We're gonna break it to your folks tonight. Kind of hope your pops dont hear me right, ooh yeah. - Adam Green buy it for kimya!

You Missed Me. You Really, Really Missed Me. And in case you missed the news as much as you missed me over these past two weeks (cold coffee):

Quitters Sometimes Win. Harriet Miers folds like the little girl she is and claims she made the decision so that sealed documents would remain sealed. Sure! http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,173769,00.html

Miers Opens Revolving Door For Alito! This just in: Bush nominates conservative Alito. Naturally, as a Bushbot, he had to have a nickname: Scalito!
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/10/31/ap/politics/mainD8DJ3BGO3.shtml

Life Will Get Back To Normal. Especially If "Shitty" Was "Normal" For You. Bush waxes poetic on the subject of hurricanes. http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=1256499

Apparently There Was a World Series. I'm sorry, but fuck the White Sox. http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/article.jsp?ymd=20051027&content_id=1261378&vkey=ps2005news&fext=.jsp

Romo Used Roids. Truth be told, Bill's drug use was suspected after JJ Stokes' eyes developed super powers, but now it's officially confirmed. Well, on 60 Minutes last week it was. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9689875/

Teddy Bruschi Play Football Good. Teddy tackle people. Teddy need feeding tube soon. http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=smith_michael&id=2208963

Giants Kick The Skins Off Their Land, Rape Their Children, Steal Their Corn And Force Them To Drink Away Their Gambling Winnings. The no skunks or whitewashes rule was decided prior to the game so they had to play the full 4 quarters, which was great news for anyone who had Tiki on their fantasy team. A side note: Win or lose, Chris Berman would have attributed it to Mara's death. Inpiration or devastation, depending upon the outcome. You sports reporters are the best! http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=nfl/week8/damn-moment

Condom Malfunction. Janet Jackson is in the news again. http://www.sky.com/showbiz/article/0,,50001-1200555,00.html

Beta Makes a Comeback. VHS makers hoping for about 20 more hurricanes. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,173973,00.html

Desperate Housewife Apparently Not That Desperate. I care! http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/5182664/detail.html

H5 Virus Found in Canada. But I'm sure our border patrol will keep it out of this great land, so keep laughing. http://www.canada.com/national/nationalpost/news/story.html?id=9705d992-07c4-457a-a38f-8f40c33fd1fc

Trick or Treat. Or just sit on my lap and call me "Daddy" while I braid your hair. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=4047082

Doctor Feelgood. An upstate SC man posed as doctor and gave breast exams that included a suspicious amount of nipple tweaks and grunts to unsuspecting "jugalicious babes" or "women with at least C cups" to you laymen. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3943537&nav=menu149_3

The Pulitzer-Winning Video of Dr. Phil: http://www.whns.com/global/video/popup/pop_playerLaunch.asp?clipid1=558494&at1=News&vt1=v&h1=Man+Arrested+For+Impersonating+Doctor&d1=178266&redirUrl=www.whns.com&activePane=info&LaunchPageAdTag=homepage

I'll Take 'Somebody Hose That Man Down' For 70, Alex. http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/tix/106341149.html

EP Update: Chad Rucker Still Punching In Over At The Ole Factory. Tater planning to send the entire staff the best joke he's heard in quite some time. Cvammen moves on to nudes.

P.S. Heard the new Firehouse radio. I thought Sean quit??

It's my belief we've used up all our time, this hill's to steep to climb, and the days that remain ain't worth a dime. - The Band buy it for old times' sake!

Michele Wie Playing Winter Rules. Unfortunately, that shit don't fly on the 'lay up' tour. http://www.usatoday.com/sports/golf/lpga/2005-10-16-wie_x.htm

Ah, The Smell Of Democracy In The Morning. An air strike in Iraq puts a bunch of civilians out of their misery. Or at least that's the story the ole US of A is going with. Peace out! http://www.iht.com/articles/2005/10/17/news/iraq.php

Famous Lawyer's Wife Slain. Before he'd answer any questions, the husband said he'd like to talk to himself first. At which point he spontaneously combusted. http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=1222502

PETA of NC Not Very E. In other words, they've been euthanizng cats and dogs and dumping the animals in garbage bins outside of grocery stores. Heartwarming story to follow . . . http://home.hamptonroads.com/stories/story.cfm?story=93730&ran=57036

Bird Flu Not As Cool As It Sounds. Bubonic Plague, however, possibly cooler than it sounds. http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=1223000

