girl you found was working at Platinum Plus, no? Anyway, Amber, if you're out there, check out my profile and bring me my damn wings. I ordered them like 30 minutes ago. God, I could just kill somebody! But who? And where could I find an endless supply of people to murder?

Hobie's (from Baywatch) MySpace page: Hobie!

My page (must be atleast 12 to enter): Kellerskards!

South Dakota Residents Stocking Up on Coat Hangers. Did Dirty Dancing teach us nothing? Jerry Orbach is spinning in his grave.

American Idol Stealing Male Votes. For real, what was up with that Bobby character? And that 14 yr old? And Paula slurping every Joe with vocal chords? You kept true to yourself and that's what this competition is about.

The vote-stealing pics: She's got a great voice.

Did Koonce get a new job? Are they really paying fluffers that much these days? What is all this madness?

No blogging. But they didn't say anything about bligging, right? Anywho, I've been on the road all week (kinda) so my posts have become scarce again. That will change next week. I should have some goodies for you. Given my readership, I feel like I should thank myself. A few more dead weeks like the past two and my blig is gonna turn into a real diary: never read by anyone other than its author. And the occasional curious girlfriend. Honestly.

In the meantime, click on that "stereotatting" link to the left. You might like it. Again. I've got to go . . . the guy next to me has Third World Breath. So I guess have a good weekend or whatever. Enjoy the gay parade that is The Olympics. And don't you go shootin' anyone in the face!

Newsbreak:

Cheney Goes Hunting With A Man Who Apparently Looks Like A Quail. This has to be the best news story of the year thus far. VP Dick Cheney, a self-denied evil robot, takes matters into his own hands on a ranch in Texas. So much for warning shots: Pull!

Janet Gretzky Gambles and Loses. Come on lucky 7! Nooo!

Cold Tub. Avalanche bowls over a bunch of Geishas. It's getting cold in here.

Warning: May Enable You To Party All Night Long. ADHD drugs may be getting a new warning. Ritalin!

Man Has Legal Sex With Toddler. Toddler Births Child. Tough love.

Curious George Apparently Curious About Murder. Yellow hat found at crime scene.

WHNS: Always a Source For News That's Fit to Print. David Brown is almost fifty but according to investigators say he likes his woman a lot younger...fourteen years old to be exact. Deputies say Brown asked a fourteen year old girl to have sex with him via the Internet, but actually that girl turned out to be a grown man, who also happens to be a lead investigator with the Westminster police. The two men then spent the next 7 hours making passionate love. Without lube.

Get 'Em While They're Smoking Hot. Explosive new T-Shirts hit our shores. Let's hope they're the only thing. Kaboom!

43-yr old Vargas Expecting. A stillbirth. Well, she is an anchor at ABC. Was that wrong?

Til I figure out this thing (most likely my computer) here is that Hedberg link: http://mitchhedberg.net/memorialbb/viewtopic.php?t=1843

Ha Ha Ha Sundance. This is a good spot, from what I hear. I can't even watch it cuz I'm on a computer from 1987. Tell me all about it. In Word '95, please. Short film.

Passion of the Charcoal. Someone in Alabama is taking their 60s-themed party a little too seriously.http://www.abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=1593114&page=1

Lines at Soup Kitchens a Little Shorter Today. Apple slashes the price of their iPods to lure street urchins into your neighborhood Best Buy. No doubt, Rucker is pissed about the price he paid for his Shuffle.Liquid Crack Stock Rises. Hey, hobos, go ahead and make it two iPods! http://abcnews.go.com/Business/wireStory?id=1593595

Bush Speaks Out About a Subject Near and Dear To His Heart: Cartoons. Let's just be thankful they've never seen Family Circus. Talk about your riots!http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=10000103&sid=a67sYV6uePcU&refer=us

Hedberg Memorial. "I know why they made Flinstones vitamins - because when I was a kid I used to watch Fred Flinstone and think 'Damn, I think I'd be healthy if I ate that guy'." Click on the zip file. And thank Yonteff when you see him.

"I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again, but you're late. I wait around and then I run to the door, I can't take any more it's not you, you let me down again.

- The Foundations Buy it for Mary.

