"I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again, but you're late. I wait around and then I run to the door, I can't take any more it's not you, you let me down again.

- The Foundations Buy it for Mary.

It's really Tuesday, February 7th.
Ah, where the hell was Mike Holmgren after the game?

Another Super Bowl has come and gone. This last one a size XL. That size, of course, only referring to the pomp and circumstance surrounding the "big game". Gotta love ole ESPN with its 6 hour gameday covergage. Not to mention their hours and hours of coverage leading up to the busiest pizza delivery day of the year.

So I'm sure you're wanting to know exactly why the Seahawks lost the game. Or, rather, what was that one defining play that sent them back to Seattle empty-handed, save their millions of dollars. Simple. It was their introduction. They came running out of the tunnel and onto the field to The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony". Nice call, brass.

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life. Trying to make ends meet, trying to find some money, then you die. I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down - you know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah!

Hell Yeah! So anyway, coming out to that song was mistake numero uno. Los otros? Ah, pretty much all those damned penalties. And the punter never being able to pin the Steelers back. And those penalties. And dropped balls. And maybe the penalties. And the refs. At any rate, the game was quite boring, though the Randle El pass was pretty cool. Been done, but pretty keul (v. The Browns, I believe). Speaking of 'been done', one of the better ads from last night had been done before. Thanks to Goldenfiddle, I remembered it and have a sampling of it right cheer: Big Ad!

But back to last night. Yes, it's Budweiser. Yes, the collective "aaahh" at the end was unnecessary. Yes, their other ads were reprehensible. But this one was relevant, and despite being a clone, somewhat clever. On one side of the stadium you have the empty glass, on the other, a full beer. You know the rest. And you probably knew the rest the second you saw the setup. Still, though, not bad. The Wave!

But I should preface (or should've) all of this by saying that picking the standout from last night's ads is like picking an MVP from last night's game. Not an easy task. They all kinda sucked nuts, including the Emerald Nuts one. Deeez Nuts!

Super Bowl XL Commercial Breakdown:

Creamed Corn (The stuff that somehow managed to rise to the top.)

Sprint Crime Deterrent - Best thing I've seen for a legit wireless company (ie. a big company) in many a moon. Funny. Not laugh out loud, but funny enough. I'm putting it here for the category alone.

Sierra Mist - As much as I dislike Kathy Griffith or whatever that ubiquitous hobag's name is, I liked the "whaa whaa" sound effects and the overall message of the ad. And I've always liked McKinley, well, since Wet Hot American Summer. This is for you! (It's from Crate & Barrel)

Pretty (Pretty funny, pretty decent or pretty something.)

Budweiser/Carlton - Nice steal. Had it been original, it would have been the best of the night.

Sprint Benny Hill - Not as good as the other Sprint ad, but I give them points for trying. And points for reminding me that Benny Hill was never really my cup of tea. How about a little Player, though?

Bud Light Bear Attack - Didn't mind this for what it was. But!! Please, guys, end your ads like 5 seconds earlier. We do not need to see the guys reunite. The funniest thing to happen in your ad was the running-like-mad guy stealing the beer out of nowhere from his friend and the bear. That was funny. Leave the rest to my imagination. Don't waste money on shredding up old vests and shooting superfluous scenes.

Cub Cadet - For those who want more ER. Oooh, I love that show! Wonder what Goose is doing. Okay, you got me, this ad was unbearable.

Disney Practice - Where the players practice saying "I'm going to Disney World." Didn't mind this for some strange reason. Kinda liked seeing Joey Porter in the hot tub. Maybe I'm gay. Who knows and who cares.

Whatevs (Whatever, guys. Keep on doing that fine job you're doing.)

Fed Ex Cavemen - Okay, nice try, but the drama was in the dialogue. Did we really need the sight gags of a guy kicking a small dinosaur only to then be crushed by a larger one? And if being crushed under the foot of a ginormous dinosaur is something that might happen to you on a day to day basis, do you really think cavemen would walk around so lackadaisically? Nope. 'Cause if they did, we would all be dinosaurs right now and humans would be extinct. But I did like the dialogue.

