Near Bracket Busters. Boston College nearly pulled a Big East yesterday (nice knowing ya, Seton Hall and Syracuse). Gonzaga played like the WCC Champs they are. And I hope you aren't banking on TN at this point. Dunk you very much.

Jacko Closes Down Ride For Good. Neverland Ranch, the wackiest, wettest overnight of your life, is bolted up. This is where, in your best soprano, you let out a big "Awwwww Shucks" Let me ride. But check out the picture: 'Tis hard to walk out with blue balls. Even when you're 8.


Nougat Found To Be Nothing More Than Nebulae. Rich, delicious nebulae. Milky Way.

The Smiths Reject $5 Million To Reunite. During a public interview at the South By Southwest Music & Media Conference in Austin, journalist David Fricke asked Morrissey if he had considered it. Morrissey replied, "No, because money doesn't come into it," a response that drew applause from the crowd. Until they realized their all-time favorite band wasn't going to reunite. Then they did some drugs.

Let's See . . . I'll Have The Moons Over My Hammy . . . And A Bodybag. To Go, Please. Denny's is serving up the freshest blood in town. Grand Slam!

Atkins Diet Minus The 'T'. That low-carb diet you're on will help you fit into that bikini - and coffin. You've never looked deader.

Another McSweeney's List. This one had me giggling like a schoolgirl at recess. Thanks for the list tip, Goldenfiddle!