I say my, my slow descent into alcoholism went to my head, where I really need it, with the views that remain untreated. - The New Pornographers buy it to impress the new girl at work!

Jamal Lewis Laying Eggs All Over The Field. Did I draft Jamal Lewis or Ray Lewis? Because that sumbitch is killing me! Still, Joe Horn blew up for me on Monday night, and Hobo Bush snuck by with a shameful victory this week. But with Kevin Jones and Jamal in my backfield, the season looks about as good as Deion Sanders' wardrobe.

Rita Getting Less Lovely By The Hour. The Florida Keys were hit, appropriately, like a bitch, but Rita, now a category 4 hurricane, has taken the gloves off for Texas. Yep, Mother Nature, disregarding the imperative of over 5 million bumper stickers, is fi'n to mess with Texas. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9426105/

Kate Moss: Blowing Lines and Contracts. Moss, no realtion to Randy, was apparently photographed while snorting a little bump up her nose. Subsequently, she's been dropped by Burberry, Chanel and Stella McCartney. And, unbelievably, she fallen at the same rate as an anvil every time! I still don't know how that works. Anyway, seeing as how she was dating that ex-Libertines frontman, who looks like a stool sample next to Moss, this was to be expected. Seriously, look at the guy. To be dating a model, he's either got a horse's dick in his pants or an 8 ball. http://www.forbes.com/work/feeds/afx/2005/09/21/afx2236904.html

My Money's On The 8 Ball: http://www.nndb.com/people/246/000051093/

Chesney "OK" After Annulment. Wow! That means he's doing better now than he was before the annulment. Zellweger is seeking the annulment on the grounds of "fraud", because, apparently, "we're both fucking retarded" isn't an option. http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,17416,00.html?tnews

INXS Finds New Lead Singer. Just In Time For The Big INXS Breakup!Seriously, why? http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/music/4267610.stm

Senator Leahy Backs Roberts. This marks the first time a Democrat has done anything in nearly 6 years. Roberts plans to equivocate, er celebrate. http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=10000103&sid=afRnjGOSJIt4&refer=us

The New Pornographers. Because The Old Pornographers Sucked Dick. Ha ha ha! Anyway, here's the Pitchfork interview. They're probably playing at a venue near you soon. With Carl Newman (AC Newman), Neko Case and Dan Bejar (Destroyer) in the band, it will definitely be worth the price of admission. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/interviews/n/new-pornographers-05/

Speaking Of Felatio . . . Chad Rucker was fired yesterday from Erwin Penland for trading his Dr. Phil bar to Dan Cvammen for a BJ. Said Rucker, "I just don't get it. Dan really needed the protein. I was just helping a neighbor. You know, like The Bible says." All this and more caught on tape by Brock Koonce, amateur sword-swallower, professional taint polisher!

And the power's out in the heart of man, take it from your heart put in your hand. And there's something wrong in the heart of man, you take it from your heart and put it in your hand! - Arcade Fire buy it because even with all the hype it's worth it!

Falling Creek Camp Changes Hands. This Has Nothing To Do With Pedophilia. The summer camp that churns out class-act after class-act has recently been sold to a former camper. Yours truly spent 14 years of his life there. I am one of the aforementioned class-acts. http://www.fallingcreek.com/whats_new.htm

Bush Has Something For The Have-Nots! Yeah, It's Just A Message. I guess I missed the address. Then again, seeing how it's a day late and a dollar short, I guess the rest of the nation missed it, too. http://www.cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/09/15/Bush.address.ap/index.html

What's Cool At School? Surely, CNN Knows. There are too many so-called "authorities" out there telling us what to wear and how to wear it. My pick for the new school year is easy-peezy-Japaneezy: cigarettes. Non-filtered. You see, smoking makes anyone instantly keul. So you can forego the $200 jeans and all the fuss over preppy blazers for a simple $4 pack of Marlboro Reds. Puff away, my little ones, for you are now officially too cool for school. http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2005/back.to.school/

Spears Delivers Female Redbird! Kevin "needs a smoke something fierce!" Congratulations, guys, you have brightened my otherwise miserable day. http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/09/15/britney.baby/index.html

Google Launches a Blog Search. Keller's Kards launches a . . . nothing. Nothing at all. http://informationweek.com/story/showArticle.jhtml?articleID=170703345

