Parenting can be difficult. Just ask my father. He had a terrible time leaving three kids and a pregnant wife behind. I just know it ate him up on that beach in Mexico. How he stomached those 'ritas, day in and day out, is beyond me. Difficult in deed. Anywho, most parents want their kids to love them, so I've made that easy with 11 simple rules by which to live and govern. And I know what you're thinking, but I don't want to make a living advising parents like some new-age Dr. Spock. My advise is free. Valuable, but free.

1. Get your kid involved in beauty pageants at an early age. Not only will they thank you later, but also their winnings might pay for a family trip to Panama City.

2. Give your kids credit cards with no spending limits. But tell them you won't always be around to pay the bill. Then laugh to hammer home the weightlessness of that last sentence.

3. A new car, preferably an Escalade with 24" rims, for their 15th birthday.

4. Buy your kid and his or her friends beer for spring break, and teach them how to roll a really tight joint. Also, dissuade them from using crack with a viewing of New Jack City.

5. Blow smoke rings on command. Nothing says "I've still got it" quite like smoke rings.

6. Tell racist jokes. Often. Everyone knows that being a racist is the new black.

7. Two words: Whoopee Cushion.

8. Badmouth teachers and other authority figures. Maybe get one of those 'Bad Cop - No Donut' stickers for your Suzuki Sidekick.

9. Sunday night is Pictionary night. Or is it porn night? Let the kids decide!

10. Practice tough love. In other words, beat your kids before raping them. Which brings me to Number 11 . . .

11. Always practice safe sex with your children. Unless you're both drunk. You can't get pregnant when you're drunk - anyone fit to wear scrubs will tell you that.