I like 'em brown, yellow, Puerto Rican or Haitian. - A Tribe Called Quest

Billy Bush Still Alive For Some Reason. Yeah, he hosted Ms. Universe was last night. It was real exciting. Ms. Canada walked home with the tiara. And Ms. America looked a little soft. Still, none of these women can feel as bad as Ms. US Virgin Islands. She went home with the newly created title of Miss Congeniality aka Are You Done With Them Fries? http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/storypage.aspx?StoryId=6646

The Queen is Dead. 9 year old girl fatally stabs 11 yr old girl named Queen, over a ball. Yes, you read all of that correctly. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/05/31/national/main698615.shtml

Suns haven't set yet. And that pun is about as interesting as this series. I'll watch game 7 of the finals, but that's about it. I posted a link for consistency's sake. Ignore it. I did. http://www.nba.com/suns/news/report_050530.html

I didn't know they made lacrosse helmets that big. The Blue Devils lose their first bid for a lacrosse championship to Johns Hopkins. Wojo slapping a court somewhere. http://www.ncaasports.com/lacrosse/mens/recaps/d1_0530_final

Paris is engaged! Yes, Paris Latsis is engaged! To Paris Hilton, whoever the hell she is. http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Movies/05/30/hilton.engaged.reut/index.html

Daryl Hannah She's Not. Despite precious soubriquet, mermaid baby is actually not cute, and so will begin 15 years of surgery to make her less mermaid baby-like. http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/americas/05/30/mermaid.baby.ap/index.html

Bum Fights Gone Wild. A couple of really handsome, upstanding teens land themselves in jail after they beat a hobo to death for "something to do". Here's something else you boys might want to do: go ahead and lube up your arseholes. http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/05/31/homeless.killing.ap/index.html

Not the Deep Throat I was looking for. This link was a total let down. The only dick it mentions is of the tricky variety. http://www.wcax.com/Global/story.asp?S=3412642

Confessions. Part 3. I stole $200 out of a teacher's purse back in 7th grade and blamed it on the only black kid in my class. But I digress; this little blog featured in the Times today is all about confessing a secret. Something that you've been dying to get off your shoulders. It's all done via postcards. Some are very interesting. Some are very disturbing. http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Not a Good Day to Spit Beechnut in that Dude's Eye. Today is World No Tobacco Day. In other words, it's the day before a bunch of people sift through their garbage for that pack of smokes they threw out yesterday. http://www.elitestv.com/pub/2005/May/EEN429c9024cf34c.html

So we take each other's hand, 'cause we seem to understand the urgency. Just remember you're the one thing I can't get enough of, so I'll tell you something: this could be love, because I've had the time of my life. - Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes

Reunited. And it feels so wrong. The Spice Ladies are reuniting for some lame ass event that was just made even lamer. http://www.itv.com/news/entertainment_1379423.html

God Exists! The Spice Girls are reuniting, thereby making some lame ass event less lame ass. http://www.spicegirlsforever.co.uk/

Fish Be Dammed! Bush doesn't give a rat's anus about fish. And ichthyologists everywhere are outraged and nerdy. Don't say we didn't warn you when you find salmon sprouting legs and lungs and walking across those dams. They'll adapt and evolve, George. And then those stickers on the back of Outbacks won't . . . well, okay, they'll still be dumb. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/27/national/27dams.html?th&emc=th

'Twas was a banner month, in deed. Personal income rose .7% in April. Let's see, I'm gonna buy a mansion and a yacht and jet plane and a soda fountain for my mansion and a moonwalk thingy for my backyard and a zebra that I'll ride to school and no one else can ride it cuz it's mine.
http://www.forbes.com/home/feeds/ap/2005/05/27/ap2061351.html

Technicality noted. Jolie says she didn't bang - or get banged by - Brad Pitt whilst he was married to Rachel. Ross, absolutely glowing, still sharing his doubts to an inconsolable Rach. http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/showbiz/articles/18917912?source=Daily%20Mail

3rd Period Wedgie followed by a 4th Period Ass-Whopping. Pickens County woman does irrevocable damage to son's recess cred. She had a problem with the language that Apollo 13, a PG film that one of his junior high classes watched, subjected him to. He actually came home upset and told moms about it. Apparently, they take the Lord's name in vain and drop a few S-bombs along the way, and this was troublesome for the righteous teen. Almost as troublesome as the words 'fucking pussy', 'douche bag' and 'mother fucking son of a bitch' that, thanks to the report on last night's news, he will undoubtedly be hearing. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3398365

Armpit of the south vying for armpit of the world. It's senior week across the country. And that means it's all downhill from here for most folks heading to Myrtle Beach. For those not familiar with the heart of South Carolina's Redneck Riviera, throw on a tank top and gold chain, add a motorcycle and some Scotch Guard, and now punch yourself in the face. Oh, and contract scabies. Welcome to Myrtle. "We got drunk on the beach", said Krystal, who hopes to one day work for her namesake. She added, verbatim, "We got drunk as hell, went to the clubs, walk down the strip." I added, verbatim, "Wooooooo!" http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3394318

Rock-hard erections and blindness? Sign me up! Viagra reportedly causes blindness in some males. And in some females who let you. http://society.guardian.co.uk/health/news/0,8363,1494092,00.html

You go hide. I'll count to 60 years. Found! Two Japanese soldiers were hiding out in the Philippines waiting for WWII to end. The good news for them is that the war is over; the bad news is that housing costs in Japan have really skyrocketed since the 40s. They had this to say: We are ready. Stop. To return home. Stop. http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=796856

Queer as Folk I Went to College With. Cool is looking like the spokesperson for an after-school special encouraging acceptance of all people, regardless of sexual preference. The truth is that I couldn't care less about anyone's preference. So long as this guy ain't it. http://www.rogerhailes.com/poetryss2.html

In our world of reality, we cling to dreams as a form of hope. So this memoir of madness is actually the psychosis of being dope. - L'roneous Da Versifier

Where there's a handle that needs jiggling . . . Koran flushing at Guantanamo and the somewhat unsubstantiated Newsweek story that followed won't go away. The papers released to the ACLU don't confirm anything, technically, but it's good enough for me. So why isn't it good enough for government work, as they way? http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/26/politics/26koran.html?th&emc=th

But Joey has such promise! NBC scrambling after it finishes 4th, just ahead of UPN, in network ratings. That's right, FOX, riding an OC/Super Bowl wave, passes them by, likely hanging their asses out of the window. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/26/arts/television/26rati.html?th&emc=th