One Time At Band Camp. Our bus crashed and killed a bunch of my friends. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/10/17/national/main948351.shtml

Local TV Station Impressed By Local Marijuana. Poor choice of words maybe? http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3932890

New 007?? He's blonde, he's dumb, he's the pilot. And we still don't care. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9671604/

Little Rascals Bully, Butch, Gets His. Spanky looking awfully suspicious. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9479035/

Ex-SNL Comedian Commits Suicide. Hilarious! http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/10/17/D8D9T0RG0.html

American Analog Set Announce Breakup Over Hushed Guitars And Feathered Drums. Is this thing on? http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-10/17.shtml#americananalogset

Mr. Potato Head: Nine Cases of Brain-Wasting Disease Documented in Idaho. And this on top of their already devastating Life-Wasting Disease epidemic. http://www.breitbart.com/news/2005/10/17/D8D9SJK00.html

Miers Will Overturn Roe! And then overturn it again when she becomes pregnant with Tom Cruise's baby. http://www.opinionjournal.com/diary/?id=110007415

Venezuela To Develop Nuclear Weapons. Whew! I thought for a second there they were planning to develop nucular weapons. http://www.washtimes.com/national/20051016-112537-4689r.htm

Fantasy Shmantasy. Your team is scraping the bottom of the barrel if you drafted these guys: Joe Horn, Kevin Jones, Jamal Lewis, Tony Gonzalez, Laverneous Coles . . . RIP Hobo Bush.

EP In The News: Chad Rucker has his headline replaced by one suggested by graphic designer Dan Cvammen. Something about not being able to believe the prices or something. Mike Weston takes a two hour lunch. And why those stories qualify as news is beyond everyone.

Now he's dropped from his label, and he's goin broke. Tried the underground return, ghetto pass revoked. And the same faces that he dissed on his way to the top laughed as they watched him do the downstroke. - Blackalicious buy it for your nanny!

You Can Leave Your Hat On. Your head, though, that's gonna have to go. What's the worst thing about College Gameday brought to you by Home Depot? I'll give you a hint: The first word's "big" and the last word's "rich". And the middle word started this sentence. That band is filled with as much genius as the Blue Collar Comedy Tour's audience.

What The Future Most Likely Holds For Big 'N' Rich:

1. A spot on the back of a Trivial Pursuit card (alongside Ken Jennings, perhaps.)
2. A crib featured on MTV that has a swimming pool shaped like a dollar sign.
3. The same crib, months later, featured on Remax Preferred Listings after it's found that Big and Rich owe 2.5 million in back taxes.
4. 768 Denny's All-You-Can-Eat Buffets. And no tips for the waitresses cuz all they ever did was refill your Mr. Pibbs.
5. The Surreal Life.
6. An award at the 2008 CMTs for "Most Ironic Band Name".

But if there's any consolation for being the biggest pussies in Tennessee (and, yes, I'm including Al Gore), it's that you've already got a keul coin-holding tophat, which will come in handy when you're back to busking outside of Robert's. http://www.bigandrich.com/

18th Nervous Breakdown. The Braves find themselves at the wrong end of an epic game yet again. A few things you may have noticed that I also noticed and that I think we should now notice together and talk about and maybe share a laugh or two over:

1. Jeff Bagwell looks like he's gonna take a dump at the plate whenever he's at bat.
2. Adam LaRoche proved that it's possible for a man to run slower than Sid Bream.
3. Tim Hudson pitched a mighty fine game.
4. If you listened closely, you could hear the Fat Lady somewhere in the 8th.
5. The Cardinals are gonna win anyway.
6. Big and Rich suck nuts.
7. Skip Carey polished off a hotdog for every inning. (Not witnessed, but assumed.)

A recap of the 6 hour marathon: http://baseballanalysts.com/archives/2005/10/the_greatest_ga.php

Episode Of Candid Camera Goes Horribly Awry. New Orleans police officers are caught on tape beating the hell out of a drunk man. Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do? Watcha gonna do when they tag team you? Ahh, I think I know that answer. http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=1198870

MILFS, SIDS and ME. What raises the risk of SIDS? Do pacifiers reduce that risk? How about sleeping in the parents' room? Am I a sensitive guy who really cares about your feelings and understands your concerns and just really . . . gets you, you know, and, like, your husband's never around anyway, so why not? http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/N09345008.htm

Take That, Cervical Cancer! Cervices across the country are breathing a collective sigh of relief as a vaccine that is 100% effective against the cancer awaits approval from the FDA. http://www.seniorjournal.com/NEWS/Health/5-10-07CervicalCancer.htm

Scientology: Not For The Faint Of Heart Or Big Of Brain. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are planning for a 'silent birth' when their artificially inseminated child shows up for his first photoshoot. The 'silent birth' is something unique to Scientology, as far as I can tell, and I base this solely on the fact I know of no other religion or system of beliefs that sounds so f'n crazy.