It's really Tuesday, February 7th.
Ah, where the hell was Mike Holmgren after the game?

Another Super Bowl has come and gone. This last one a size XL. That size, of course, only referring to the pomp and circumstance surrounding the "big game". Gotta love ole ESPN with its 6 hour gameday covergage. Not to mention their hours and hours of coverage leading up to the busiest pizza delivery day of the year.

So I'm sure you're wanting to know exactly why the Seahawks lost the game. Or, rather, what was that one defining play that sent them back to Seattle empty-handed, save their millions of dollars. Simple. It was their introduction. They came running out of the tunnel and onto the field to The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony". Nice call, brass.

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life. Trying to make ends meet, trying to find some money, then you die. I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down - you know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah!

Hell Yeah! So anyway, coming out to that song was mistake numero uno. Los otros? Ah, pretty much all those damned penalties. And the punter never being able to pin the Steelers back. And those penalties. And dropped balls. And maybe the penalties. And the refs. At any rate, the game was quite boring, though the Randle El pass was pretty cool. Been done, but pretty keul (v. The Browns, I believe). Speaking of 'been done', one of the better ads from last night had been done before. Thanks to Goldenfiddle, I remembered it and have a sampling of it right cheer: Big Ad!

But back to last night. Yes, it's Budweiser. Yes, the collective "aaahh" at the end was unnecessary. Yes, their other ads were reprehensible. But this one was relevant, and despite being a clone, somewhat clever. On one side of the stadium you have the empty glass, on the other, a full beer. You know the rest. And you probably knew the rest the second you saw the setup. Still, though, not bad. The Wave!

But I should preface (or should've) all of this by saying that picking the standout from last night's ads is like picking an MVP from last night's game. Not an easy task. They all kinda sucked nuts, including the Emerald Nuts one. Deeez Nuts!

Super Bowl XL Commercial Breakdown:

Creamed Corn (The stuff that somehow managed to rise to the top.)

Sprint Crime Deterrent - Best thing I've seen for a legit wireless company (ie. a big company) in many a moon. Funny. Not laugh out loud, but funny enough. I'm putting it here for the category alone.

Sierra Mist - As much as I dislike Kathy Griffith or whatever that ubiquitous hobag's name is, I liked the "whaa whaa" sound effects and the overall message of the ad. And I've always liked McKinley, well, since Wet Hot American Summer. This is for you! (It's from Crate & Barrel)

Pretty (Pretty funny, pretty decent or pretty something.)

Budweiser/Carlton - Nice steal. Had it been original, it would have been the best of the night.

Sprint Benny Hill - Not as good as the other Sprint ad, but I give them points for trying. And points for reminding me that Benny Hill was never really my cup of tea. How about a little Player, though?

Bud Light Bear Attack - Didn't mind this for what it was. But!! Please, guys, end your ads like 5 seconds earlier. We do not need to see the guys reunite. The funniest thing to happen in your ad was the running-like-mad guy stealing the beer out of nowhere from his friend and the bear. That was funny. Leave the rest to my imagination. Don't waste money on shredding up old vests and shooting superfluous scenes.

Cub Cadet - For those who want more ER. Oooh, I love that show! Wonder what Goose is doing. Okay, you got me, this ad was unbearable.

Disney Practice - Where the players practice saying "I'm going to Disney World." Didn't mind this for some strange reason. Kinda liked seeing Joey Porter in the hot tub. Maybe I'm gay. Who knows and who cares.

Whatevs (Whatever, guys. Keep on doing that fine job you're doing.)

Fed Ex Cavemen - Okay, nice try, but the drama was in the dialogue. Did we really need the sight gags of a guy kicking a small dinosaur only to then be crushed by a larger one? And if being crushed under the foot of a ginormous dinosaur is something that might happen to you on a day to day basis, do you really think cavemen would walk around so lackadaisically? Nope. 'Cause if they did, we would all be dinosaurs right now and humans would be extinct. But I did like the dialogue.

Hidden Budlight - I'll give it a few points just for the guy punching through the sheetrock. Nice touch.

