Well, I thought I'd been loved but I never had til I was wrapped in the arms of a Mississippi man. When he holds me close it feels almost like another hurricane just ripped the coast. If he can't come to me I'm gonna go to him . . . that Mississippi River, Lord, I'm gonna swim. - Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty buy it for your F150!

Superdome Not Living Up To Its Name. What looked liked a bit of luck for the Crescent City on Monday morning has turned out to be anything but. The situation is unbelievable. Hundreds, possibly thousands, are thought to be dead. And that's just in the NO metro area. That doesn't take into consideration Mississippi, Alabama or Florida. Any way you look at it, it's terrible. And the water continues to rise. http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-08-31-astrodome_x.htm

Here He Comes To Save The Day! George W The President finally left Crawford to deal with the catastrophe. It seems like he could have been better prepared. Nothing could have stopped it, but certainly the response could have been better orchestrated. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,167699,00.html

Show Me Your Looting Tits! As predicted, looting has been widespread. Many of the images we've seen, though, have been of people looting Wal-Mart. Come on, when you're gonna steal shit, steal some worthwhile shit. http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-083005looters_wr,0,562628.story?coll=la-home-headlines

Understandable Targets of Looters:

Water
Food
Diapers
Medical Supplies

Not Cool At All to Loot:

Plasma TVs
DVDs
Cameras
Riding Mowers
Jewelry

Honestly, where the hell do you plan on pawning that shit? And if you keep it, where are you gonna plug it in? Your entire city is under water. Maybe your priorities should shift a tad. Just a tad, folks. Seriously, is it really necessary that you have the latest version of Halo right now? Up, up, down, down, left, right, left right, you've got 30 free men and zero surviving family members!

More Stupid Human Tricks. I usually side with the underdog, the whistleblower, the fly in the ointment, but Cindy Sheehan is a complete imbecile. I have my suspicions that she's working for the Bush administration. Her interview on NPR the other day was embarrassing, to say the least. If you missed it, it went something like this:

NPR: So your son volunteered for the army, right?
Cindy: You don't know what you're talking about. You're dumb! Does that justify my son's murder? Does that justify the killing of millions? I'm a hero. My son was cool. Unlike you.

NPR: Okay, so -
Cindy: I only have 2 minutes. Make that one minute and 57 seconds.

NPR: What have you heard from W Bush The President?
Cindy: I'm tired of talking about that. Like do you have anything original to ask?

NPR: Ah, well, how did the -
Cindy: Hello? Hello? I'm losing you.

-Click-

NPR: That was retarded . . . and I apologize for that.

A link to the interview (that may not work): http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4822109

The Rocket Looking Very NASA-Like. Andy Roddick takes an early exit at the US Open. http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/342132p-292072c.html

Martha No Longer Grounded. Martha Stewart, the newest star of a reality show that I can't wait to watch, is off house arrest. Her immediate plans include a trip to the Big Easy where she'll show the locals how to incorporate a stunning water feature into their flooded living rooms - using only some ribbon, a crack pipe and sea salt!http://money.cnn.com/2005/08/30/news/newsmakers/martha_release/

Chad Rucker's Lawyer Fist-Deep In Nuttin' But Thode! That's the end of the story, thank God.

Whenever I get dressed up, I feel like an ex-con trying to make good. Jean jacket and tie feel like such a lie. When I go to your house I feel like I'm casing the joint. - Smog buy it for a rainy day!

Jim Cantore's Endorphens Going Totally Ape. Hurricane Katrina, packing sustained winds of over 150 mph, is expected to leave around 1,000,000 people homeless and around 1,000,000 homeless people really homeless. The Crescent City may have been spared a bit, but you wouldn't know it from channel surfing. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/08/29/national/main799664.shtml

Suge Knight Shot, Pat Robertson Questioned. Suge Knight, a class-act thug, was shot at an MTV party that I wish I could have attended. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/ArticleNews/TPStory/LAC/20050829/NOTE29-6/TPEntertainment/TopStories

Chad Rucker Still 'All Up In' The Thodester! Grody to the max, says one ex-coworker.