Bo gets hosed. The only explanation is that he was just "too real". The "cats" out there certainly stood by his side. But, I mean, his 'real factor' was off the charts. As a result, he lost the critical just-an-average-schmo-who-can-only-recognize-keul-if-it's-conspicuous segment. Carrie, smelling blood, played it safe and walked away with a Marquis Jet Card and the real possibility of being manhandled by either Rascal or Flatts. http://www.elitestv.com/pub/2005/May/EEN42955860db994.html

Kristof creams the very jeans he planned to donate to the Darfur effort. For real, no need to pick up the Sunday Times Editorials. Kristof has already written his piece. It goes something like this: "This money for Darfur, raised by Canada, US and others is a start. But only a start. America, we can - and must - do more!" And so on and so forth. http://breakingnews.iol.ie/news/story.asp?j=144280278&p=y44z8x984

There's no cooters in baseball, either. Score that as an error in judgment. Coach drops trow to show team that it takes balls to play America's pastime. Why'd you look at second? Is that where you left your Kotex? The play was at first, Mister "Look at me! I got a vagina!" http://www.thecarolinachannel.com/sports/4534499/detail.html

I'll be forgotten in two years for 600, Alex. Ken Jennings, slipping into obscurity, finishes 2nd in the tournament of champions. In doing so, he won some more cash and secured a place for his name on the back of a Trivial Pursuit Genus 6 card. http://www.thecarolinachannel.com/entertainment/4533433/detail.html

Doggystyle. Unfortunately, without the consent of said dog. This happened in my backyard. Not literally my backyard, but close enough to hear the yelps. And if you're wondering, huffing gasoline and makin' a baby with your meth-addicted boyfriend of the hour will have no negative repercussions. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3388412

Rednecks playing a game they can't spell. Redneck Roulette is like Russian Roulette, but replace the mystique with some Mistys. That should do it. On a side note, chances are looking pretty good that one of thee guys fathered the aforementioned dog rapist. http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3393611

The oolice should arrest the editor. The story is bad, but the writing and editing is worse. And check out the quotes they chose to use from the victim's classmate. Something about not expecting the guy to die yesterday. No, really, Ms. Cleo? http://www.whns.com/Global/story.asp?S=3382887

Roger, we hardly knew ye. And rightly so. Still, I thought depression was waking up with 40 bucks in your wallet and a condom hanging out of your bottom. Apparently, this studmuffin forgot about that incident. Or, even worse, he didn't! http://www.rogerhailes.com/poetryss4.html

But sometimes, we remember our bedrooms, and our parents' bedrooms, and the bedrooms of our friends. Then we think of our parents, well what ever happened to them? - Arcade Fire

The Righteous Reverend George Bush, His Holiness Almighty. Congress passed a bill that would use federal dollars to fund programs that use stem cells from discarded embryos for research. Research that could enable Christopher Reeve to walk again. If he wasn't dead. The only legislation regarding stem cells that Bush has supported in the past had to do with stem cells that were already extracted from the discarded embryos. So, in effect, federal dollars were not supporting the future destruction of embryos, a consequence of extracting the cells. Anyway, the point is that Bush is "fin to put a veto on that ass". Or something about as articulate. Next on the agenda: Preserving cum rags throughout the Heartland.
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/25/politics/25stem.html?th&emc=th

But how am I supposed to avoid my wife and kids? This guy (with the help of his wife) was making some valid points. I was all for changing the very nature of jobs, especially in America. You know, more time for the things that really matter. That is, until I realized the writer was probably just on a drunken rampage. Two alcohol references?
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/25/opinion/25miller.html?th&emc=th

Stroker Face. Burt Reynolds proves my theory that the kick-assedness of a kick-ass 'stache can not be contained by hairs alone, no matter their coarseness, and will subsequently spread beyond the 'stache and into the brain. He slaps a guy. Yes, slaps.
http://cbsnewyork.com/topstories/local_story_145094335.html

Fat Ass, By All Accounts, Still a Fat Ass. Man loses 500 pounds. And we're not talking money, that would be a ridiculous story to cover, we're talking weight, y'all. This man, let's call him Jared, weighed nearly 1100 lbs. At birth!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kidding. Still, he's got a long way to go before he reaches his target weight of 230 pounds. It may be the cynic in me, but I'm saying "No f'n way, Jared!" http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/05/25/AR2005052500719_pf.html

Bo Knows Victory. American Idol finale seems like it may be a bit anti-climactic. After all, in the past, we had people to hate. These guys are fine. That's it. Fine. Bo wins. They both make albums that sell. Blah, blah, blah. http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=790515

Is Injun Still PC? Clinton Talks "Tha HIV" With Indian Person. "So, I have this friend who mighta had sex with a few backwoods Arkansas skanks without a rubber . . ."
http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2005-05/25/content_3002821.htm

Jackson Defense Rests. Jackson just "ready to get back to Neverland and hug his mastodons and dodo birds". Oh, and also "masturbate while flipping through a Cub Scouts pamphlet". http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/state/20050525-1106-ca-michaeljackson.html

That's life, she said, we should be dead. We should be stars and perfect tens, and that's just three off the top of my head. Once again, you're a godsend. - AC Newman

It's Done! Pitchfork Media is becoming a guilty pleasure. I visit pretty much daily to find new bands, check out tours and see how badly they bashed a favorite artist of mine. However, it's becoming more and more difficult to read. The writers are masturbating behind their keyboards, no doubt. So I just end up reading the numbers. It's the only English on the page. And David Cross sums it up perfectly with his top ten list. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/features/artistlists/c/cross_david-05/

Dairy Scream! Some really cool kids with really badass haircuts who just so happened to be racing in the streets of Gastonia, NC lost control of one of the vehicles, perhaps a Civic SI, and plowed into a bunch of Dairy Queen regulars. Thanks to layers of fat and fanny packs filled with insulin cushioning the blow, there were no fatalities. In fact, many of the tears on Monday night were simply due to the fact that the collision caused most of the victims to drop their ice cream cones. The more willful ones held on throughout the incident, a feat that paid off in spades during police questioning. http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/national/AP-Ice-Cream-Collision.html

The One Tenth That Got Away. Advertisers tell us that 99.9% of all germs are killed on contact when it comes to various hand sanitizers and disinfectants. So what's up with the .1% that isn't killed? Is it a strand of super germs? Am I in danger? And, anyway, doesn't 99.9% sound kinda made up? Please, Lysol, inform me. Oh, it's just a superbug. Nevermind. Wait, a superbug? Whaaaaa?! Seriously, though, what's up with that .1%? Anyone? Bueller? http://www.lysol.com/faqsdis.shtml#7