Don't Judge Too Quickly - Fine. I waited and it still blew. Though, I did think the girl releasing the balloon was spot on. Is this Ameriquest? Seriously, I've never caught the product in this campaign. Is that a problem?

Bud Light Roof Fixers - I liked the idea. But the joke went too far. Remember what I said about ending the spot 5 seconds earlier? George Constanza Stand Up 101, dude.

Career Builder - I like monkeys and I like Twisted Sister, but I don't necessarily like them together. As for the other spot, the "I work with jackasses" spot . . . yeah, not sold on that idea. Maybe for next year the two humanoids can get together and make love in a blissful, monkey and jackass-free office. That would be lovely.

Dove's Ugly Kids - Those heinous 4th graders needed to get off my TV screen. Stat. They have no business parading around with acne and love handles and freckles and glasses like there's nothing wrong with the way they are. I mean, what message are we trying to send to our kids? That it's okay to be ugly? That you won't get wedgies if you wear glasses and are a little overweight? That being hot sucks? Listen: take it from me, being hot rocks. It's like being able to fly and ride rainbows and stuff. Being skinny with a clear complexion is unbeatable. Looking good in a bathing suit will take you as far as any sane person needs to go.

Michelob Ultra Amber Tackle - Nice seeing a lady get her clock cleaned. Not nice seeing the retaliation. If they knew anything about football, they'd know that if anyone gets penalized it's the guy, or gal in this case, doing the retaliating. I threw my flag on that one.

Hummer Monster - I do like me some Micky and Sylvia, but I think this spot lost most of its potential somewhere. Maybe the drawing boards. Don't know. Nice idea, though. A little monster. It just didn't really do it for me, Jerry.

Tacoma Gets Its Salad Tossed By Ocean - I want a Tacoma so I won't have to worry about where I park it. Like one time, in my old car, I parked it on the sun and when I came back it was gone. SC tag IDI 476 if you happen to run across it.

Aleve Spock Alone - Despite one of my favorite friends, dare I say one of the brightest and sexiest gals I know, loving this spot, I didn't really care for it. Maybe it was over my head. I will say it is waaay better than most arthritis ads. There.

Whopperettes - This one was closer to being just plain bad. Its saving grace was definitely the making of a Whopper. Girl piled upon girl, layer after layer of goodness. Everything else was lame with a capital booo - even if it was intentionally kitschy. The CP&B backlash has hit its stride. But I'd still sell my rectum to work there. That is, if I hadn't already sold it. Which reminds me, Cvammen, dude, you still owe me $7.00.

ESPN Phone - The coolest thing? Summer Breeze, baby. What a damn fine song. Yonteff must have been behind that spot. Not because it sucked, but because of the song. Or was that Summer Breeze?

Bad (You should have just crapped on a plate and spent all the money on blow.)

Bud Light Magic Fridge - The "magic fridge is back" line is chuckley, but the ad itself was definitely "the only one that wasn't killed."

Jack Box Outlaw Burger - We need to outlaw the use of this adjective in describing American food.

Mastercard MacGyver - This campaign had legs. Just like Stephen Hawking had legs.

Jeep Penguin - I get it. You can drive your Jeep anywhere and it's totally cool cuz it's a Jeep. And penguins will start hitching rides from you and you'll start eating whale blubber and driving over igloos and clubbing Eskimos and reading Into the Wild. Or you'll just pick the kids up from piano lessons. Cuz you can. Cuz you're in a Jeep.

The Aspiring Clydesdale - This thing has more vagina in it than a YWCA. Soooo sappy. Sooo easy. Sooo clumsy. Is this a light beer? An ad from Hasbro? The sentimental/inspirational stuff was great after 9/11. Acceptable around the holidays. But this mystique you're trying to create ain't working. That's not a heartstring you're pulling, that's your tampon.

The Streaking Lamb - Wait, I take it back. This ad was genius. And nice work with the Brokeback Mountain allusion. So funny. Lambs' butts are hilarious. Somebody pass the lotion. I did not need to see that. Well said, Heath.

Motopebl - Was that the beginning of Amelie or Adaptation we were watching? Note to my wireless provider: I do not want a phone that was created eons ago. Or one that looks like I should hide my keys in it.

