And I dream of the things I'll do with a subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe. There'll be a load of compromisin' on the road to my horizon. - Glen Campbell buy it for your horsey!

I made my yearly visit to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight. Surprisingly, they make a pretty good salmon. Not surprisingly, the mustache to man ratio was about 1:2 - and the mustache to woman ratio about 1:5. Okay, I know Longhorn and Outback and all those other restaurants that offer the option of having everything on their menu marinated in some sort of whiskey or other badass sauce attract the redbirds almost as much as wings-only establishments, but, Christ, man, there were friggin' black "cowboys" in there. All of them saddled up to 18 oz. steaks, no doubt. All of them eager to watch the Jesus Video as soon as they got back. My wagon felt out of place, to say the least. Seriously, I think half of the vehicles in the parking lot could have cleared my little grocery-getter, even with their beds filled with Mexicans. In summary, the food was decent, the scenery was excellent. two thumbs down

My Favorite Types Of And/Or Terms For Mustaches:

1. 'Stache
2. Womb Broom
3. Prison Pussy
4. Flavor Saver
5. Dirty Sanchez
6. The Plummer
7. Cookie Duster
8. Handlebar
9. The Hitler
10. Fu Manchu
11. Soup/Semen Strainer

My Favorite Menu Items At Longhorn:

1. Salmon
2. Rebel-Fried Steak Sandwich
3. Dixie-Glazed T-Bone Steak (22 oz.)
4. Jack Daniels Salad Sampler
5. Cotton-Eyed Joe Loaded Potato
6. Copenhagen Catfish with Skoal Brulee
7. Marlboro-Smoked Bass
8. Cisco-Doused, Gas-Huffed, Meth-Mouthed Carrot Souffle
9. Bread
10. Remington 12 Gauge a la Buckshot

Dave Chappelle: The Lost Tapes. Comedy Central plans to air some material that Chappelle taped before he went to Africa in search of his marbles. Muslims are not funny.

The Only Thing Unhappy Marriages Need Is Neosporin. And Flux Capacitors. Or just some lawyers.

Jet Makes Totally Rad Landing! Pilot called "Hero For The Ages" by every person writing this blig. You got it.

This May Be Great News If Your Baby Hasn't Died Yet. Note: This won't seem like great news to you if your baby has already died of SIDS or of anything else for that matter. It'll probably seem more like salt in your wounds. Or a knife in your back. Or something un-great-news-like like that. Maybe you should practice with a dog first.

A Very Alive Frank Zappa Waves To His Admiring Fans. Ah, maybe it's Dweezil

Pregnant Women Beware: If You're Currently Taking Paxil, You May Have Already Done Irreparable Damage To Your Unborn Child. Look, I know this news can be devastating and might even lead you into a deep, dark hole of despair, but you've got to be strong. You can get through this. And if you need some help, there are plenty of drugs out there that help people just like you cope with this sort of depression. The side-effects are generally mild. And occassionally include retarded babies.

Furcal Goes To The Dodgers. Hopefully, via plane. DUI to LAX nonstop.

Word Of The Day:
Turucken - 1. (noun) A chicken stuffed inside a turkey stuffed inside Chad Rucker's arsehole.
2. (noun) The centerpiece of Dan Cvammen's traditional holiday feast.