Look out, Vance! We knew Ellen DeGeneres hated men, but isn't this taking it a bit too far? http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/World/2005/05/22/1051600-ap.html

According to reports, NASA still exists. They're currently looking for cracks in the door of Discovery, the presumptuous name of their latest shuttle, before they give the green light to a July launch. In other words, they're setting the table for some great irony sometime in July. Call us when you find life on Mars or figure out time travel or scrap your program all together. http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/metropolitan/3194895

FOX one week away from shit-tons of COPS. It's Bo. It's Carrie. It's Idol. No need to watch, though. Bo walks away with this one. Paula cries. Randy says "dog". Simon dreams about bangers and mash. http://www.idolonfox.com/

Stuart Scott. He must be butter, because he fucking sucks.

People tell me it's a sin to know and feel too much within. I still believe she was my twin, but I lost the ring. - Bob Dylan

One for Revenge of the Sith. Box office records torn to shreds by people who otherwise could tear nothing to shreds. Still, imagine the numbers if they had dates. http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/lifestyle/chi-0505230011may23,1,387452.story?coll=chi-leisuretempo-hed

Click. Drop. Roll. Do you have an iBook? Are you on fire? If you answered "yes" to both of those questions, it may not be a coincidence. http://www.techtree.com/techtree/jsp/showstory.jsp?storyid=3937

KKKristie's Auction. A small town in Michigan auctions off a Grand Dragon's estate, including a copy of Mein Kampf with all the good stuff already highlighted. "That one right thar'll go up on my living room wall." I like the choice, Jason, but have you considered how the burning cross might affect the room's Feng Shui? Just something to think about, Jase. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/23/national/23klan.html?th&emc=th

Button-cute Renee Zellweger is in a movie. Cinderella Man, a heart-wrenching story of love, death and Pepperidge Farms, will be released sometime soon. Fans of Jerry Maguire and Cold Mountain fear not; she delivers her lines with the same scrunched-up face you've come to know and love. Redbird du jour, Kenny Chesney still being had at hello. See the trailer:
http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/cinderella_man/

Cancer changed my whole wide world. Yeah, I say cancer changed my whole wide world. Kylie Minogue, the best cancer patient ever, undoubtedly planning to record a triumphant, yet reflective album that will uncover the meaning of life. Angels and clouds set to adorn the cover. http://www.accesshollywood.com/news/4515461/detail.html

You still alive? George calls to check in on Laura Bush after her newest reality show, which sees her traveling throughout the Middle East promoting women's rights, is given many thumbs down by both Arabs and Jews. Finally, something to unite them!
http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/news/050523b.asp

So can it double as a cock ring? Last night, 60 Minutes featured a story on abstinence-only education, aka borrrrring. Included was an organization called Silver Ring Thing that promotes abstinence with vows and a little ring that isn't to be taken off until the wearer's wedding night. The hilarity continues when the founder and spokesman for Silver Ring Thing claims that he'd rather his daughter never use a condom, even if she was planning to have premarital sex. Turns out SRT educates teens about the uselessness of condoms. Not surprisingly, 60 Minutes found that 88% of those wearing the ring eventually break down and have sex, and almost never with a condom. Also, some of the participants seem to think they've found a loophole in oral and anal sex, meaning in the mouth and in the butt, respectively. And it all makes me wonder if the back of this tee reads "For some arse lube and 14 inches of mule dick!"
http://www.silverringthing.com/catalog02.html

Every morning I walk towards the edge and throw little things off. Like car parts, bottles and cutlery. Or whatever I find lying around. - Bjork

Looking for the popular Tat Guide? It's the previous post (scroll down).

Saddam possibly hung. You can't really tell, but the photo on the cover of The Sun, Britain's most credible daily, suggests that Saddam might have a WMD between his legs. http://edition.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/meast/05/20/saddam.photos/

Bye Bye Blackbird. Now, that would have been an inappropriate song for the trio to sing at the end of Wednesday night's Idol. Instead, they sang United We Stand, a song made famous in part by half-rotten, half-bred Sonny and Cher, and in part by Ross Perot. Ryan Sealab said he had no idea when the song was picked that it was gonna be so "ironic". And in saying that, he confirmed our worst fears: he's a face jockey! A hologram! A marionette! Come on, how could you guys not know? It was the friggin' results show. Short of a song called "Sorry, V, But You Just Lost and Now Must Go Back to Florida" it couldn't be more obvious. Dude, nice blazer, though.

Ellen Barkin. Not working anytime soon. Ellen Barkin VII not planning to work either. Which reminds me, you know what a billionaire's semen tastes like? Who cares!http://www.boston.com/business/articles/2005/05/19/perelman_awarded_850m_more/

The Red Cross? Was there a hurricane? Apparently, the Red Cross does more than hand out bottles of water and drop food from ghetto birds. Thanks to them, Newsweek, unlike the victims of the riots their story inspired, is not dead yet. The Red Cross warned Washington about credible reports that the Koran was being desecrated at Guantanamo Bay, a lovely little spot run by Sandals just west of Montego Bay. http://www.isn.ethz.ch/news/sw/details.cfm?id=11323

Is Newport the new Compton? Marissa busted a cap in that Trey guy's ass. Well, to be specific, it was his back. Either way, that dude doesn't look like he'll have anymore lines on The OC. Pun intended. Although, stranger things have happened. Like the Spider Man make-out. The mall lock-in. The Miami spring break. And like every single scenario of this past season. I still watch.

Run, Herbaliser, Run. Ricky 'Sticky Green' Williams don't snort the coke he only smoke sinsemilla. Nick Saban, on the other hand, is definitely smoking crack. http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2064287

He must be dead, 'cause he's in a coffin. The real question is can you hire Silky Scott to do a funeral? I guarantee he'd get "110%" in there somewhere, as well as "Class Act? Straight up tha definition of class act!" http://www.hiresportsspeakers.com/Stuart_Scott_937.htm

But it's cool, though, 'cause every girl that you know came back with some sunburn and some corn rows. - The Plastic Constellations

What Do Tattoos Really Mean?

We've all got tats. Or know someone who does. I'm all for the right to get one. I actually wanted one back in junior high. I just didn't know what to get. I didn't know what kind of tat I was. And because times change, and people change, it's likely that the tat you got in 8th grade isn't the tat you'd get today. If you'd even get one at all.