NBC Reaches High, Real High, Like Up In Heaven, To Improve Ratings. Three Wishes, Amy Grant's new miracle-granting primetime show, is pulling out all the stops in its marketing efforts. They've even affixed stickers to dollar bills in Dollar General and Goody's stores across the heartland. But I just have one wish: that I'll never be forced to watch this show. Ever. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/16/business/media/16nbc.html?th&emc=th

Why Do Textbooks Cost So Damn Much? Why is this Yale professor giving his students his royalties? Why am I even writing about this? A couple of those questions are answered in this op-ed piece: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/16/opinion/16ayres.html?th&emc=th

Bridget Jones' Annulment. Zellweger's squinty eyes must have opened just enough for her to see who she actually married. Kenny Chesney back in the studio to record "She Thinks My Tractor's Hers". http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/09/15/entertainment/main851257.shtml

Yard Apes! Was That Wrong? A Greenville Tech administrator loses her job thanks to her hilarious description of Katrina refugees. The sensitive administrator issued a formal apology stating she had no beef with "baboons" and, in fact, loved the way they "hoot and hollar and carry on, etc." http://www.wspa.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=WSPA%2FMGArticle%2FSPA_BasicArticle&c=MGArticle&cid=1031785060036&path=!reports!topstories

Cold Coffee: Arcade Fire Blow Up Letterman. Why they chose to play "Rebellion (Lies)" is beyond me, but nevertheless, they tore shit up. They are responsible for two of the best shows I've ever seen, without a doubt. Watch their "Power Out" video right cheer: that video i just talked about! But are you really a fan? http://arcadefire.net/

Sufjan Stevens Breaks My Heart In Two. Kinda. I have two tickets to the show in Chapel Hill and just found out that I'll be working that Sunday, so I'll have to miss the second concert in the Triangle area in the past two weeks (the first being Sigur Ros). This one hurts. If anyone wants to trade Athens for Chapel Hill, I'm game. And gamey. And if anyone just wants to pay for tickets to the show at Cat's Cradle, let me know. It should be an amazing evening.

Chad Rucker Gets An Early (Or Late Depending On Whom You Ask) Easter Basket From Mike Weston. Dan Cvammen, green with envy, "won't forget this come 360 time!"

Bad news travels fast. And if it's about you, you probably hear about it last. - Latyrx buy it cuz you need it to live!

Some Hardcore Dorks Make Some Hardcore Nerds' Day. Something about an exploding star and gamma rays and quasars and ZZZZZZZZZZZ. http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200509/s1458880.htm

Delta Flight 11. Flight Chapter 11. Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, the friendly skies gave way to some unfriendly numbers. http://news.ft.com/cms/s/f6f59564-247d-11da-a5d0-00000e2511c8.html

PS2 Power Adaptors Recalled. And unless this news makes it to one of the radio stations on Vice City: San Andreas, not one affected party will find out before it's too late. http://www.pcpro.co.uk/news/77351/sony-recalls-35m-ps2-power-adaptors.html

Now Hong Kong Is Perfect. Disney opens its newest magical land to little fanfare. This excerpt is all you need to read: Sure, it lacks some of the big rides, but the Hong Kong theme park is still fun - especially if you dig crowds and pollution, and bring a translator. http://www.businessweek.com/bwdaily/dnflash/sep2005/nf20050913_9145_db046.htm

In Other Disney News: Michael Jackson re-recording "We Are The World" for the Katrina relief. Wisely, Jackson has invited well-known artists to perform on what will surely be the first song at my wedding. The last line of the news clip: The single will be released on 2 Seas Records, a label owned by Sheik Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa of Bahrain. Good to know Jacko is back to its normal self. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/music/4241526.stm

Vitamin C May Fight Cancer! However, Cancer a 24-1 favorite. Ah, nuts, Lenny. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,169204,00.html

Other Things That May Fight Cancer:

Vitamin JC
Money
Opium
Unprotected Sex With Strangers
Asparagus
Wishful Thinking
Livestrong Bracelets
Holding Your Breath For a Really Long Time
Drunk Rednecks

W The President Publicly Takes Responsibuilty For Ineptitillityness. Privately, he takes naps and dreams of a land with even more disparity. http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/09/13/katrina.response/index.html

Airbags For Motorcycles. But What About Brains For Motorcyclists? Anyway, I'm not sure how that's really anything more than a gimmick. I mean, shouldn't the airbags just be placed on telephone poles and tree trunks? http://www.cnn.com/2005/AUTOS/09/08/honda_airbag.reut/index.html

This Just In! Chad Rucker Felates Dan Cvammen For "Creativity's Sake". And it's all caught on tape by Brockoli Koonce, amateur pornographer/fluffer.

