Oh, yellow man. Oh, yellow man. We understand, you know we understand. He keeps his money tight in his hand. With his yellow woman he's a yellow man. Got to have a yellow woman when you're a yellow man. - Randy Newman buy it for uncle poon's!

Remember That Nike Jet Fiasco? This is where you insert your own Krusty the Clown defeated grown. Yes, folks, I have once again gone into - and come out of - hibernation. My stories are iced cold coffee, my outlook on life is drearier than ever and my rash still hasn't gone away, but the good news is that my jokes still suck ass. Jokes?

Family In Iraq Regretting Their Decision To Buy That Sand-Colored Hummer. But they are dying with the Joneses. http://news.yahoo.com/fc/world/iraq

Always Perps In The Toy Aisle. Always. Child Molester lets it all hang out in the toy department of Wal-Mart. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=4143888

2005's Hot Toy List! Toys you just have to buy your niece or nephew. http://www.toysafety.org/worstToyList_index.html

Today's Blig Brought To You By: Paul's Message. Not to be confused with Grandmaster Flash's. http://www.toysafety.org/pdf/paulsMessage.pdf

Furman Student Spent His Thanksgiving Regretting a Bet He Made. The sophmore student rode his Segway across South Carolina to raise money for disabled people who will never get the chance to ride a Segway across the Palmetto State at a blistering rate of 11 mph. Yep, instead of standing up and going slower than a Zamboni (no shit), they'll have to sit down and ride a Rascal or Jazzy or something like that across our state. A thought that no doubt helped the do-gooder come to this conclusion: "Katrina (relief) is good and everything," Hammond said. "But keep the home fires burning." Wasn't that an Alabama song? An awesome Alabama song? http://www.wyff4.com/news/5374811/detail.html

In Realted Rascal News: Rascal Scooters Accused Of Dirty Business. An attorney for the New Jersey-based company said it doesn't exploit, mislead or coerce its customer base. At which point everyone in the room burst into uncontrollable laughter, well, except for the few Rascal customers on hand; they passed away. http://www.wyff4.com/money/5372115/detail.html

In Related Awesome Country Music News: What the fuck is up with that new McDawltry Gentrified song they keep playing? I hit the scan button on my car stereo the other day and stumbled upon this lyric, sung in what I hope was an affected twang: And pickin' up tha Sunday Times. I hit the scan button to stop the dial as fast as possible. Indeed, I landed on a winner. The lyircs that followed made that one gem of a line seem even more like a black man in a Subaru, which was no easy task seeing as how "Sunday Times" was delivered from Cleetus himself. The lyrics in all their glory and entirety:

Raymond's in his Sunday best, he's usually up to his chest in oil an' grease.There's the Martin's walkin' in, with that mean little freckle-faced kid, who broke a window last week. Sweet Miss Betty likes to sing off key in the pew behind me.

That's what I love about Sunday: sing along as the choir sways; every verse of Amazin' Grace, an' then we shake the Preacher's hand. Go home, into your blue jeans; have some chicken an' some baked beans. Pick a back yard football team, nothin' much of anything: That's what I love about Sunday.

I stroll to the end of the drive, pick up the Sunday Times, grab my coffee cup. It looks like Sally an' Ron, finally tied the knot, well, it's about time. It's 35 cents off a ground round. Baby, cut that coupon out! That's what I love about Sunday: Cat-napping on the porch swing; you curled up next to me, the smell of jasmine wakes us up. Take a walk down a back road, tackle box and a cane pole; carve our names in that white oak, an' steal a kiss as the sun fades, that's what I love about Sunday, oh, yeah.

Ooh, new believers gettin' baptized, momma's hands raised up high, havin' a Hallelujah good time, a smile on everybody's face. That's what I love about Sunday, oh, yeah. That's what I love about Sunday, oh, yeah.

Okay. Let's think about this for a sec. The guy, the one luvin Sundays, is Craig Morgan. Craig is a god-fearin', m'am-sayin', tobacco-chewin', cane-pole-ownin', ground-round-eatin' Southern gent. Yet Craig gets home delivery of the Sunday Times? He must have taken out a second mortgage on his trailer. Plus, the last time I read the Sunday Times, I didn't find many stories that praised God. Or many coupons for ground round. Somebody get Craig an editor. Or the Banjo Minnow.

