So you became part of the new breed. Been smoking only the best weed. Hanging out with so-called hippest set. - Tower of Power buy it, hipster

Hip To Be Sued. Nike, the authority on cool, steps into dogmess. In an attempt to gain street cred with the skater crowd, Nike created, without permission, a poster promoting its summer skate tour that "borrowed heavily" from one of punk band Minor Threat's album covers. Outrage ensued. Followed by a formal apology from the Goddess of hypocrisy, which you can read here: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-06/28.shtml

Still Waiting On My Short Circuit 2 Refund. AMC is offering a money back guarantee for Cinderella Man. Okay, I'm not gonna go see it, but I know I'd hate it, so can you just save us all some time and mail me the $9.00? The only other time AMC offered this kind of a refund/marketing ploy was with Mystic Pizza. A classic, in deed. http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Movies/06/29/film.cinderella.reut/index.html

Woman Gives Birth To Woman! The 14 pound baby's parents are calling her 'the big enchilada' for now, which is funny for now. 6th grade when all of the melon-headed baby's "friends" are calling her that? Okay, still funny.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/HEALTH/parenting/06/29/big.baby.ap/index.html

Say it Ain't Sosa! BET awards tore the roof off the muthafucka!! Fat Joe took home 'biggest rims' honors and Mos Def won the coveted 'most craker props' statuette. The show became less gangsta when Gladys Knight was honored with a lifetime achievement award. For which she thanked every single Pip then added, "Finally, I can die!" And then she did. You should have seen it. http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4664948/detail.html

Applaud! In case you missed the speech Tuesday night, here's a recap: September 11, 2001. Ideology. Bush gave no timeline, only he said that "Ameerca'd stand down soon as the Earockee people stand up". Then he feigned emotion at the end of his speechwriter's speech and waited for the men and women of Fort Bragg to cheer him for the courageous, unwavering leader, no, make that hero, no, make that genius, that he is. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/29/politics/29assess.html?th&emc=th

I Want To Be A (bout two feet inside Kathy) Hilton. That girl is poison. How did those two slutbags fall out of her womb? And more importantly, how does this slutbag fall into her womb? Okay, now that you've upchucked your Hot Pocket (frankly, something that needed to be done) we can talk about this hot reality show. It's hot! On a side note, don't these fools realize that the saying isn't "to the manor won on a reality show"? And their glaring stupidity just answered that for me.
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/29/politics/29assess.html?th&emc=th

Border Patrol Seizing Assload of Streisand Albums. Canada now welcomes draft dodgers and gays, who, according to Charlton Heston, are one in the same. That's right, Canada just approved same-sex marriages (so did Spain). And back in America, a lot of people are still giving a fuck when a fuck shouldn't be given.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/americas/06/28/canada.marriage.reut/index.html

No Naturel. A Bono hairstylist? Who knew such a rough and tumble guy would have a hairstylist? Apparently, the economist stole his earrings, sweatshirt and Stetson hat (a great look, in deed). And Bono likened the theft of his hat to someone stealing The Edge's guitar. And I can't believe I just referred to someone who doesn't wrestle for a living as "The Edge". Anyway, the goods, which seems to be a euphemism, were stolen back in the late 80s. How Bono has lived without them this long is beyond me. http://www.elitestv.com/pub/2005/Jun/EEN42c2c535550fd.html

Unicorns Exist! Okay, they've kinda reformed (2 out of 3 ain't bad) and renamed themselves "Islands". You can download two new tracks here:
http://simplemission.typepad.com/

California Raisin Sentenced To Death! Say it ain't Sosa! Had Hardees known of the raisins proclivities, which include incest, it's doubtful they would have signed him on for such a long contract. Still, they should have known something when his figurine came with a pistol and the kind of van that drives Sammy Johns wild. http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/06/29/fresno.murders.ap/index.html

Because You've Always Wanted to Throw Your Bizitch Across The Room. It's kinda like clubbing seals (the game). Or like watching a Lava Lamp or one of those oil in water things (or whatever they're called) that drug reps hand out. But it's more fun. Well, for a little while and then you want to move on to real flesh and blood. Now where did that nagging AE go? http://people.freenet.de/crossroads/tetka.swf

Fry Me Up Some More of That Cancer. So Teflon, the leading non-stick substance on the market, is thought to release some chemical into our blood that is a 'likely carcinogen', according to the EPA. Dupont called those findings irrelevant. "You're missing the whole point", they claimed. Adding, "You can fry an egg without worrying about it sticking, for Christ's sake!" http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2005-06-29-teflon-usat_x.htm

Tender love is blind; it requires a dedication. All this love we feel needs no conversation. We ride it together, ah-ah, makin' love with each other, ah-ah. - Dolly Parton & Kenny Rogers buy it, big country!

401st Richest Man In America Celebrates. Sam Walton's family mourns the loss of John Walton, the 7th wealthiest man in America, according to the Forbes 400 list. His plane went down outside of Jackson Hole, a small mountain village where yours truly, along with every other graduate from a Liberal Arts college, lived for spell. http://edition.cnn.com/2005/US/06/27/obit.walton/

Spring Break Shark Attack: More Than a Riveting Made-For-TV Movie. As a second kid is attacked off the coast of Florida, tourists are being urged to stay out of the water, despite that fact that their aqua socks, hemp necklaces and neon tank tops are begging to be bloodied. http://www.voanews.com/english/2005-06-27-voa46.cfm

BTK Killer Pleads Guilty. BLT Killer Pleads Tasty. The BTK chump is not eligible for the death penalty because the murders took place before Kansas had capital punishment, but I have a feeling he'll be beaten to death in prison. It's always the child molesters, baby killers, cannibals and freaky deakies who have the shortest shelf life in the clink. Welcome to prison, Mr. BTK, RIP. http://www.wistv.com/Global/story.asp?S=3525039

Well-Hung Karl Malone Flashes Girl in Library! Insert pop-up book joke here. And check Malone hiding behind that pair of '86 Aviators. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3519326

Anti-Korean Abdul Fighting the Good Fight. Modern day heroes, like intelligent women, are hard to find. Just when you hang a poster of your favorite hero in your bathroom, he's found guilty of raping a dog or endorsing Scientology or something. But every so often, a true hero does emerge from this, our darkest hour. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Paula Abdul. Saving the world one manicure at a time.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/06/28/health/main704653.shtml

Reality Bites And Punches And Does Blow. Bobby Brown and Whitey Houston to star in a Newlyweds-like reality show called 'Being Bobby Brown'. Hey, it's their prerogative. Ha! Brown had this to say (seriously), "I mean, we slap box, and she hits hard, hard." He added, "I think [the show] brought us close together, because it showed us that we're just normal." Normal? Dude, what the fuck have you been smo - oh, nevermind. http://www.accesshollywood.com/entertainment/4656402/detail.html

So 'Being Bobby Brown' made me wonder if maybe we had reached the bottom of the reality barrel. We're close.

