I'm gonna take you on a trip so far from here. I've got two tickets in my pocket, now baby, we're gonna disappear. We've waited so long, waited so long. - Eddie Money yet another album I don't recommend!

Farewell Cousin, Here We're Frozen. So the guy made it all up. Not the crash, that was unfortunately very real, but the text he said he received from a cousin that wasn't even on the plane. Oh, right, we just got Punk'd. Hilarious! Anyway, they say at least 6 people were still alive when the plane went down. The details are horrific. Undoubtedly, this will be on my mind when I fly next. Why I think I'm unlucky enough to die in a plane crash, yet still buy lottery tickets is beyond me. Then again, maybe it's my belief that anything could happen. Well, except that Greek dude who made up the text story not being a complete shit. That could never happen. http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/08/15/greece.crash.1437/

Is NASA Now Flying Commercial? Another plane goes down, crashing in Venezuela, killing 160. Both engines on the MD-82 are believed to have failed. The plane was heading from Panama to Martinique. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4156224.stm

Back To School Remake Starring Tommy Lee Airs Tonight. Apparently, much of the reality has been staged. Who woulda thunk it? http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/reviews/2005-08-15-tommy-lee-review_x.htm

SPF 12 Steps. Studies suggest that tanning is addictive. Seems I've got yet another vice. What next? Alcohol's addictive? Jesus, let me work, let me live! http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,165810,00.html

Why I Have Friends: "Their findings revealed that while both absolute and relative income are important, relative is more prevalent in determining one's happiness. One alternative strategy would be to "hang out" with poorer people, according to the study." http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2005-08/15/content_3355634.htm

My Sister's Dick of a Landlord in Williamsburg. He is not a known pedophile, but it's only a matter of time. So what did the guy do? He raised her rent and then had the audacity to charge her for work he did to the yard two weeks ago while she was on summer break. Oh, and her AC was broken at the time. Let's just hope he doesn't bill her for the repairs.

Landlord Douchebag: "Ah, I just painted my apartment, you know, the one you're renting from me, and I spent an assload of time and money on it, so I'm gonna need you to go ahead and reimburse me for the paint and labor."

Walker Texas Ranger to Landlord Douchebag: "Ah, I'm gonna go ahead and need you to stand back about 20 feet because I don't want any of your blood to splatter on my Nocona boots."

Seriously, people like her landlord need to be stopped. Taking advantage of people is not cool. At all. It sucks to be a female, because they get taken advantage more than most, especially in those sorts of circumstances. But it also sucks to be poor, a minority, elderly, handicapped, you name it, pretty much anything other than a big, fat white guy with a humidor within arm's reach. God Bless The USA!

Katrina, My Sister's Ex-Roommate, Also Sucks Donkey Dick. Never met her, but she is now on my shit list, which follows:

1. Stuart Scott - You must be shit, because you're on my list.
2. George W Bush The President - I already had him. Yeah, that's right, I said I had him.
3. Chad Rucker - Did you not hear what I said about his stool? It's on his hands!
4. Katrina The Roommate - She'll never amount to more than the $400 she stole from my sister.
5. Star Jones - If gluttony is a deadly sin, why is she still alive?
6. Landlord Douchebag - It's a good thing he didn't add on to the apartment.
7. Reva - She's on here for just being an idiot. More on this later.
8. Testman (That Verizon Wireless Polesmoker) - He and Jared need to fuck already.
9. Baby Bob - Have we missed the abortion window? Is the 14th trimester considered late term?
10. Verizon Wireless - You don't write ads for them for nearly 3 years without being ass-raped a few dozen times. Heck, I may have been mouth-raped a couple of times. I've tried to block it all out.
11. Blue Cross/Blue Shield - Why Blue? Because that's what color your face will be after filing only one measly claim.
12. Max - A Standard Poodle that used to chase me when I was like 10. He's most likely dead now, but I'll leave him on the list for a few more years for good measure.
13. J Lo - Your music sucks. Your taste sucks. Your fragrance sucks. Mark Antony sucks. Literally, he sucks dick. And your ass? It sucks, too. Despite what VH1 would have us believe, your life is in no way, shape or form "fabulous". You don't hold a candle to the real Jennifer Lopez. Yeah, that's right, the one on The Weather Channel.
14. Kinkos - No business is filled with more incompetence than this place. Stop fucking around with your CEOs and lawyers and start concentrating on your employees.
15. Jimmy Kimmel - Sarah Silverman

Late Breaking News:

16. Jim Demint - He doesn't believe homosexuals should be allowed to teach school. And if he believed they shouldn't be allowed to be politicians, he'd be unemployed.
17. Drew Rosenhaus - The Terrible Owens stuff was one thing, but Billy Volek? Shut up already!!
18. Dan Patrick - Worst interviews ever. Plus, the cameras seem to add 15 lbs. of smug to his face.
19. Hitler - What an asshole!

And by the way, I'm heading to the coast to sell windows. If you're interested in some great windows . . . www.henselstone.com . . . I really can't say enough about those blessed windows!