Miles away or just up ahead, it doesn't matter what any of us is looking for. We'll never find it, because it's not even there. - Hayden

He's a Lap Dancer. Terrell Owens is a tease. And so moody, this guy! The only thing he ever seems satisfied with is himself. So he's now asking for more money before he dances in the Eagle's end zone again (Mind you, TO's house has already been featured on Cribs). This has Cheetah 3 written all over it. You've got to blow a wad of cash before you blow a wad of anything else. Sadly, the only guarantee is the former. http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=kreidler_mark&id=2058779

You So Funny! Dave Chappell delivers his best one-liner yet. Something about spiritually awakening his inner Muslim and not doing drugs and I can't remember the rest because it all sounded like bullshit. At any rate, it looks like he won't be back for quite some time. Til then, Comedy Central is airing outtakes, etc. from his DVD. That's a $50 Million show if I've ever heard one. http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,16556,00.html?tnews

Swing and a miss. Jason Giambi couldn't get a hit if he lived with Ike Turner. He's batting .200 last I checked, which is what they call the Mendoza Line. And unless you're a pitcher, you don't want to be near it. FYI: Giambi isn't a pitcher. And as likable as he may be, it turns out he ain't much of batter, either. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/05/16/SPGMMCPQAL1.DTL

Star Jones is Al Roker. For real, they both have heads that seem to be constricted by a rubber band somewhere around the base of the neck. Oh, and they're black, and you know how all black people look alike. Or is that Asians? Who cares? They're not white and that's the most important lesson we can learn today, kids! In other news, Star Jones questions her own fame, but quickly decides her chili-fries craving is a more important nut to crack. http://www.starjones.com/

Newsweek kills 78. After a Newsweek report about American troops desecrating the Koran, outrage set in and violence ensued in Afghanistan and other countries at the bottom of your vacation list (as I reported last week). And now the death toll is up to 15. 17 if you count women. In light of this, Newsweek offers an apology and does the only thing it can do: says the story was made up. That the source was wrong. The one source. Not two, which is apparently standard, and as this case points out, warranted. Typically, when a publication makes a mistake, you can find the correction in small print near the front of the pub. In Newsweek's case, you can check the Obits, as well. http://www.elitestv.com/pub/2005/May/EEN42881d166a242.html

Campbell's Gone Crazy. Realizing their Tomato Soup is slowly going the way of porridge and scrapple, Campbell's suggests you turn their soup into something else (kinda like Swayze's proposal for Sheen's tears). They've told me to turn it into a taco by throwing salsa, sour cream, cheese and tortilla chips into it (gross). And also a pepperoni pizza by throwing pepperonis, cheese, bread and maybe even a pizza slicer into it (no thanks). That's when you know your product sucks ass. Hey, you'll love my cards if you add a blow job and an ice cream cone to them! The only redeeming thing about their newest ad campaign is the catchy jingle at the end. Look out for it. It will stick with you.

Tasteful Tat. An Oxymoron? Later this week we'll be doing a Tattoo Watcher's Guide. Like a Bird Watcher's Guide, but less elderly and boring. Check back for that. A hoot, for sure!

Stuart Scott. Like the other side of the pillow: Even with a few cinder blocks back there, still able to fit in the back of my trunk.