10 Reality Shows That Make 'Being Bobby Brown' Seem Like Must See TV

Being Al Roker
Hangin' With Mario Lopez
Get Real: Dennis Franz
The Baccalaureate
Keeping Up With the Star Joneses
The Osbournes Who Go To Our Church
Survivor: Spartanburg
Couric: A Season of Colonoscopies
Big Brother 7
Joe Gazillionaire

Marmalade Skies and No-Hitters. If I told you an MLB player pitched a no-hitter while on acid you'd think I was lying. And if I told he was black you'd probably think I was the one on acid. You'd be wrong on both counts, like you so often are. This guy's story is fascinating. It'll take the better half of your lunch break to read, but it's worth it. People claim Dock Ellis was more intimidating than Bob Gibson, the guy who's responsible for the lowering of pitching mounds back in '69. Ellis was apparently on his way to hitting every batter in the Reds' lineup before being thrown out. On another occasion, he climbed into the stands, sat next to a heckler, and began asking what had happened to the 'niggers' calling him 'nigger'. He was afraid of no one. And as an added bonus to the legend that is Dock Ellis, you get writing like this: The high-desert town of Victorville, California, is the last stop on the long road out of Los Angeles, and the place does little to embarrass the word "shithole." It's best known as the home of five prisons, some reportedly very good crystal meth and a kick-ass Long John Silver's; its primary attraction to residents is that, unlike the small towns across the mountains in California's central valley, its air does not always smell like burning tires and cowshit. Enjoy: http://www.dallasobserver.com/Issues/2005-06-16/news/feature_print.html

Anonymity in Jeopardy! Two reporters are facing jail time for not disclosing their confidential sources. It's a tangled web involving Bush, Robert Novak and spineless bullying. And it really doesn't look good for reporters believed to be on the left side of the fence. Or for sources close to family. http://www.concordmonitor.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050628/REPOSITORY/506280353/1013/NEWS03

Say It Ain't Sosa! Roenick says that fans who call NHL payers spoiled and greedy are just jealous. Yes, we're jealous that you're spoiled and we're not, dumbass. At the charity golf event where Roenick stated the obvious, he also added that an agreement might be reached in a few weeks. I look at hockey like Michael Wilbon looks at horses. In other words, I've really, really missed it. http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/news/story?id=2095862

And everything you hated me for . . . honey, there was so much more. - Songs: Ohia buy it, slacka!

Can you hizzear me, nizzow? Former Verizon Wireless bigwig to lead the NAACP farther down path of blurred focus. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/26/national/26naacp.html?th=&adxnnl=1&emc=th&adxnnlx=1119877465-9y9KvuL2NWYueZsUpTGkBA

God To Get His Own Star On The Walk of Fame. Religious groups and conservative producers plan on making more Flanders-friendly films that every Christian in America is too afraid to pan. Hmm . . . looks as though Hollywood is feeling a bit guilty for proving to us, with the releases of Herbie: Fully Loaded and Soulplane, that there is no God . http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/26/movies/26ulme.html?th&emc=th

No Child Left Behind As Far As You Know. Schools all over the nation are exaggerating their graduation rates. And no one would have noticed had it not been for Spartanburg High School (South Carolina) reporting a 118% graduation rate. Sadly, they still have no idea why that figure doesn't really work. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/27/opinion/27mon4.html?th&emc=th

Uncle Sam Wants You - To Wear This Target And Say Goodbye To Your Wife and Kids For The Last Time. Instead of lining up outside army recruitment centers, many Americans are choosing to spread their message of Democracy by flying Old Glory outside of their homes that happen to not be on streets lined with bombs or shrapnel. You know, for some reason, people just aren't volunteering for our all-volunteer army. Enter: solution. Lower the qualifications! That's right, lower the military's acceptance standards. Can't do 50 push-ups? Just eat 50 push-ups and we'll call it even. Flat feet? Shit, we'll take you with no feet. Oh, and you can join with a criminal record so long as you have never been convicted of treason or of being gay. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/27/opinion/27herbert.html?th&emc=th

Teaching, Like Pimping, Ain't Easy. People assume that school teachers spend their summers at their beach house or poolside at the club. Those people went to private schools their entire lives and bitch about capital gains taxes. Because teachers get the short end of every stick. And then they have to eat rectangular pizza for lunch. Admittedly, some teachers are idiots and deserve nothing but a pink slip. But some are quite the opposite. To read about Eggers' solution to make sure we have more of the latter, read the following:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/27/opinion/27eggers.html?th&emc=th

Pooh's Coroner. The voice of Tigger is dead at 82. So why is this the best thing to hit Smurf Village since Sassette made her debut? Because Paul Winchell was also the voice of Gargamel. No more will the Smurfs be in his crosshairs. Plus, in about 10 days, Azrael should die from starvation, which means the only thing the Smurfs will have left to do is smurf, if you know what I mean. http://www.elitestv.com/pub/2005/Jun/EEN42bf8ca99a2fa.html

Say it Ain't Sosa! I've always wanted to use that really clever headline, but I started my blig like two years too late. So it makes no sense today, but I feel better. The real news is that Ashton and Demi might be having a baby! Top four name choices so far: Martini, Oxygenated, Moviestar and Scott. http://www.elitestv.com/pub/2005/Jun/EEN42bf66507f535.html

Real World: Iraq. US military folk meet with various insurgents to ask them to "please stop trying so hard". http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/06/26/AR2005062600096.html

Tom Cruise Casts Science-like Spell On Matt Lauer!

Lauer: You've been quoted as saying that Brooke Shields was not depressed and never really needed any anti-depressants.
Cruise: I study the sciences, Matt. I read the journals. Do you? Do you know where depression comes from? That's absurd! You're glib and glob! Whatever you say bounces of me and sticks to you.
Lauer: Hey, how about that Ritalin?
Cruise: You don't know a thing about Psychiatry. I do! Look, you can't spell Scientology without most of the letters you need to spell Science.
Lauer: Well, I know people who have benefited from -
Dr. Cruise: You know nothing. You know nothing of Scientology or Christianity or Lovology. I like your tie.
Lauer: War of the Worlds opens Friday everywhere. Good to see you, Tom.
God: Woooo! I love that gal! Science!

