You better not to try to stand in my way as I'm a walkin' out the door. Take this job and shove it, I ain't workin' here no more. - Johnny Paycheck buy it, big country!

Ah, unemployment.

If you're not a complete imbecile, you know that I'm leaving my job today. My blig will probably be a bit more sporadic for the next month or so, but do check in, mom. When I look back on my nearly three years as a "copywriter", I remember only the good things (because I'm a half-full kinda guy). And none better than: "There are a lot of ways to manage your airtime minutes. But #BAL is quick and easy!" And who can forget "The Red Hot Deal Days! They're Red Fucking Hot, Bitches!"? My guess: No one.

Oh, how I miss you already. Sniff. Sniff.

Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare. - David Bowie buy it, space cowboy!

Houston, We Have a Fireball: Astronauts Eagerly Awaiting Being Referred to as "Heroes" by Their Tombstones. No doubt, NASA is in a state of clusterfuckness. In fact, they are scrapping all future missions. But I say scrap the whole money-draining program. Or, at least, let's go back to manning the shuttles with baboons or whatever they were manning the things with before the brass started pushing men and women off the cliff. Or how about convicts? Our prisons are overcrowded.

For me, my dreams of Space Camp and zero gravity started and ended with the Challenger's launch. After that, my interest was only in the "No, Bud Light" and "What Does This Button Do?" jokes. Funyn stuff to a 5th grader. At any rate, NASA seems to be one debacle after the next. And I don't know if those astronauts will return safely, but I do know that I'd prefer to be anyone else right now. My advice to them: make fast friends with those suckers on the Space Station and put their shuttle up on cinder blocks out front. And have as much sex as possible.

Actually, this could be the best Survivor series ever! Get voted off and you're flying back to Earth in the most expensive coffin in the world, the Space Shuttle Discovery.

It's only fitting, then, that as I say goodbye to my cubicle (officially tomorrow) and begin my search for a more fulfilling career, I leave you with my list of least favorite jobs.

My Least Favorite Jobs (The First Jobs to be Crossed Off of my Job Hunt List)

1. Astronaut
2. Prison Guard
3. Star Jones' Refrigerator Light
4. Fluffer
5. Big Brother 7 Contestant
6. Accountant
7. Clown
8. Copywriter
9. Laura Bush
10. Waiter
11. Garbage Man
12. Lindsay Lohan's Nose
13. Human Cannonball

The regular posting (and my last behind this computer) will continue tomorrow. I'm off to drink the past 2 and a half years away. Cheers.

She'll only come out at nights, the lean and hungry type. Nothing is new, I've seen her here before. Watching and waiting, ooh, she's sittin' with you, but her eyes are on the door. - Hall and Oates buy it, you dancing fool!

I threw up on Friday. I turned 30 on Sunday. And my job comes to an end in 4 days. Despite what Jack Van Impe would have us believe, I doubt this is the end of the world, but things sure are getting dicey around here, which helps to explain why my blig has suffered lately. So as I mourn the loss of my innocence, I apologize to both of you.

Goodbye 20s.
Goodbye Sewanee.
Goodbye "I'm not too old for you. Now, let's get you out of those Underoos."
Goodbye Mississippi River.
Goodbye neighbor buried in my backyard.
Goodbye Tattletales.
Goodbye Greenville.
Goodbye "Nah, you don't need to check me for colon cancer."
Goodnight Moon.

We Want You! And Your Blue Blockers! Much to the delight of Piccadilly patrons, the army has raised its minimum age (okay, by just a few years).
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/22/politics/22recruit.html?th&emc=th

Quitting the Band. John Byce, SHS Alum and hairy friend of mine, says 'thee ya' to the Fruit Bats. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/22.shtml#fruit

Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Your Office's Weak As Shit Coffee. Stub your toe? That's the work of Al Qaeda. Get caught speeding? Al Qaeda! Step in dog poo? Pleased to meet you . . . first name Al, last name Qaeda. And Hurricane Emily? Oh, you just know Al Queda was behind that. Dude, their job is easier than mine. They just sit back and take credit for pretty much anything that goes wrong in your life, especially tragedies. I don't know if they're really behind the London bombings, but, of course, they say they are. And Egypt's bombings, too . . . http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2005-07/22/content_3254782.htm

Update: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/25/international/europe/25qaeda.html?th&emc=th

54-40 or Fight. A little shout-out to JKP and WSC Jr.
http://www.presidentsusa.net/1844slogan.html

Be Prepared. To Be Electrocuted. http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/07/25/jamboree.deaths.ap/index.html

Like All Beautiful Girls, This One Needs To Zip It. Natalie Portman was, for a while, worried that her short hair was sending out the wrong message, "like I'm a neo-nazi or a cancer victim or a lesbian!" Yeah, no real difference in those messages. http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/52302004.htm

Where's Mom? Oh, She's Out In The Van With The Cable Guy. Teri Hatcher hits it and quits it in a van down by the river. So considerate - and classy!
http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/52272004.htm

Jennifer Aniston's Ex Selling Love Letters! No, not that ex, an ex from high school. Wait, the story just got a whole lot better . . .

From CNN: Michael Baroni, a California lawyer who claims he had a summer romance in 1984 with Aniston, is selling keepsakes such as a makeshift birthday card she wrote on a piece of toilet paper and a childhood picture of the pair.

