I dreamed I was kidnapped by a guy with a mustache and a chick with an eyepatch who thought they could trade me back for some quick cash, but when they relayed the bargain my family said "We'll pay half that!" - Les Savy Fav buy it for patty hearst!

You Know What's Awesome? Creating this entire post and losing it all, including the links, because you didn't save changes before you spell-checked it. So pardon the sloppiness of this post. And I apologize in advance to the girl I'm gonna beat tonight.

It's a Fake! The Cocks pull the ole Madden play out of their arses, yet they still lose a close game to the Bulldogs. Again. Georgia looked very beatable, thanks to the McCraken Junior High-like performance of DJ Shockley. http://uscsports.collegesports.com/

Blueprint For Failure. Did anyone else watch the end of the GA Tech/UNC game? What the fuck was up with that play calling? Tech was winning the game by a couple TDs and still came out passing for three consecutive series. Here's a crazy concept for you coaches out there: Run the clock out by running the ball. You see, you want to be ahead when there's no time left on the clock. http://www.sportsnetwork.com/default.asp?c=sportsnetwork&page=/cfoot/news/AFN3979165.htm

Notre Dame Starting To Justify Their NBC Contract Again. Michigan looked like a Johnny On The Spot after lunch hour, but congrats still go out to Charlie Weiss, a man whose arteries might just be the best blocked thing on the field each Saturday. http://www.tsn.ca/ncaa/news_story.asp?id=135882

Tigers Playing Like Winners. Key Word: Playing. Everyone knows they're losers, including themselves. And including their next opponent: Miami. http://www.thetigernet.com/

Hobo Bush Banking On Cocaine-Crazed Jamal. The first game of my Fantasy season sees two of my RBs sitting out due to injuries, and a third, Jamal "Just a Bump" Lewis, likely to get no more than 15 touches. http://www.usdoj.gov/usao/gan/press/10-07-04.html

And Then: Hobo Bush's Abysmal Day. No TDs between my RBs, WRs and TE, who just so happens to be Tony F'n Gonzales. Oh, and my QB, Jake Plummer, did have a walk in the park, as was predicted, only it was interrupted by a mugging, which was interrupted by an ass-raping. At least I didn't draft Javon Walker. Here's to the waivers . . . http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9314175/

The Only Thing Bigger Than Mitch Albom's Ego? His Ears. If you don't get up by 10am EST to watch The SportsReporters, you should. You'd not only see a man who has no doubt been called Dumbo more times than W The President, but you'd also see the 2nd best show on ESPN. http://www.albom.com/

Image Is Everything. But Winning. 35-yr old Agassi faced Federer in the US Open finals yesterday and, as many predicted, was left standing with a gay-ass plaque after the match. Roger is 71-3 this season. For real, I'd even consider sucking his dick. http://www.abc.net.au/sport/content/200509/s1458232.htm

Cheney Told To Fuck Himself. At which point Dick The VP revealed that W The President has already beaten him to the punch. http://www.capitolhillblue.com/artman/publish/article_7357.shtml

Me Jealous? Never! Les Moonves says this new CBS show might be the next Friends. It could definitely be the resurrection of Neil Patrick Harris. Say it ain't Sosa! http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/11/arts/television/11stei.html?th&emc=th

Have You Bought One Of My Cards Lately? Click on one of the buttons to the left and help a brotha eat something other than Ramen.

Has Anyone Seen Rucker's Genitalia Lately? Yeah, neither has he, but according to some first-floorers, if you've ever seen pigs' feet for sale in a Lil Cricket, you've pretty much seen his genitalia. Whatever that means.