This wouldn't be funny if it wasn't so darn accurate. Okay, maybe it's still not funny, but the picture on this link is . . .
http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4649252/detail.html

American Fightol! And this is when you say, in your best Jerri Blank voice, "hilarious". Paula Abdul's alleged husband or something like that, Corey Clark, smacks a bitch up after a concert that I can't believe I missed. "The ho ain't pressin' no charges at this here time", according to the Sacramento Bee, a local paper apparently named by its owner's 6 year old daughter. http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4655516/detail.html

Jacko Talks! Claims fans "held him" and "dried his tears". Hey, isn't that exactly what the prosecution was claiming? http://mjjsource.com/main/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=628&Itemid=32

A Keats poem? Where I've been? Both?

You decide. And check back soon for a real post. About real people. With real words. And live girls!

Everytime they'd go back out to sea, it's like they'd draw a little bit more out of me. - Latyrx buy it, suckas!

Catch, Kill and Rerease! The Japanese are rery angry after losing an international commercial whaling vote that would have permitted them to hunt down and spear the ugly mammals for the environmental nuisances they are. So in an effort to unite that nation's whale haters (don't hate tha game, hate tha whale), Save the Whales . . . Meat! bumper stickers are being handed out at karaoke bars and Disney World, and a public service campaign is underway that aims to educate the public on the fantabulousness of blubber, while showing that whales actually evolved from Mothra.
http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=scienceNews&storyID=8850730

Bush and Bolton Cock Blocked by Democrats. Bolton's 'stache, the next best thing to Tupperware, vows revenge. http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/news/050621b.asp

Cruise Gets Hosed Down. Remembers the good ole days. Then remembers he's supposed to be hetero, so quickly fires back with barrage of "jerky jerkerstons" and possibly a lawsuit. http://www.dailyindia.com/show/305.php

Cure for Alzheimer's! Just kidding, mom! Gosh, you're as gullible as you are forgetful. Anyway, I had a friend who used to call it "Old Timers". Like I said, I had a friend. At any rate, scientists are now zeroing in on the hippocampus, the coolest sounding part of your brain, to unlock the mysteries of the disease that makes trips to grandma's house more sucky than usual. http://wcco.com/specialreports/local_story_172103246.html

Why Do Blacks Have To Be So Black-Like? A few days ago, Carl Everett waxed poetic on gayness. A few years ago, Carl Everett lost touch with reality when he began taking The Bible literally, among other things. http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2087125

Guess Which Star of Desperate Housewives Was Arrested! Nope. Ah, no. No sir, guess again. Sorry, guess again. NO. NO. NO. Guess again. What? John Stamos isn't even on the show! Okay, that Dana/Zach kid from the ABC hit was arrested for smoking the herb. Charges will be dropped in one year, barring no further incidents. The producers of the show had no comment other than, "Wow! What a coincidence! That'll just about mark the one-year anniversary of his character being written off the show!" http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4633748/detail.html

A Precious Old Cracker-Lover is Convicted of Murder! A Mississippi jury delivers a guilty verdict in a case involving the Klan, a burning church and three civil rights-motivated murders that happened over 40 years ago. The jury, which consisted of 9 whites and 3 blacks, had some awkward moments while deliberating, according to one of the black jurors. The white men not only apologized for being white, but they offered to get snacks for the black men, refilled the black men's drinks when their glasses became half-empty, talked a lot about the NBA finals and all "had their money on Tiger", according to the black juror. http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/06/21/mississippi.killings/index.html

School Teacher Donates $2 Million to Alma Mater. A school teacher with $2 Mil? That's like a professional golfer with an ugly wife. Anyway, it goes to show that teachers are so far removed from money that they wouldn't know what to do with it if they had it. Dude, money is made of paper so that it'll burn. Think about, hoss. http://www.cnn.com/2005/EDUCATION/06/20/unexpected.donation.ap/index.html

Bush To Visit 'Nam 37 Years After He Was Supposed To. Says he's looking forward to meeting Charlie. This should go over well. http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/06/21/bush.vietnam/index.html

More Bush Numbers: He's Grieving 24/7. In addition to thinking about the war everyday, W the President (love those sticekrs!) grieves for every soldier and civilian who gives the ultimate sacrifice for democracy. So that makes about 1200 separate grieving sessions for W in just these past two months, which helps to explain why he hasn't gotten a damn thing done lately. The fool's apparently in constant grief. Inconsolable, I would imagine. In fact, if you do the math, that's about one soldier per hour - every hour - the past 60 days. And that's excluding sleep, dumping, meal times, nap times, cartoon times, smirk times, tee times and general looking down at the other half times. http://www.news24.com/News24/World/News/0,,2-10-1462_1724449,00.html

Because of Winn Dixie. I was laid off and now sit around my apartment sucking the cream out of the Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls that I stole on my last day there. Someone please make that movie! Yeah, Winn Dixie is closing 1/3 of its supermarkets. For those not familiar with the chain, leave your dairy products out for 3 days, drag your produce behind your car, let a stranger sample your bread and then handwrite prices on each one of them. That's pretty much it. http://www.wavy.com/Global/story.asp?S=3502521

Where's Your God Now? You can only masturbate so many times between the hours of 12Am and 2AM. Despite what my good friend Land tells me. Still, it doesn't always put you to sleep; sometimes you need Jack Van Impe. This guy (and his psycho sidekick) think the world is coming to an end, like, really soon. And they couldn't be happier. Fascinating.

From the website's Question of the Week section:

Q: Do you ascribe to the preterist belief? Can you explain it to me briefly?

A: My dear sister in Christ, next week I'm going to take this thing apart. Tell others about it. I'm going to show you that one of the propagators of this blasphemous teaching is Hank Hanagraff - the Bible answer man. Well, this is one Bible question he has wrong. It teaches that every sign happened by 70 AD and the extreme preterists believe that Jesus came back then, and my question is, "if so where is He and what day did He arrive?" How come the Mount of Olives didn't split in two according to Zechariah 14:4? Come on now - next week I'm really going to deal with this.

Yeah, what's up with the Mount Olives not splitting in two, Hank? Oh, I can't wait til next week! http://www.jvim.com/

We were galloping manic to the mouth of the source. We were swallowing panic in the face of its force. - Joanna Newsom buy it, bitch!

Unfortunately, I've been terribly busy the past couple of days, and my blig, the most important thing in my life, has suffered. I will catch up this weekend, for sure. To be discussed: Wild on Aruba. Am I Manu Ginobli? Olin Mills, school photographer, leading the US Open. And Mickelson being 7 over for the day.

There's been a place for you in my heart since we first met; a teenage love that didn't feel no hurt yet. My boys warned me you was poison like BBD first cassette, and still I put my chips on the worst bet. - Madvillain buy it!