From Me: And so then I checked it out on Ebay and apparently the letters are all written by this idiot guy, not Aniston (oh, and the red pen is a relevant detail). Plus, the picture is a Photoshop job.

From Ebay: I am selling EVERY love letter I wrote to Jennifer Aniston, including a makeshift birthday card I wrote on a piece of toilet paper. The package includes: a piece of paper with Aniston's name and phone number written in lipstick, a love letter from me to Jennifer handwritten in red pen, a note written on toilet paper with birthday wishes from me to Jenn for her 17th birthday, a page from my little black book containing Aniston's contact information, a photo of Jennifer with me superimposed with my arm around Jenn, and a notarized statement attesting to the authenticity of all the included items.

From Me: If anyone out there is willing to pay $25,000 for that, you might also be interested to learn that I have kept every letter I wrote to Jesus during our 7-year relationship (before he became so famous), including a handmade birthday card in blue marker and a picture of the two of us floating around in Heaven, hand in hand. Also, I have a lot of keepsakes from my relationships with Mitch Baywatch and Patrick Swayze. Starting bid: Your kidneys.

The Links:

CNN: http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/07/25/people.aniston.ap/index.html

Ebay: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4751529054&category=201&ssPageName=WDVW&rd=1

Burying Your Mom In All Her Glory. Awww, how cute: a daughter's relationship with her atypical mother. The cool mom's death, the summers they'll never share again and Shirley Jackson . . . Okay, it is actually a sweet piece.
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/26/opinion/26ahoffman.html?th&emc=th

Liar, Liar! Damn, I thought Kristof had some juicy gossip about Tom and Brad. Turns out, the whole story concerns today's shameful media and the genocide in Darfur. I didn't see that one coming at all. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/26/opinion/26kristof.html?th&emc=th

You're Now Rockin' With The Best: DJ Sony. An excerpt (so that you won't have to click the link): E-mails and documents from Sony show it paid up to $1,000 to get a new song played on a single radio station, gave contest prizes to deejays instead of listeners, and even hired crews of callers to bombard stations' request lines. But I really liked J Lo's last album. http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/331532p-283284c.html

Nightmare in Gaffney. The Redbird Festival aka Firelake Festival is shaping up about as nicely as the war in Iraq. The SC festival was to rival Bonnaroo, but now calls Keller Williams and Karl Denson its headliners. And after Devo and Jurassic 5, the only anti-noodling acts on the list, the bands fall off completely. Instead of trying to be Bonnaroo, why don't these yokels just have a Bluegrass/Country/Americana festival? It makes so much more sense than this depressing dugout lineup. For me, the Firelake Festival is a study in suicidal stimuli. But it's no surprise, though, because South Carolina has been, and will always be, paved with good intentions. http://www.firelakefestival.com/

Country Singer Living Life Like Country Song. Mindy McCready, the train-wrecked singer behind such greats as "Guys Do It All The Time" and "Guys Do It All The Time", was found unconscious in a Florida hotel room. Next week, she plans to skin a cat, make some moonshine and shoot up the place. http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/07/26/people.mccready.ap/index.html

Something Happened in Montana! http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/07/26/montana.quake/index.html

The Cadillac of Bikes is Actually a Cadillac. So if my chauffeur is pedaling, that means I have to ride on the handlebars. Oh, I get it, they're targeting African Americans. http://www.cnn.com/2005/AUTOS/07/26/cadillac_bikes/index.html

Crispin Porter Equals Mecca. And people will do anything to get there. Or, in my case, something. This falls under anything: http://www.theneep.com/likecrispinporter/index.html

Stuart Scott Died in My Arms Last Night.

This this life is boring. This this life right now is snoring. - Martha Wainwright buy it again for the very first time!

Lara Croft's Mastoombator. According to some, video games are in desperate need of a woman's touch. More accurately, video gamers are in desperate need of a woman's touch. http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/news/072105_ent_womanprogrammers.html

Must See TV. Old funny stuff to watch because you're bored and your life suxxx at the moment. Don't worry, though, your ship's gonna come in any day now!!

Family Guy! Peter is a Retard. big retard

Conan! Triumph Rules Jacko. for him to poop on

On This Day a Long Time Ago: Southerners Get the Final Word on Evolution. On Every Day After That Day: Southerners Get The Butt End of Every Joke Known to Man. http://www.nytimes.com/learning/general/onthisday/big/0721.html

NASA Delays Explosion a Few More Days. Despite the fact that they have not fixed the problem that caused last week's delay, officials are planning the launch for this coming Tuesday. Said officials are very optimistic about their chances of surviving a potential crash since they'll be watching it all on a screen from Mission Control. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4702651.stm

More Spacecapades! Star Trek's Scotty dies in real life. They're releasing his ashes out in space. Hey, just like the astronauts on Tuesday's Discovery! http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/07/21/doohan.space.ap/

Jackson Not Back in Court. And, for once, that's a problem. http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,16985,00.html?tnews

More Sticky Bums. Hobos are melting at an alarming rate. Mother Nature doing what every affluent Arizonian has wanted to do for years. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/07/21/national/main710540.shtml

Hate to Create. Check out the Honda Grrrrrrrr campaign that won assloads of bling at this year's Cannes. http://www.honda.co.uk/change/

One of a Million. Yet another "it" band announces a few more US dates. Bloc Party cometh: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/21.shtml

And father had had such hopes for a son who would take the ropes and fulfill all his old athletic aspirations, but apparently now there's some complications. - Decemberists buy it, scooner scholar!

