Man, I sure wish I'd joined the Armed Forces. Anyway, in the coming months you'll be able to find my cards in Link, the Upstate's answer to those pesky Creative Loafing types with their bounty of ad dollars. Funny story, Link put one of those papers out of business. Hilarious! But I don't dislike Link. I certainly like competition. And Link doesn't pretend to be anything other than what it is: fluff. It's fun to read. And did I mention easy? There are no politics in Link. There are few honest critiques of anything, for fear of upsetting those ad dollars, I guess. It's an oasis considering all of the bad news we're trudging through these days. So pick it up, bitch, and forget for a moment that we're spiraling into hell.

The format will basically be one of my cards, kinda like a cartoon panel, along with a relevant rant or list or something of the sort. You can expect to see my tat guide and maybe this:

By now we're all familiar with those mythic porn "moves". You know, the ones where someone, if not everyone, is dehumanized and, typically, someone has a lot cleaning up to do. We're talking about the Rusty Trombone, the Dirty Sanchez, the Cleveland Steamer, the ole Donkey Punch. All deplorable. All completely made up. Just like God. Kidding. God exists. I know this because if God didn't exist we'd all be running around naked giving each other Rusty Trombones and Star Jones would still be on The View. Until that day comes, I'll have a little faith. Anyway, though the aforementioned "moves" are little more than Man Show fodder, there are some moves/positions/tactics out there that are real, that do actually take place between a man and a woman, among others. Frank Costanza's "Stopping Short" was one. And then there's the Kama Sutra. Still, those occur infrequently, at least in my world of hand holding and clothed spooning. So the following list relates to cowardly, yet effective ways of ending a relationship, all of them much more common than most anything you'll find in the Kama Sutra. Unfortunately. And, yes, banging your boyfriend's best friend is a great way out, but it's by no means cowardly. That takes onions. These here take little more than Kotex:

The Fizzle: This is when you let things continue to unravel, making days and nights with you so unbearable that the other person has no choice but to dump you. Hint: Think Debbie Downer meets Deuce Bigalow. Dan has perfected The Fizzle in such a way that he hasn't had to break up with one girl in the past 9 years; he's been dumped 12 times, lucky bastard!

Welcome to Mexico: Okay, all you need for this is bus fare or an extra kidney. Both would be great. Just buy a one-way ticket to the land of pinatas, hop on a bus and learn to say "el bano". Warning: You can come back to the States in 4 years, but you have to come as a migrant worker. Josh gave Sally the ole 'Welcome to Mexico' and we haven't heard from him since, lucky bastard.

Tres Gay: If you can fake an orgasm or a career, you can certainly fake being gay long enough for this to work. Though it's a much easier task in bigger cities, you can still tip your rainbow-colored hat to your new orientation in Small Town, USA. If you're a man, start wearing chaps out to dinner, shave your chest and work out more regularly. Also, it helps if you wear designer clothes and have sex with other men. If you're a woman, do the exact opposite. Except for the chaps part. You can wear them out to dinner, too. Chaps are hot! Man, Mike went Tres Gay on Dana two months ago and he's still having sex with men, lucky bastard!

The Reverse Jared: As if Jared alone wasn't bad enough. Play a Subway commercial backwards and you'll get the idea. Eat. Eat. Eat. Sooner or later your significant other will leave you for fear of being steamrolled in bed. Yeah, the novelty of plugging away at a morbidly obese body will wear off somewhere between stretchmarks and bouts of labored breathing. Unless you date Peter. Shannon gave Bart the 'Reverse Jared' and, though she said it was kinky and ineffective at first, has spent the past three Friday nights at home with her cat and a gross of Hot Pockets, lucky fatass.

The Grim Reaper: The only downside to this relationship killer is that you die. Still, there are tons of people out there who'd tell you that worse things could happen. Well, if they weren't so dead. Old age is without a doubt the most pusillanimous way down this route. But don't wait til you're 90. If you're gonna die to get out of a relationship, try to be a hero or something. Hint: Most heroes can fly - I bet you can! Chad, I met your wife the other day; have you ever considered 'The Grim Reaper'?

The L Bomb: Shower that special someone in your life with love. Tons of love. Drop the 'L Bomb' prematurely. Drop it often. Drop it inappropriately. It's "I Love You" over lunch. "I Love You" at the bank. "I Love You" at the ballgame. In fact, if you can make "I Love You" the answer to all of the questions he or she asks you, you'll pretty much be dateless in less than one week. Katherine dropped the 'L Bomb' on our second date - I'm not gonna call her back, even though she is the hottest girl at work.

The Spank Spank: Possibly the most enjoyable, yet still cowardly way out of any relationship, The Spank Spank is just what it sounds like: lots of masturbation. Similar to the 'L Bomb' and just as effective, the Spank Spank might not be as socially acceptable as some of the other tactics, but it'll definitely 'git r dun'. You just have to do it openly, i.e., you have to get caught. Try it during reruns of Frazier! Tip: The Spank Spank will not work if you're a female; unfortunately, it will have the opposite effect on your partner. Brock's been pulling the 'Spank Spank' out on his girlfriend for the past 3 weeks; he'll be single any day now, lucky bastard!

Marriage: Nothing more cowardly than this. Just go ahead and back right into it. And don't worry about looking behind you; you've got it, man! So how's 'marriage' going for you guys? Great! We haven't had sex in 3 years.

# posted by keller @ 10:01 AM