Phil and Kobe. Episode II. The floundering Lakers hired The Zen master. Again. Unfortunately for Los Angeles, he's not 7 ft tall, he doesn't weigh 300 lbs. and he doesn't have a Superman tattoo on his arm. http://www.nba.com/lakers/news/jackson_050614.html

Disney World: The Time of Your Life. If the one thing you've always wanted to do in life was to die. Mission: Space was the scene of a 4 yr old kid's timely demise. Sorry, make that untimely. Anyway, they still have no idea what caused the child's death. And since it technically happened at Epcot Center, they have not ruled out boredom.
http://www.nationalledger.com/scribe/archives/2005/06/4_year_olds_dea.shtml

God "Big Fan" of Dave Matthews Band. Well, a back-up quarterback for the Seminoles who claims he's God is a big fan. But who are we to doubt this guy? 1st Corinthians, Verse 3: Thou Mortals Shalt Not Doubt His Holiness, No Matter How Many Beast Lights He Might Have Drunkeneth! Sold! So though the jury's still out on what Jesus would do, we now know exactly what God would do. He would noodle to DMB, get a hankerin' for some acid and a case of beer, pass out on a Tallahassee street, and wake up to a refreshing Pepper Spray Shower. I Believe! That means the only question left is for Coach Bowden: Dude, I know you're hardcore and all, but how the fuck can you bench God?
http://cbs.sportsline.com/collegefootball/story/8563229

Jacko is Backo. Experiences first "boner" since the "buzzkill" that was his trial. It took a while for the mood to strike him, say Kool Aid-mustached reports, but an afternoon spent watching Nickelodeon gave the weary Jackson a little bulge, or as he calls it, a "basket of lollipops". Way to go, Jury! http://mjjsource.com/

Vicarious Bummer. I always joked that if someone stole my identity, the cops would find them hanging from a noose within 24 hrs. Yeah, anyway, the following blig is all about living vicariously through two folks while they travel to and fro this summer. The problem is that they're doing nothing but taking contrived pictures and talking about God. Show me your tits or something. I'll even settle for the guy's breasts. Anything but more of this campfire-friendly chatter. http://www.vicarioussummer.com/

Schiavo Autopsy Strengthens Husband's Bid for Heaven. The vindicated husband is no longer going to Hell. "At least not for this", he tells reporters. He's now planning a two-week (or longer) demonstration outside of Terri's parents' house with signs reading "Told U So" and "Dead Right". http://www.cbc.ca/storyview/MSN/world/national/2005/06/15/schiavo050615.html

Smoking Hastens Ageing! In other news, beer gets you drunk! The ciggy study, which was not a waste of money, made no mention of how much cooler they make you. Guess that one is a given. http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/0,2106,3314778a11,00.html

He took you out to the Red Coach Grill, but he forgot the cash and you paid the bill. And he told you the story of his life, but he forgot the part about his wife! Huh! Huh!These are the breaks! - Kurtis Blow buy it!

Let's Get the Pajama Party Started. Raise your Jesus Juices! Jacko Not Guilty! All I know is that when I do finally go apeshit, I'm heading to California with my automatic rifles and old Krokus tapes. It's the only state where I'd even stand a chance in court. Basically, the accuser's mother lost the case. How sketchy is this woman? 12 seemingly normal people believe a clown-faced, parasol-toting, giraffe-owning, one-glove-wearing, noseless Peter Pan before they believe you. Please go home and shoot yourself now. Thanks. Anyway, we all know that Michael has some problems, to say the least. He clearly needs some help. But he'll never get it. Instead, he'll continue to live out his reality in a place called Neverland. And he will strike, er, digitally stimulate again. http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4584343/detail.html

Tyson Means Chicken. Ugly, ugly, ugly. (Hey, this blig is actually named Cold Coffee and Facials. And this would be the Cold Coffee part.) Mike Tyson refuses to come out of his corner in the seventh round, thereby forfeiting the match. But iron-deficient Mike was done long before that. The fight was filled with arm twists, awkward man hugs and even a head butt. After the match, Tyson said he would retire from boxing. Oh, has no one told you? You retired back in '97. http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/wire?section=boxing&id=2083462

Well, At Least They'll Get Some Mail. A new mag for Radio Shack shoppers hits the stands (subscriptions available too, guys). And that news gave us the best line in yesterday's Times: "Make is not just a clubhouse for guys with Skittle breath and abbreviated social skills." Skittle breath. Put that one in your pocket.
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/12/opinion/12sun3.html?th&emc=th

Blue Comedy Tour. I've seen funnier abortions. Come on, this is your proof that comedy sells? Hah! You might be a redneck if you laugh at this joke. And Larry the Plumber or whatever he collects worker's comp for? My mama don't read so good, she got hit in the head with one of them tater guns. You know, I love taters and I love guns and whew! sweet tea and lynchin'! Thanks guys, just when the rest of the country had begun to forget about the Beverly Hillbillies and Hee Haw, you had to remind them.
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/13/business/media/13parallel.html?th&emc=th

Would I change gender out of spite? Blue Cross/Blue Shield has been a thorn in my side since my cubicle owners switched over to them a couple of years ago. I've had one routine checkup and BC/BS is still trying to get me to pay a few hundred bucks for it. Even with our ghetto policy, the fucking thing is supposed to be covered. One per year. Anyway, then you have these folks undergoing surgery to change genders - and some of it's covered by their employer's policy. Which brings me back to my checkup. Seriously, I'd love for someone to take this dick out of my ass. Anytime now. http://www.usatoday.com/printedition/money/20050610/transgendercov10.art.htm

Those pesky teeth. And it's Trench Mouth and Meth Mouth coming down the back stretch. And Meth Mouth is starting to pull away. Yes, Meth Mouth has found another gear! And, and, and it's Meth Mouth by 2 furlongs! Okay, Meth is a kick-ass drug - that we all know. Still, if those guys milling around the Lil Cricket aren't enough to sell you on its wonderfulness, this article should do it. Apparently, Meth rips through your teeth like Star Jones rips through a box of Cadbury Eggs. Finally, something to get rid of those damn things sticking out of my gums! Anyway, it explains my brother's dented grill. Yes, my brother, an anesthesiologist (which I only drop to point out that he's not a hobo or corndog vendor by trade), confessed to me yesterday that he hadn't been to the dentist in over 6 years. Dude, fuck the Fentanyl, just breathe on the bastards. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/11/national/11meth.html

Aforementioned Brother's Tooth Falls Out at Bonnaroo. No shit. One of his incisors, or fangs as he calls them, crumbled after biting into a Pringle, a potato chip known for its rock-hardness. Other notable losses at this year's outdoor, 4-day long drug and music extravaganza in Tennessee: 237 bowls, 112 hacky sacks, 43 virginities and 1 dude. Yep, they found a dead guy. And this one, surprisingly, might not be drug related. http://www.newschannel5.com/content/news/11989.asp?q=bonnaroo