You be the judge (an excerpt):

The doctrine states that newborns cannot be poked or prodded for medical tests or even spoken to for the first seven days of their lives, believing that babies go through so much pain during the birth, they shouldn't have to experience any further discomfort or sensory experience that could return later in life to haunt them.

But all this press? A closeted gay dad? A naive mother? The Iceman? Yes, it's the talking at age one day that will return to haunt you. And so begins a healthy relationship between parents and child. http://www.accesshollywood.com/entertainment/5067660/detail.html

How To Put Katrina Into Perspective: http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/asiapcf/10/10/quake.asia/index.html

A Band On The Daily Show? Heresy! No, the White Stripes. http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/5071405/detail.html

Chad Rucker's Class Ring Found! In Roger Hailes' Stool. And that, my friends, is cool. http://www.rogerhailes.com/poetryss2.html

Come on Steelers! (Specifically Randle El and Bettis.) I need 15 from ya!

I never thought that this day would ever come when your words and your touch just struck me numb. Oh and it's plain to see that it's dead. - Jesus and Mary Chain buy it for the fuzz!

The OC got out of the way of the Braves' bats, as well as a very shaky 1st by the hard-to-hate Smoltzy, so we were without the doe-eyed profundity of Coop and the fisticuffs of that handsome kid from Chino. Anyway, it was probably just movie night over at Sandy's.

Pitchfork Mania:

If It Ain't Broken Social Scene Don't Fix It. Wow! That's comedy! Pitchfork gives mad props to the Canadian band's latest effort. The self-titled album follows up one of my all-time faves, You Forgot It In People. In fact, YFIIP would make my top ten list, which I plan to reveal very soon. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/b/broken-social-scene/broken-social-scene.shtml

Thunder, Lightening, Strikes America! The Go! Team see the domestic release of their wonderfully party-tastic debut album without much interference from our gavels. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/g/go-team/thunder-lightning-strike-us.shtml

Semen Stains The Mountaintops. In case you missed this gem back in the 90s (like YFIIP, another must-have): http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/n/neutral-milk-hotel/in-the-aeroplane-over-the-sea.shtml

W The Sticker Mania:

Another Bad Day For George W The President. The 2005 Nobel Peace Prize, despite Bush's crossed fingers, was awarded to both "a fuggin Egypshen" and the International Atomic Energy Agency. W, who claims he had done more to force peace upon the world than anyone else this past year, was taking it hard, according to sources close to the White House. "It's a chocolate chip cookies and warm milk night if there ever was one", said one top aide. There's always next year, W. Or, perhaps, you can just get the guys who did this to you. http://edition.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/10/07/nobel.peace.main/

God Told Me To Do It. Also, He Told Me To Execute 47 Men in Texas. And eat the rest of your sandwich. The BBC will reveal in an upcoming special that Bush claimed that God told him to invade Afghanistan and Iraq. He apparently recounted his chat with the Lord to two Palestinian officals who, since then, are no doubt telling all their friends that our President is crazier than a shithouse rat. But in Arabic. http://news.independent.co.uk/world/americas/article317805.ece

Undefined Mania:

Al Pacino Is One Of Our Greatest Living Yellers! Still, my money ain't on his newest film, Two For The Money. It sounds a lot like Devil's Advocate to me. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/story/353157p-301100c.html

Conan O'Brien. Funniest Man On TV. Quirkiest? Yes. Funniest? Quite Possibly. I stayed up til around 2 last night (this morning) reading last week's New York magazine, which had a feature on Conan and New York comedy in general. The writer, Vanessa Grigoriadis, did a fair job at best. She intimated that there is some friction between Jon Stewart and Conan, and she also wouldn't shut up about Conan's under-the-breath comments about how no one watches his show because it's on so late. Vanessa, Conan just throws those comments away. There's no need to pick them apart. And while you pointed out that he has no female writers on staff, your expose of the 'ten funniest comedians in NYC whose names we don't know' covered one lone female.