New CPR Guidelines Emphasize Digging Graves Between Breaths. http://www.forbes.com/lifestyle/health/feeds/hscout/2005/11/28/hscout529366.html

Canadian Girl Dies After Felating Mr. Peanut. But I could be wrong. I didn't read the story. http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/370028p-314687c.html

Money Doesn't Buy Everything. But it was enough to buy this Kentucky couple a very funny, disturbing story. I Know George Washington, and you're no George Washington . . . http://edition.cnn.com/2005/US/11/26/powerball.death.ap/

Virginia Metcalf Merida's son discovered her body Wednesday. Police were awaiting autopsy and toxicology results before announcing a cause of death. When the woman and her husband, Mack Wayne Metcalf, won the jackpot, they told lottery officials they were going their separate ways to fulfill their dreams.

Merida planned to quit her job making corrugated boxes and buy a home. Metcalf, a forklift operator, wanted to start fresh in Australia. He never did.

Metcalf died in 2003 at age 45 while living in a replica of George Washington's Mount Vernon estate built in Corbin, Kentucky. His death followed multiple run-ins with the law, including a child-support dispute from a previous marriage and a drunken-driving charge filed before he hit the jackpot.

Thode trades her Yellow Tail for "A Night With Chad Rucker" at the EP gift exchange. Much to the chagrin of Cvammen.

I was looking good on the day that you fell for the way I looked. - Destroyer buy it for your goddess!

Fainting Goats. So much cooler than regular ole non-fainting goats. http://stelf.com/linkfun/redirect.php?id=839

Billy's Blig. Cuthbert takes time between soaking his sore knee and boxing out to give us an inside look into his awesome life. http://www.us.playstation.com/Content/Sites/88/Info/blog/index.html

Californication! Give that man an Oscar and some lube . . . Ahhnold added a lot of depth to this character he portrayed back in what seems to be the 80s. http://goodiebag.tv/odds/arnie_in_brazil.htm

Chuck Norris: Facts You Never Knew About The Texas Ranger. Keep refreshing your page for more interesting facts about our savior. http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php

In Case You're Lazy (i.e. Nothing Like Chuck). Check out the Top 30 Chuck Norris facts. They're Chucktastic! http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

Worst Album Covers of All Time? Pitchfork digs deep. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/features/weekly/worst-album-covers/

But What About These? Dusty Scott does a better job, in my always-right opinion. http://porktornado.diaryland.com/albumcover.html

Cheney Accuses Democrats of Rewriting History. Bush still struggling to finish reading it. http://www.cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/11/16/cheney/

22" Rims, South Carolina. A town in Texas recently renamed itself "Dish, TX" after the sattelite TV provider. In return, each resident gets a dish to mount to the side of their trailer, which means they can now watch themsleves on People's Court without the tinfoil. http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=1321756

Exodus, South Carolina. You may have seen this story on The Daily Show or you may have read it on my blig a few months ago. Well, it has resurfaced on my favorite local news channel, WHNS. I recommend scrolling down (on the link) and watching the video, if only to get a glimpse at Tammy Janoski's ripe-for-the-pickin' daughter. She's so pure, so innocent. So wild-eyed. Just look at the way she eats that pasta. I give her 6 months in the upstate before she's talking to her parents about aborting her fatherless fetus. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=4124939&nav=menu149_3

Stage Dive Goes Horribly Awry. If you listen closely, you can hear someone shouting "INS!" just before this Latin performer ducks out. Please watch the video. http://www.local6.com/video/5338757/detail.html

Chad Rucker Planning To Shave His Crotch If The Gamecoks Lose On Saturday. Dan Cvammen, praying for a Tiger's win, planning to offer help for those hard-to-reach places. Actually, Brock Koonce stumbled upon (and forwarded to me, as only a true friend would do) Dan's list of ways to broach the subject Sunday morning. Apparently, he's a bit nervous. The sadness:

1. (Ring, Ring)
Rucker: Yellow.
Dan: Whatcha doin' later?
Rucker: Not much
Dan: Can I come over and shave your nuts? I ordered a pizza already.