Pure Stick Figure Brilliance. Don Hertzfeldt makes us all happy. If you like my cards, you'll love these short films. They are both a bit old, but I imagine some of you haven't seen them. I suggest starting with a little love story. Then watch another story related to rejection.

And a little info to help you out: http://www.bitterfilms.com/rejected.html

How Many 12 yr Olds Could You Beat Up? I'm saying as many as you throw at me. This guy has a decent strategy (he claims less than a dozen), but he didn't consider this brilliance: First, take out the biggest 12 year old with a swift kick to the groin, followed by a strong knee to the face. And this is where it gets tricky . . . while the other boys are still in shock by the violence, blood and general effortless ass-kicking on your part, you'll need to roll over the knocked-out fatty and proceed to rape the ever-living daylights out of him. I know it sounds more like fun than a solid strategy, but this tactic will ensure that no other 12 year old will charge you - ever. Drenched in tears, they will submit, by the droves, out of fear and disgust. Game over.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/4/8schweiger.html

Let's Talk About Abortion, Baby! Let's talk about Roberts, John G. Let's talk about all the ways the Republicans plan to stifle me. According to many, the debates concerning Bush's nominee to the Supreme Court will center on abortion. And I can't wait, because I love abortion more than life itself! http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/20/politics/politicsspecial1/20nominee.html?th&emc=th

Bums in Arizona Melting Like Butter Between Two Pancakes. "It's survival of the fittest", muttered a rather sweaty Phoenix hobo. Adding, "And the fittest seem to have air conditioning. . . . Can I have a sip of your water?" "No! Your indigent lips are all chapped!", I offered as I walked away. Meanwhile, one affluent Arizonian offered this piece of advice for non-bums: "Look out for melted bums, because it takes a strong twig or even a coat hanger to get them off the bottom of your shoes. Go Wildcats!" http://www.cnn.com/2005/WEATHER/07/20/heat.wave.ap/index.html

Cracker Alligator. Even in the world of reptiles, being white is something real special. http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/science/07/19/rare.gator.ap/index.html

Free College for Female Virgins! In realted news, applications from males to those Ugandan schools will increase by an estimated 1,000,000%. Never has an African degree seemed so appealing. And never has a school taken the shame out of 'walks of shame' so effectively. http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/africa/07/20/uganda.virgins.reut/index.html

CNN Names Top 10 Towns. Union (SC) in Uproar! Seriously, how in the hell did Jersey get two cities in the Top 10 while the entire south had only one in the Top 25? And Peachtree City, practically a suburb of Atlanta, at that?! By the way, Vienna doesn't count because it's basically DC. Union, with its incest and parking lots, may not have a legitimate beef, but this list is about as credible as that lambchop's 'hot or not' list was yesterday. At any rate, see where your favorite city in New Jersey came in. No Livingston?! http://money.cnn.com/best/bplive/?cnn=yes

Aristocrats Not Likely Coming To a Theater Near Me. I hear great things. Great things. Oh, and I see one great thing. http://www.thinkfilmcompany.com/films/thearistocrats/

More of that great thing: http://www.sxsw.com/video/movie_window.big.php?dir=2005_trailers&id=469&speed=hi

Hasta La Vista Senores Who Built My House. A couple of Republicans introduced a bill that would kick about 10 million illegal immigrants out of the US of A. Apparently, the two Republicans like cutting their own grass, babysitting their own kids, doing their own nails, picking their own produce, paving their own streets and banging their own wives. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/07/19/AR2005071901127.html

Late Breaking News That I Somehow Missed: Terrell Jesus Owens. T to tha O uses Christ Your Savior to put his contract negotiations into perspective. "They threw stones at Him. They hated on Him. They didn't honor His receptions." (link coming soon)

How many of them boys was wit ya when you had that little TV you had to hit on to get a picture? - 50 Cent but it, pimp!

Broken Septum Scene. Canadian hipster/rocker gets the shit kicked out of him while trying to buy some weed in NYC. Lawsuit pending. Dugout wanting. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/19.shtml

Executed Man To Get Retrial. He's been waiting for this all his life. "I can't wait to get out of Heaven" the deceased defendant said. Adding, "It's nice up here, but I've got some unfinished business to take care of down on Earth, like killing that asshole who lied about my whereabouts." Let's hope he's found innocent!
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/19/national/19death.html?th&emc=th

Another Misstep in the Career of Jason Alexander. Some of the worst ads on the tube right now feature Georgie Costanza and Lee Iacocca, a man I truly thought had died years ago, pitching the new fleet of Chryslers. Since Seinfeld, Alexander has starred in two pitiful series and more than a number ridunculous ads. This, however, is a new low. In a one scenario, Jason, clearly unprepared, kowtows to his boss, a la Seinfeld's Steinbrenner, who is busy reading the paper (again, like Steinbrenner was portrayed in Seinfeld, he's hiding his face). The unidentified man behind the paper even says "yada yada yada" as he spins around and reveals to us all that he is, in fact, Lee Iacocca. Hysterical! Anyway, this piece on Lee's return is interesting, much more so than the ads. Apparently, Lee won't turn Japanese, no matter what. Jason, on the other hand, will turn into anything for a little bling. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/19/business/19auto.html?th&emc=th