I dreamed I was kidnapped by a guy with a mustache and a chick with an eyepatch who thought they could trade me back for some quick cash, but when they relayed the bargain my family said "We'll pay half that!" - Les Savy Fav buy it for patty hearst!

You Know What's Awesome? Creating this entire post and losing it all, including the links, because you didn't save changes before you spell-checked it. So pardon the sloppiness of this post. And I apologize in advance to the girl I'm gonna beat tonight.

It's a Fake! The Cocks pull the ole Madden play out of their arses, yet they still lose a close game to the Bulldogs. Again. Georgia looked very beatable, thanks to the McCraken Junior High-like performance of DJ Shockley. http://uscsports.collegesports.com/

Blueprint For Failure. Did anyone else watch the end of the GA Tech/UNC game? What the fuck was up with that play calling? Tech was winning the game by a couple TDs and still came out passing for three consecutive series. Here's a crazy concept for you coaches out there: Run the clock out by running the ball. You see, you want to be ahead when there's no time left on the clock. http://www.sportsnetwork.com/default.asp?c=sportsnetwork&page=/cfoot/news/AFN3979165.htm

Notre Dame Starting To Justify Their NBC Contract Again. Michigan looked like a Johnny On The Spot after lunch hour, but congrats still go out to Charlie Weiss, a man whose arteries might just be the best blocked thing on the field each Saturday. http://www.tsn.ca/ncaa/news_story.asp?id=135882

Tigers Playing Like Winners. Key Word: Playing. Everyone knows they're losers, including themselves. And including their next opponent: Miami. http://www.thetigernet.com/

Hobo Bush Banking On Cocaine-Crazed Jamal. The first game of my Fantasy season sees two of my RBs sitting out due to injuries, and a third, Jamal "Just a Bump" Lewis, likely to get no more than 15 touches. http://www.usdoj.gov/usao/gan/press/10-07-04.html

And Then: Hobo Bush's Abysmal Day. No TDs between my RBs, WRs and TE, who just so happens to be Tony F'n Gonzales. Oh, and my QB, Jake Plummer, did have a walk in the park, as was predicted, only it was interrupted by a mugging, which was interrupted by an ass-raping. At least I didn't draft Javon Walker. Here's to the waivers . . . http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9314175/

The Only Thing Bigger Than Mitch Albom's Ego? His Ears. If you don't get up by 10am EST to watch The SportsReporters, you should. You'd not only see a man who has no doubt been called Dumbo more times than W The President, but you'd also see the 2nd best show on ESPN. http://www.albom.com/

Image Is Everything. But Winning. 35-yr old Agassi faced Federer in the US Open finals yesterday and, as many predicted, was left standing with a gay-ass plaque after the match. Roger is 71-3 this season. For real, I'd even consider sucking his dick. http://www.abc.net.au/sport/content/200509/s1458232.htm

Cheney Told To Fuck Himself. At which point Dick The VP revealed that W The President has already beaten him to the punch. http://www.capitolhillblue.com/artman/publish/article_7357.shtml

Me Jealous? Never! Les Moonves says this new CBS show might be the next Friends. It could definitely be the resurrection of Neil Patrick Harris. Say it ain't Sosa! http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/11/arts/television/11stei.html?th&emc=th

Have You Bought One Of My Cards Lately? Click on one of the buttons to the left and help a brotha eat something other than Ramen.

Has Anyone Seen Rucker's Genitalia Lately? Yeah, neither has he, but according to some first-floorers, if you've ever seen pigs' feet for sale in a Lil Cricket, you've pretty much seen his genitalia. Whatever that means.

There's a shadow on the wall and it's nine feet tall, and our hearts won't sink 'cause it's obviously nothing at all. And in a roundabout way we can disappear towards the coast. The most I have to say isn't really that revealing at all. - Architecture in Helsinki buy it cuz i missed their show!

That's (Amissville) where I'm heading, so don't expect much out of me until Monday morning. Honestly, have you ever expected much out of me? That's what I thought, mom.