4. (Knock, Knock)
Rucker: Dan?
Dan: Hey, I was just in the neighborhood and found this Mach 3 Turbo laying in your yard and, hey, how'd that game turn out? (ad lib, ad lib, stroke beard, lick lips, mention the pre-ordered pizza, etc.)

Someday girl, I don't know when, we're gonna get to that place where we really want to go and we'll walk in the sun, but till then, tramps like us, baby, we were born to run. - Bruce Springsteen buy it for wendy!

Lewis Black Gives Us The Weather, Not The News. http://www.weather.com/multimedia/index.html?clip=2856&collection=videocoll9&from=wxcenter_video

18 Year Old Becomes Mayor. Vows to rid city of homework and acne. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/10004343/

The Onion Speaketh The Gospel Yet Again. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/42374

Fossils Reveal Giant Sea Monster. Weekly World News issues a big "told ya so". http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/11/1110_051110_godzilla.html

Get Rich Or Die Tryin' To Buy Whoppers. A man was shot in the concessions area of a theater that was playing 50 Cent's new movie, Get Rich or Die Tryin'. A spokesman for the movie, which was pulled from the Pittsburgh theater, pointed out that Chicken Little was also playing at the multiplex and added, "I mean, I'm just saying . . ." http://www.accesshollywood.com/entertainment/5305400/detail.html

Cash's Daughter Walks Out of Walk The Line Screening Five Times! Or, rather, she went to the screening FIVE times, if you're a half-full kinda person. http://www.accesshollywood.com/entertainment/5304989/detail.html

Former Steeler Linebacker Can't Tackle Tree. Despite the help of steroids. http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/football/nfl/11/10/bc.fbn.obit.courson.ap/index.html?cnn=yes

Arrested Development Gets The Ax (Again). Gob, we hardly knew ye. http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/11/television.shows.reut/index.html

Eddie Guerrero Gets Pinned By Grim Reaper. Rock 'n' Roll Express to deliver the smoke and firework-filled eulogy. http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/more/11/14/obit.guerrero.ap/index.html?cnn=yes

Springsteen Talks Born to Run. And if you don't own the album, buy it already (see above). http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/11/14/music.born.to.run.ap/index.html

Detroit School's Questionable Setlist. A song scheduled to be performed at a junior high concert was scratched at the last minute after complaints started coming in from area sharecroppers. The song's lyrics include, "Jump down, turn around, pick a bale of cotton. Gotta jump down, turn around, Oh, Lordie, pick a bale a day." Initially, the district spokeswoman defended the song. "We used to sing that song when I was in school during the '50s," she said. "It's like a Southern type of folk song. I remember it being perky. It was more of a song that people just sang for fun." Adding, "I mean, in the 5os, when the blacks would get uppity, we'd beat some sense back into 'em. You know, just for fun." Said district spokeswoman has since changed her . . . tune! Now where is that darn laugh track . . .
http://www.cnn.com/2005/EDUCATION/11/14/slavery.song.ap/index.html

More Fun To Watch Than The Games. Billy Joe Cuthbert is/was a stud. Watch the videos of this one-time NBA great here: http://www.us.playstation.com/Content/Sites/88/Info/

Dreamies:

Anne Coulter Looks Great! http://www.dreamies.com/dreamies.com/HTM%20PAGES%202005/0405HTM/042205Annc.htm

I Think I'm Gonna Love You. http://www.dreamies.com/dreamies.com/HTM%20PAGES%202005/1005HTM/101705IraqLongTime.htm

Used iBook For Sale! G3 With OS X! It's Awesome, Baby. Says Dick Vitale. Oh, and you have like 7 hours left . . . http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5826355046&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMESE%3AIT&rd=1

Go Hobo Bush!!

You'd better hold on to what you've got. Cause if you think nobody wants it, just throw it away and you will see . . . someone will have it before you can count 1, 2, 3. - Joe Tex Buy it because you've thrown out like 9 guys already. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Rucker.