Those Who Can't Might Be In Jeopardy. Higher Education Act would certainly help reduce the number of under-qualified teachers, but until 'biting the bullet' means increasing teachers' salaries, there will continue to be a problem. This legislation will most likely create more critical need counties across America. That's great news for teachers nearing retirement age, but grim news for pretty much everyone else. There just aren't enough people out there willing to save the world while sacrifcing theirs anymore. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/19/opinion/19tue2.html?th&emc=th

Supreme Disappointment? Tune in at 9 tonight when Bush names O'Connor's successor, likely some wench from Louisiana named Edith Clement. Awkward smiles will abound. http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=10000087&sid=a36mU4_Xpsjk&refer=top_world_news

Is There Anyone Out There? Scientists are holed up searching for life on planets they believe resemble Earth. So far, they've been filled with about as much "good news" as NASA, but Starbucks executives are still optimistic. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/19/science/space/19essa.html?th&emc=th

Armstrong Prepares for Wheaties Photo Shoot. Sportscasters and analysts start gearing up for next year's race by coming up with poignant observations like "it's anyone's Tour now." http://www.denverpost.com/sports/ci_2869375

Colin Farrell Stars in Short Film About Sex. Colin plays himself. His girlfriend is played by his ex-girlfriend, Playboy bunny Nicole Narain. The sex is Winterbottom-real. The film was shot on a Camcorder. There was no Dolly Grip. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/4695531.stm

Are Those Female Athletes Really Hot? I was with this guy until he listed Sue Bird as 'hot' and Anna Kournikova as 'not'. A dream scenario with Sue Bird? Isn't that an oxymoron or just plain vomitous or something? Dude, you lost all your cred with that one. http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?SectionID=2&StoryID=1123&LayoutType=1

A Definitive Ranking of Hot Sports (based on likelihood that a female athlete will bring the heat from her respective sport):

1. Tennis: These athletes benefit from great leg workouts - equal part aerobic, equal part strength training. And with the exception of Serena 'The Tank' Williams, they're not overbuilt in the shoulders. It's by far the best female sport to watch. Short white skirts and tank tops. Need I say more?

2. Volleyball: Great tan, great legs, great sunglasses. Oh, and don't forget, they've always got a little lotion on hand.

3. Figure Skating: Excluding Tanya Harding, they're pretty much all well-built, wear bejeweled tights and like to be dominated. Plus, there's a shortage of straight men in the house, so they're desperate.

4. Field Hockey: The plaid skirts, the prep school bad girl mystique . . . I'm lovin' it!

5. Equestrian: Money, jodhpurs, crops and pony tails, oh my!

6. Skiing/Boarding: Picabo Street was pretty cute. Plus, if the porn you're watching isn't shot at the beach, chances are it involves ski resorts, hot tubs and unzipped parkas.

7. Wrestling: Double Ds, anyone?

8. Fishing: A country girl can survive. And can give a mean BJ in the backseat of an F150.

9. Softball: See above.

10. Soccer: Mia Hamm saves this sport from being all thighs and ass.

11. Fencing: No clue what they look like under their gear, but it's a safe bet that they're better looking than the gals below . . .

12. Swimming: Gorilla shoulders, some concavity issues and one-pieces. Not to mention, this "sport" is possibly the lamest on the list.

13. Golf: Insert lesbian joke here. But don't forget Sorenstam; she's a solid par.

14. Boxing: It's just nice to see these women get what they deserve - legally.

15. Basketball: Gravity - 0 Fugly - 1

There is no number capable of doing justice to this ugly addendum:
Shemale Bodybuilding
http://www.ejbdotcom.net/pages/huge_women.html

I'd swim across Lake Michigan. I'd sell my shoes. I'd give my body to be back again in the rest of the room. - Sufjan Stevens (again) buy it, jesus freak!

So my preconceived notions of Michigan were way off. To start, wolverines don't fly, nor do they leave fudge under your pillow, no matter how good you've been. Also, Michigan is nice. Real niiiice.

Pistons: It Was Brown, We Flushed It Down. Larry Brown is out of Detroit. Possible options include going to the Knicks, becoming an analyst for ESPN and dying. http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2110640

Fluffendamn! Totally spaced in Michigan and forgot to buy my tickets to Sigur Ros at the Carolina Theater in Durham. It was an event that had been on my calendar for months. I knew the good seats would go fast to acid-droppers and Volvo-drivers, so I was prepared to wake up early and make the call. However, I didn't account for my BAC. A game of cups, 4 cans of Copenhagen and 2 days later, I find myself with two suicide seats up in the 2nd balcony. In other words, you have about 24 hours left to get any sort of a ticket. http://purchase.tickets.com/buy/TicketPurchase?organ_val=21118&schedule=list

Sigur Ros Blow Softened With Sufjan Salve. My current obsession is stopping by Cat's Cradle in late September, so any of you in that area (Carboro) should probably get to it before the kids return from summer break with a fresh sack of Daddy's money. I got a couple, but after a few Arcade Fire flashbacks, I'm thinking of getting more. And for my Jewish friend(s): you've been blessed with a full weekend at the Bowery Ballroom. http://www.sufjan.com/

W The Racist. Our President and Bobby Jones University get props in an Op-Ed piece about the Republican Party's Southern Strateegery.
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/18/opinion/18herbert.html?th&emc=th

Men in Tights. Drugs in Veins. Hincappie, a Greenville native, wins a Tour de France stage, but can't pedal fast enough to lose his absurd name. Lance still living strong. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/18/sports/sportsspecial/18tour.html?th&emc=th