Oh, and Chad Blows! Dan!

Boards on the window, mail by the door, what would anybody leave so quickly for? - The Band buy it for the relief effort!

Extreme Makeover: Superdome Edition. They're tearing the roof off the muthasucka. Then the walls and beams and foundation. Yep, the Superdome looks like it's gonna be demolished, but I'm sure a better, less dookie-filled dome will take it's place. http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/09/07/katrina.impact/index.html

Gilligan Dead. Finally! He should have been killed long ago for not banging Mary Anne or Ginger. Or both. At the same time. In the showers. Oh, I'll be right back . . . http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/09/06/denver.obit.ap/index.html

TO Is Sweet On Donovan. Plans to talk to him after recess by the lockers outside of Ms. Stevenson's Language Arts class. Ooooooooh. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a solid third round pick in our draft last night. http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2153987

Is There A Cowardly Way To Terminate? We shall see when a Same-Sex Mariage Bill lands on Arnold's desk. But if you can't wait, the answer is "yes". It just requires a lot of mumbo jumbo. Not a sexy movie premise. http://www.cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/09/07/gay.marriage.ap/index.html

Just say NO to George. The water is beginning to recede. Nagin issues another mandatory evacuation for the 1000s still in the city. And Bush The W President orders an investigation into what went wrong. Initial findings point to last November. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/07/national/nationalspecial/07storm.html?th&emc=th

Cigarettes, Chocolate Milk and Opera. Rufus Wainwright talks about his cravings. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/07/arts/music/07rufu.html?th&emc=th

Happy BDay EBay! But is it the perfect store?http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/07/opinion/07wed3.html?th&emc=th

Exeter: Stage Left. Wait, I shouldn't send my kids to boarding school? But that means they'll have to share the halls with the poor, the ugly and, God forbid, the blacks! That's right, all my friends do tell me there were minorities at their private schools, they just forget to mention that those minorities don't graduate to work at McDonald's . . . if they're lucky. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/07/opinion/07sittenfeld.html?pagewanted=1&th&emc=th

Deja Whew. Tropical Storm Ophelia is heading for Florida. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/09/07/national/main821665.shtml

Chad Rucker Eats Thode's Boogers. I know because I saw it happen one day in the garage. Oh, and you can add 'ass' to that list, as well. I saw that, too.

It seems we living the American dream, but the people highest up got the lowest self-esteem; the prettiest people do the ugliest things. - Kanye West buy it for your terminators!

Sigur Ros Tickets For Sale (Durham)! I purchased the tix the day after they went on sale. I talked all about it in a fascinating posting back in July. Everyone loved that post. Seriously, I had like so many people write in to tell me how much that post meant to them. One guy even said that it turned his life around. Hope you're still doing well Dan! Anyway, I was tres excited about the concert at the Carolina Theater, but I've recently decided that there is no way I can make it back to the Triangle for the Icelandic electro-ambient-psych-rockers. I'll be drafting the best fantasy football team since Hobo Bush 1. I won't bore you with any more of the details.

I've got 2 tickets in the upper balcony (two rows back, center, I believe). Any takers?? Shoot me an email asap. The concert is tomorrow night. The tickets are in Chapel Hill as we speak.

Pitchfork Claps Their Hands And Says Yeah Over The New Kanye West Album. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/w/west_kanye/late-registration.shtml

Kanye West Does Not Give Props To The White House. And somehow that's news. http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,17294,00.html?tnews

Chief Justice Renquist Cross-Examined By Grim Reaper. John Roberts and Geroge W The President shed tears. Of joy. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/06/opinion/06tue1.html?hp

Who Needs Terrorists? Another commercial plane goes down without the help of religious radicals. In just 4 weeks, that brings the number of doomed flights up to 'Oh my God Greyhound's starting to sound pretty nice.' http://www.forbes.com/business/feeds/afx/2005/09/06/afx2207108.html

Gas Prices Fall, But I'm Still Siphoning The Stuff Out of My Dad's Car. You're Number #1 Dad! http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/energy/2005-09-06-oil_x.htm

Armstrong Proposes To Crow With a One of a Kind Yellow, Rubber Ring. According to Hincappie, the couple has already registered at Balco. http://msn.foxsports.com/cycling/story/4842446

Chad Rucker Has Horrible Diarrhea Today!