Hidden Budlight - I'll give it a few points just for the guy punching through the sheetrock. Nice touch.

Don't Judge Too Quickly - Fine. I waited and it still blew. Though, I did think the girl releasing the balloon was spot on. Is this Ameriquest? Seriously, I've never caught the product in this campaign. Is that a problem?

Bud Light Roof Fixers - I liked the idea. But the joke went too far. Remember what I said about ending the spot 5 seconds earlier? George Constanza Stand Up 101, dude.

Career Builder - I like monkeys and I like Twisted Sister, but I don't necessarily like them together. As for the other spot, the "I work with jackasses" spot . . . yeah, not sold on that idea. Maybe for next year the two humanoids can get together and make love in a blissful, monkey and jackass-free office. That would be lovely.

Dove's Ugly Kids - Those heinous 4th graders needed to get off my TV screen. Stat. They have no business parading around with acne and love handles and freckles and glasses like there's nothing wrong with the way they are. I mean, what message are we trying to send to our kids? That it's okay to be ugly? That you won't get wedgies if you wear glasses and are a little overweight? That being hot sucks? Listen: take it from me, being hot rocks. It's like being able to fly and ride rainbows and stuff. Being skinny with a clear complexion is unbeatable. Looking good in a bathing suit will take you as far as any sane person needs to go.

Michelob Ultra Amber Tackle - Nice seeing a lady get her clock cleaned. Not nice seeing the retaliation. If they knew anything about football, they'd know that if anyone gets penalized it's the guy, or gal in this case, doing the retaliating. I threw my flag on that one.

Hummer Monster - I do like me some Micky and Sylvia, but I think this spot lost most of its potential somewhere. Maybe the drawing boards. Don't know. Nice idea, though. A little monster. It just didn't really do it for me, Jerry.

Tacoma Gets Its Salad Tossed By Ocean - I want a Tacoma so I won't have to worry about where I park it. Like one time, in my old car, I parked it on the sun and when I came back it was gone. SC tag IDI 476 if you happen to run across it.

Aleve Spock Alone - Despite one of my favorite friends, dare I say one of the brightest and sexiest gals I know, loving this spot, I didn't really care for it. Maybe it was over my head. I will say it is waaay better than most arthritis ads. There.

Whopperettes - This one was closer to being just plain bad. Its saving grace was definitely the making of a Whopper. Girl piled upon girl, layer after layer of goodness. Everything else was lame with a capital booo - even if it was intentionally kitschy. The CP&B backlash has hit its stride. But I'd still sell my rectum to work there. That is, if I hadn't already sold it. Which reminds me, Cvammen, dude, you still owe me $7.00.

ESPN Phone - The coolest thing? Summer Breeze, baby. What a damn fine song. Yonteff must have been behind that spot. Not because it sucked, but because of the song. Or was that Summer Breeze?

Bad (You should have just crapped on a plate and spent all the money on blow.)

Bud Light Magic Fridge - The "magic fridge is back" line is chuckley, but the ad itself was definitely "the only one that wasn't killed."

Jack Box Outlaw Burger - We need to outlaw the use of this adjective in describing American food.

Mastercard MacGyver - This campaign had legs. Just like Stephen Hawking had legs.

Jeep Penguin - I get it. You can drive your Jeep anywhere and it's totally cool cuz it's a Jeep. And penguins will start hitching rides from you and you'll start eating whale blubber and driving over igloos and clubbing Eskimos and reading Into the Wild. Or you'll just pick the kids up from piano lessons. Cuz you can. Cuz you're in a Jeep.

The Aspiring Clydesdale - This thing has more vagina in it than a YWCA. Soooo sappy. Sooo easy. Sooo clumsy. Is this a light beer? An ad from Hasbro? The sentimental/inspirational stuff was great after 9/11. Acceptable around the holidays. But this mystique you're trying to create ain't working. That's not a heartstring you're pulling, that's your tampon.