This Just In! Weru Windows Are Awesome! I've been on the road a bit lately, so my postings have been MIA. And when I haven't been burning through $3/gallon gas, I've been out on Wadmalaw Island freeloading per usual. But now I'm in NC. Heading to the coast . . . I'll be back soon. I love you so much.

So go look all around, you can try your luck, brother, and see what you found. But I guarantee you that it ain't your day, your time, it ain't your day. - The Clash buy it you bell-end!

Today was my first day on the new job. It's been two weeks since I last worked. Two years if you're scoring at home. Anywho, whew! I am not really cut out for manual labor. Correction: I am not cut out for labor.

Horse 1. Madonna 0. Madonna, our favorite coned-tittied children's author gets thrown from a horse that she was supposedly not trying to pleasure. http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5478,16297771^2902,00.html

New Name. Same Shit. In case you missed it, P Diddy has dropped the P. So now it's just who the fuck cares without the hard 'p' sound. http://www.sky.com/showbiz/article/0,,50001-1192499,00.html

That's all I have in my tank. More tomorrow . . . night . . .

I'm gonna take you on a trip so far from here. I've got two tickets in my pocket, now baby, we're gonna disappear. We've waited so long, waited so long. - Eddie Money yet another album I don't recommend!

Farewell Cousin, Here We're Frozen. So the guy made it all up. Not the crash, that was unfortunately very real, but the text he said he received from a cousin that wasn't even on the plane. Oh, right, we just got Punk'd. Hilarious! Anyway, they say at least 6 people were still alive when the plane went down. The details are horrific. Undoubtedly, this will be on my mind when I fly next. Why I think I'm unlucky enough to die in a plane crash, yet still buy lottery tickets is beyond me. Then again, maybe it's my belief that anything could happen. Well, except that Greek dude who made up the text story not being a complete shit. That could never happen. http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/08/15/greece.crash.1437/

Is NASA Now Flying Commercial? Another plane goes down, crashing in Venezuela, killing 160. Both engines on the MD-82 are believed to have failed. The plane was heading from Panama to Martinique. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4156224.stm

Back To School Remake Starring Tommy Lee Airs Tonight. Apparently, much of the reality has been staged. Who woulda thunk it? http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/reviews/2005-08-15-tommy-lee-review_x.htm

SPF 12 Steps. Studies suggest that tanning is addictive. Seems I've got yet another vice. What next? Alcohol's addictive? Jesus, let me work, let me live! http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,165810,00.html

Why I Have Friends: "Their findings revealed that while both absolute and relative income are important, relative is more prevalent in determining one's happiness. One alternative strategy would be to "hang out" with poorer people, according to the study." http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2005-08/15/content_3355634.htm

My Sister's Dick of a Landlord in Williamsburg. He is not a known pedophile, but it's only a matter of time. So what did the guy do? He raised her rent and then had the audacity to charge her for work he did to the yard two weeks ago while she was on summer break. Oh, and her AC was broken at the time. Let's just hope he doesn't bill her for the repairs.

Landlord Douchebag: "Ah, I just painted my apartment, you know, the one you're renting from me, and I spent an assload of time and money on it, so I'm gonna need you to go ahead and reimburse me for the paint and labor."

Walker Texas Ranger to Landlord Douchebag: "Ah, I'm gonna go ahead and need you to stand back about 20 feet because I don't want any of your blood to splatter on my Nocona boots."

Seriously, people like her landlord need to be stopped. Taking advantage of people is not cool. At all. It sucks to be a female, because they get taken advantage more than most, especially in those sorts of circumstances. But it also sucks to be poor, a minority, elderly, handicapped, you name it, pretty much anything other than a big, fat white guy with a humidor within arm's reach. God Bless The USA!