Drunk as hell but no throwin up, half way home and my pager still blowin up. Today I didn't even have to use my AK . . . I got to say it was a good day. - Ice Cube buy it for your rims!

1 of 1 People Found The Following Review Fantabulous! Rarely do I click on the links to the music I open my posts with - you know, after posting them - but I was bored yesterday and clicked on the Lorreta Lynn & Conway Twitty link. And I stumbled upon a gem. The review (the only review) of the album is a damn fine read. You see, Jerry from Ohio has a very polished philosophy on the 12 hit collection. Enjoy:

All their hits on one CD! Jerry McDaniel (Leesburg, OH USA) - See all my reviews This CD contains 12 hits and ironically that's just how many Conway and Loretta had as a duo. So, this CD is a must for those one kind of fans who only want hits and nothing else. However, by displaying only the hits and not the popular album tracks they also performed in concert ("Spiders and Snakes", "God Bless America Again", "You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly", "Bar Room Habits", among others), the CD doesn't really let a newcomer hear the friendship and the bantering during musical passages and the laughter during their comedy songs that you might hear on other collections. This in no way means that the 12 hits are no good...it's just that Conway and Loretta's impact goes beyond their 12 hits together recorded between 1971 and 1981. You might ask yourself: 12 songs in 10 years? Well, Conway insisted on releasing only one duet single and album a year so that he could still release three solo singles a year and not have to worry about competition with his own self via the duet with Loretta! Loretta ran her career much the same way. Six of the songs on this CD went #1 while the other six reached the Top-10. Their signature song is 1973's "Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man" but it was their first duet in 1971, "After The Fire Is Gone", that won a Grammy. I love the quirky "Lovin' What Your Lovin' Does To Me", "I Still Believe In Waltzes", and "It's True Love". Conway and Loretta still remain the most awarded male/female duo in Country Music history. I give the CD four stars because of the fact that MCA only explored the 12 hits.

Art Garfunkle Busted With Herb. Sadly, Peaches Nowhere To Be Found. Prior to the recent drug busts, the last time the news caught up with Art G he was trying to memorize the dictionary. No shit. He was on the Today Show about 10 years ago and had made it up to E or F or so. Needless to say, Art hasn't had quite the same career as Paul. But he can twist a mean spliff. Let's call it even. http://breakingnews.iol.ie/entertainment/story.asp?j=154307596&p=y543x83xz

Cell Phones Do Not Cause Cancer! Importance, However, Is Another Matter. Still, I predict a class-action lawsuit in about 10 years. Scientists have been wrong before. I mean, they once thought man evolved from fish! http://www.cbc.ca/story/science/national/2005/08/31/cell_phone_study20050831.html

It's Raining Men - Forever! According to scientists who had nothing to do with the above study, men are not going extinct. Take that Oprah! The Y Chromosome, or dick chromosome to you laymen, is doing just fine, despite Roger Dodger's opening scene's best efforts to convince us otherwise. http://www.forbes.com/technology/2005/08/31/male-sex-chromosome-cz_rl_0831male.html

They Shootin'! They Shootin'! Refugees waiting to be rescued from the deteriorating conditions at the Superdome will have to wait a little longer. The evacuation was put on hold because of some shots that were fired at the rescuers. Hey, no one ever said anything about not shooting the hand that feeds you. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9156612/

We'll Die On That Bridge When We Get To It. Nearly 1,000 Iraqis are presumed dead after a pilgrimage turned into a stampede. The chaos was sparked by rumors of a bomb threat. http://www.zaman.com/?bl=international&alt=&trh=20050901&hn=23582

Let The Dumb Whore Tour Begin. Cindy Sheehan, poet laureate, is decamping and heading back to somewhere to be with someone. She then plans on saving the world or having lunch or something. Her brilliance:

"When I first started here, I was sitting in the ditch thinking, `What the heck did I do? Texas in August, the chiggers, fire ants, rattlesnakes, uncomfortable accommodations' - but I'm going to be sad leaving here," Sheehan said. "I hope people will say that the Camp Casey movement sparked a peace movement that ended the war in Iraq."

Cindy, did you ever know you were my hero? Seriously, you're hurting your own cause, you fucking chigger-fearing genius! http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,167994,00.html

Chad Rucker/Staurt Scott/Thodester/Crumpet Fourway Coming To DVD!