Woods' Mantle Finally Breaks. Tiger Woods, a golfer, won his 10th major. "This means a whole lot to me", a black Woods could be heard saying through a recording on his Dictaphone. He then pressed 'Stop', threw the trophy into the back of his Rendezvous and drove back to America. http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=wojciechowski_gene&id=2110076

Jude Law Apologizes for Nailing Mary Poppins. Did Sienna Miller learn nothing from Closer? This guy is a cheater. It was right there on the screen. I mean, come on! http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2005-07-18-law-affair_x.htm

Perfume for Men?! What Next? Medicine for Kids? Maybe it does make sense, though, because according to the Axe label, smelling great (and paying the masseuse $120) gets you laid like the beautiful, overweight, hairy, asymmetrical stud you are. http://www.usatoday.com/money/advertising/adtrack/2005-07-17-axe-track_x.htm

Sandra Bullock Lucky Recipient of Ole Number 6. Jesse James, good with tools, went a-ridin' into Hollywood, a whampin' and whoompin' every little thing that moved within an inch of its life, including, apparently, Ms. Bullock. And after the wedding, over 300 guests celebrated with the happy couple at the Number 6 Dance. James then raped the shit of Mrs. Congeniality in the Honeymoon suite. http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4732887/detail.html

Jeem Cantore Mucho Depressed in Cancun. As Hurricane Emily barely blows sombreros off of heads, Cantore reflects on what is turning out to be one of his worst weeks to date at one of the worst bars to date, Senor Frogs. http://edition.cnn.com/2005/WEATHER/07/18/tropical.weather/

The Patch That Guarantees You'll Quit Smoking. And Breathing. The FDA is kinda concerned about the Fentanyl patch. Apparently, it's been killing more than pain.
http://www.fda.gov/cder/drug/infopage/fentanyl/default.htm

Tons To Do In Union! If the 47% unemployment rate hasn't convinced you to pack up and move the family to quaint Union, then this little story about finding a good parking lot where the kids can hang out certainly will: http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3601930

Harry Potter Sells A Few Books. Times a Few Million. In the process, JK Rowling inspires thousands of kids to read and countless opportunists to write half-baked, magically fantastic children's books. http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4736986/detail.html

A Loophole For Rove? Say it ain't Sosa! W The Racist got a little more specific, Karl got a little more head. http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=10000087&sid=a_m24G9DsAHc&refer=top_world_news

Sleeping on Lake Michigan, factories and marching bands. Lose our clothes in summertime. Lose ourselves to lose our minds - Sufjan Stevens buy it cuz i said so!

I'm going on vacation tonight. I'm burning up the rest of my PTO before my job comes to an end (the 29th of this month). I'm heading to Michigan for the rest of the week, so that means you'll have no more cold coffee or facials (at least from me) until Monday. I speak in staccato. I've never been to Michigan before, and despite what I know about my hosts, I couldn't turn down the invite. The weather is supposed to be nice. The water should be cold. The raping sprees, plentiful.
harbor springs!

I'll leave you with a little cheer I heard this weekend while at a wedding in Sewanee, my old stomping ground:

Get back! Shark attack!
Girl you need a Tic Tac.

No, wait, I take that back.
Girl, you need the whole pack!

Oh, hell, while I'm at it, here's another fave:

We ain't mean. We ain't cocky.
We gonna ride your team like a Kawasaki.
Zoom. Zoom.

Have You Used Your Kid as a Bulletproof Vest Today? Nice work, Pops, but don't take offense down there in hell when we take back your 'World's Greatest Dad' mug.
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/12/national/12shooting.html?th&emc=th

Whose Dick Do I Have To Suck Now? 3 month long job stint. $32 mil severance package. That sounds about right. I just can't believe I never saw this guy around my office. I mean, we must work for the same company. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/12/business/12wall.html?th&emc=th

Drums > Space > Eyes > Oh Fuck! Hearing your favorite band play your favorite tunes at a concert or on the radio is really keul. Hearing those same songs coming from deep within your brain when you're about 80 years old ain't so keul. Then again, it probably does a better job of keeping you company than your kids, not to mention, songs don't take money out of your bank account and blame your nursing home. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/12/health/psychology/12musi.html?th&emc=th

Man's Best Friend Said to Have a Great Personality. Just like your roommate's girlfriend's best friend, this thing is butt ugly and dog nasty. But unlike that whale shark, this little guy won't tell his friends he's "finally in love with someone really nice who sees me for who I truly am." And he certainly won't show up at my parents' house demanding we have a talk even after I told you that we never had anything. It was a friggin' one night stand! I said all that stuff because I'd never done the whole anal thing before. You know, you seemed like open girl. I just thought it'd be fun. Again, I'm sorry if butt sex in your dorm's broom closet led you on. Christ! Anyway, man's best friend would never do any of that. Just ask that kid in Campobello. http://www.heraldandnews.com/articles/2005/07/05/breaking_news/breakinguglydog.txt

Wie Laying Up Like The Sissy She Is. Michelle Wie, 15 and still waiting for a kiss from someone with a different last name than hers, finished the day tied for 84th in the opening round of a Men's Amateur Tourney. There were a lot of theories for Wie's poor performance, such as stress, pressure and weariness. Some even speculated that she might be a female playing against a bunch of men. http://sports.espn.go.com/golf/news/story?id=2105759

McMichael Looking Good for Preseason. Miami's star Tight End beat the hell out of his wife in like 15 seconds. That bests his own record by a full 7 seconds (a record he set 13 months ago). "I've never felt better", McMichael claimed. "You know, I focused in on her weaknesses and exploited them. She's got no game. I knocked her back probably ten, no, twelve feet." He added, "You DBs and linebackers out there better recognize!" He then chuckled, wiped the blood of his wife's nose and told her he loved her so, so very much. Then he went to jail. Are you ready for some football? http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2105741

Stuart Scott: Still only a winter in North Dakota away from being completely white.