But some of those tats remind us of our salad days, perhaps. And that's not entirely bad, but some tats out there are inexcusable. If anything, they must remind that person of their salad-tossing days. So I've put together a little Tat Guide. These are generalizations. There are exceptions to every rule. But for the most part, they are dead on, according to my research.

I've not included anything about people who have their entire arms, legs or bodies covered in tats. They are to be avoided at all costs. Or simply tipped when they carry your bags up.

So find out who you are. Find out what that guy you just met is really like. Find out what I've been doing today at work.

Key:
M = Male, F = Female, GM = Gay Male, GF = Gay Female, C = Cher, TC = Tom Cruise, TA = Tom Arnold, O = Oprah, A = Angelina Jolie, TD = Tom Delay, RD = Robert Downey Jr., LB = Laura Bush, MM = Matthew McConaughey, SS = Stuart Scott

BEASTS/ANIMALS:

Unicorn: F/GM For the first 12 years of your life, you wanted one. But then you realized your parents couldn't afford one. So you dream about them often. And boys, too. You're a hand-holder. A heavy spooner. And your favorite movies are Beaches, The Princess Bride and The Never-Ending Story.

Turtle: M You love the water. Specifically, riding it while atop your Kawasaki Jet Ski. You've been arrested on marijuana possession charges once. That's when you learned the word "expunged". You wear bandanas on your head. You're a badass. Or so the decal on your Probe would have us believe.

Dolphin: F/GM A smart mammal, in deed. Unfortunately, the same can't necessarily be said about you. A dolphin on your body means that you love a lot. You love too much, actually. And you've been taken advantage of many times because of it. You've sworn off dating hotties; they inevitably use you. You also swear to never share your ATM card with future boyfriends. That was an expensive lesson. One the dolphin should have warned you about.

Rose: M/F Thank the Lord for the Dark Star Orchestra. Thank the Lord the cops didn't find your dugout.

CELESTIAL

Crescent Moon: M/F/GM You're into poetry and Medeski Martin and Wood. You swear Birkenstocks are the most comfortable shoes on the planet, and you always tell your conservative friends that a man once ran a marathon in a pair. They don't believe you. Or like you that much.

Full Moon: M/F/GM/A You don't mind anal sex. You shave your back. You have a telescope in your bedroom that you use to watch your neighbor's kids going to the bathroom.

Star: M/F You love the night life. You like to boogie. You ate 7 hits of acid one time. You wear sunglasses everywhere you go. You noodle often.

Sun: M/F You listen to a lot of Dave Matthews. You love the beach. And convertibles. You made out with the guy behind the counter at Payless Shoes last week.

Sun with Sunglasses: M/F You can't afford corrective surgery.

IDEOLOGICAL/SPIRITUAL

Peace Sign: M/F You've been planning to write a book entitled, "Tofurkey Soup for the Soul", but you're too lazy. That's why you don't shave. You think everything was better in the 60s. And you're right. You weren't alive then.

Guns: M/GF God bless Charlton Heston. God bless the US of A. God bless the bunker you built in the woods up past Highway 9.

Cross: M/F Jesus died for your sins. Jim Caviezel will forever be on your Hot List. You have a sticker of Calvin kneeling before a corss on your Silverado. It's next to the one of him urinating on the Ford logo.

Anarchy: M/GF You like the rock music. You hate the establishment. You must also hate brushing your teeth and working, because you haven't done either in over 3 years.

Star of David: M You got the tat thanks to a coupon you found in a free weekly promising you 10% off any tat (black only). But, unlike many of your cross bearing counterparts, you actually know a thing or two about religion. Shut up about it already.

Feather: M/F/GF You reference the Trail of Tears in many of your stories. You vacationed in Hawaii once. You tried surfing. It didn't take. Neither will your liver transplant.

Rebel Flag: M/F/GM/MM You are really smart. And open-minded. You tell everyone that it's "heritage" not "hate", but if pressed, you'll admit that you hate "darkies". Well, you'll at least claim that they shouldn't hold any sort of public office. You'd bang your sister on a dare.

CORPORATE

Nike Swoosh: M/GF You like the way they dribble up and down the court. You like the way your muscles look right after you do 50 push-ups. You like talking about yesteryear. You also like your Kia.

McDonald's Golden Arches: M/F/GF/O You're hungry. But you're hot. Like real hot. Because you're standing next to a Fry Daddy. You have diarrhea 4 times a day. You read Adbusters and People while on the john.

Bank of America: M/GM You heart cocaine. You heart neckties and Allen Edmunds. Your car is spotless. And thanks to the maid, so is your house. The same house where the authorities will find some of your blood. Unfortunately, they'll never find you.

NAMES

Mom: M/F Deadbeat Dad. Nuff said.

Dad: M/F So mom wasn't around? She skipped town with a salesman from Oklahoma City? She let her boyfriend slap you around in the diner that day? Poured some coffee on your crotch? Yeah, that's why you smoke two packs a day. And why Daddy's a hero.

Significant Other: M/F/GM/GF You know who you're making sweet love to. You know who you're beating. When the cops ask 'who dunnit?' You only have to point to your arm or pelvis. You're thrice-divorced. But your soul mate is out there somewhere. You'll fuck them one day. In the back of your 'Stang.

Jesus or God or Allah: M/F This is a step below the visage. But you're more than a religious dabbler. You owe your life to the man upstairs. We're hoping whoever that may be takes you up on that real soon.

Sonny Bono: GM/F/C He had you, babe. And now you've got him on your shoulder blade. Or maybe the small of your back, the most fertilized part of your body. When he died, you watched his funeral on TV, cut down every tree in your yard and read all about the Sonny Bono Copyright Term Extension Act. You also had 'RIP' burned just below his name. The dot over the "I" made to look like a tear. http://www.copyright.gov/legislation/s505.pdf

Elvis: M/F/GM The King is cool. Therefore, you are cool.

PORTRAITS

Mom: M She loved you like no one can love you. Especially your girlfriend. That's why you cheat on her and occasionally beat her. She ain't Momma.

Dad: M/F Papa don't take no mess. He's the reason you are the person you are today. He'll be getting out of jail in 7 years.

Fallen Sibling: M You're probably black. Or at least think you are. You play basketball but are out of shape. However, your trademark sweat suits tell a different story. Everything you do you do for your lost sib. Except the drugs. Those you do to perpetuate a stereotype.