Advertising Kills. Please let me be next! The Link, a Gannett-owned paper for which I occasionally write, put an independent, free weekly called MetroBeat out of business, or rather relegated them to cyber world. Cue the cat-fight sound effects. This is pretty good: http://www.metrobeat.net/gbase/Expedite/Content?oid=oid%3A3390

Cruise v. Pitt. Scientology, faked lovers and an African famine. In other words, their careers have been put under a microscope - and the Gay Gene was possibly spotted. http://www.reuters.com/printerFriendlyPopup.jhtml?type=peopleNews&storyID=8765884

Destiny's Child Aborted! The totally awesome threesome announced that they're splitting up. Start the Jay Z is Yoko rumors . . . now! http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4601915/detail.html

Chameleon, Please Report to the Principal's Office. Along with the saggiest nutsack in gym class, this man has definitely got that Je Ne Sais Quoi. And I'm tres jealous. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/4087370.stm

Sigur Ros. In America. Floffeulgeisburgen. Starfallaffer. Gesundheit. Loogy. Schwarzenegger. Okay, so I have no idea what these guys are ever singing about, but who cares if they're singing about those stringy things that some people peel from their bananas before eating the actual fruit? Or even 401(k)s? The music is beautiful. The show should be pretty powerful. Buy a ticket, maybe pick up Icelandic for Dummies while you're at it, and really think about rolling over that money into a ROTH IRA. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-06/13.shtml#sigur

I'm Scared.

The blig will be updated soon, but I wanted to inform anyone and everyone that the jurors have reached a verdict. Just what the verdict is remains to be known. I suggest dropping the needle on your old Thriller album and turning your television on. The freak may have carried his last parasol today . . .

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/13/national/12cnd-jackson.html?hp&ex=1118721600&en=265439e273159ae1&ei=5094&partner=homepage

Never kissed you in public and I never held your hand.
I never said I loved you, so I never was your man. - Murs buy it!

I Cast Mine Spell On Thee! I'm a bit embarrassed to admit it, but a few of my friends are into role playing. They sent me this pic from their weekend outside Gatlinburg. That's Land on the left, defending the honor of the fair maiden from Ulagash with a plastic saber and really short, stubby legs. Oh, and that's William on the right with his tinfoil mace and lovely wife, Lucile, who's scampering in the background, a bit downtrodden from the recent disappearance of her dewsenberry juice and froodleluptons. Or so they tell me. http://elfcon.avari.cz/elffoto2002/26-larp.jpg

Bush Called "Cool Cat" by Joe Camel. The Bush administration gives big tobacco a big break. Like $120 Billion Big. At last, we know exactly what George W is smoking. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/10/opinion/10fri1.html?th&emc=th

NASA Plans Biggest July 4th Celebration Ever. Promising more than sparklers, they have plans to blow up a comet. In related news, I have plans to break the Transatlantic Balloon Record. Anyway, even the project manager for the NASA mission calls the maneuver "extremely challenging", which is just another way of saying "not a chance in hell this is gonna work, so forget we ever brought it up." http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=topNews&storyID=8748205

If Everybody Plays The Fool, It Was Katie Holmes' Turn Last Night. Even Letterman seemed a bit pissed he had to keep her through a commercial break. That girl is bonkers. Not to mention a lame-ass storyteller (The dolphin story had me in stiches!). Anywho, the fact that she's absolutely crazy in love with a gay man she met 6 weeks ago should tell us that something's not right up there. And last night removed all doubt. Last night she seemed like a fat 7th grader who somehow got a date with a 10th grade cheerleader: infatuated and certainly not grounded in any sort of reality I'm aware of. And I'm not saying Tom Cruise is as cool as a 10th grade cheerleader, I'm just saying Katie Holmes is as lame and eloquent as that 7th grade fat-ass. And Tom Cruise may or may not own a set of pompoms. We ain't mean. We ain't cocky. We gonna ride your team like a Kawasaki. They're perfect for each other. So this site has it all wrong: http://www.freekatie.net/

Arlene Heading Home. The Tropical Storm is moving into the Gulf Coast. According to the National Weather Service, it's heading for the Mississippi/Alabama border, where every other Arlene in the world seems to end up. http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=topNews&storyID=8755625

Our Shit Do Stink. Spartanburg has a sewage leak. It's not all that interesting, but the writing and coverage, again courtesy of WHNS, is fantastic. Says one Una resident Sherlock, "I thought there were some dead dogs and when I started seeing the sewage that told me there were no dogs". http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3456795

Speaking of dead dogs, WHNS and bestiality. The future serial killer from Campobello, charged with raping a dog and two neighbors, has his charges upgraded after the dog, Princess, dies from internal bleeding. "When I got here we were laying on the deck looking at him and he had his pants down and he was doing sexual activity with the dog like a man would do to a woman." Or a man would do to a man, if he's so inclined. This story is by far the worst thing to ever grace my site. Let's hope that's always so. Fucking sick. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3456745

Method Hacking. Roger Hailes has definitely been kicked in the balls before. And will definitely be kicked in the balls again. http://www.rogerhailes.com/poetryss6.html

If you shut the motor off, my luck the battery will die. Oh, I love robbin' banks. Yes, I love robbin' banks. You tell the teller "thanks", oh honey, for me.
- Michael Hurley/Unholy Modal Rounders/et al buy it!

I Think I Know Where He Hid His Eggs. Tell your kids this is the Easter Bunny and you'll have one less holiday to plan for. http://www.scottybunny.com/scottypics.html

Nerd Not Called Nerd For Doing Nerdy Thing. A Virginia 6th grader found a way to use his calculator in order cheat on some standardized test. After an impromptu meeting next to the water fountains, the more curve-dependent aka cool kids decided that cheating trumps nerdiness. At least on this day. http://www.thecarolinachannel.com/family/4583292/detail.html?tabbox=family

South Carolina Is So Liberal. The Governor recently signed a new bill that gives more protection to victims of domestic violence and stiffer penalties to the perps. Yeah, go run to daddy, little girl. Anyway, one victim recalled, "I've done nothing to deserve to get shot at". But what about pistol whipped? Have you done something to deserve a pistol whipping? Mrs. Dunlap, I'm gonna need an answer, and by the looks of those dirty dishes, I think might I know it. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3445640

No Parking, But Plenty of Muggings. Greenville's revitalized downtown starting to sound like a real downtown. Spartanburg, not to be outdone, vows to add mugging to its downtown within 4 years. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3439619

Nanna Nanna Boo Boo! Ah Hoy Soy, We Got Many Bomb Fo You!
ABC: So how many bombs do you guys have?
North Korean Foreign Minister: That is fo me to know and fo you to find out.
Saved By The Bell Audience: Ohhhhhhhhhh.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/worldlatest/story/0,1280,-5062426,00.html

