She'll only come out at nights, the lean and hungry type. Nothing is new, I've seen her here before. Watching and waiting, ooh, she's sittin' with you, but her eyes are on the door. - Hall and Oates buy it, you dancing fool!

I threw up on Friday. I turned 30 on Sunday. And my job comes to an end in 4 days. Despite what Jack Van Impe would have us believe, I doubt this is the end of the world, but things sure are getting dicey around here, which helps to explain why my blig has suffered lately. So as I mourn the loss of my innocence, I apologize to both of you.

Goodbye 20s.
Goodbye Sewanee.
Goodbye "I'm not too old for you. Now, let's get you out of those Underoos."
Goodbye Mississippi River.
Goodbye neighbor buried in my backyard.
Goodbye Tattletales.
Goodbye Greenville.
Goodbye "Nah, you don't need to check me for colon cancer."
Goodnight Moon.

We Want You! And Your Blue Blockers! Much to the delight of Piccadilly patrons, the army has raised its minimum age (okay, by just a few years).
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/22/politics/22recruit.html?th&emc=th

Quitting the Band. John Byce, SHS Alum and hairy friend of mine, says 'thee ya' to the Fruit Bats. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/22.shtml#fruit

Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Your Office's Weak As Shit Coffee. Stub your toe? That's the work of Al Qaeda. Get caught speeding? Al Qaeda! Step in dog poo? Pleased to meet you . . . first name Al, last name Qaeda. And Hurricane Emily? Oh, you just know Al Queda was behind that. Dude, their job is easier than mine. They just sit back and take credit for pretty much anything that goes wrong in your life, especially tragedies. I don't know if they're really behind the London bombings, but, of course, they say they are. And Egypt's bombings, too . . . http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2005-07/22/content_3254782.htm

Update: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/25/international/europe/25qaeda.html?th&emc=th

54-40 or Fight. A little shout-out to JKP and WSC Jr.
http://www.presidentsusa.net/1844slogan.html

Be Prepared. To Be Electrocuted. http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/07/25/jamboree.deaths.ap/index.html

Like All Beautiful Girls, This One Needs To Zip It. Natalie Portman was, for a while, worried that her short hair was sending out the wrong message, "like I'm a neo-nazi or a cancer victim or a lesbian!" Yeah, no real difference in those messages. http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/52302004.htm

Where's Mom? Oh, She's Out In The Van With The Cable Guy. Teri Hatcher hits it and quits it in a van down by the river. So considerate - and classy!
http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/52272004.htm

Jennifer Aniston's Ex Selling Love Letters! No, not that ex, an ex from high school. Wait, the story just got a whole lot better . . .

From CNN: Michael Baroni, a California lawyer who claims he had a summer romance in 1984 with Aniston, is selling keepsakes such as a makeshift birthday card she wrote on a piece of toilet paper and a childhood picture of the pair.

From Me: And so then I checked it out on Ebay and apparently the letters are all written by this idiot guy, not Aniston (oh, and the red pen is a relevant detail). Plus, the picture is a Photoshop job.

From Ebay: I am selling EVERY love letter I wrote to Jennifer Aniston, including a makeshift birthday card I wrote on a piece of toilet paper. The package includes: a piece of paper with Aniston's name and phone number written in lipstick, a love letter from me to Jennifer handwritten in red pen, a note written on toilet paper with birthday wishes from me to Jenn for her 17th birthday, a page from my little black book containing Aniston's contact information, a photo of Jennifer with me superimposed with my arm around Jenn, and a notarized statement attesting to the authenticity of all the included items.

From Me: If anyone out there is willing to pay $25,000 for that, you might also be interested to learn that I have kept every letter I wrote to Jesus during our 7-year relationship (before he became so famous), including a handmade birthday card in blue marker and a picture of the two of us floating around in Heaven, hand in hand. Also, I have a lot of keepsakes from my relationships with Mitch Baywatch and Patrick Swayze. Starting bid: Your kidneys.

The Links:

CNN: http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/07/25/people.aniston.ap/index.html

Ebay: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4751529054&category=201&ssPageName=WDVW&rd=1

Burying Your Mom In All Her Glory. Awww, how cute: a daughter's relationship with her atypical mother. The cool mom's death, the summers they'll never share again and Shirley Jackson . . . Okay, it is actually a sweet piece.
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/26/opinion/26ahoffman.html?th&emc=th

Liar, Liar! Damn, I thought Kristof had some juicy gossip about Tom and Brad. Turns out, the whole story concerns today's shameful media and the genocide in Darfur. I didn't see that one coming at all. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/26/opinion/26kristof.html?th&emc=th

You're Now Rockin' With The Best: DJ Sony. An excerpt (so that you won't have to click the link): E-mails and documents from Sony show it paid up to $1,000 to get a new song played on a single radio station, gave contest prizes to deejays instead of listeners, and even hired crews of callers to bombard stations' request lines. But I really liked J Lo's last album. http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/331532p-283284c.html

Nightmare in Gaffney. The Redbird Festival aka Firelake Festival is shaping up about as nicely as the war in Iraq. The SC festival was to rival Bonnaroo, but now calls Keller Williams and Karl Denson its headliners. And after Devo and Jurassic 5, the only anti-noodling acts on the list, the bands fall off completely. Instead of trying to be Bonnaroo, why don't these yokels just have a Bluegrass/Country/Americana festival? It makes so much more sense than this depressing dugout lineup. For me, the Firelake Festival is a study in suicidal stimuli. But it's no surprise, though, because South Carolina has been, and will always be, paved with good intentions. http://www.firelakefestival.com/

Country Singer Living Life Like Country Song. Mindy McCready, the train-wrecked singer behind such greats as "Guys Do It All The Time" and "Guys Do It All The Time", was found unconscious in a Florida hotel room. Next week, she plans to skin a cat, make some moonshine and shoot up the place. http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/07/26/people.mccready.ap/index.html

Something Happened in Montana! http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/07/26/montana.quake/index.html

The Cadillac of Bikes is Actually a Cadillac. So if my chauffeur is pedaling, that means I have to ride on the handlebars. Oh, I get it, they're targeting African Americans. http://www.cnn.com/2005/AUTOS/07/26/cadillac_bikes/index.html

Crispin Porter Equals Mecca. And people will do anything to get there. Or, in my case, something. This falls under anything: http://www.theneep.com/likecrispinporter/index.html

Stuart Scott Died in My Arms Last Night.