Aruba, Jamaica, Oooh, I Wanna Take Ya. To rape you and watch you as my friends rape you, toooooo. Yeah, that's what I wanna dooooo. Natalie Holloway is back in the news. And I missed all of this, but according to one of the persons of interest, the three clubbers had sex with her that night, which means she was definitely drugged, because she was a pretty cute girl from the right side of the tracks, and though good girls do go wild from time to time, they normally don't ditch their friends while in a strange land to have sex with three fugly thugs. I mean, it took me tons of dates, tons of phone calls, a few Bloomin' Onions and many hours of popping zits before I ever knew the pleasure of a woman, and, frankly, I think I'm easier on the eyes than those losers. Plus, I tend to not kill the women I sleep with. Pretty much a policy. In other words, something is definitely rotten in the state of Denmark. Wanna go on your last, I mean, a sea cruise?

Disabled Woman Set On Fire In Paris Riots. The Gaurdian's headline is a bit misleading. But I did read it. The rue, the rue, the rue is on fire.

Because That Last Story Was Cold, Cold Coffee, More French Riot News: The rioters are breaking curfew, seriously jeopardizing their chances of going to prom.

Secret Jails? Shhhhh, they're secret. MTV knows a thing or two about secrets. And prisons. And torture. And spring break!

Judith Miller Retires From The Times. Presumably, not to pursue a career in modeling. Where's the dog house?

Survey Reveals Most Americans Not Fond Of Regifting. Or being murdered. Who knew?!

Independence Air Flies For Bankruptcy. Whew, that was a good one. For a girl!

Jordan Hotel Blast Kills Dozens. Of people who just then realized that Jordan was no place to vacation no matter how sweeeeet of a deal hotels.com gave them? It's just that I imagine occupancy rates have been down a bit, to say the least, in places that are referred to in The Bible. Who were these unfortunate people? Journalists? Next year, kids, we're going to Syria.

Lowlights What the fuck is up with ESPN's simulated news conferences? This has to be the worst thing they've ever done. Up there with the debut of Playmakers. And their glorification of poker. And their hiring of Stuart Scott. And their allowing of Tim Kurkjian to repeatedly pronounce his name Tim Kurk! Ah! Jian. And the carte blanche given to the make-up artists on Cold Pizza. Seriously, Woody Paige looked like Dick Schapp postmortem before he became a regular on Cold Pizza. And I may still prefer that. And while I'm on it . . . Chris Berman, we get it. You watched Fresh Prince. Larry Johnson. Grandmama. Yeah, it was funny when it was fresh. Dude, you're part comedian, and that part of you should tell you that you can't go out there with the same material day after day. Even if it is a nickname. Anyway, I digress, please, do away with those high-school theater performances that you are now referring to as "breaking news". Yeah, I've got a question: Who's the genius behind this one?

Wooking Pah Nub . . . This is all you need: Robert Johnson thought he had found true love in the Yahoo Personals section. Her name was Mary. Mary from London. Mary the professional model, who loved Robert despite his cerebral palsy. She said she was ready to fly to Laurens to be with Robert. Cerebral Palsy? Is that the same thing as fucking retarded? Click here for more computer love.

No Dragons! No Dragons! From my favorite news source: "It's hard to believe he's not here, all because of the Dragon, like I said, I guess he slayed it, but it slayed him in the end too", says Pat. The Dragon is a stretch of road in Tennessee that is apparently awesome if you're on a motorcycle and, I imagine, not very awesome if you're trailering a boat. Only Fox could turn the tragedy into what seems to be a spoof. I highly recommend the video.

Love Handles or Death Handles? Or just plain out-of-shape-fatass handles? Beware of the pear!

Sorry for all the technical problems. Above all else, I am an idiot.

One thing to consider while I work on my blig:

1. Safari buu-lows.

It should be back up tomorrow. Maybe tonight. I can't figure these links out now that I'm no longer using Explorer. So anyway, what are you doing for New Year's? Oh, that sounds like too much fun!