Jesus: M/F/TD Christ is your Savior, but somehow He didn't save you from making this mistake. You'd like to remove the tat, but fear retribution from the Lord. I mean, getting Jesus lasered off your arm has to be a sin.

Significant Other: M/F Yeah, this one is heading for the Big D. And we're not talking about Detroit. If you're not already married, don't do it. It's all downhill after the tat, because there is no greater show of affection than the visage of one's lover etched into one's skin. You can't top that. No matter how hard you try. That realization will tear you apart. That and the tornado heading for your trailer park.

Dave (from Wendy's): M Open late. Or so we hear. Dude, you got a serious fixation on squares. You're also a genius who will one day climb Everest and cure Cancer. At the same time!

Ghandi: GM/F This one is tricky. If you've got a tat of Ghandi's countenance on your person, you only did it to get noticed by that guy behind you in your yoga class. Turns out he was gay. But the tat rocks!

*Editor's Note: If the tat is actually that of Ben Kingsley who played Ghandi in the movie of the same name, we salute you. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001426/

Self: M/RD You got yourself tattooed on your self? We have to meet. I love crotch rockets and Tesla, too! You bring the meth; I'll bring the gun so we can kill ourselves! This tat is popular with NBA players and a few down-and-out movie stars. Robert Downey Jr. - a doomed man? I know it's old news, but it still roxxx. Read Story

MISCELLANEOUS

POW/MIA: M/GM You have a motorcycle. You do not have a helmet. You drink bourbon and cheap beer. And you let everyone at the county fair know both. You also frequent other outdoor festivals. You haven't taken your mandals off since '87. You know, back when the country was strong.

Semper Fi: M/GM/GF The only guns you carry around these days are busting out of your sleeves. That's right, you lift weights. Lots of weights. You like your women a little on the trashy side. You support Bush. You got in three fights last month. Nice Ford Ranger.

Chinese Characters: M/F/GM/TC You're not Chinese. But you like Chinese food. You're deep. You occasionally smoke grass. But always someone else's. You've been laid twice this year. Once for free. Oh, and the framed Samurai sword is a nice touch.

Skull: M No one understands you, man. Especially not that 12 year old you've got locked up in your basement. He doesn't know shit. He definitely doesn't know why you display old grenades next to your bed.

Anchor: M/GM/TA You have a pipe, a sailor's hat and a speech impediment. You eat tons of spinach. And a wiry little number named Olive calls you her man. Well, when she's not face down in the lap of Bluto.

Heart: GM/GF Two words: Gay.

Barcode: M Clever about 15 years ago. Still, it tells the world that you can be bought and sold. Not surprisingly, no takers.

Dancing Bear: M/F/LB There are some Devil Sticks under your Futon. Your tapestries look awfully Indian. You've heard of the Sitar, but aren't quite sure what it sounds like. After a backstage visit with WSP, your life has been nothing but failure after failure. But it's cool, though, you've got some incense and two cats to lift your spirits.

Stuart Scott: SS You suck arse. Keep biting the other side of the pillow, hoss.

666: M Ah, I like you. Please don't hurt me. Nice tat!

Do you have a tattoo story? Do you know someone with a tat of his likeness on his bicep? Do tell!

He only sings when he's sad. And he's sad all the time, so he sings the whole night through. Yeah, he sings in the daytime, too. - M. Ward

This Just In! What? Women have orgasms? I'm hearing a big "who cares?" from the boys in the class. Just kidding. Was it good for you? Okay, now go clean up. The Times examines the female orgasm. It's like a man's titties, one female scientist claims. In those words exactly. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/17/science/17orga.html?pagewanted=1&incamp=article_popular

I Do! Sorta. Maybe. We'll See. In LA! The Bachelor wrapped up last night. And I don't know about you guys, but I went through a box of Kleenex and a wonderful Chardonnay from the Smoky Mountains before I even got a glimpse of that promise ring. Boo Hoo! Charlie Tuna did the gentlemanly thing and broke it to Krisily back stage. All those BJs for nothing! Charlie unloaded the standards. "You're an amazing gal" "Some guy's gonna be real lucky" "You're awesome and beautiful and I love you. Wait, scratch that last part" . . .
Nana, the 80 year old grandmother who's about as classy as J Lo's lingerie line, managed to steal a bit more of the spotlight last night by again shaking her tailfeather as if to readjust her Depends.

Krisily had little chance. She was what I call loveably dumpable. For some reason, maybe it's her 80's looks, maybe it's her seemingly proletarian upbringing or maybe it's her family of twice-divorced redbirds, but dumping her type comes with a little less fear and guilt. The fact that her entire family sounded like they had speech impediments certainly didn't help her cause.

And then there was one. The much-maligned Sarah B. hand-holds her way into Charlie's heart. It came as no surprise to find she owned a King Charles Spaniel. As devoted, cute, cuddly and devoid of personality as its owner. Oh, I kid. I guarantee you that dog parties harder than Sarah B. Taking it any way it can get it. Sarah, on the other hand, still follows her smooches with giggles. Fuck that. At any rate, they'll be in LA together, bound by the promise ring and the pressure of ABC. Best luck guys. America's future is depending on it. http://www.newsday.com/entertainment/sns-celebrity-0517bachelor.story

Freebird! In other reality news, American Idol looks to wrap up its season, as well. Bo has the obvious edge going into this thing. He's the only male and he's "real". Carrie will duke it out with Vonzell and find that it's no easy task. My prediction: Bo faces Carrie for an all-cracker showdown in the finals. Paula still sore from Corey's ass-raping.

What are you doing, Trey? The OC goes redbird, too. With Trey and Jess in the fray, it's anything goes. Lying, cheating, drugging and dying. Caleb, the wealthiest man in The OC, has a heart attack minutes after his trashy, soon-to-be-divorced wife, Julie, decides not to poison him after all. The money wars that this will incite should be interesting in deed. Not to mention, Caleb's daughter, Kirsten (Sandy's wife), who has had a drinking problem, to say the least, will be seeking even more comfort from Grey Goose. She needs to clean up soon, because she's running the risk of losing our support. However, Sandy is still the man I want to be. Dad, if you're reading this, why can't you be more like Sandy? Damn you! Anyway, Kirsten and her oblique mouth need to straighten up stat.

