Mister Blue Sky, please tell us why you had to hide away for so long. Where did we go wrong? - ELO buy it for your VW!

I've got some bad news if your name is Reva: I'm not dead. That's right, I'm still livin' large, pimpin', rollin', chillin', whatever in the greater Spartanburg area. However, Reva, you had good reason to think that I had "up and died". After all, my posts have been sporadic at best and pathetic at worst. So I apologize. Not for being alive, but for the posts. And I'd say it won't happen again, but we'd all know that would be what my therapist calls a "lie". Though, in contrast, that lie would have little to do with my father's touching of my buttocks. But I digress. So let's just leave it at this: I'll try my darn-tootenest from here on out.

Bush The President Will Only Pull Out When His Seed Of Democracy Is Planted. Still, a few mothers of dead soldiers are a little tired of the ass-raping. http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2005-08-11-bush-firm-iraq_x.htm?POE=NEWISVA

School Killer Released From Detention Hall. The Arkansas boy killed like 8 people about 7 years ago, and to the dismay of Jonesboro PTA members, is now being released. As an added bonus, he just tunred 21. Hooray Malt Liqour and Loosened Screws! http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/08/12/jonesboro.shooter/

Do We Really Need Reviews Of Deuce Bigalow -European Gigolo? I mean, couldn't the review simply be "Deuce Bigalow - European Gigolo"? Does that not tell us all we need to know about the movie? Could it possibly scream "Don't Fucking See This Movie No Matter How Low Your IQ" any louder? Apparently not. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/story/336445p-287362c.html

A Little TO For TO. I bet I'm the only one to write that! Terrell Owens and Drew Rosenhaus want more money. But the Eagles don't look like they're gonna budge with a contract that was signed just last year. So TO has apparently been insubordinate at training camp and was actually sent home yesterday. Andy Reid said the situation was between him and TO. TO and Drew, however, went on a couple shows (including PTI) pleading their case. In other words, don't take Owens before the 5th round. Oh, and while we're on PTI (kinda), how many times did Hugh Douglas say "tough" in his 5 Good Minutes Segment? I lost count at 7 gazillion. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/12/sports/football/12eagles.html

A List Of People I May Know Personally Who Do Not Wash Their Hands After Going Number Two or A List Of People You Do Not Want As Your Phrenologist, Your Masseuse, Your Chef, Your Dentist Or Your Teammate After A Really Exciting Play That Demands A High Five, Like An Unassisted Double Play To End An Inning:

1. Chad Rucker - An ex-coworker who defecates 5 times a day and wipes about 3.
2. Stuart Scott - Unsanitary and black! Can it get any worse?
3. Star Jones - Yes.
4. George W Bush (The President) - The dude needs stickers to remind him of his occupation, he's definitely not remembering to wash his hands.
5. Me - Oh, and by the way, it was great meeting you the other day!
6. Drew Rosenhaus - If his Crackberry can't do it, he can't do it.
7. Jim DeMint - Just Changes Colostomy Bags.