Try on your love like a new dress, the fit and the cut your friends to impress. Try on your smile square on your face, showing affection should be no disgrace. Try out your God, hope he will send kindness from strangers on whom you depend. - Roxy Music buy it for eno!

Cocks Give Fulmer Fits. Vaginas, The Willies. It took 4 days for the SC win over TN to sink in. Many more, I'm sure, for the hangovers to wear off in Columbia. Is Fulmer's job in jeopardy? So long as the offensive coordinator proves to be a sufficient sacrificial lamb the answer is "no". Still, you can't pull for the Vols enough this Saturday when they face Notre Dame. Why the Irish are still in the top 10 is beyond me. A Vols victory would shut up everybody but Regis. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9869781/

Superballs Make For Super Commercials. But less than super headlines. http://homepage.mac.com/chrydee/.Public/publicite-bravia.mov

Let The Games Begin. The Dems are planning for a war of their own. And who says their a bunch of pansies? Oh yeah, everyone. http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2005/11/01/alito/index_np.html

Lesbian Minister Defrocked. And other Skinemax plotlines. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/10/31/national/main998876.shtml

Theo Steps Down From Red Sox GM Post. Cockroach just glad to have his friend back. http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/article.jsp?ymd=20051031&content_id=1263031&vkey=news_mlb&fext=.jsp&c_id=mlb

This Ole Bank of Mine Done Broke a Thousand Times. An Isley Brother gets a call from the IRS. Isley Brothers Box Set and reunion tour already in the works. http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,17687,00.html?fdnews

Special X Games? From The Onion: "Although Ricky is gone, his extreme legacy will live on forever, unlike our partnership with Mountain Dew," said event organizer Steve Wynlan, adding that all they wanted was to show the special athletes that they could still have a rad lifestyle. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/42108

Woody Allen Has No Plans To Cast Goering In Any Of His Upcoming Films. Goering still complaining of being typecast, justifiably. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/film/4395548.stm

Nice Tan! Today's blig is sponsored by Sunbrushed. Sunbrushed . . . when the sun ain't enough, reach for the brush! http://www.sunbrushed.com/index.php?p=Home

The Most Recognizable Food Critic In The World. The Michelin Man goes undercover by donning a handlebar mustache to rate NYC restaurants. Four 3 star restaurants in all of New York? According to the Herlad Journal's ratings, there are like 12 of them in Spartanburg alone. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/11/01/dining/01cnd-michelin.html?hp

Maureen Dowd Loves Anal. Well, that's what I got out of this piece. Actually, it's a good read and makes no mention of anal intercourse. Impossible, right? Anyway, an excerpt: It took women a few decades to realize that everything they were doing to advance themselves in the boardroom could be sabotaging their chances in the bedroom, that evolution was lagging behind equality. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/30/magazine/30feminism.html?pagewanted=1&incamp=article_popular

Two New Moons Found Orbiting Pluto. Clearly way off course. I mean, Pluto. How sucky is that planet? More like Lame-o! Damn, I just tooled Pluto. Fuck you, Pluto. Earth roxxx! http://dsc.discovery.com/news/briefs/20051031/space_pluto.html

Senate On Double Secret Probation. Frist pissed something fierce about Durbin's pledge pin. http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=10000087&sid=aHX7JgfglMjc&refer=top_world_news

Secret Probation Explained: http://www.senate.gov/reference/resources/pdf/98-718.pdf

This Just In: More DeLays. Judge Perkins has been removed from DeLay's case. DeLay's lawyers cited Perkins' donations to Democratic causes as a reason for potential bias in the case. And they said some other stuff, but it was a bunch of legalese and, like, no one even knew what they were talking about, except for maybe Sam Waterston. http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-110105delay_lat,0,4692462.story?coll=la-story-footer&track=morenews

Kate Moss Proves Once And For All That Drugs Aren't Bad. In fact, doing rails on film will land you on the cover of Vanity Fair, in other words, smile Gary Busey! http://www.thisislondon.com/showbiz/articles/20790280?source=Evening%20Standard&ct=5

Chad Rucker Breaks One Off Inside Cvammen. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Is it Tuesday already?"