Oh we mumble loudly, wear our shame so proudly. Wore our blank expressions, trying to look interesting. Blame it all on me, cuz God I need a cold one now. - Modest Mouse get on the bandwagon already!

Notorious R.I.P. What I can't believe is that Biggie Smalls' family is suing someone over his gangsta-style murder. Specifically, the city of Los Angeles. I mean, they seem so classy from afar. The late rapper's family changed their lawsuit a bit after receiving a tip that the piggies were behind the busted caps. Guaranteed to be overheard at least twice in the closing argument: 'That shit is so whack, yo.'
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/09/arts/music/09smal.html?th=&adxnnl=1&emc=th&adxnnlx=1121094157-uUjHFe360nCwm+gQfvrYJA

Sufjan Stevens Still Making (My) Headlines. Title track from his latest and greatest gets all mixed up in the Cure's Close to Me. From Superman to Robert Smith, Sufjan is dropping it like it's public-domain hot. I highly recommend picking up this album: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0009R1T7M/ref=pd_sxp_f/103-3914955-8751838?v=glance&s=music

Hurricane Downgraded From Category 4 to Pussy. Dennis came in like any man named Dennis would come in: Turtlenecked and French-cuffed. Jim Cantore, madder than hell, drank a bottle of single malt and spent the rest of the afternoon in a wind tunnel simulating what he'd been spanking about ever since Dennis was a blip on his radar. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/11/national/11dennis.html?th&emc=th

Hold Up, That's My Other Confidential Source On The Other Line. So what the hell is gonna happen to Karl Rove? My money's on 'not a damn thing'. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/11/politics/11time.html?th&emc=th

This Scud's For You. Sudweiser gets all Toby Keith in their latest ads. The campaign, from what I can tell, goes something like this: We're soooo American. Like 94% American. God Bless the USA. God Smite Everyone Else. Especially Those Dirty Africans and Arabs. But why didn't the Times title the article 'Red White and Brew'? I mean, that makes more sense than 'Red White and Beer'. It's so f'n obvious. Sorry I'm not all smart like you . . . apology accepted. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/11/business/media/11adcol.html?th&emc=th

Bush Nodding In Muslim World's General Direction. The Brits are looking for leads in the bombings and they're turning to the US? Ah, guys, we're flattered and all, but are you not aware of our "Intelligence's" track record? In short: it sucks nuts. No doubt the Bush administration sees this as great news for the war effort, which is in great need of foreign aid and support. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/11/international/europe/11intel.html?th=&adxnnl=1&emc=th&adxnnlx=1121106689-wOqicAu03CDqf78c1EIPLA

Harry Potter Set To Break Some More Records. J.K. Rowling Set To Light Her Misty's With C-Notes. http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-0507110173jul11,1,6770856.column?coll=chi-newsnationworld-hed

Yet Another Cure For Cancer! Move over Lance, Yellow Curry is the newest hero on the block. In addition to certain melanomas, the spice is believed to prevent good breath and fresh smelling taxis, too. So I suggest you go out and show your support for the miracle of curry with, oh, I don't know, let's say a yellow bracelet for now. http://www.forbes.com/lifestyle/health/feeds/hscout/2005/07/11/hscout526768.html

Ole Faithful. I can always count on WHNS for quality coverage and writing. "Oh, there ain't no describing it, its awful", says Durene. FOX Carolina (WHNS) added: That day we saw tampons, dirty toilet paper, feces, and condoms. It's always worth repeating; no one should play or drink directly from the water where this is happening. I smell another Pulitzer! http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3574888

Word of the Day? Temerarious! As in: I'll never use the word "temerarious" again! http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

Many girls have taken you out for a ride, hurt you deep inside, but you never slowed down. Speeding Motorcycle of my heart. Speeding Motorcycle let's be smart. - Yo La Tengo buy the covers, dorkus!

Every Peach Has Its Pit. The ATL's Saving Grace: Restaurants. The ATL's Disgrace: Horrible traffic, gaudy homes, unchecked sprawl and The Creative Circus. At its worst, Atlanta is a long layover for people with thick wallets and thin brains. At its best, it's shit-tons of great restaurants. We're talking Taqueria, Nuevo Laredo, Alon's, Soto, The New Yorker, Sotto Sotto, Tamarind, and then a bunch of other ones I can't really afford to go to (I realize I barely scratched the surface, so no need for the barrage of "what about" emails from you, my thousands of devoted readers). Watershed popped up while I was living there. I never went, but I think the "gals" also owned the Flying Biscuit, a place I did visit a few times. Interesting article. Food and gay men. Is there anything more ATL than that?
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/06/dining/06indi.html?th&emc=th