Meanwhile, Trey, the rape artist, tells his bro, Ryan, that Marissa was the one trying to rape him. Likely story, coke man-whore. And Jess, slutbag extraordinaire, is still trying to get her hands around Ryan's manhood. Fat chance. You know, that's the name of Ryan's manhood: Fat Chance (read it in Star). Anyway, he'll turn to her in a moment of weakness and she'll probably film it or Marissa will walk in on them on her way to tell Ryan how much she loves him. It always happens that way. But we still watch. Because they're hot. And our lives suck at the moment.

Girlfriend? I don't need no stinking girlfriend. PS3 is coming out next spring. And if I learned anything from PS2, it's that God lives inside. http://www.thestreet.com/_googlen/tech/hardware/10223749.html?cm_ven=GOOGLEN&cm_cat=FREE&cm_ite=NA

All I want is a wife to beat. Speaking of being single, this is a look at the life of an unmarried man living in South Carolina. Depressing? Oh, shut up and hand me my Zoloft. http://www.upstatelink.com/issues/2005/05/16/2005051664517.htm

Crimson and Black. Soon, malingering at Harvard will be preceded by "Let's skip that negro's class". http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/17/education/17harvard.html?th&emc=th

Ratatat Tat. Okay, so check back tomorrow for the first ever Tat Guide. We'll explore personalities, tat trends and tat no-no's (a bit redundant). And we'll make fun of you, especially if Jesus' face is on your back.

Miles away or just up ahead, it doesn't matter what any of us is looking for. We'll never find it, because it's not even there. - Hayden

He's a Lap Dancer. Terrell Owens is a tease. And so moody, this guy! The only thing he ever seems satisfied with is himself. So he's now asking for more money before he dances in the Eagle's end zone again (Mind you, TO's house has already been featured on Cribs). This has Cheetah 3 written all over it. You've got to blow a wad of cash before you blow a wad of anything else. Sadly, the only guarantee is the former. http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=kreidler_mark&id=2058779

You So Funny! Dave Chappell delivers his best one-liner yet. Something about spiritually awakening his inner Muslim and not doing drugs and I can't remember the rest because it all sounded like bullshit. At any rate, it looks like he won't be back for quite some time. Til then, Comedy Central is airing outtakes, etc. from his DVD. That's a $50 Million show if I've ever heard one. http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,16556,00.html?tnews

Swing and a miss. Jason Giambi couldn't get a hit if he lived with Ike Turner. He's batting .200 last I checked, which is what they call the Mendoza Line. And unless you're a pitcher, you don't want to be near it. FYI: Giambi isn't a pitcher. And as likable as he may be, it turns out he ain't much of batter, either. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/05/16/SPGMMCPQAL1.DTL

Star Jones is Al Roker. For real, they both have heads that seem to be constricted by a rubber band somewhere around the base of the neck. Oh, and they're black, and you know how all black people look alike. Or is that Asians? Who cares? They're not white and that's the most important lesson we can learn today, kids! In other news, Star Jones questions her own fame, but quickly decides her chili-fries craving is a more important nut to crack. http://www.starjones.com/

Newsweek kills 78. After a Newsweek report about American troops desecrating the Koran, outrage set in and violence ensued in Afghanistan and other countries at the bottom of your vacation list (as I reported last week). And now the death toll is up to 15. 17 if you count women. In light of this, Newsweek offers an apology and does the only thing it can do: says the story was made up. That the source was wrong. The one source. Not two, which is apparently standard, and as this case points out, warranted. Typically, when a publication makes a mistake, you can find the correction in small print near the front of the pub. In Newsweek's case, you can check the Obits, as well. http://www.elitestv.com/pub/2005/May/EEN42881d166a242.html

Campbell's Gone Crazy. Realizing their Tomato Soup is slowly going the way of porridge and scrapple, Campbell's suggests you turn their soup into something else (kinda like Swayze's proposal for Sheen's tears). They've told me to turn it into a taco by throwing salsa, sour cream, cheese and tortilla chips into it (gross). And also a pepperoni pizza by throwing pepperonis, cheese, bread and maybe even a pizza slicer into it (no thanks). That's when you know your product sucks ass. Hey, you'll love my cards if you add a blow job and an ice cream cone to them! The only redeeming thing about their newest ad campaign is the catchy jingle at the end. Look out for it. It will stick with you.

Tasteful Tat. An Oxymoron? Later this week we'll be doing a Tattoo Watcher's Guide. Like a Bird Watcher's Guide, but less elderly and boring. Check back for that. A hoot, for sure!

Stuart Scott. Like the other side of the pillow: Even with a few cinder blocks back there, still able to fit in the back of my trunk.

Rap's dead. Rap sucks. But thanks to ya'll for killin' it, grillin' it down and spillin its guts, and fillin' it back up with trash. Wait up, I mean cash - Jean Grae

I'll have mine with lettuce and tomato. Heinz 57 and the tip of my friend's finger. Yeah, she knew the man. She, her husband and the recently handicapped man were in cahoots. But she looks so trustworthy. http://edition.cnn.com/2005/LAW/05/13/wendys.finger.ap/

Wonder if this will make the Cornell alumni mag? Right there next to wedding pics. http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=topNews&storyID=8487893

Generalizations, anyone? Look, if you don't subscribe to the Times online, you should. It's free. It's good. And it's sometimes absurd. Like this Brent guy. He makes a decent point, but sounds like an ass while doing it. Decrying Hip Hop because of 50 Cent and his ilk is tantamount to decrying Rock because of Maroon Five. Dude, it's all pop. Hip Hop, like Rock, is a broad term. Within each, you have people seeking the art, and people seeking the fame. Sometimes a band or artist gets both. But it's rare. That said, there is great rock out there. And there is great hip hop out there, tons of it. None of which talks about fukkin bitches wearing Gucci's, bustin' caps or throwin' diamonds out of Escalades. There is a problem, but it's not Hip Hop. It's your research, Brent. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/12/opinion/12thu4.html?th&emc=th

Virgins everywhere rejoice! But when it's over, will there be anything left to live for? http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/05/13/entertainment/main695116.shtml

What tha? Pitt "didn't understand the idea that marriage had to be forever"? Yeah, now that I think about it, the vows are a bit vague: "To have and to hold, til death do us part or just til you grow restless and meet someone new who just happens to be too hot for TV and you just have to, like, have a go. You know, either one." I do! http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5478,15279753^2902,00.html

Stuart Scott. Boo. No yah. Just plain boo.

