What happened to the regular postings? I'll tell you what ha happen! A rather unpleasant divorce and child custody ha happen. And then a triple homicide. I owe you one, Cvammen. I should be back in the saddle sometime after the Super Bowl with my annual "What the fuck were they thinking when they greenlighted that $2 million spot?" segment. You won't want to miss it. Because it's the fill in the blank network.

Uh, what's happening CC? They still call it the White House, but that's a temporary condition, too. Can you dig it, CC? To each his reach and if I don't cop, it ain't mine to have, but I'll be reachin' for ya', cause I love ya, CC. Right on. There's a lot of chocolate cities around. We've got Newark, we've got Gary. Somebody told me we got L.A. and we're working on Atlanta, but you're the capital, CC. Gainin' on ya! Get down! Gainin' on ya! Movin' in and on ya . . . gainin' on ya! Can't you feel my breath, heh, gainin' on ya! All up around your neck, heh, heh. Hey, CC! They say your jivin' game, it can't be changed, but on the positive side, you're my piece of the rock and I love you, CC. Can you dig it? Hey, uh, we didn't get our forty acres and a mule, but we did get you, CC, heh, yeah. Gainin' on ya. Movin' in and around ya. God bless CC and its vanilla suburbs. Gainin' on ya!

And when they come to march on ya, tell 'em to make sure they got their James Brown. And don't be surprised if Ali is in the White House. Reverend Ike, Secretary of the Treasure. Richard Pryor, Minister of Education. Stevie Wonder, Secretary of FINE arts and Miss Aretha Franklin, the First Lady. Are you out there, CC? A chocolate city is no dream, it's my piece of the rock.

I'm waiting for iTunes to get my music back up - then you can sample and download just one song from a link on thisa here site. - Keller Send a custom card!

First, I don't care if you're gay or straight or black or white. I'm too busy caring about myself to waste time considering others. So that's that.

And as for the bum reference a couple of days ago, it was blindly directed toward a few ex-coworkers. To bring you up to speed, mom, one morning last week at the ole agency, a veteran female writer was greeted by a masturbating hobo. There she was waiting for the elevator in the garage. And there he was in the corner looking her up and down, up and down, up and down. Yikes. As a greeting, it beats a flashlight shining your company's name on the floor, I suppose.

We Are Stardust. We Are Borrrring. $250 million invested in this program? Hmmm. I'm all for science, like building volcanoes that explode with baking soda or whatever that stuff was, but this is a bit much. Sure, it'd be nice to know the origins of our Solar System, but as with our Mars and moon explorations, I feel like we have bigger fish to fry down here. On earth. Still, you do have to marvel at the fact that our space program can safely land an unmanned capsule that is returning from collecting stardust from the tails of comets, yet has the darndest time getting a manned ship even out of our atmosphere. Yeah, I know, the first capsule's parachute never opened. Still, 50/50. Gotta like those chances. On a side note, who thinks NASA (or some of the cash thrown at it) could help our commerical airlines out of their funk? http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/space/01/15/stardust/index.html

The Colts Lose Despite The Refs Best Efforts. Troy Zihuatanejo intercepted that ball. No doubt about it. At any rate, justice was served, thrillingly served. No one wanted Bettis to have to wake up with that on his broad, hunky shoulders, anyway. Panthers all the way? Seriously, who killed Jesus and made Steve Smith God? Only kidding. I really don't even know that means. Alls I do know is that it's anyone's Superbowl now. 'Cept Hobo Bush's. http://www.forbes.com/entrepreneurs/feeds/ap/2006/01/16/ap2452076.html

XXX-Terra. Spartanburg man gets ticketed for playing hardcore porn in his car's DVD player. The judge was considering charging him for distributing porn, due to the fact that he was cruising around broadcasting it to whomever may have pulled up next to him at a stoplight, but decided against it. Clearly, though, the most interesting aspect of this story is with the porn itself. So what fine flick was this gentleman watching? You guessed it! Booty Talk 43. Okay, so I'm sure that leaves you with a lot of questions. Like are there really 42 (at the least) more Booty Talks out there? And which is the best Booty Talk? Is there a diehard Booty Talk 1 fanbase that, because of liberties taken with the plotline, refuses to acknowledge the merits of the double-digit Booty Talks? Do all Booty Talks use the same actors? Same directors? Same lube? And do any booties ever actually talk in these movies? Someone needs to get to the bottom of all this. Chuck Norris? http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=4357610