Turf Pro Not Behaving Very Professional At All. The unassuming and otherwise peaceful lawnmower sucks a kid underneath in a fit of rage. The kid's okay, but his family and neighbors are still pretty red. Folks, it's really important that you understand the dangers of riding lawn mowers. They will cut more than grass, if given the chance. Think of the children. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3433932
http://www.ridinglawnmowersafety.com/

Dance Like a Butterfly. Gut Like a Fish. Tyson compares his next opponent to a tomato can-like fish thingy, which is gonna make Tyson's defeat that much more humiliating. It's one thing to lose to man, but to a tomato can with scales and a dorsal fin . . . http://dailytelegraph.news.com.au/story.jsp?sectionid=1264&storyid=3261661

Speaking of WhatThaFuuuuug? I was invited to advertise on Baghdad Bazaar. Definitely not a virus or mass email, because my cards are perfect for their site. Seriously, though, how successful can ths email campaign really be? Although, if anyone's interested in opening a restaurant that category looks to be wide open. http://www.baghdadbazaar.com/

Still No Cure For Fugliness. Jacko Back in Hospital. He/She/It checked in for back spasms, something that has bothered him throughout the trial, as the jury began to deliberate for the fifth day. What could possibly be taking 5 days? Glad you asked.

Day One: Choosing favorite Michael Jackson jokes. The one about Neil Armstrong is crowned King of Joke in a heated 8-4 decision.

Day Two: Juror 9 and juror 7 argue over which dance sequence was better, the one from Thriller or the one from Beat It. Juror 5 and juror 11 finally break their awkward silence with a passionate open-mouthed kiss. Juror 5, in homage to Andy from Wet Hot American Summer, subsequently tells juror 11 she "frenches good".

Day Three: What was up with that panther in the Black or White video we were all forced to watch back in '91?

Day Four: Law and Order on TNT followed by Ellen followed by In & Out burgers followed by naps followed by juror 10 asking "Does anyone else think this Jesus Juice stuff is fucking weird?"

Day Five: Juror 1 brags about being "Number One". Juror 12 questions his own worth. Juror 2 and Juror 3 conspire to poison Juror 1's In & Out burger tomorrow. Stay tuned.
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1503802/20050609/jackson_michael.jhtml?headlines=true#Scene_1

I'm so sorry you had to slap me, 'cause you've never done that before. But I'm so glad that man made a pass at me. I used to wonder if you loved me, now Daddy I know. - Mable John

Fell In Love With a Girl. On My Payroll. Jack White weds model he met on the set of a White Stripes video shoot about a month ago. And the happy couple is looking forward to the next few weeks. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-06/06.shtml#white

Tommy Lee Pledges KA. The high-school dropout goes to college in NBC's latest reality show. He says all he ever wanted in life was to be a Rock Star, have sex with Heather Locklear, make a porn with Pamela Anderson and be a Cornhusker. Series Premiere Tuesday August 16th. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6205694/

All He Needed Was a Hockey Mask. This story has to infuriate Mexicans. They cram themselves into dashboards, hang onto axles, tiptoe across dams and dig mile long tunnels to get into the States, and here this guy is, albeit a naturalized US citizen, staggering across the border looking like he'd just wandered off the lot of Freddy vs. Jason . . .

BOSTON, June 7 (AP) - On April 25, Gregory Despres arrived at the border crossing at Calais, Me., carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood. American customs agents confiscated the weapons and fingerprinted Mr. Despres. Then they let him into the United States. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/08/national/08chainsaw.html?th&emc=th

Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson, Desperate Housewife Number One. Anne Bancroft, who gave hope to every guy out there that his fantasy might become a reality, died yesterday. FYI: The Graduate remains as relevant today as it was in 1967. I've been on the bottom of the pool since '97. http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=829366

Blame It On Your Genes. Not on the fact that I don't believe in foreplay. Or in reciprocity. http://www.news-medical.net/?id=10793

Beware Of The Bearded Lady. I'll be in Charleston for this show, so if you want to meet me there and fight or duel or make out, just let me know. Oh, and a friend told me just last night that Sam Beam had gotten "jammy". Here's hoping my friend had gotten "it wrong". Iron & Wine Tour Dates: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-06/08.shtml#iron

Is Scientology Really Wonderful? Case closed. Thanks, Katie! http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4580458/detail.html

It's Raining Man. This guy shoulda just tried wielding a homemade sword and a bloody chainsaw. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/4072754.stm

Bob Jones University. Ha ha! BJU. Get It? Like BJ-U. Like Blow J U. You know, Blow Job U. Blow Job U-niversity. Get It? Anyway, BJU has always been about oral sex, but now it's about man-on-man oral sex. In Secrets of a Gay Marine Pornstar, the gay, ex-marine, pornstar author talks about his experience at the Christian Fundamentalist enclave in Greenville, SC. But I'm confused, why would a Gay Marine Pornstar who attended Bob Jones have secrets? http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3445715

You better get back to your used to be, 'cause your kind of love ain't good for me. I hear you knocking, but you can't come in. - Fats Domino

Golf, Gentrification and something called Underbounding. Greetings From North Carolina. We'll give you sewer and water just before we turn your street into a fairway. "Honey, I love Blacks. I love to work with the Blacks", said Virginia Saunders, a County Commissioner who is in no way related, she thanks God daily, to Sports Reporter John Saunders. Nice piece to read before the US Open gets underway next week.
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/07/national/07pinehurst.html?th&emc=th

Wha Ha Happen, Kazaam? Scratch What I Said About Game 7. There probably won't be one. And with the boring-ass, machine-like play of Tim Duncan and the ugly-ass, loudmouthed play of Rashhed Wallace, I probably won't watch games 1-6 either. Yeah, the Pistons won. Get ready to hear "defense wins championships" from every jabberjaw on Sportscenter. The bottom line: no one but Detroit wanted this, including ABC. http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/playoffs2005/dailydime?page=dailydime-050606

So This Is Why Soaps Are So Popular. We're all bonkers, apparently. I could have told you that without the surveys. Speaking of bonkers, damn that candy was good. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2005/06/07/MNGB3D4N3K1.DTL

And This Explains My Palpitations. Dull Job equals Heart Disease. Hmm. I thought it equaled a blig with irregular posts.
http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml;jsessionid=2YQLO40B13CSWCRBAELCFFA?type=healthNews&storyID=8710819

Milk. It's What's On Your Thighs. And to all you Skim drinkers: Suckas! Maybe. http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=healthNews&storyID=8710571

The Best Days of Our Lives. You know that Weekend Players song? Yeah, pretty awse. I think Amstel Light or Sudweiser (in a rare appeal to intellect) used it in one of their spots. It rocks. But I can't help but think of the TV show of a similar name . . .