The Streaking Lamb - Wait, I take it back. This ad was genius. And nice work with the Brokeback Mountain allusion. So funny. Lambs' butts are hilarious. Somebody pass the lotion. I did not need to see that. Well said, Heath.

Motopebl - Was that the beginning of Amelie or Adaptation we were watching? Note to my wireless provider: I do not want a phone that was created eons ago. Or one that looks like I should hide my keys in it.

The Other Disney Ad - Just give us the money shot: Space Mountain.

Go Daddy - No daddy. I won't, daddy. Somebody throw those double Ds some beads and get her out of here.

Escalade - I liked the part when it was over. Though I must say black was an interesting choice of colors.

Overstock.com - Why was there a handicapped logo at the bottom of an ad for an online retailer? For that alone I penalize them 25 yards.

Mach 19 Fusion Gillette Fuck All Blades - I got an email forwarded to me today reminding me of the Onion headline from a while back. From this Onion article: Fuck all! At any rate, I didn't need to be reminded. That blade shit is getting out of hand. 6 blades on this thing! You're more likely to get through security with a Sierra Mist than with a Gillette Fusion. Leroy Brown wouldn't mess around with this thing. It certainly wouldn't fit in his shoe. It even takes batteries. What the fuck do the batteries do? Um, wild guess, but . . . turn into more blades? And if the one blade on the back is for hard to reach, finesse areas, doesn't that mean that this one blade beats five? Call me when you've got seven. Til then it's my Sensor, baby.

Toyota Bilingual Papa Hybrid Cutesy Bullshit - Not a big fan. Far worse than Kermit's take on the same subject. And that's saying a lot.

Diet Pepsi Brown and Bubbly - If it's brown, flush it down. That's what the brains behind this campaign should have done long ago. Jay Mohr was funnier on Last Comic Standing. And, again, that's saying a lot. Diddy. Isn't that the past tense of Puffy?

Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme - My friend, Matt Ferebee, was in this ad. Swear to you, that had to be him crunching into that Mexican delicacy to the sounds of Spandau Ballet. Almost gave this one a higher score due to the song. Almost.

Diet Pepsi Jackie Chan Stunt Double - Oh, Jackie Chan, we shouldn't have ever known ya.

Blockbuster Online AKA CPR for a Dying Brand - A few years back, I was glad to see Blockbuster get a little competition when Netflix arrived, and now I guess I'm glad to see Netflix get a little competition in return. But the ads sucked.

Full Throttle - I'm cranking my remote into overdrive to change the channel as fast as is humanly possible. I'm also mixing this with the house vodka as we speak. Wanna fiiiite?

Pizza Hut Jessica Simpson - She's hot. We know. But tell me how I'm supposed to eat this pizza after I've ripped all the crust off the thing. It looks like a catastrophe. Not to mention, absolutely disgusting.

World Baseball Classic - Ugh. I will not be there for my country if I have to paint my face like that. And no network or marketing can convince me to care all that much about these games. See Olympics.

Degree - Yawn.

All Those Movie Trailers - Diarrhea. Pure unadulterated diarrhea. If such a thing exists. The Tim Allen movie, Shaggy Dog, with Chris Berman announcing was inappropriate. There's really no other way to put it. Horrible. And was that Phillip Seymour Hoffman hanging with Tom Cruise in MI:3? Poseidon. The adventure just ended if you're me. Uggh. And they say the movie industry is struggling, yet they fork over nearly as much money as AB yesterday.

Final Notes:

Next year's Super Bowl will be sponsored by Bud Light.

Aretha Franklin shamed Aaron Neville.

Sharpie may soon be facing some Antitrust lawsuits.

Was that ESPN's payroll they were introducing before the "big game"?

When Harrison Ford drops acid he turns into Ed Bradley.

Too bad 40 in Roman numerals isn't XS.

When Chad Rucker drops acid he ends up at the ER (love that show) thinking he has pieces of furniture lodged up his bum.

When Chad Rucker doesn't drop acid he ends up at the ER knowing.

Who am I? I'm just a bitter old man who couldn't hack it in the ad world.