He only sings when he's sad. And he's sad all the time, so he sings the whole night through. Yeah, he sings in the daytime, too. - M. Ward

This Just In! What? Women have orgasms? I'm hearing a big "who cares?" from the boys in the class. Just kidding. Was it good for you? Okay, now go clean up. The Times examines the female orgasm. It's like a man's titties, one female scientist claims. In those words exactly. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/17/science/17orga.html?pagewanted=1&incamp=article_popular

I Do! Sorta. Maybe. We'll See. In LA! The Bachelor wrapped up last night. And I don't know about you guys, but I went through a box of Kleenex and a wonderful Chardonnay from the Smoky Mountains before I even got a glimpse of that promise ring. Boo Hoo! Charlie Tuna did the gentlemanly thing and broke it to Krisily back stage. All those BJs for nothing! Charlie unloaded the standards. "You're an amazing gal" "Some guy's gonna be real lucky" "You're awesome and beautiful and I love you. Wait, scratch that last part" . . .
Nana, the 80 year old grandmother who's about as classy as J Lo's lingerie line, managed to steal a bit more of the spotlight last night by again shaking her tailfeather as if to readjust her Depends.

Krisily had little chance. She was what I call loveably dumpable. For some reason, maybe it's her 80's looks, maybe it's her seemingly proletarian upbringing or maybe it's her family of twice-divorced redbirds, but dumping her type comes with a little less fear and guilt. The fact that her entire family sounded like they had speech impediments certainly didn't help her cause.

And then there was one. The much-maligned Sarah B. hand-holds her way into Charlie's heart. It came as no surprise to find she owned a King Charles Spaniel. As devoted, cute, cuddly and devoid of personality as its owner. Oh, I kid. I guarantee you that dog parties harder than Sarah B. Taking it any way it can get it. Sarah, on the other hand, still follows her smooches with giggles. Fuck that. At any rate, they'll be in LA together, bound by the promise ring and the pressure of ABC. Best luck guys. America's future is depending on it. http://www.newsday.com/entertainment/sns-celebrity-0517bachelor.story

Freebird! In other reality news, American Idol looks to wrap up its season, as well. Bo has the obvious edge going into this thing. He's the only male and he's "real". Carrie will duke it out with Vonzell and find that it's no easy task. My prediction: Bo faces Carrie for an all-cracker showdown in the finals. Paula still sore from Corey's ass-raping.

What are you doing, Trey? The OC goes redbird, too. With Trey and Jess in the fray, it's anything goes. Lying, cheating, drugging and dying. Caleb, the wealthiest man in The OC, has a heart attack minutes after his trashy, soon-to-be-divorced wife, Julie, decides not to poison him after all. The money wars that this will incite should be interesting in deed. Not to mention, Caleb's daughter, Kirsten (Sandy's wife), who has had a drinking problem, to say the least, will be seeking even more comfort from Grey Goose. She needs to clean up soon, because she's running the risk of losing our support. However, Sandy is still the man I want to be. Dad, if you're reading this, why can't you be more like Sandy? Damn you! Anyway, Kirsten and her oblique mouth need to straighten up stat.

Meanwhile, Trey, the rape artist, tells his bro, Ryan, that Marissa was the one trying to rape him. Likely story, coke man-whore. And Jess, slutbag extraordinaire, is still trying to get her hands around Ryan's manhood. Fat chance. You know, that's the name of Ryan's manhood: Fat Chance (read it in Star). Anyway, he'll turn to her in a moment of weakness and she'll probably film it or Marissa will walk in on them on her way to tell Ryan how much she loves him. It always happens that way. But we still watch. Because they're hot. And our lives suck at the moment.

Girlfriend? I don't need no stinking girlfriend. PS3 is coming out next spring. And if I learned anything from PS2, it's that God lives inside. http://www.thestreet.com/_googlen/tech/hardware/10223749.html?cm_ven=GOOGLEN&cm_cat=FREE&cm_ite=NA

All I want is a wife to beat. Speaking of being single, this is a look at the life of an unmarried man living in South Carolina. Depressing? Oh, shut up and hand me my Zoloft. http://www.upstatelink.com/issues/2005/05/16/2005051664517.htm

Crimson and Black. Soon, malingering at Harvard will be preceded by "Let's skip that negro's class". http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/17/education/17harvard.html?th&emc=th

Ratatat Tat. Okay, so check back tomorrow for the first ever Tat Guide. We'll explore personalities, tat trends and tat no-no's (a bit redundant). And we'll make fun of you, especially if Jesus' face is on your back.