Transcript from Monday's Show:

Will: It's okay. I know you went over to rescue Uncle Philip, which is actually pretty cool. But, mom, I still want to know how you ended up in a war zone with Tony DiMera.

Sami: Honey, it's like I told you when we were on the web cam. It's just, um, really confusing. It was a whole mess. The bottom line is, Tony got me over there, and when I finally escaped, I rescued your dad and the others. Right, Lucas?

Lucas: Yeah, that's right. Your mom was a real hero, Will.

Like Sands through the Hour Glass this Show is Crazier than a Shithouse Rat

Back in high school, I had a pretty fierce bout with Mononucleosis. I had to stay home with my trench mouth and watch a lot of TV. My mom had a show that she forced me to watch every afternoon. It was called Days of Our Lives. And still is. But fans know it as just "Days". And they're familiar with the unpredictable climate, varied terrain and surrealism that is Salem.

In the early 90s, there were characters named Patch, Hope, Bo, Roman, Marlena, Stefano, Lucas and Sami. I always hated Lucas, because he reminded me of a rat. He's older now, but still resembles a rodent in a Constantine from American Idol sorta way. Patch, from what I can tell, is the only one gone. Still, I have a funny feeling he'll return one day with a story of a faked death and an alien abduction. They all do.

Seriously, Days is out of control. And despite that, or thanks to that, it will celebrate its 40th birthday in November. I mean, I've seen exorcisms on this show, for Christ's sake.

Still, it comes on everyday at 1 Eastern, so I catch a scene or two per week. As far as I know, in the past year, half of the cast have been held captive on a deserted island (brilliantly named Captive Island) by someone who supposedly died back when I had Mono. And the other half (possibly with some crossover) has been in what looks to be Iraq fighting the good fight. Yes, I said Iraq. They're all dying and rescuing and killing and stuff. They're all heroes. Fucking hotass heroes.

And they all have secrets. Secrets that would kill someone if everyone on the show wasn't so damn immortal.

James Reilly, the head writer for the show, is a genius - in the sportscaster's sense of the word. The scenarios that he dreams up are partly what made David Sedaris' piece about his stint as a creative writing teacher in Chicago so funny. Sedaris doesn't really need to rely on anything other than himself to get a laugh. So I give most of the credit to his writing, but the fact that he took the absurd plotlines seriously was in deed funny. He knew the characters' idiosyncrasies well enough to predict what could or could not happen on upcoming shows. And it all seemed crazy, because in the Soap World, it is crazy. But, as Sedaris pointed out, there is method to the madness.

And, well, then there is Days. It's pure madness. If James Reilly wants to shoot a scene on the moon, consider it done. Want an Ebola outbreak? Done. Rabid Roosters? Tune in Thursday. Highlights from the Days site? You got it . . .

So these are actual cut and paste jobs from the NBC sponsored Days site. They are tidbits from the show's synopsis. In case you missed it, storylines to catch you up. Mostly, these are the excerpts I found too good to be true/too hot for TV. Stuff I'm not clever enough to make up - or write. The exclamation points have been left intact. Enjoy.

The Safest Job in Showbiz aka Captive Island

Eventually, Nicole's plan took a deadly turn when she decided to kill Victor. Nicole ordered Jan to do the deed and Jan, believing Nicole would help her get Shawn, obliged. Jan electrocuted Victor while he was taking a bath! However, neither Jan nor Nicole knows that Victor is actually alive and well on Captive Island.

In an ensuing confrontation with Tony and Lucas, both of whom she believed were partly responsible, Sami fell through a glass door! The accident left her fighting for her life. Eventually, she pulled through but was unable to talk.

Alone in an alley while pursuing his story, the Salem Stalker attacked Jack! Jack survived the attack, but the doctors declared him brain dead. Jennifer was forced to make the hardest decision of her life when she was reminded that Jack was an organ donor. After searching her soul, Jennifer decided to pull the plug so that Jack would be able to help others, as he wanted to do.

As it turned out Jack was alive and being held on Captive Island. After her plane went down, Jennifer arrived on the island and was reunited with her husband.

Marlena was shot and killed on the roof of the jail after being arrested, but as it turned out she wasn't really dead. After waking up in her coffin, Marlena found herself transportedand ultimately wound up on an island that looked exactly like Salem! Marlena was stunned to see all of her "victims" alive and well on the island. Also present was Victor Kiriakis, who was actually murdered by Jan Spears! The captives had no clue how they got to the island, who put them there or why.

Eventually, Jennifer, Patrick and Hope wound up on the island as well. Jennifer and Hope were reunited with their loved ones, but danger loomed for all!

WTF?!

Mimi's boyfriend, Rex DiMera, arrived in Salem mysteriously with his twin, Cassie. It was eventually revealed that Rex and Cassie were the genetically engineered children of Marlena and Tony!

Salem - A Great Place to Die

On the day of Theo's christening, Lexie was terrified when Abe was late to the church. As it turned out, she had good reason to be. Outside of his home, Abe was shot down!

She saw the evil eyes she had recognized in her dreams! The killer then viciously attacked Maggie with a liquor bottle.

After just learning that Cassie was in fact a Brady (since Roman and Kate were her parents), Cassie was stabbed to death on Thanksgiving Day. Unfortunately, the Bradys grief did not end there. After finally tying the knot with Kate, Roman was viciously stabbed and killed at his wedding reception.

On the night of his wedding to Kate, Sami announced to her father that he was "dead to her" as a result of his decision to marry her enemy, Kate. Before Sami could make amends with her father, he was viciously murdered.

The tiger attack did not kill Tony, but as he lay in his hospital bed the killer finished the job by injecting poison into his I.V.