The most interesting part of the article questions how Conan is going to reconcile his strange wit (and even goofier antics) with the Tonight Show when he sits at its helm in a few years. It's true, Conan's humor is offbeat and certainly filled with kind of nonsequitors that the Tonight Show's faithful are not used to and most likely not going to adapt to; however, if Jon Stweart takes over Letterman's seat, Conan might seem like a safe alternative to the politics of Stewart. Or maybe those Heartland viewers will just turn off the tube and read. Impossible. Prediction: Pimpbot will invade their homes and impregnate their daughters. Here's hoping things work out between him and Scott . . . http://www.newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/arts/features/14575/

Word Of The Day: Hyperphagia! http://www.ltspeed.com/bjblinder/14.htm

Syndrome Of The Day: Prader Willi! http://zygote.swarthmore.edu/chrom3a.html

Sentence Of The Day: Chad Rucker was not born with Prader-Willi Syndrome, but an interesting sidenote is that his breath, according to Koonce, does smell like Dan's taint.

Woman is the nigger of the world, yes she is. If you don't belive me take a look at the one you're with. - John Lennon buy it for your mama!

Re: Postings.
I lied to you and for that I apologize. It will never happen again. My apologizing, that is.

What Haa Happened To Fall? Just when we thought fall had been cancelled alongside Head Cases, it rears its beautiful head. Praise be to 50 degree nights. Praise be to opened windows. Praise be to musty sweaters. Praise be to bonfires. http://www.weather.com/

Woman Escapes Evolution Chart To Buy Groceries. Okay, so in addition to being a liar, I'm a terrible racist. But, Christ, look at the photo and tell me I'm wrong. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/06/business/06grocery.html?hp

I Thought I Told You To Take Out The Trash. Have you messed around with Google Earth yet? Well, if you live anywhere that resembles a metropolitan area, chances are you can type in your address and see, via sattelite, a picture of your house. The program raises lots of questions, like "Is Spartanburg really that blurry?" and "How long will it be before a crime is captured on Google Earth?" http://earth.google.com/

But Do We Really Want Them To Spawn? According to new studies, bicyclists, you know, the owners of our roadways, are risking the health of their gonads by doing the very thing that gives their lives meaning. As many have known all along, the seats they sit so highly on are damaging their scrotums and even causing ED, which should provide you with some sort of solace as you toot along at 15 miles/hour behind a peloton of middle-aged men. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/04/health/nutrition/04bike.html?incamp=article_popular_2

Tom and Katie: First Comes Baby, Then Comes Marriage. Then Comes Another Man In Your Husband's Arse. No mention of love. Or sanity. http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/353017p-300953c.html

Jess and Nick Hit It and Quit It. But not before filming every last bit of it, thank the Lord. We can only hope that Nick taps that ass one last time for mankind. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,171350,00.html

W The President Claims Radicals Are Trying To Intimidate The World! Bush W The President was then informed that the world includes nations other than the US and rescinded the claim. http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory?id=1189470

Abort Comment! Bill Bennett, author of The Book of Virtues, suggested on his nationally syndicated radio show that if we could abort every black baby we could eliminate crime. And let's not forget, Bill, the need for the word "nigger"! http://www.cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/09/30/bennett.comments/

Love Is Blind, Especially When It's Blindfolded With Dollar Bills. Anna Nicole Smith, not better known as Vickie Lynn, wants her lawyer to show her the money. Her late husband's (read: geriatric oil tycoon's) son wants Vickie Lynn to shut the fuck up already. Therrrrre's gonna be a showdoooown, yeah! http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory?id=1164645

Where There's a Will, There's a Razor. Strattera, a drug indicated for attention deficits, hyperactivity and general party poopery, may lead to suicidal thoughts. But, dude, you've got a paper on John Donne due in 7 hours that you haven't even started on! http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4294578.stm

Cry Me a River! Philip Rivers, Ex-Fudge/Wolfpacker, is ready for some football. A Monday night party, even. http://www.nctimes.com/articles/2005/09/30/sports/professional/chargers/22_28_359_29_05.txt

There Go My Dinner Plans. Beluga caviar is banned! First there's Iraq, then there's Katrina and now this!! What will those bastards think of next?!http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/L30501567.htm

Hobo Bush, As The Name Implies, Still Stinking Up The Place. This fantasy season has been more like a nightmare. Jamal Lewis, Kevin Jones and Tony Gonzalez have ruined my Sundays. I thought there was a God.

Chad Rucker Passed Over Yet Again. Seniority has its privileges, son. Now fondle my genitalia!

Today's Blig Will Be Up Tonight.
Last Week's Blig Will Forever Be Inside My Head.
(Insert Joke About Chad Rucker's Gonads Here)