Katrina, My Sister's Ex-Roommate, Also Sucks Donkey Dick. Never met her, but she is now on my shit list, which follows:

1. Stuart Scott - You must be shit, because you're on my list.
2. George W Bush The President - I already had him. Yeah, that's right, I said I had him.
3. Chad Rucker - Did you not hear what I said about his stool? It's on his hands!
4. Katrina The Roommate - She'll never amount to more than the $400 she stole from my sister.
5. Star Jones - If gluttony is a deadly sin, why is she still alive?
6. Landlord Douchebag - It's a good thing he didn't add on to the apartment.
7. Reva - She's on here for just being an idiot. More on this later.
8. Testman (That Verizon Wireless Polesmoker) - He and Jared need to fuck already.
9. Baby Bob - Have we missed the abortion window? Is the 14th trimester considered late term?
10. Verizon Wireless - You don't write ads for them for nearly 3 years without being ass-raped a few dozen times. Heck, I may have been mouth-raped a couple of times. I've tried to block it all out.
11. Blue Cross/Blue Shield - Why Blue? Because that's what color your face will be after filing only one measly claim.
12. Max - A Standard Poodle that used to chase me when I was like 10. He's most likely dead now, but I'll leave him on the list for a few more years for good measure.
13. J Lo - Your music sucks. Your taste sucks. Your fragrance sucks. Mark Antony sucks. Literally, he sucks dick. And your ass? It sucks, too. Despite what VH1 would have us believe, your life is in no way, shape or form "fabulous". You don't hold a candle to the real Jennifer Lopez. Yeah, that's right, the one on The Weather Channel.
14. Kinkos - No business is filled with more incompetence than this place. Stop fucking around with your CEOs and lawyers and start concentrating on your employees.
15. Jimmy Kimmel - Sarah Silverman

Late Breaking News:

16. Jim Demint - He doesn't believe homosexuals should be allowed to teach school. And if he believed they shouldn't be allowed to be politicians, he'd be unemployed.
17. Drew Rosenhaus - The Terrible Owens stuff was one thing, but Billy Volek? Shut up already!!
18. Dan Patrick - Worst interviews ever. Plus, the cameras seem to add 15 lbs. of smug to his face.
19. Hitler - What an asshole!

And by the way, I'm heading to the coast to sell windows. If you're interested in some great windows . . . www.henselstone.com . . . I really can't say enough about those blessed windows!

I like mine with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and French-Fried potatoes. - Jimmy Buffet don't buy it, it sucks! seriously!

There's nothing like a chili-cheeseburger - all the way - with freshly cut fries and a side of slaw to start your day. If you're ever in the area (Upstate SC), you must pay a visit to Ike's. It's smack dab in the middle of an old mill village, which means it was decorated with PBR and NASCAR in mind. For dinner, it has to be the Spice (as in Sugar 'n). And if you're feeling lucky, maybe the Beacon for breakfast. Just make sure you go into it with a will, for your arteries will be flowing as well as 285 around rush hour. And by the way, Jimmy Buffet has no fucking clue as to what makes a good burger. Or a good song.

TO TO TO TO! I'm still not taking you before the 6th Round. Hobo Bush don't play that. http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/writers/peter_king/08/15/mmqb/

Behind The Music: Hobo Bush http://www.upstatelink.com/issues/2004/12/27/2004122755670.htm

Man's Fantasy Is Girlfriend's Nightmare. No, it's not the menage a trois or bottom sex or dressing up like a Catholic school girl, it's fantasy football and it can be even more difficult for the farier sex to deal with than the aforementioned hackneyed fantasies. Yep, 5 months of putting up with you logging onto your computer at 2AM, stressing out about trades all week and not leaving the TV all day Sunday or Monday night or, heck, now not even Wednesday night, will have your girlfriend wishing your fantasies only dealt with knee-high socks and plaid skirts. Oh well, it's that time of the year again, so my only suggestion is that you share some of your winnings with your lady. It's the right thing to do. Let's just hope that's not the most chivalrous thing you ever do. And your getting up to get the washcloth doesn't qualify. The best place to get your game on and piss your girlfriend off: http://cbs.sportsline.com/fantasy

Lefty He Can't Sing The Blues. Because he's holding the Wanamaker Trophy! Alls I know is the Paxil or Xanax he's been taking is working like a charm (even though he does have a creepy, medicated smile on his face all the time now). And Tiger, who we all thought was out of it, waaay out of it, somehow finished two shots back. As much as I dislike Woods (after all, he is a succesful minority), I wanted so badly to see a playoff with his ginormous teeth in it. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/8961619/