Illinoooooooo! The Sufjan Market is Flooded! Will I lose $30? Tune in next week to find out. Ah, or just tune in today. This just in!! Apparently, the companies involved were unsuccessful in retracting all the delivered albums from the store shelves. No one was really complying with the cease and desist. What that means is that no future albums will have Superman on the cover, but the initial pressing is to be sold as is. At least I didn't pay 75 bucks for one. Still, I now have three of them and I'm tempted to let the guy who bid 38 bucks on one of them off. Very white of me, in deed. The newsflash: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/06.shtml#sufjan

The Embittered Ebayer: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=307&item=4745322784&rd=1

For sale! Two Sufjan Stevens Illinois Albums. Hey, ignore what I told you up there, this album is hot! And it's so illegal. All your friends will be like "Oh my fucking God! I can't believe you got your hands on that banned album. David Cross carrying Dave Eggers on his shoulders has just been replaced. You are my new indie hero god-like person that I worship and talk about at parties to girls I want to make out with and guys I want to be friends with." So what are you waiting for? I'll hate to do it, but I'll let my extra copy go for 70 bucks. Oh, God, I'm gonna regret doing that. Just giving it away like that. I won't begrudge you for taking advantage of me in my moment of weakness. Like my latest headline for Verizon Wireless says, Deals don't get much sweeter than this!

More Indie Rock News! Sam Beam caught stashing millions of corporate dollars under his beard! Yes, you can't drive a mile without seeing a hog laid up on a smoker or hearing Iron & Wine pitching Corn Nuts or Glad Bags or something. There are the movies, which are fine so long as they are tasteful (Garden State falls into that category). And then there's ugh. Sam's latest sell-out melts in your mouth not in your hands. Can you guess what it is? Oh, and then there was the concert that I paid big bucks to check out. It blew. Granted, it was at the Music Farm, the most god-awful place to ever see a band, but still . . . Wow, I just realized the Indie scene is really breaking my balls these days. Add that to my cubicle and it's a wonder I still have gonads. Okay, I just wrote that last sentence because I really wanted to say 'gonads'. Say it with me: gonads. Say it with me: Sam, don't take your love to town.

Girls Gone Litigious. Everyone has a past indiscretion they regret, says some hotty that most likely made out with another chick and flexed breasts on camera for part of the award-winning documentary series known as Girls Gone Wild. The chick said that though she verbally agreed to give 40 year old divorced men erections, she never signed anything. Ken Burns, the director, is outraged. He claims 'the bitches knew what they was getting into, yo'. Still, the jury awarded the reason my friend Land took a 15 minute shower this morning $60,000. The innocent vixen plans to get some titties and an ass job with the money. See ya in Cancun. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3546102

I took a train from Virginia to Illinois, my home. He said I knew you had it in you, the mind to make its own. - Sufjan Stevens buy it here, cheap ass!

Say it Ain't Sosa! Sandra Day O'Conner calling it quits. Millions of teenagers are urged to go ahead and get pregnant have abortions while they still can. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/02/politics/politicsspecial1/02supreme.html?th&emc=th

Welcome to the Bottom of the Barrel. Seems I hardly skimmed the surface with the whole reality thing. ABC's newest reality series, Welcome to the Neighborhood, is also its newest pulled series. The show was deemed insensitive by pretty much everyone who watched it. It was kinda like Easy Street meets The Apprentice meets Extreme Home Makeover meets Bum Fights. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/02/arts/television/02watc.html?th&emc=th

This Little Piggy Had Quarters For Eyes. Ah, July 5th. If you listen closely, you can hear millions of hogs breathing a collective sigh of relief. They outlived another 4th. I'm willing to bet that more pigs are slaughtered in the name of our independence than for any other reason the rest of the year - at least in the South. You can't drive more than a mile or so without seeing a whole pig laid up across a smoker. And damn if anything tastes much better than a whole pig laid up across a smoker. God Bless the US of A. http://www.pigroast.com/test.htm

Luther Vandross: Dead Sexy. The silky smooth crooner, best known for his hit "Here and Now", is now best known for his death the other day. http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/07/01/vandross.obit/

Moons Over My Hammy - Hold The Sex Offender. Did the acid-washed jean shorts not tip you off? The sexual predator and the 8 year old girl he kidnapped were spotted around 2 AM at a Denny's over the weekend, further cementing Denny's 'family friendly' reputation. A 911 call was placed. The girl is now back with her father and the younger brother is presumed dead. This heartwarming case began when the older brother, the mother and the mother's boyfriend were all found beaten to death in their Idaho home. And I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/8471135/

Hank Stram RIP. ESPN Classic pulling an all-nighter to get his story on the air while the faucets are still running. If you've ever watched anything with 'Gridiron Great' in the title, chances are you've seen the old Chief's coach pacing the sideline while yelling things at anyone within earshot and wearing a keul hat. Stram, who was quoted as saying "I married the only girl I ever loved and did the only job I ever loved", definitely came along before Internet porn and fluffing. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,161521,00.html

The Dice Man Speaketh The Truth? Andrew Dice Clay once said that you either suck dick or you don't. In other words, you're either gay or you're not. A recent porntastic study that was covered in today's Times may back him up. And if there's anything that Clay needs more than a job and a new leather jacket, it's backing up.
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/05/health/05sex.html?th&emc=th

Sufjan Superman Stevens. From the little exposure I've had with this album, I can say it's pretty solid. Not unlike 'Michigan', his first album entirely dedicated to one state. It's grand, soaring, cinematic, narrative and has song titles that should come with bookmarks. He plans to do all 50 states, but I have a feeling he'll cop out and release albums like 'The Southwest' or maybe 'The Last 7 States to Join the Union'. Still, critics are all over this 'Illinois' album.

