This story first appeared in Link, my new favorite thing to add to my recycling:

Halloween isn't just about putting razors and rat poison in the candy you hand out. No, it's about masquerading and socializing. Anyone who doesn't own eight cats or an iguana has a party to attend. That means getting dressed up to show the opposite sex, if that's your bag, what a fun, clever person you are. In other words, don't show up to the party as a pirate searching for "booty". And don't go as Superman in a wheelchair . . . or a coffin these days, I guess. That's what we in the costume business call "been done". And don't pull the "I'm too cool to dress up for Halloween" crap. No one is too cool to dress up for Halloween. Except anyone who does drugs. Doing drugs is cool. Anyway, what you need to remember is that you want to be the life of the party. You want people to wish they were you - or wish they were with you. The more relevant the costume, the more awesome the costume. Here are my best bets for Halloween 2006:

John Mark Karr: Remember that Michael Jackson costume you had with the Cabbage Patch Doll sewn to the crotch of your leather pants? Wear those. And use a little rouge for your cheekbones.

George Bush: All you need is a head and an asshole. Take the former and insert into the latter. Also, maybe kill some people at your party who you suspect might be up to no good. But if you're a huge W fan, just tell everyone your going as the head of the Democratic Party and then don't show up. They'll get the joke at some point.

The Party's Host: Find that one thing about your host that he or she is really self-conscious about and celebrate it. For instance, if your host has a big nose and has secretly been thinking about rhinoplasty, put on a huuuuge nose and go around the party telling everyone you're "glad they could come". It's a guaranteed way to get a lot of laughs - and future invitations.

Nudist: Take off your clothes and kick back in your host's favorite upholstered chair. Grab some Cheetos. Maybe some bean dip. Make yourself at home. You're a nudist. You're used to people staring at your shriveled, clammy body.

The Hamburglar Who Realized Hamburgers Aren't Worth Much on the Black Market: This is a great one for parties at nice houses. Find an old-fashioned, black and white jailbird suit. To be true to your character, make your entrance by climbing through a window. Also, go into rooms that are clearly not intended for the party and rummage through medicine cabinets and jewelry boxes. Take what you think is most valuable. You can pawn the things the next day to remain true to your character. If questioned, your blanket response should be "robble, robble, robble".

Blackface: Going to any party in blackface is hilarious. Especially a party in a gated neighborhood. You should definitely stop by the liquor store to pick up some beer on your way to the party. And definitely learn a little song and dance about Jim Crow.

Mel Gibson: You're planning on getting wasted, right? Great. You're halfway there. Now borrow an SS uniform from a neighbor or from Prince Harry and walk around the party claiming the Holocaust never really happened. How do you know? Because God told you so.

The Guy Who Can't Take a Hint that the Party's Over: This doesn't require much dressing up. It's more a state of mind. But it is much funnier if you go as a vampire or the Tooth Fairy or something. Essentially, all you need to do is hang around the party until the last people leave, at which point you hit the fridge and make a turkey sandwich. Then you find a comfy spot in front of the TV. While the hosts are cleaning up, point out spots they missed and ask that they not walk in front of the TV while Cheaters is on. After you've finished the sandwich, ask the hosts what they're thinking about for breakfast.

Tom Cruise: Are you short? Like really short? Do you own a bomber jacket? Does the party's venue have a sofa? Does the only kind of science you believe in end with 'tology'? Super.

The Fun Police aka Det. Debbie Downer: This costume always goes over really well. Dress up like a cop and regulate. Like if you see people smoking grass, you should warn them that marijuana is a gateway drug. And when a couple of girls step outside for a Capri break, you should definitely let them know that you quit smoking after your grandfather died from emphysema. And don't forget to tell your story about the kid who went to the party and had two beers while his parents were at a movie. Yeah, and then he drove home drunk and crashed into his parents who were returning from said movie, killing them and paralyzing himself in the process.

Steve Irwin: It's time to pay homage to the greatest thing to come out of Australia since the Bloomin' Onion. All you'll need is some tan pants, tan boots, tan shirt, tan skin and tan hat. And also a stingray protruding from your chest. This is how he would have wanted it.

Angelina Jolie: If you can pull this one off, ah, I'm having a little a party . . .

Yes, in my mouth, Chad Rucker. Gosh, you're so juvenile.