Firebird Festival Sputters Across The Finish Line. This past weekend's Firelake Festival went off without a hitch, say festival coordinators, but also without a crowd, say locals. Early estimates suggest anywhere between 5 and 7 people showed up for the Noodlefest held in Gaffney, SC. http://www.firelakefestival.com/

This Will Only Hurt A Little Bit. Man shot his wife, who was in an Atlanta hospital recovering from heart surgery, then turned the gun on himself. And pulled the trigger. Which fired a bullet. Into his skull. Which ended his life. And some people say I over-explain!!http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/national/AP-Hospital-Shootings.html

Marine Of The Year Does Something Very Unmarine Of The Year-Like. And so he's arested on attempted murder charges. http://www.edmontonsun.com/News/World/2005/08/15/1173958-sun.html

Mister Blue Sky, please tell us why you had to hide away for so long. Where did we go wrong? - ELO buy it for your VW!

I've got some bad news if your name is Reva: I'm not dead. That's right, I'm still livin' large, pimpin', rollin', chillin', whatever in the greater Spartanburg area. However, Reva, you had good reason to think that I had "up and died". After all, my posts have been sporadic at best and pathetic at worst. So I apologize. Not for being alive, but for the posts. And I'd say it won't happen again, but we'd all know that would be what my therapist calls a "lie". Though, in contrast, that lie would have little to do with my father's touching of my buttocks. But I digress. So let's just leave it at this: I'll try my darn-tootenest from here on out.

Bush The President Will Only Pull Out When His Seed Of Democracy Is Planted. Still, a few mothers of dead soldiers are a little tired of the ass-raping. http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2005-08-11-bush-firm-iraq_x.htm?POE=NEWISVA

School Killer Released From Detention Hall. The Arkansas boy killed like 8 people about 7 years ago, and to the dismay of Jonesboro PTA members, is now being released. As an added bonus, he just tunred 21. Hooray Malt Liqour and Loosened Screws! http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/08/12/jonesboro.shooter/

Do We Really Need Reviews Of Deuce Bigalow -European Gigolo? I mean, couldn't the review simply be "Deuce Bigalow - European Gigolo"? Does that not tell us all we need to know about the movie? Could it possibly scream "Don't Fucking See This Movie No Matter How Low Your IQ" any louder? Apparently not. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/story/336445p-287362c.html

A Little TO For TO. I bet I'm the only one to write that! Terrell Owens and Drew Rosenhaus want more money. But the Eagles don't look like they're gonna budge with a contract that was signed just last year. So TO has apparently been insubordinate at training camp and was actually sent home yesterday. Andy Reid said the situation was between him and TO. TO and Drew, however, went on a couple shows (including PTI) pleading their case. In other words, don't take Owens before the 5th round. Oh, and while we're on PTI (kinda), how many times did Hugh Douglas say "tough" in his 5 Good Minutes Segment? I lost count at 7 gazillion. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/12/sports/football/12eagles.html

A List Of People I May Know Personally Who Do Not Wash Their Hands After Going Number Two or A List Of People You Do Not Want As Your Phrenologist, Your Masseuse, Your Chef, Your Dentist Or Your Teammate After A Really Exciting Play That Demands A High Five, Like An Unassisted Double Play To End An Inning:

1. Chad Rucker - An ex-coworker who defecates 5 times a day and wipes about 3.
2. Stuart Scott - Unsanitary and black! Can it get any worse?
3. Star Jones - Yes.
4. George W Bush (The President) - The dude needs stickers to remind him of his occupation, he's definitely not remembering to wash his hands.
5. Me - Oh, and by the way, it was great meeting you the other day!
6. Drew Rosenhaus - If his Crackberry can't do it, he can't do it.
7. Jim DeMint - Just Changes Colostomy Bags.

Heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard from another you been messin' around. - REO Speedwagon buy it, radio shack employee!