More Chuck (In Case You Missed It Last Time) . . . http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

Brokeback Mountain Coming To Upstate SC. Link On This Blig About Protesters Coming Shortly After. I gwarantee it. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=4357548

Eminem Making The Biggest Mistake Of His Career For Like The 5th Time. It's safe to say that the couple's first dance was not to "Kim". Also safe to say a few guests were packing heat. And maybe, just maybe wearing some gold. http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,18159,00.html?fdnews

After This Commercial Break, Chad Rucker Tells Us How DAP Changed His Life. Stay tuned!

If You Take The Other Guy Out Of The Picture, You Look Like You're Praying. Just ask Rucker. As expected, the upstate of South Carolina has openly embraced the "controversial" movie Brokeback Mountain. And with laudable comic timing, Truth Ministry threw up a few One Show-worthy billboards. The gist of the headline? Don't be a Gay. Be a Christian. I guess if we can't be entertained at the movies, we might as well be entertained while we run errands. Want the truth? See ya in hell. http://www.truthministry.com/

Marcus Vick ISO Agent. But first, a fucking brain. They're called endorsements, dude. Or in terms you can understand, "bling-getters". That you're talented no one will argue. That you're smart no one will argue either. There is absolutely no excuse for your tomthuggery. You might be a brotha, but you're not your brotha. Shut the fuck up and play some ball, bitch. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/10779970/

We're slowly but surely coming back . . . stay tuned.

The Greatest Team In The History Of The World Lost A Close One To What Now Must Be The Greatest Team In The History Of The World. Will SportsCenter devote the next two weeks comparing "this Texas team" to the Four Horsemen, The Crimson Tide of 1832 or the 'Canes of the late '90s? Or will it let us vote for the greatest single-game performance ever and have Vince Young's name on the ballot twice? Know what? I've got this crazy theory that USC's defense fucking sucks. Ever think about that Lee Corso? Ever take the dick out of your mouth long enough to listen to that theory, Stuart Scott? The Trojans play defense like the Washington Generals.

Sep  3  2005 at Hawaii                   W      63-17   50000
Sep 17  2005    ARKANSAS                 W      70-17   90411
*Sep 24  2005 at Oregon                  W      45-13   59129
*Oct 01  2005 at Arizona State           W      38-28   71706
*Oct 08  2005    ARIZONA                 W      42-21   90221
Oct 15  2005 at Notre Dame               W      34-31   80795
*Oct 22  2005 at Washington              W      51-24   64096
*Oct 29  2005    WASHINGTON STATE        W      55-13   92021
*Nov 05  2005    STANFORD                W      51-21   90212
*Nov 12  2005 at California              W      35-10   72981
Nov 19  2005    FRESNO STATE             W      50-42   90007
*Dec 03  2005    UCLA BRUINS             W      66-19   92000
Jan 04  2006 vs Texas                    L      38-41   93986

* Denotes a game in which Reggie Bush ran for more than 7 TDs;
the number after the score reflects the times an announcer on ESPN
uttered the phrase "Folks, you're witnessing history."

No shutouts. No team held under 10 points. Arizona State racking up 4 TDs?! If you can hold USC's ridiculous offense to under 40 points, you're pretty much gauranteed a game. That's all that Texas did (with the exception of getting some lucky bounces). They kept Bush in check and pressured Matt enough to limit his deep ball. And, yes, Vince Young had his prefect game. But if God is lucky to be picking the grass out of V's cleats today, what was God doing after V's game against Texas A&M? 13 of 24 passing for 162 yds. 1 TD, 1 INT and 11 rushes for 19 yds. That was Young's last game before the Big 12 Championship against the Colorado Vaginas. How soon we forget. So let the on-air fellatio begin over at ESPN and let the absurdly long and ubiquitous Official Commemorative Longhorn Championship Photo Album With Every New Subscription To SI commericals begin, as well.

We'll Be Back In A Few Days.