The Other Disney Ad - Just give us the money shot: Space Mountain.

Go Daddy - No daddy. I won't, daddy. Somebody throw those double Ds some beads and get her out of here.

Escalade - I liked the part when it was over. Though I must say black was an interesting choice of colors.

Overstock.com - Why was there a handicapped logo at the bottom of an ad for an online retailer? For that alone I penalize them 25 yards.

Mach 19 Fusion Gillette Fuck All Blades - I got an email forwarded to me today reminding me of the Onion headline from a while back. From this Onion article: Fuck all! At any rate, I didn't need to be reminded. That blade shit is getting out of hand. 6 blades on this thing! You're more likely to get through security with a Sierra Mist than with a Gillette Fusion. Leroy Brown wouldn't mess around with this thing. It certainly wouldn't fit in his shoe. It even takes batteries. What the fuck do the batteries do? Um, wild guess, but . . . turn into more blades? And if the one blade on the back is for hard to reach, finesse areas, doesn't that mean that this one blade beats five? Call me when you've got seven. Til then it's my Sensor, baby.

Toyota Bilingual Papa Hybrid Cutesy Bullshit - Not a big fan. Far worse than Kermit's take on the same subject. And that's saying a lot.

Diet Pepsi Brown and Bubbly - If it's brown, flush it down. That's what the brains behind this campaign should have done long ago. Jay Mohr was funnier on Last Comic Standing. And, again, that's saying a lot. Diddy. Isn't that the past tense of Puffy?

Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme - My friend, Matt Ferebee, was in this ad. Swear to you, that had to be him crunching into that Mexican delicacy to the sounds of Spandau Ballet. Almost gave this one a higher score due to the song. Almost.

Diet Pepsi Jackie Chan Stunt Double - Oh, Jackie Chan, we shouldn't have ever known ya.

Blockbuster Online AKA CPR for a Dying Brand - A few years back, I was glad to see Blockbuster get a little competition when Netflix arrived, and now I guess I'm glad to see Netflix get a little competition in return. But the ads sucked.

Full Throttle - I'm cranking my remote into overdrive to change the channel as fast as is humanly possible. I'm also mixing this with the house vodka as we speak. Wanna fiiiite?

Pizza Hut Jessica Simpson - She's hot. We know. But tell me how I'm supposed to eat this pizza after I've ripped all the crust off the thing. It looks like a catastrophe. Not to mention, absolutely disgusting.

World Baseball Classic - Ugh. I will not be there for my country if I have to paint my face like that. And no network or marketing can convince me to care all that much about these games. See Olympics.

Degree - Yawn.

All Those Movie Trailers - Diarrhea. Pure unadulterated diarrhea. If such a thing exists. The Tim Allen movie, Shaggy Dog, with Chris Berman announcing was inappropriate. There's really no other way to put it. Horrible. And was that Phillip Seymour Hoffman hanging with Tom Cruise in MI:3? Poseidon. The adventure just ended if you're me. Uggh. And they say the movie industry is struggling, yet they fork over nearly as much money as AB yesterday.

Final Notes:

Next year's Super Bowl will be sponsored by Bud Light.

Aretha Franklin shamed Aaron Neville.

Sharpie may soon be facing some Antitrust lawsuits.

Was that ESPN's payroll they were introducing before the "big game"?

When Harrison Ford drops acid he turns into Ed Bradley.

Too bad 40 in Roman numerals isn't XS.

When Chad Rucker drops acid he ends up at the ER (love that show) thinking he has pieces of furniture lodged up his bum.

When Chad Rucker doesn't drop acid he ends up at the ER knowing.

Who am I? I'm just a bitter old man who couldn't hack it in the ad world.

Yes, I plan on posting today. I'm sorting through my notes just now (which are exhaustive). Check back this afternoon for the commercial extravaganza. You shall not be disappointed. One early note: The Budweiser ad that borrowed heavily from the Carlton ad a year or so ago (if I can remember correctly) saved the American brewery from their worst advertising in recent history (and I'm not counting Bud Light, strictly the hard stuff). Oh, and congrats to Jerome Bettis. Hey, that's a fresh storyline.