And father had had such hopes for a son who would take the ropes and fulfill all his old athletic aspirations, but apparently now there's some complications. - Decemberists buy it, scooner scholar!

Pure Stick Figure Brilliance. Don Hertzfeldt makes us all happy. If you like my cards, you'll love these short films. They are both a bit old, but I imagine some of you haven't seen them. I suggest starting with a little love story. Then watch another story related to rejection.

And a little info to help you out: http://www.bitterfilms.com/rejected.html

How Many 12 yr Olds Could You Beat Up? I'm saying as many as you throw at me. This guy has a decent strategy (he claims less than a dozen), but he didn't consider this brilliance: First, take out the biggest 12 year old with a swift kick to the groin, followed by a strong knee to the face. And this is where it gets tricky . . . while the other boys are still in shock by the violence, blood and general effortless ass-kicking on your part, you'll need to roll over the knocked-out fatty and proceed to rape the ever-living daylights out of him. I know it sounds more like fun than a solid strategy, but this tactic will ensure that no other 12 year old will charge you - ever. Drenched in tears, they will submit, by the droves, out of fear and disgust. Game over.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/4/8schweiger.html

Let's Talk About Abortion, Baby! Let's talk about Roberts, John G. Let's talk about all the ways the Republicans plan to stifle me. According to many, the debates concerning Bush's nominee to the Supreme Court will center on abortion. And I can't wait, because I love abortion more than life itself! http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/20/politics/politicsspecial1/20nominee.html?th&emc=th

Bums in Arizona Melting Like Butter Between Two Pancakes. "It's survival of the fittest", muttered a rather sweaty Phoenix hobo. Adding, "And the fittest seem to have air conditioning. . . . Can I have a sip of your water?" "No! Your indigent lips are all chapped!", I offered as I walked away. Meanwhile, one affluent Arizonian offered this piece of advice for non-bums: "Look out for melted bums, because it takes a strong twig or even a coat hanger to get them off the bottom of your shoes. Go Wildcats!" http://www.cnn.com/2005/WEATHER/07/20/heat.wave.ap/index.html

Cracker Alligator. Even in the world of reptiles, being white is something real special. http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/science/07/19/rare.gator.ap/index.html

Free College for Female Virgins! In realted news, applications from males to those Ugandan schools will increase by an estimated 1,000,000%. Never has an African degree seemed so appealing. And never has a school taken the shame out of 'walks of shame' so effectively. http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/africa/07/20/uganda.virgins.reut/index.html

CNN Names Top 10 Towns. Union (SC) in Uproar! Seriously, how in the hell did Jersey get two cities in the Top 10 while the entire south had only one in the Top 25? And Peachtree City, practically a suburb of Atlanta, at that?! By the way, Vienna doesn't count because it's basically DC. Union, with its incest and parking lots, may not have a legitimate beef, but this list is about as credible as that lambchop's 'hot or not' list was yesterday. At any rate, see where your favorite city in New Jersey came in. No Livingston?! http://money.cnn.com/best/bplive/?cnn=yes

Aristocrats Not Likely Coming To a Theater Near Me. I hear great things. Great things. Oh, and I see one great thing. http://www.thinkfilmcompany.com/films/thearistocrats/

More of that great thing: http://www.sxsw.com/video/movie_window.big.php?dir=2005_trailers&id=469&speed=hi

Hasta La Vista Senores Who Built My House. A couple of Republicans introduced a bill that would kick about 10 million illegal immigrants out of the US of A. Apparently, the two Republicans like cutting their own grass, babysitting their own kids, doing their own nails, picking their own produce, paving their own streets and banging their own wives. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/07/19/AR2005071901127.html

Late Breaking News That I Somehow Missed: Terrell Jesus Owens. T to tha O uses Christ Your Savior to put his contract negotiations into perspective. "They threw stones at Him. They hated on Him. They didn't honor His receptions." (link coming soon)