In related news, opportunists are all over this album, too, but for different reasons. The initial cover had an image of Superman flying over the Chicago skyline. This did not sit well with legal types, so it was taken off the shelves for fear of a lawsuit involving copyright infringement. Ebay has been on fire with the 'rare and recalled' CD. It's selling for over $50. I happen to have 3 of them. I'm selling 2. This started to smell like the best marketing ploy ever! but I couldn't miss out.

The more accurate version of the story: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/05.shtml

And the review: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/s/stevens_sufjan/illinois.shtml

And the monsters on ebay: http://search.ebay.com/sufjan-stevens_W0QQfkrZ1QQfromZR8

I will not pretend. I will not put on a smile. I will not say I'm all right for you when all I wanted was to be good. - Martha Wainwright buy it, heartbreaker!

The Truth Will Set You Free. Judith Miller of the New York Times is in a bit of trouble. On the other hand, Time and its reporter caved and will hand over documents that will reveal their confidential source(s). Meanwhile, Bobby Novak is still feeling like a whore when he goes to bed at night. The story is much more interesting than this, so I suggest picking up a Times or Bee sometime soon. http://www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,12271,1518879,00.html

And another link - an op-ed piece from a couple of days ago (before Time pussed out)http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/29/opinion/29safire.html?hp

Some Initials Buy Some More Initials. BofA buys MBNA for $35 Billion. Plan to buy Midwest next. Not Midwest Airlines, but the whole fucking Midwest. In related news, they are going to cut 6,000 jobs. If you happen to be one of the victims, may I suggest the signage business? http://money.cnn.com/2005/06/30/news/fortune500/boa/

Ben and Jen Exchange Vows, Empty Stares. Jen wore a cream colored dress instead of the traditional white, because she's expecting a C-section in a couple of months. According to Ben, after a trip to West Virginia, they're planning "a terrific divorce with the works! Nothing's too good for my gal!" http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4670361/detail.html

Bo Bice Weds Fellow Hometown Redbird. According to a urine sample taken from her socks on the night Bo signed his RCA contract, said redbird, as redbirds are wont to do, went and got herself pregnant at some point during Bo's Idol stint. Despite the hoopla, Bice still "keeping it real, cool cats". http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4671352/detail.html

Soulless Man. Ruben Studdard has his identity stolen by his ex-manager. The large Idol grew suspicious last Tuesday when his manager ate 5 Big Macs in one sitting. "That's not like him at all. That's like me." Ruben added "I'm so hurt, yeah baby, so hurt, It tears me up inside, baby. Ah, yeah, baby. Just gotta let it go - it's an identity theft TKO . . . baby." If it's any consolation, give it about another year or so and you won't have one person trying to steal anything of yours - or remembering your name. http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4669977/detail.html

Smoke and Mirrors. According to the GOP, Democrats are taking the African American vote for granted. "You've got a Democratic Party which I think has repeatedly demonstrated that it assumes it will win the African-American vote, but doesn't work for that vote," Ken Mehlman, chairman of the Republican National Committee, said. The Dems haven't worked for the black vote? Hmmm, I thought perhaps working for blacks, though a bit circuitous, was a way of working for the black vote. So instead of taking the 'black vote' for granted, the GOP is apparently going to take the 'black gullibility' for granted. The Democrats fired back with an attack of their own. "Republicans have too long now taken the absurdly rich and the absurdly Christian for granted. They no longer work for those votes. So while they sit back in their comfy leather chairs, we plan on wooing those voters to the left with striped ties, dinner parties and prayer circles." http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/01/politics/01repubs.html?th&emc=th

Brooke Shields Can Write! In fact, she wrote a little piece in the Times today about her struggle with postpartum depression. In case you don't have the time to read it, it goes something like this: Fuck you, Tom Cruise. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/01/opinion/01shields.html?th&emc=th

Aussie Snickers Packed With Peanuts and Poison. If you're in Australia right now and happen to be munching on a Mars or Snickers bar, I have some bad news for you. P.S. It has something to so with the Mars or Snickers bar you're munching on. http://dailytelegraph.news.com.au/story.jsp?sectionid=1258&storyid=3375471

War Of The I Want My Money Back. Regrettably, I just saw Tom Cruise's latest 'vehicle'. It started off entertaining enough, but fell apart at around the one hour mark. And when I say fell apart, I mean it in the Mark Wohlers sort of way. This movie ended abruptly, explained little and left me wondering how on earth Tom's ex and in-laws managed to look like they had just come back from brunch at the club in the aftermath of this War of the Worlds. Let alone his son! No one was safe. The streets are filled with the blood of millions, yet this family walks out of their posh downtown home wearing cardigans and swinging their fobs. We've been had. And what's worse is that I have gum all over my suede shoes thanks to some idiot at a previous showing - an idiot who I guarantee you was blown away by this movie. A movie not nearly as entertaining as Tom's Oprah visit. Or Katie's Letterman visit. Or Tom's Lauer appearance. Or really anything with the word 'Tom' or 'Katie' or 'Letterman' or 'Hotdog' or 'And' or any one of the letters 'e' 'o' or 'g' in it. http://comingsoon.net/news/topnews.php?id=10229

Enjoy your 4th. Aim for the eyes.