Invaluable Links:

Stefano, the original gangsta, et al:
http://daysofourlives.about.com/library/gallery/blgallery_days_villains_1.htm

Days Hub:
http://www.nbc.com/Days_of_our_Lives/index.shtml

Deidre Hall Website:
http://www.marlena.com/

But if you make an ugly woman your wife, you'll be happy for the rest of your life. An ugly woman cooks her meals on time. She'll always give you peace of mind. - Jimmy Soul

Okay, stop guessing. It's me, dumbass. I'm back. I was sick as a dog at the end of last week, so I apologize to the three of you who actually realized I wasn't posting. It was the strangest thing. I must have been in a Zyrtec coma, because I swear I was at a wedding at some place called Tuckahoe Plantation, Jefferson's childhood home (Thomas not George). My friend, Land, was there. He told me, in confidence, that his manhood was inadequate. I got drunk. I woke up two days later in Greenville, SC. Very strange. Nevertheless, I'm back. http://www.historictuckahoe.com/

Cold Coffee:

The Benjamins. My dad is a school teacher. In other words, my family is extremely wealthy. The perquisites that District 7 continually throws at my father have become impossible to dodge. In fact, as a little thank-you for the hard work he put in this past school year, he received an oversized, gold-colored paper clip that read "I make a difference". But we all know it should have said "mint" instead of "difference". Yep, my pappy can buy and sell you. Especially if you happen to be a rug from The Pottery Barn Outlet. Anyway, The Times has been campaigning for a Pulitzer while examining class in America these past couple of weeks. I think this is their latest article. It's about the hyper-rich. The top 0.1% of Americans. They're getting richer. Much richer. You go, Dad! http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/05/national/class/HYPER-FINAL.html?incamp=article_popular

Crowe Hangs Up Phone. On Someone's Face. And in doing so, the "No Rules" myth is quickly dispelled by NYC's finest. The Loose Cannon from Australia, who stars next to constipation-faced Zellweger in Cinderella Man, was hoping for a late checkout from his Manhattan hotel. According to one bystander, Crowe and his kangaroo were "bloomin mad" and "brandishing boomerangs". http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=823673

49ers - Anyteeeng You Want. Like I said, I was sick last week, so I missed a bunch of stories, including this one about an in-house movie to which Jeff Garcia gave two very enthusiastic thumbs up. At any rate, this story warrants retelling. Or remembering.
http://cbs.sportsline.com/nfl/story/8524211

Mars Rover. Brought to you by Daewoo. Great, because we've all been wondering what the ole Rover was up to. According to experts, it was stuck in a dune for a month, but is back on track and set to make some scientific breakthroughs any second now. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/06/science/06mars.html?th&emc=th

Pumped the volume up a little too high. Slater grabs an ass and a headline for the first time in ages, which is great news for Slater look-alikes, because his E True Hollywood Story will definitely need some re-shooting. http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/314968p-269419c.html

Porn industry in triple ecstasy. XXX domain names will be available as early as this fall. That means naughteeeclowns.com will soon become the naughtyclowns.xxx it's always wanted to be. http://news.techwhack.com/1337/02060506-icann-approves-xxx-domain-names/

Joint Bogarted by Supreme Court. Montel Williams pulling tubes like there's no tomorrow. http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/06/06/scotus.medical.marijuana/

Life Imitates Art. Snoop Dogg goes gangsta on dude while singing about going gansta on dude. Remind me when his show rolls through town. This thing has family outing written all over it. http://thetrack.bostonherald.com/starTracks/view.bg?articleid=87706

Top Ten Signs You Eat Dinner at 4PM. David Letterman, who without all the makeup in Indy looked like Danika's exhumed great grandfather, and old people everywhere are applauding the shingles breakthrough. Only to forget what the hell they're clapping for moments later. http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory?id=811962

Marion Jones or Mother Jones? Marion to speak on behalf of new Nike mall walkers. http://www.signonsandiego.com/sports/20050602-9999-6s2briefs.html

Bingo Wings. So what the hell is that fat that hangs from the back of your (or other people's) arms called? You know, that fat that keeps waving at you long after the hand has stopped. Pick your horse and get back to me:

Chicken Wings, Bat Wings, Bingo Wings, Goodbye Sallys, Turkey Beards, Wattles, Fat Hammocks, Demilunes, Crescent Rolls, Pew Fans, Good Gollys, Lordy Lous, Arm Kites, Cellugliders, Arma Rays, Stocking Stuffers, Giblets, Seconds, Underhills, Humorous Hiders, Sleeve Fillers, Whale Tails, Gravy Fins, Biscuit Makers, Apron Shakers, Weeble Wobbles, Armbrellas, Pillsburys, Monkey Bars, Arm Tarps, Look Aways, Re-Wavers
http://open-dictionary.com/Bingo_wings

Mikwright Shmikwright. Don't forget to support your local card dealer. Keller's Kards are "hysterical, not to mention funny" says Jeff from New York. Land, gay in Tennessee, claims they're "fabulous and magical". You be the judge. http://www.kellerskards.com/kit-n-kaboodle.html

And I hope this message stays in your mind, 'cause you almost lost a girl who is right on time. There's one more thing that you got to know; just cool it down and stay in control. - New Edition

Push, Push in the Bush. Bush crossing his Skeletor fingers for a Deep Throat sequel. Apparently he's been mislead by the racy moniker, too. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/06/01/AR2005060101044.html

More Bush, Anyone? George H. W. H. III Herbert Jeremiah Baked Beans says comparing Guantanamo to a Gulag is "absurd". For one, he added, gulag is typically tomato-based and heavy on the paprika. Bush, dashing in Henry Poole while staring at his lowest approval rating since he took office, went on and on and on about a lot of his other failures, begging the label of lame duck.
http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/nation/20050601-9999-1n1bush.html

'No Rules Just Right' Mentality Bites Aussie in Ass. The 27 yr old woman was recently found guilty of trying to smuggle 9 pounds of the herb into Bali in October of '04. She has just filed an appeal, but it doesn't look promising. The High Times subscriber, who claims the buds were planted in her bag, was sentenced to 20 years in an Indonesian prison. Back in her homeland, the Indonesian Embassy received a letter with some anthrax-like substance in it. You call that a death threat? http://www.iht.com/articles/2005/06/01/news/indo.php

Friends cast gushes about busker/terrorist. I didn't get past the headline, because I was just that shocked to find that the gang got back together for an episode about ratting people out. http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/news/nation/11785476.htm

Michael Jackson to star in his own fantasy. I'm not the first to say it, but either Johnny Depp looks like Jacko or Jacko looks like Depp. You be the judge. http://chocolatefactorymovie.warnerbros.com/

A Landslide Will Bring You Down. It's a good thing The OC isn't filming right now, because Marissa would be dangling in her 'Stang til next Thursday, 8 Eastern. The very real landslide destroyed some homes in the area valued around 2 mil, which the mayor described as "average". And if she wasn't referring to their prices, this mayor has no tact whatsoever. Talk about salt on the wounds. They just lost their homes, for Christ's sake, and you're questioning their taste? http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=domesticNews&storyID=8670447

Father Time. Rod Stewart, seen here in a daguerreotype, to have a 6th child with as many wives in as many decades. Or thereabouts. http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4554710/detail.html

Is That You, Dad? Lindsay Lohan gets rammed by a paparazzo. Other than being dangerously malnourished, having a father facing hard time and a movie called Herbie: Fully Loaded out this summer, she's doing just fine. http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,16665,00.html?tnews