Have you thought that you could waste away? You don't care much for yourself. There are circles deep beneath your eyes. Why do you do this to yourself? - Palace Music

Soothsayer. You could call me that. After all, I predicted Anthony's exit. Then again, Lunch Money stood no chance against the remaining three. They bring the heat, he brings the hein. So it was kinda like calling Nader's loss in the last presidential election. Still, I'll take what I can get. http://idolonfox.com/

Touched for the very first time. Home Alone star says he was never touched by Jacko, "as far as he knows." Sounds like someone blocked it out of his memory. Bv "someone" I mean Culkin. And by "it" I mean a handjob by Frankenstein.
http://wireservice.wired.com/wired/story.asp?section=Breaking&storyId=1032819&tw=wn_wire_story

Jealous and correct. Bill Gates states the obvious. Also, made like $2 million in the time it took you to read that line. http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=technologyNews&storyID=8470447

Sorry! I just hated the ending. Never has a book review incited such outrage. http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=750507

Land Whoa! Latest trailer for Moby Dick is real confusing. http://www.dreamies.com/

$50 million worth of crazy. Dave, dude, it's not you who is crazy. It's those crackers paying you sick money for more incarnations of the same joke. http://www.sohh.com/thewire/read.php?contentID=7069

Kards site goes gangsta gangsta on yo ass. And, for once, my content is actually funny.
http://sites.gizoogle.com/?url=http://www.kellerskards.com/news.html

Too bad it's not a Coolio outbreak. That would be sooo much phatter. And it'd go away on its own after a few months. http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory?id=748028

Stuart Scott. Diarrhea britches.

Comments? Fabulous!

I'm not your lover. I'm not your friend. I am something that you'll never comprehend. - Prince

Exclusive release from WYFF of tonight's interview with local ad hero, Mike Weston, regarding the recent Greenville Bobmers ads. Here's the partial transcript:

Michael Codbill: So Mike, tell us how this whole thing started
Mike: Are you talking to me?
Codbill: Yeah, who else would I -
Mike: Yourself. Isn't your name Mike? I mean, maybe you were talking to yourself.
Codbill: That's just idiotic. Back to you, Carol.
Carol Goldstein: Hey, I love baseball. Did you know in Mexico they call it beisbol?
Cessarich: How'd you know that, Carol? Is that where you sold your kidneys or something?
Goldstein: That was uncalled for, John.
Cessarich: Uh oh. I feel a cold front moving my way. Back to you, Michael.
Mike: But I don't work here.
Codbill: He meant me, dumbass. Anyway, tell us how this whole thing got started, Mike.
Mike: Wait -
Codbill: Mr. Weston.
Mike: Oh. Okay, well I was -
Vendor: Peanuts. Get your peanuts.
Mike: Sorry, Codbill, I gotta go.
Cessarich: Hey, Codbill, you just got punked!
(Canned Ooohs)

Is there something other than iTunes? Yahoo to launch a music service with a flat fee like that of Napster. It all reminds me of this song my pappy used to sing to me called "A Day Late and a Dollar Short" http://www.fool.com/News/mft/2005/mft05051101.htm

Immortal? Perhaps. With a plastic lead singer and a pickled lead guitarist, the Stones might be playing well into the 22nd century. Still, I'd catch them before their catalog gets clouded with mediocrity. The more new albums they release, the more new songs they'll try to play at their upcoming concerts. Dude, we didn’t pay 75 bucks to hear something from Bridges to Babylon. http://www.itv.com/news/entertainment_298381.html

They killed Kenny. And hopefully Renee is next. Because I don't know what's more pathetic - someone who sings these songs: "Being Drunk is a lot like Lovin' You", "French Kissin' Life", "There's Something Sexy About the Rain" and "All I Want for Christmas is a Real Good Tan" or someone who buys into them. And who also happens to look like a marshmallow in a corset. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/film/4535707.stm

Goodbye, Anthony. As much as I dislike the trach victim, he actually did a decent job last night. Still, there aren't enough 12 yr. old girls out there to keep him in. One cute white girl. One cute black girl. They're both shoe-ins. And then there's Bo and Lunch Money. Bo is always "keepin' it real, man" or at least always saying that - and that's enough for me to believe him! But whenever he tries to dance, Anthony aka Lunch Money looks like a geriatric dog humping a pillow. Slow, fruitless and sad. Watch tomorrow night for the results. http://idolonfox.com/

Sappy and Sickly. Gave Grey's Anatomy a chance. Still no candle to House. Unfortunately, according to Blue Cross Blue Shield, Dr. House is "out of network". Those bastards! More alarming, though, is the number of medical situational dramas (or whatever they're being called) on the tube right now. The best of which has to be According to Jim.

You're fired. Or you're resigning. Or something. Anyway, that North Carolina pastor stepped down. He hates abortion, apparently. Word to the wise: if you're offspring has the chance of being as retarded as you, I'd reconsider that stance. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/7769149/

Stuart Scott. Doodoo Head.

Commenting? It's not fucking worth it. Blogger insists you register with them to post a comment. So until I figure out how to circumvent that, I'd stick to only reading the blog. And telling your friends about it, of course.

Sex without love is a good ride worth trying. But love without sex is second only to dying. - Arab Strap

A Greenville, SC ad agency, where yours truly just so happens to shirk, gets mentioned in the Times. No, not the Anderson Times, the New York Fuggin City Times. The reason for the "free" press centers on a campaign for the minor league baseball juggernauts, the Greenville Bombers. The ads "poke fun" at MLB, an easy target considering all of baseball's recent publicity. In one ad, the headline reads, "Come see them before they own an Escalade." An obvious jab at the millions those hunky Major Leaguers make. In another, "Come see them before they beat their wives and rape their babysitters while on a 'roid rage."

Mike Weston, associate creative person, had this to say about the ads, "I love them! I love them soooooooo much. Ah, man, I forgot to bring that chair in. Now where was I? Oh, yeah, my ads! I love them. I’d like to sing you a song about their geniusity or whatever . . ." Mike then took a swig from a brown paper bag and muttered something about Jesus.