We Want You! To Regret Ever Joining The National Guard. Bush The President says he'll keep the troops over in I-Rack as long as the ideology of the evil-doers remains evilicious. Can I get an 'ideology' from the front pew?! Ideology! http://www.guardian.co.uk/uslatest/story/0,1282,-5191460,00.html

NASA As Good With Words As They Are With Space. From the link: Mission managers could not guarantee that a piece of the blanket won't rip off during re-entry and slam into the spacecraft, but they said the chance of that happening was remote. Ahhh, as comforting as an old tee shirt. http://www.newsday.com/news/nationworld/nation/ats-ap_us10aug04,0,3958958.story?coll=ny-leadnationalnews-headlines

Robert Novak Throws a Hissy, Gets Tossed From CNN. He dropped an S-Bomb in James Carville's general direction and stormed off the set of a normally boring blowhard-friendly show. Proof that being a douchebag cathes up with you sooner or later: http://today.reuters.com/news/NewsArticle.aspx?type=entertainmentNews&storyID=2005-08-05T083442Z_01_N05188920_RTRIDST_0_ENTERTAINMENT-MEDIA-NOVAK-DC.XML

Intelligent Design. Not So Intelligent President. As if Iraq weren't alienating him enough, Bush The President endorses Intelligent Design, a theory that claims that a greater force than evolution was at work at the time of our creation, and wants it to be taught in schools across the country. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,164446,00.html

It's a Short Life After All. Those who predicted that Mickey Mouse would kill again were right. This time, the victim was snuffed out at Typhoon Lagoon, a water park that surprisingly does not count "death" as one of its features. http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/08/05/disney.death.ap/index.html

Angelina's Mohawked Son, Maddox, Calls Pitt 'Daddy'! Hey, has anyone else out there noticed that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are hot? Whew! They are sooo hot. Someone needs to cover that story - stat. http://entertainment.news.com.au/story/0,10221,16159828-7485,00.html

The Dookie Of Hazzard. The Hollywood adaptation of that wonderful TV show that harks back to a simpler time when women wore only panties, everyone had a moonshine still and black folk were rarely seen and even more rarely heard from, is getting shat upon by almost everyone, except, I'm sure, for some no-name from an NBC affiliate out in Des Moines. He hasn't had this much fun at the movies all summer!! http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Movies/08/05/review.hazzard/index.html

Yoga May Help You Lose Weight. And Friends! Yogis, the most obnoxious, self-righteous exercisers in America, report a 5 pound weight loss over a ten-year period. Oooh! Sign me up! I've got a beach weekend planned for 2016 and I just have to fit into my favorite bathing suit. http://www.allheadlinenews.com/cgi-bin/news/newsbrief.plx?id=2246512222&fa=1

But it's too late to say you're sorry. How would I know? Why should I care? Please don't bother trying to find her, she's not there. - The Zombies buy it, rucker!

So I've spent a very eventful night at the Nu-Way, Spartanburg's most awesomest bar by far, getting my drink on! Canned beers and greasy burgers . . . until I start getting those thin envelopes from Wachovia, unemployment has no cons.

Badge of Disbelief. 4 deaths, an emergency landing, 300 cases of heat exhaustion and one presedential visit later, this year's Jamboree will go down as the last for every single Boy Scout in attendance, not to mention the heroes who gave the ultimate sacrifice while pitching a tent. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8705262/

God Bless Texas. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/01/education/01bible.html?hp&ex=1122868800&en=ca634381bfcb9311&ei=5094&partner=homepage

Kaboom! NASA is sill fucked, and the maintenance we all witnessed on the Today Show did little to convinve us otherwise. Seriously, remind me why anyone outside of the thrid grade would want to be an astronaut. Oh yeah, the dehyrated ice cream. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/01/science/space/01shuttle.html?hp&ex=1122868800&en=08a060cd1a919e90&ei=5094&partner=homepage

These Hurricanes Are Strong! According to Jim Cantore and other meteorology geniuses, hurricanes are increasing in strength. And they love it in the pooper, according to those same people. http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/science/07/31/hurricanes.globalwrm.ap/index.html

Say It Ain't Sosa! Rafael Palmeiro's 'stache is all jacked up!http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,164664,00.html

Brain-Dead Woman (Isn't That A Bit Redundant?) Gives Birth. To a beautiful baby cucumber. http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/english/doc/2005-08/04/content_466262.htm

Koreans Clone Dog! And there you were thinking they could only do nails . . . http://msnbc.msn.com/id/8808883/

See you suckas later - I'm going to throw up in my parents' bathroom. You know, show 'em how much I care . . .