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Monday, December 12
Extra! Extra! Green All About It!
You had to check out Steve Martin as he started to work. He was doin' freaky moves with his feet and head, with his blue farmer suit and his big Pro-Keds. - EPMD Buy it for your special thing!
Designer Kindling! What will Hollywood think of next? That's right, Cheaper By The Dozen Pt. 2. Those geniuses! Anyway, Jennifer Anniston has Lawrence Steele to thank for her most recent bonfire. Oh, and some guy named Brad. Hubba, hubba! Burn, baby, burn.
Cheaper By The Movie, Pt. 1. Steve Martin, I can overlook your casting in Shop Girl, but not this. I'm starting to lose respect. There's no way you need the money. Everytime I see the trailer for your newest pratfilled comedy, I forget one more scene from The Jerk. A long way from that poor black child.
Crips Founder Terminated. Arnold does not grant clemency to the Nobel Prize nominee. Police in the area are bracing for the possibility of a scene straight outta GTA: San Andreas. Up, up, down, down.
Boomerang Warfare Breaks Out In Sydney. Where are you when we need you, Crocodile Dundee? No rules, just right.
Wikipedia Prankster Is Now The Definition of Unemployed.Which might not be a bad thing.
For Your Health: Tea Bags Reduce Ovarian Cancer Risk. Great news for the Vivid girls.
Urbina Throws A Mean Machete. If you missed this story back in the fall, it's worth revisiting. ESPN recently sent a reporter to the prison to let Ugie shed some more light on the story, without using gasoline. Still a little dark.
Texas Plays Like Number 2. Reddick hits 48 3's.
Colin Farrell Checks Into Rehab Just Like John Smith Would Have Done. Apparently, the hot star of Alexander and the upcoming drama, The New World, is a bit too dependent on prescription meds. If I had to guess, I'd say probably not Nexium. Or Tagamet.
Sienna Miller Would Like To Talk To You. The things she revealed to Access Hollywood while detailing the 7 topics she'd like to cover were fascinating. A couple of my faves (in her own words): Number 3. The Perils of the Internet. I think that it's had a really detrimental effect on celebrities. One bored person can sit there and make up something, put it on the Internet, and two minutes later it's everywhere. It's scary. You develop pretty thick skin, but I tend to get emotional. Number 6. My Rotten Vagina. I've tried a lot of different products, I've even tried controlled burns, but nothing seems to really give me that springtime freshness. It's like a catfish swam up my vaj and died. But not before taking a huuuuge dump. Summer's Eve?
Courtesy Of The Onion: More Americans Falling For 'Get Rich Slowly Over A Lifetime Of Hard Work' Schemes. That link. Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom. This link.
Suspended Sprinters Should Be Ashamed Of Themselves. For ever sprinting. I'm sorry, but the suspensions of Tim Montgomery and some other runner, let's call him Ben Goldenshoes, don't qualify as news. And Montgomery is even from my home town. But the fact that it's not newsworthy does (kinda). No one cares about sprinters anymore. Or The World Games. Or The Olympics, for that matter. If it's not a professional sport, i.e if the participants haven't beeen nicknamed by Berman or sucked dry by Scott, Americans probably don't care about it. These amateur games were fine when we hated the Russians. But neither Syria nor Afghanistan is going to field a great gymnasitics team anytime soon. And even if they did, Americans on the whole aren't going to find some sort of satisifaction by beating them in everything. The world is flat. The ratings are surely falling. Don't believe me? Then tell me when and where the next summer Olympics are being held. And three people not on the basketball team participating in them. The only thing these games are good for is the local economy. And pedophiles' fantasies. Sport?
Tuesday, December 6
Even The Black Guys Wear Mustaches In This Town
And I dream of the things I'll do with a subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe. There'll be a load of compromisin' on the road to my horizon. - Glen Campbell buy it for your horsey!
I made my yearly visit to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight. Surprisingly, they make a pretty good salmon. Not surprisingly, the mustache to man ratio was about 1:2 - and the mustache to woman ratio about 1:5. Okay, I know Longhorn and Outback and all those other restaurants that offer the option of having everything on their menu marinated in some sort of whiskey or other badass sauce attract the redbirds almost as much as wings-only establishments, but, Christ, man, there were friggin' black "cowboys" in there. All of them saddled up to 18 oz. steaks, no doubt. All of them eager to watch the Jesus Video as soon as they got back. My wagon felt out of place, to say the least. Seriously, I think half of the vehicles in the parking lot could have cleared my little grocery-getter, even with their beds filled with Mexicans. In summary, the food was decent, the scenery was excellent. two thumbs down
My Favorite Types Of And/Or Terms For Mustaches:
1. 'Stache
2. Womb Broom
3. Prison Pussy
4. Flavor Saver
5. Dirty Sanchez
6. The Plummer
7. Cookie Duster
8. Handlebar
9. The Hitler
10. Fu Manchu
11. Soup/Semen Strainer
My Favorite Menu Items At Longhorn:
1. Salmon
2. Rebel-Fried Steak Sandwich
3. Dixie-Glazed T-Bone Steak (22 oz.)
4. Jack Daniels Salad Sampler
5. Cotton-Eyed Joe Loaded Potato
6. Copenhagen Catfish with Skoal Brulee
7. Marlboro-Smoked Bass
8. Cisco-Doused, Gas-Huffed, Meth-Mouthed Carrot Souffle
9. Bread
10. Remington 12 Gauge a la Buckshot
Dave Chappelle: The Lost Tapes. Comedy Central plans to air some material that Chappelle taped before he went to Africa in search of his marbles. Muslims are not funny.
The Only Thing Unhappy Marriages Need Is Neosporin. And Flux Capacitors. Or just some lawyers.
Jet Makes Totally Rad Landing! Pilot called "Hero For The Ages" by every person writing this blig. You got it.
This May Be Great News If Your Baby Hasn't Died Yet. Note: This won't seem like great news to you if your baby has already died of SIDS or of anything else for that matter. It'll probably seem more like salt in your wounds. Or a knife in your back. Or something un-great-news-like like that. Maybe you should practice with a dog first.
A Very Alive Frank Zappa Waves To His Admiring Fans. Ah, maybe it's Dweezil
Pregnant Women Beware: If You're Currently Taking Paxil, You May Have Already Done Irreparable Damage To Your Unborn Child. Look, I know this news can be devastating and might even lead you into a deep, dark hole of despair, but you've got to be strong. You can get through this. And if you need some help, there are plenty of drugs out there that help people just like you cope with this sort of depression. The side-effects are generally mild. And occassionally include retarded babies.
Furcal Goes To The Dodgers. Hopefully, via plane. DUI to LAX nonstop.
Word Of The Day:
Turucken - 1. (noun) A chicken stuffed inside a turkey stuffed inside Chad Rucker's arsehole.
2. (noun) The centerpiece of Dan Cvammen's traditional holiday feast.