Morrockanroll! Morroco is blessed by the feedback and stoked-makers that are Rock'n Roll Worship Circus. Can I get an encore? Wowzers. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/10/arts/music/10chri.html?th&emc=th

Ah, not that Georgia. Bush retracts his Georgian praise after he realizes that, in fact, he was not in the Peach State, after all. http://www.voanews.com/english/2005-05-10-voa4.cfm

So how do you get that job? I'm gonna take a wild guess and say it involves a confidentiality agreement, a size 24 waist and a butt plug. Close? http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=743699

Let the games begin. Xbox 360 to come out swinging. Sony resting on its laurels. For now. Regardless, I thank them both for curing loneliness. http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/technology/2005-05-09-xbox-usat_x.htm

Discarded! 12% of all Mother's Day cards are thrown away, according to a very reliable source. Still, you can't get off by "saving mom the trouble by throwing away the card you would have purchased for her." In related news, 32% of Keller's Kards are actually burned shortly after receiving. http://www.kellerskards.com/kards.html

Hold this thread as I walk away. According to Pitchfork, my album is only a few tenths of a point worse than Weezer's new one. P.S. I don't have an album. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/w/weezer/make-believe.shtml

Stuart Scott. About as black as the inside of a Twinkie.

When I was summoned to the phone, I knew in my bones that you had died alone.
- Silver Jews

Get your ass out of here! A pastor/activist bans Democrats from his quaint North Carolina church. After a Republican-only offering this past Sunday, the rational pastor reconsiders his ban. Or something like that. http://www.thecarolinachannel.com/news/4466358/detail.html

Perdador! Sergio Garcia gives ESPN another reason to air clips from Greg Norman’s 96 Masters collapse. http://msnbc.msn.com/id/7792623/

Hooray for crackers everywhere! Steve Nash wins the NBA MVP award. And with it, all those dreams I’ve been deferring are back on. Thanks for the inspiration! In related news: borrrring. http://www.irontontribune.com/articles/2005/05/09/sports/sports236.txt

Make no mistake, this guy’s a coroner, not a crooner. Yeah, I misread that and only now realize it’s nothing to laugh about. http://www.nbc5.com/news/4466309/detail.html?z=dp&dpswid=2265994&dppid=65193

Extra! Extra! The staff at the Times is "super-pissed", according to an anonymous source. http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=domesticNews&storyID=8429435

Runaway Bride has been a fuck-up since day one. The groom still stands beside her. Which means he must know where she’s hiding out. Which also means she must "suck an awful good dick" as they say in Canada.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/05/08/national/main693754.shtml

Stuart Scott. Still gay.

I'll smack a nigga with a brick, talkin' out of place. Like i was sniffin' paint, laced, flyin' up out of space. - Quasimoto

Don’t beat me no more, Daddy. Remember that scene in Good Will Hunting in which Robin Williams tells Matt Damon that it's not his fault? He says, "It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault." Well, turns out it was his fault. You know, for being so ugly. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/03/health/03ugly.html

Number 3 man? Please. This guy has Number 2 written all over his face. http://www.cbc.ca/cp/world/050504/w050444.html

So long, Scotty. The idlest of the remaining American Idols gets the boot. Plus, the hot sex between Paula and a past contestant is fo' real. Paula only had this to say, "He picked the right song. He was working it up there. You go, boy!" http://www.newsnet5.com/entertainment/4452581/detail.html

A paper bag would've worked just as well. At any rate, this explains the decapitation. That girl was fugly! http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/05/05/precious.doe.ap/

Wow! Austin City Limits looks like it's gonna suck ass. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-05/05.shtml

Stuart Scott must be butter, because i'd like to put a knife through him. http://www.blinks.net/artman/uploads/stuart.jpg

I'll have number 18. Not only is it National Prayer Day, it's Cinco De Mayo, as well! Find out why Gringos celebrate this Mexican holiday. Hint: it's not just an excuse to put limes in your beer and get diarrhea. But that was a good guess. http://www.vivacincodemayo.org/history.htm

And also with you. National Day of Prayer! According to the chairman, there's never been a better time to start praying. Scroll down for a picture of a loyal servant ready to be fisted by the Lord's almightiness. http://www.vivacincodemayo.org/history.htm

You're a boomerang. You'll see. You will return to me. - Bright Eyes

Break out your kneepads. National Prayer Day is tomorrow. I'm praying for money. Lots and lots of money. It will fix all my problems. Also, I'll finally be able to rationalize my elitist views. http://www.nationaldayofprayer.org/

I heart America! Very reminiscent of the David Hasselhoff music video that sees him riding some sort of sled and also suggests that he can fly with nothing more than his toned and tanned arms. http://www.americawestandasone.com/video.html

Congratulations, Quiznos! You've made it acceptable to hate babies. For real, Baby Bob was never funny. He/it was always a bad idea created by some Family Circus-reading, striped suspender-wearing, middle-aged "goofy" uncle type. It sucks. Plain and simple.

Stuart Scott must be butter, because some burly man just dipped his corn cob into him. http://espn.go.com/magazine/scott_backtalk.html

The NBA Playoffs are on. Whoops, I meant to end that sentence with a question mark. Who the fuck cares? Basketball ends with March Madness.

Michael Jackson gets off! By looking at naked boys.

So this guy comes up to me the other day and asks, "Why would anyone ever buy your cards? I mean, who do you send these things to?" Well, I shot that man. And that raised the percentage of people who like my cards from 2.6999% to 2.7%. It has been a goal of mine since day one, so we all have something to celebrate.

Other things to celebrate:

The Runaway Bride returned to her sobbing fiance. The only thing more pathetic than her story is the fact that her fiance still hasn't called off the wedding. He's just postponing it. Guess what, John? Once crazy as shit, always crazy as shit. But seriously, guys, let's lay off the poor woman. She traveled across the country on a Greyhound bus. That's punishment enough. http://www.local6.com/news/4442780/detail.html

Stuart Scott is still like the other side of the pillow: covered in semen. And Dan Patrick still gives the worst interviews on ESPN. Jeremy Schaap is a close second. But he's been beaten like a rented mule so many times over that I forgive his shortcomings and any resemblance he may or may not have to the California Raisins.
http://www.houghtonmifflinbooks.com/catalog/authordetail.cfm?authorID=10154

Nicholas Kristof writes yet another piece on the massacres in Darfur. This man is on a mission. Good for him. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/03/opinion/03kristof.html?th&emc=th

Gosh, Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley must feel like suckers. All that work for nothing. Apparently, being fat is healthy. At least, for now. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20050426.wxcowent26a/BNStory/specialComment/

Sarah W, who just so happens to be too beautiful for words, gets sent home crying. "Being beautiful is a curse as much as it is a blessing." Truer words have never been . . . Oh, shut up. http://abc.go.com/primetime/bachelor/

The Derby is around the corner. Noble Causeway, High Fly, Bandini. In that order.
http://sports.espn.go.com/sports/horse/news/story?id=2046961